ALL NOVEL 42. Heartbroken (Tess)
"Amy?" I asked softly. "Are you going to be ok?"
She didn't respond right away, she looked like she was mostly focused on driving.
We were on our way home from her parents' place. It was a short visit, just long enough for her mother to alienate us both and get into an argument with Hailey. Then Amy had her angel show up and make a scene, revealed herself to be a Goddess, and had a brief heart to heart talk with her dad.
Amy didn't leave her family home in tears this time, but she still seemed upset. She was quiet and sullen, and she looked guilty.
And unlike our visit last summer, Hailey and Alex didn't leave with us this time. Hailey promised she'd call later tonight to check on Amy, but she and her partner opted to stay for Easter dinner.
"I'm fine," my girlfriend finally responded.
She didn't sound fine, she was speaking in a dull monotone voice which made her sound depressed. Or at least, she sounded emotionally withdrawn.
"It's what I was worried about last summer," she elaborated after a few seconds. "I thought the magic was terrifying, I couldn't understand why you and Hailey and Alex thought it was so cool. Now we know my parents felt the same way I did. They were scared. And I just made everything worse with that 'angel of doom' demonstration today."
I sighed, "Please don't be too hard on yourself, ok? I understand why you did it, and you didn't know how your folks would react. You didn't know how they felt about the magic last summer because they pushed you away instead of talking to you about it."
There were a few other thoughts I had about the whole situation, but I didn't want to burden Amy with them. From what I'd observed, her mother had serious control issues. I almost wanted to suggest the woman could benefit from some therapy, but I knew she wouldn't listen to me. It did cross my mind to mention it to Hailey at some point, maybe she could broach the subject with her mom.
Amy sighed, and she still looked guilty. After a few seconds she said, "It's not safe for a normal person to have this kind of magic. It's too easy to abuse it, too easy to make a mistake and mess things up. It's probably why Amethyst let herself forget about it, when she was with Mary. It wouldn't have been safe for her to live among humans while having access to that kind of power."
I frowned, "You're not a normal person Amy. You're a Goddess. I know you don't like to admit that, you don't like to think about it. But even your angel knows it's true. And you've had the power for nine months now, you haven't abused it. Even when people have made you angry, even when it would have been perfectly understandable to lash out or fall back on that magic, you've held back. And you know I'm here to help you."
She sighed again and shook her head slightly. She still looked guilty, and now I had the feeling she had something specific in mind. I wondered if maybe she'd done something without my knowing, something she was feeling guilty about now.
I started debating whether or not I should ask. On the one hand I didn't want to get her too upset right now, it was perhaps something we could save till she wasn't dealing with the stress and emotions from the visit with her parents. On the other hand it might be best to ask about it while it was on her mind, since it looked like it was troubling her.
In the end I didn't have to ask, she brought it up on her own.
"Tess, have you noticed how my deadname never came up, either of the times we visited my parents? With the way my mom was bitching about my new name today, don't you think she'd have mentioned the old one at least once?"
I frowned, "Hailey might have told your parents not to mention it. She and Alex both seem to know a fair bit about trans issues, I'm sure they both know it's best not to mention it."
She shook her head, "Hailey may have mentioned that, but do you seriously believe my mom would care?"
"What are you saying Amy?"
My girlfriend took a deep breath then admitted, "Last summer, at Hailey's birthday... When I accidentally wished away the pictures of the old me, I also wished none of my family would say my old name. I'm pretty sure they still remember it, but none of them are able to speak it. They might not even be able to write it down, or otherwise share it."
She shook her head and sighed again, "It was pretty much my biggest fear right? That I'd accidentally do something harmful? And I did. I used magic on my mom, my dad, and my sister. They have to know it too, they must have realized some time in the past nine months that they can't utter that name no matter how hard they try. It's no wonder my mom's bitter about it."
"And despite what you and Raven keep telling me, I'm not a goddess. I'm just Amy. I'm a human, and like all humans I'm flawed. And ok that's only one serious mistake in the past nine months, but what if I mess up again? What if I accidentally do something even worse? What if I hurt you?"
"You won't," I replied. "I know you won't."
She shook her head again, "How do you know I won't?"
"I have faith in you," I stated firmly. "And that mistake was last summer. You were under a lot of stress, you didn't know who or what you were, and you were trying to come out to your parents. You'd only just come to terms with being trans yourself, you were terrified of magic and you had me and Hailey both cheering you on and hoping to see more of it."
Amy frowned, "What about the fact that even after I learned the truth, after I learned how to control the magic, I've never reversed it? It's been nine months and I've never lifted that magic from my family."
I shook my head, "I don't blame you for that either hon. Just like I don't blame you for doing it in the first place, or for getting rid of all the old photos of yourself. Would I have done things differently if I had that power? Yes. Instead of removing your old self from the pictures, I'd have replaced the old images with pictures of the new you. But I'd still have gotten rid of the old images. I know how much that can hurt. Even if you're not suffering the dysphoria now it can still hurt to be reminded of it. Same with hearing or being addressed by your deadname."
My girlfriend was quiet for a bit, just staring at the road as she drove. After a minute or so she finally asked, "How do you know what it's like?"
I responded with a question of my own, "Haven't you ever wondered how I knew so much about being trans? That first weekend, that first morning when you and I met, didn't you wonder how I knew to ask about pronouns, and what name you preferred?"
She shook her head, "At the time I was too distracted with my own problems. And I guess I haven't really thought about it since then. But yeah, you seemed to know more about what I was going through than I think most people would. You certainly knew more about it than I did."
I took a deep breath as I braced myself. The memories were still painful, even after all this time. I wanted to tell her though, I wanted her to understand where I was coming from.
"It's because my first girlfriend was trans," I explained quietly. "We were in high school, we met at the beginning of grade eleven. I thought she was a guy and I thought I was straight, then she came out to me about a month after we started dating. I liked her, I wanted to stay with her regardless. And I wanted to support her, so I learned as much as I could about her situation, and what she was going through. Unfortunately her family weren't anywhere near that interested or supportive."
After a sigh I continued, "And if I had access to magic like you Amy, I'd have erased her deadname too. Not just from her family, but everyone. Her so-called friends, the teachers at school, the other kids. Hell I'd have purged it from my own mind. I saw how much it hurt her every time someone used it. So no, I don't blame you for doing that. I bet Hailey wouldn't either, if you ever told her. I get the feeling she'd understand."
Amy was quiet for a few seconds, then finally asked in a soft voice "What was your girlfriend's name?"
"Daisy," I replied quietly. "Her name was Daisy."
There was more I wanted to say, but I kept it to myself. It wasn't a happy story and I didn't want to burden Amy with it while she was dealing with some heavy issues of her own.
Amy glanced at me before focusing on the road again. She frowned, she looked like she had questions but wasn't sure she should ask them. She probably saw the emotions on my face, and definitely would have heard them in my voice.
After a long pause she finally asked, "What happened to Daisy? I can tell it's not good Tess, but I'd like to know? If it's not too hard to talk about it."
I took another deep breath then let it out in a long quiet sigh. It took me a half minute or so to find the words, and it was still painful to actually speak them. And once the words finally came I couldn't stop talking until I'd reached the end.
"Daisy's family wouldn't let her transition, they did their best to try and 'fix' her instead. They went out of their way to remind her she was AMAB, as if that would make her stop being trans. The teachers at school refused to use her new name, I'm positive her parents talked to them or something, convinced them to stick with her deadname."
My emotions were all over the place as I continued talking. I felt sad, angry, bitter, and even guilty.
"I was the only one in her life trying to help her and support her. The only people she had on her side were me and some trans friends she made online. I tried to convince her to leave home, to get out of that toxic environment, but she was too scared. I'm sure her folks said or did something to convince her not to go. I wish I did more, I wish I'd tried harder. She put up with that for seven or eight months, desperate to be herself while almost everyone else in her life told her she was wrong, or evil, or a freak."
As I got to the end of the story I felt my voice breaking but I couldn't stop until it was over.
"By the end of grade eleven she'd run out of fight. She disappeared one day during exams week. I didn't see her that morning, she didn't answer my texts, and she never showed up for our English exam. Afterwards I found a note stuffed into my locker. She thanked me for being her friend and for all my support and kindness. She said she was sorry and that she'd miss me. They found her body that afternoon..."
I blinked away my tears as I suddenly felt Amy's arms around me, and realized we'd stopped at the side of the road.
She was leaning over so she could hold me as she whispered, "Tess I'm so sorry."
I wrapped my arms around her in a tight hug, and after sniffing and blinking away more tears I forced myself to finish the story.
"At the funeral they made it sound like being trans is what killed her, instead of them driving her to it. They never once acknowledged her real name. Even her grave stone deadnames and misgenders her. I'm probably the only one in the world who remembers who she really was. She was the first person I ever loved, who ever loved me back, and losing her broke my heart..."
By the time I got to the end of the story Amy was holding me even tighter. She didn't try talking to me, she knew there wasn't anything to say. Being in each other's arms was enough, and rested my head against her shoulder as I focused on calming myself down.
After a few deep breaths I finally stated in a quiet but firm voice, "That's why I don't blame you for not wanting to hear your deadname or see pre-transition photos of yourself. That's how I know how much that can hurt. You're not a bad person for wishing that away Amy."
She continued holding me tightly as she sighed, "Thanks Tess. And I'm sorry for what happened to Daisy."
