Academy’s PTSD Chaplain

26 – 26. Martyr’s Blood (3)

“Say it again… Say it one more time….”

Father Antonelli’s eyes widened. His rough veins twisted on his arm as he raised it, causing his priestly robe to slide down.

“What did I do?”

Camilla, the priestess, whose throat was being squeezed tightly against the wall, frowned in pain.

In Camilla’s eyes, she saw Father Antonelli’s face, even more contorted than hers. His intense gaze blocked any existence between them, despite his glasses having disappeared somewhere.

His eyes contained regret as he looked at Camilla. It showed that his dry sorrow was ready to become a bonfire.

And Father Antonelli couldn’t hold back. He ignited a fire in his own emotionally parched state. There was no reason to douse it with oil or fill it with wind.

Father Antonelli’s pupils were flickering due to something indescribable. It was a rage that started burning unprepared, violently engulfing everything.

“Cough, gasp…!”

Camilla grabbed hold of Father Antonelli’s arm firmly. She pushed with all her strength, but his arm didn’t budge. Camilla desperately struggled and shouted.

“Let me go…!”

“What do you know…”

The words he spat out carried a weight like a solid rock. Camilla clenched her teeth and glared at him.

And as if Father Antonelli was not going to back down either, his fiery eyes fixated on her, shining with determination.

“…Alright. I understand now.”

Father Antonelli looked fiercely at the struggling Camilla. As if the sight was pathetic, he curled the corners of his mouth maliciously.

“So, you also participated in the war. Isn’t that right?”

In order to find Camilla’s weakness, he ruthlessly delved into her past.

“You also participated in the war. So, it’s only natural for you to ask me such a foolish question.”

“Heh… Let go of me…”

“You look like a green kid, barely in your twenties. In that case, you would have been a member of the Red Cross Youth Association.”

Father Antonelli’s anger grew stronger. The grip on Camilla’s throat tightened even more.

“Ugh…!”

“I know young brats like you very well. Probably, all you did was to tend to the wounded in the rear lines, comforting the injured soldiers who searched for the Lord’s name with empty hearts, reciting prayers filled with sympathy.”

“What… are you saying…”

“Unaware that it was an act of their kindness, you would have gained a pathetic pride. Drunk on the label of a war hero, countless young men who bravely stood at the forefront would have been forgotten in their minds…!”

Father Camilla began to tap Father Antonelli’s arm. Father Antonelli loosened his grip on her neck, afraid that she may faint.

“Father Camilla, do you know? I’m talking about the fact that while you were sitting in the back playing those childish games, Helena and I were crossing the enemy lines.”

“I… I…”

“Shut up. I don’t want to hear your selfish words filled with all sorts of pretenses… I’m not interested and I’m not curious.”

Father Antonelli’s eyes welled up with tears. Consumed by anger, he reached the point where bitter tears streamed down his face.

“You, a woman like that, wearing the robes of a mediocre priest… If you dare to come to me with such trivial nonsense and try to impose your mediocre standards on me, you better not even dream of it.”

“Ugh… I, I made a mistake…”

“…Ha. Haha…!”

Father Antonelli laughed bitterly. Father Camilla mumbled tearfully.

“I… I lied… Please, just…”

“Now you say that? You, you really…”

Whispering these words to her, Father Antonelli called her a cowardly woman. He found it truly absurd how she would blabber without understanding the situation, only now begging for forgiveness without any pride.

He spoke words so unimaginably vile, that she would never have expected.

“You don’t even know how you know Helena’s name.”

With a cold, harsh voice, Father Antonelli spoke.

“Don’t you dare impose your petty standards on me. Don’t dare to judge my actions.”

To him, the brutal and terrible conditions of the front lines were nothing more than a distant story heard in passing. While Helena and he poured all their strength into bringing the wounded soldiers into the fortress, healing them amidst the flying dirt and severed body parts, she comfortably sat in the aid station reciting her empty prayers.

“When Helena couldn’t even scream and was dying, you weren’t even there—!”

Bang!

Without holding onto Father Camilla’s neck, Father Antonelli’s right hand slammed against the wall. The sound was so loud that it echoed throughout the entire church.

“Don’t blame others for your own responsibilities.”

Father Antonelli, who had furrowed his brow for a moment, slowly released his grip on Father Camilla’s neck. She staggered and collapsed against the wall, gasping for fresh air.

“Cough! Cough…! Ugh, huh…!”

As Father Camilla desperately gulped in air, saliva dripped from her mouth. Father Antonelli let out a heavy sigh.

“Hoo…”

He found this situation frustrating. This unresolved situation, where nothing was resolved and only a sense of discomfort remained between them, was incredibly suffocating.

Father Antonelli took a slow deep breath. As he took a few deep breaths, his arms, which were trembling incessantly from anger, gradually stopped shaking.

“Father Camilla. I will not apologize.”

The harsh tone had returned unexpectedly. Although his tone was relentlessly cold, that is.

“Do not disrespect Father Helena in front of me anymore.”

Father Camilla, who had been silently listening to his words, staggered to her feet and shouted angrily.

“When did I ever disrespect Father Helena?!”

“Bringing up anything related to her is an insult to her memory and belittles her death.”

Father Camilla was speechless. Tears welled up in her eyes, but she forcefully blinked them away, not wanting to show her emotions to Father Antonelli.

Seeing her like that, Father Antonelli let out a soft sigh.

“…Dealing with you all. Perhaps I shouldn’t have taken on this task.”

“….”

“Either report this matter to Father Pietro, or go all the way to the Vatican, do as you please. And…”

Father Antonelli glanced briefly at Father Camilla’s disheveled robes. It seemed urgent to change clothes.

“Ask Vice Principal Sofia for guidance regarding the staff dormitory. Please handle the paperwork as soon as possible.”

Without waiting for Father Camilla’s response, Father Antonelli turned around and distanced himself from her.

It was a cold and heavy declaration that he no longer wished to engage in conversation.

* * * * *

“Huu….”

I sank into the sofa in the office of the head priest. My body, which had been complaining of exhaustion, started to relax as it sank into the soft cushions.

Vice Principal Sofia and Father Pietro were no longer here. I absentmindedly gazed into empty space for a moment.

“…What a fool.”

I couldn’t bear it because I felt so foolish. I was so pitiful that I couldn’t even sigh.

Did I really have to get angry? Couldn’t there have been another way to understand her words?

Although I thought that, another part of me within my heart denied it.

You did well. It’s amazing that you didn’t use violence.

I felt so disgusted by my dual nature that I could barely stand it…

“….”

The image of me lifting her by the collar and shaking her comes to mind. I had handed over control of my body to the simple emotion of anger.

The gaze of Father Camilla, who was staring at me with a flushed face, flashed in my mind. It seemed both possessed by malice and filled with fear.

A thick, dark sense of disgust crept up on me, like a sticky swamp. The feeling of bugs crawling on my skin gave me goosebumps, and involuntarily I swept my arm.

What’s the difference between Father Camilla and me? What’s the point of boasting about killing a few more people, about healing those whose limbs have been severed?

I withdrew the cigarette from my pocket, criticizing myself. The process of putting the cigarette in my mouth and lighting it with a match flowed naturally, like water running.

As I bit into the filter, the refreshing scent of tobacco alleviated some of the suffocating feeling that lingered deep in my lungs. I exhaled a thick plume of smoke into the air.

My previously heated head cooled slightly. I was now able to think rationally, and I welcomed this state of mind wholeheartedly.

First, I should apologize to Father Peter. It was impolite to abruptly leave in the middle of our conversation.

While it may have been a personal arrangement, I was representing the academy in receiving them. Therefore, I needed to be attentive….

“Damn it….”

Unintentionally, a senseless laughter burst from my lips. It seemed ridiculous to worry about such things, given what I had done to Priest Camilla. I extinguished the cigarette butt against the ashtray and put a new one to my lips.

As the time spent smoking cigarettes lengthened, the number of cigarette butts accumulating in the ashtray increased. Simultaneously, the burden in my heart lightened ever so slightly.

Just how much time had passed as I mindlessly smoked my cigarette?

Bang.

“Father Headmaster. Just now…. Cough! Cough!”

Sophia, the subdirector, entered the office and coughed in astonishment at the room filled with cigarette smoke. I quickly opened the window to ventilate the space.

“I apologize, Subdirector Sophia.”

“Cough! Cough! You should ventilate while you smoke…. Cough!”

“…I’m truly sorry.”

I detested myself. It was pitiful how I always ended up inconveniencing those around me like this.

Suppressing a deep self-loathing, I threw the empty cigarette case into the trash can. When the smoke dissipated to a certain extent, Subdirector Sophia cautiously entered the headmaster’s office.

“Gosh, it’s not even a raccoon den…. Please remember to ventilate from now on.”

“I will be mindful of that.”

“We will give the two of you a ride to the dormitory.”

“You’ve worked hard, Subdirector Sophia.”

After momentarily hesitating in her place, Subdirector Sophia sat cautiously on the sofa next to me. Her eyes landed on the table.

“The tea has gone cold….”

“……”

Father Peter and Priest Camilla’s cups were half empty, while the tea in front of me remained almost untouched, chillingly cold.

I sipped the cold tea, my mouth moving soundlessly.

“Subdirector Sophia, were you very surprised?”

“What now?”

“When I ran out earlier.”

Upon hearing my words, Subdirector Sophia’s expression contorted strangely. It was a face that seemed on the verge of tears, yet desperately held back laughter.