A Heroine Who Can Never Be Abandoned

1 – Haerin Kang (1)

Haerin Kang (1)

This was before I entered elementary school.

My mother forced me to copy and write the Bible every day, saying that the kingdom of Jesus is a hell of disbelief, and my father carved green rings all over my body with a knife.

Watching me groan all night in pain in the seat I was hit by, my mother read to me the ‘Book of Job’, a symbol of perseverance.

‘The current hardship is a test from God.’

‘Can I pass?’

A God who speaks of benevolence with his mouth and constantly rains down hardships as if to test ‘Job’.

I could pretend to trust him, but I couldn’t love him.

So I wrote a novel.

Fiction took the place of God.

right.

It was an escape.

However, even if a person with a flower garden in his head looked at me with a look of contempt or pity on me, I had no intention of changing my mind.

you don’t understand

‘Do you know the reality that is more terrible than fiction?’

Isolate me from the world.

That was salvation.

First of all, I had to survive.

Even if it’s a heart that has been broken into powder and fragments.

#

In order to somehow escape from the corner of the house, I studied desperately and entered a decent university in Seoul.

After attending one semester, I received a new sword.

My friends who received the first grade in active duty would be pissed if they heard it, but I actually wanted to go to the front line of the military too.

If it wasn’t for the mental illness, I would have gone.

I had a little bit of paranoia, social phobia, avoidant personality disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and panic disorder.

… f*ck.

I had to keep seeing my father’s hateful face while commuting for public service, and my salary was taken away.

My mother ran away from home when I was in middle school and didn’t know if I was alive or not, but even if she had, it wouldn’t have helped at all.

I have one older sister who, unlike me, is an impatient person, so she ran away from home with her friends in high school.

Originally, I contacted her often, but my father kept showing interest in whether ‘that damn b*tch’ was making money, so I cut off contact on purpose.

My father was quick-witted on this side, and if he knew that I was in touch with my sister, he would follow me and find out where I live, and he would go out of his way to get money.

Oh, by the way, your older sister is my half-sister.

mother is different

I don’t know what kind of person my sister’s mother was, but considering her pretty appearance, unlike me, I think she must have been quite beautiful.

There was a big change in public life.

For some reason, he started uploading the delusions he had been writing on one by one on the novel site.

Most were commercially unsuitable.

Even the selected articles were a mess.

[Is the author a psychopath?]

[Confused, confused]

A questionable comment response as much as a meager number of views.

Considering that the novels on the platform are full-length serials, writing them in an omnibus format was a failure.

Of course, it wasn’t for the purpose of making money back then.

I just wanted to show my world to the world.

I thought this was also my healing process.

‘Yeah, I’m a psychopath.’

I tried to go over to self-help with malicious comments, but when I faced it, I couldn’t laugh it off.

Thinking that this shouldn’t be the case, for the first time I started writing with the will to come.

I wanted to hear a compliment.

I wanted to hear what I had never heard from my parents, even from readers, and be comforted.

So, after several trials and errors, I wrote a new novel centering on the heroine who appeared repeatedly.

Haerin Kang.

In short, it is a heroine that combines my destructive impulses with an ideally strong and beautiful female figure.

She is an all-around woman who is smart, tenacious, beautiful, and overflowing with wealth.

‘A strong and beautiful woman.’

You could even call it a distorted s*xual desire.

She was behind all the events in the novel.

While writing a novel, I left all the incidents that I thought were lacking in probability to her.

As a result, I became a monster.

Not the face, but the ability.

For Sherlock Holmes, she was Professor Moriarty.

The power balance was messed up more than that.

There were no heroes in my novels.

There was no salvation in the world of the mentally ill, and I actually wrote in a hopeless mood.

The world was just broken and broken.

The omnibus method was abandoned, but in a sense, the newly compiled 『Kang Hae-rin’s Murder Diary』 was still omnibus.

The main character changed every time, but they were all punished by Kang Hae-rin’s trick that was close to disaster.

Of course, I also have a minimum conscience.

For the sake of a ‘good man’ that I haven’t met yet, but there is somewhere, I set Kang Hae-rin’s victim as a guilty person whenever possible.

It’s too devastating for a person like me, who lives a gutter life to meet a psychopathic killer just because he didn’t do anything wrong and just met the wrong parents.

I lived with Kang Hae-rin while doing public service.

As I published almost every day, more than 1,000 novels were revealed in their own way.

The novel was a huge hit.

More and more people claiming to be ‘Hearinian’, if not ‘Sherlockian’, and there are even people who cosplay her.

Since the number of episodes was one, the profit was also higher than expected.

This too was said too bluntly.

Every day was like a miracle.

When I first received the settlement details, I was shocked by the numbers that are difficult to see even in math problems.

And I saw hope.

‘I can be independent!’

Unlike my mother and older sister, the reason I couldn’t dream of running away was because of my lack of action and mental illness.

I didn’t have money to live on right away, and I couldn’t speak properly with strangers, so it was hard to work.

Now that I’m legally an adult, I can do all those things as long as I have the money.

While living in the public interest like that, I gradually developed hope, and shared the contents with my older sister.

Of course, I only called her from a payphone.

I thought about living with my sister for a very short time, but I thought that it would be uncomfortable in many ways if my older brother invaded and lived with my older brother.

She didn’t believe me at first.

“You make money from novels?”

“It’s true, sister! I earned 3 million won this month alone!”

“……”

Anxiety was palpable in her silence.

“… Dongmin-ah, how long has it been since you stopped taking medicine?”

“……”

I forgot what to say this time.

Of course I understand.

My sister has been paying a lot of attention to me and of course knows what kind of disease she has.

“The teacher said you don’t have to take medicine anymore. I am not crazy.”

I don’t know if the constant writing and uploading of novels gave me a sense of psychological stability, but the teacher in charge said that my paranoia was almost completely cured.

“I mean…!”

My sister said in bewilderment.

“It’s not that you’re crazy. Dongminah. must be wrong sister believes in you I’m just worried…”

It was only after I explained the details of the settlement and the world of web novels to my older sister, who was still in doubt, that she was convinced.

“… I must have thought of Dongmin too much as a baby. From what you’re saying, you’re a complete Dr. My sister had no idea that such an industry even existed. Sorry.”

she cheered me on

“My older sister will help me find a house in real estate. And if it’s hard, just go to your sister’s house. Dongminah.”

“thank you.”

“Never withdraw the money you collect. You can’t let that human see it, okay?”

She made a promise to God.

“of course.”

Two years like that, while I was publishing novels serially, the time for demobilization came and I had a lump sum of money in my hands.

It was an amount that could afford a rental house near the school.

#

After being discharged, I decided to skip a semester and return to school to have a period of social adjustment.

I took a leave of absence after attending one semester before serving in the public service, but that period was really hell.

When I went to a place with a lot of people, my heart raced, sweat dripped down my back, and my mouth smelled sweet because I didn’t speak.

It was also stressful for me to beep when I called for attendance.

At that time, the damage was also severe.

I thought the excessive attention was also because I couldn’t see my ugly and disgusting face properly.

I couldn’t be thrown into such a situation without preparation.

Meanwhile, the novel continued to write.

The place of residence was solved, but I didn’t want to imagine having to open my hands to my father even for a small amount.

She suffered from insomnia at one time due to the pressure of writing because she wasn’t sure if the novel would continue to be a box office hit, but ‘Kang Hae-rin’ took care of herself and lived and breathed in the novel.

I became more and more mentally stable.

Sometimes the delusions of the police coming in suddenly or my father waiting in the alley with a knife bothered me, but that gradually disappeared like bubbles.

The memories that made my teenage years a muddy mess of unfortunate colors quickly faded away.

I am saved.

to Haerin Kang.

After making a reservation for the next day’s upload, I looked at the cover with Haerin Kang’s face on it and muttered.

“… thank you. Harin.”

Because we’ve been together for such a long time, Kang Hae-rin felt like my girlfriend rather than a character.

“… I think I can say goodbye to you now. Of course, I don’t know when that will be, but killing people is going to be pretty hard for you too, right?”

It’s been a while since I’ve been reading 『Journal』 all the way from the beginning, so it was too exhausting and cruel.

“I was pretty violent. You suffered too.”

Perhaps thanks to my recent stable life, early readers also said that Haerin Kang seems to have lost her ‘misoism’.

Maybe that’s right.

I don’t know if I’m happy, but I’m not unhappy anymore.

And if I graduate from these days, it would be right to let go of Kang Hae-rin, who has been with me.

However, since she was the one who saved me, I wanted to give her the most perfect happiness as well.

“… but why do I keep writing bad endings?”

I have already tried several versions of the ending of 『Journal』, but Kang Hae-rin was never happy in the end.

As if paying for her own karma, Kang Hae-rin continued to kill people or choose to commit suicide.

It’s a strange word, but the writers will understand.

Lee Sang’s novel, which has been published over 1000 times, is a living organism, so I cannot control it according to my will.

Eventually I gave up.

Instead, I tried to write a novel in a parallel world using my real name, ‘Lee Dong-min’, rather than the ending of the main story.

The story of me dating Kang Hae-rin, possessed by my novel.

I made Kang Hae-rin madly obsessed with me, shamelessly, brazenly, with a lot of selfishness.

Haerin Kang is mine.

The episode was decorated with such selfish thoughts, and Kang Hae-rin came alive and moved as if correspondingly.

However, the ending was still a bad ending.

she killed me

[…”I don’t exist?” Haerin Kang said. Lee Dong-min shuddered. What does that mean? Say something. Kang Hae-rin, who felt alive for a moment while watching Lee Dong-min, felt it as a curse. I was confused. what does he think of her? Suddenly, a barrier formed between the two.]

I tried to force a happy ending, but in that case Kang Hae-rin’s character disappeared.

I tried to persuade Kang Hae-rin, but as if the tragic ending had been decided, the writing was written only in that direction.

“… Haerin, do you want to kill me?”

I was talking to myself.

Maybe Haerin Kang resents me for making her hold a knife in her hand.

[… Kang Hae-rin’s eyes flowed incessantly. She tried to explain the concentration of the tears. ‘Do you know the difference between tears shed when you’re sad and when you’re happy?’ These were the words Kang Hae-rin once said to Lee Dong-min. “Honey, what kind of tears are these? can you tell me Dong-min… My love…” Her hands were warmed little by little with Dong-min’s hot blood. However, that warmth could not make her a human being rather than a character. It would be forever.]

My heart was heavy.

As I wrote it, I empathized so much that I poured all my nerves to the point where I was exhausted.

The reason Kang Hae-rin killed Lee Dong-min was because Lee Dong-min actually did not like Kang Hae-rin.

Kang Hae-rin came to truly love Lee Dong-min, but ‘writer’ Lee Dong-min was afraid of her character, so he postponed love to survive.

It is discovered, and Lee Dong-min dies.

In Kang Hae-rin’s sorrowful monologue.

You could call it a kind of meta-fiction.

“…Shouldn’t I have been cheating in the first place?”

I have a lecture tomorrow, so I had to leave early.

I woke up from my thoughts

You have to go back to your daily routine.

I used to lead a nocturnal life, but now, a week after the start of school, I’m slowly changing my pattern.

I stayed sound enough to be proud of myself.

I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day, and I call my older sister who helped me become independent.

The writing pace has become much more stable.

Wake up and bedtime are the same.

It is surprisingly regular even to myself.

Recently, I also talked to a few of my classmates.

After I went to the beauty salon on my sister’s recommendation and bought several sets of clothes, the way they looked at me got better.

Of course, there was no great change if I did my hair or coordinating, but since I am a person at the bottom, I must have felt a big change.

Swoop.

Just then, there was a knock, knock, sound outside the door.

For a brief moment, the delusion that my father had found me was overpowered, but I soon calmed down.

He never knows this place.

Whoops.

The phone vibrated.

Well then, it couldn’t have been the father.

“… parcel?”

I got up from my seat.

It seemed to be the laptop I ordered.