An Age of Mysterious Memories

Upon approach to Mount Solace, it’s curious to see a flight of dragons, more curious that it appears to be a skirmish, mostly between dragons I don’t recognize. I’m guessing that some of them are the ancients we’d taken in from Jeegoobotstan after slaying Qlaxianna. That means they are willing to defend Solace, our home, their new home. The others then—Terrorzin’s lackeys are starting to make bigger moves, larger plays, acting more outwardly directly against the Onyx Dawn. At least, it seems the various ancients are willing to defend Solace, until a mighty roar from below sends them scattering.

Oh, that mighty roar belongs to my wife, our beloved Administrator, Lil’s mother, Kinzul. I’m beginning to understand why Terrorzin hadn’t acted against the Onyx Dawn directly often before now, except to enforce his egg-related rules or keep the Onyx Dawn from raising archmages. I whistle a low note of appreciation, and even Teuila blinks, stunned, as we witness Kinzul swelling to Brobdingnagian proportions. Kinzul’s breath weapon sends our foes scattering while Lil, Teuila, and I, are still on approach. More than that, it virtually disintegrates the wing membranes of many of them, sending them crashing into the Worldstorm.

Whispering his own appreciation after a sharp inhalation, Lil utters a single word, “Momma,” with a drawn out pause attached to it.

Simultaneously as if only now aware of our approach, yet also as if she’d been planning to welcome us this very instant, Kinzul takes wing from Solace in our direction, shrinking as she does. She meets Lil in a tender spiraling flight, showering him with love, and by extension, Teuila and myself as well. We need exchange no words. She understands our victory, and the costs it entailed. Today has been harrowing, but we did it. We made it home, to her, to them, to all of the denizens of Solace relying on us, to all of those that we love.

I weep with gratitude, and leap skyward off of Lil, angling towards the aerie, startling Lil, Teuila, and Kinzul. Drawing a ragged breath, I hold it, and float down gently, after telekinetically boosting the angle of my descent. I’m not ready. I want to be there, to comfort and console Lil and Teuila, to work through our day together, but I’m not ready. I’m certainly not ready to receive the praise that awaits as more and more dragonkin assemble on the aerie. I swiftly, stealthily as I’m able, rocket down into Solace proper.

I don’t know where to go to take the time I need to, to prepare to be my best self for the others. I find myself tempted to put on my psi-blocking circlet, to keep from drawing telepathic attention to myself, but I don’t truly want to be alone, not really. Still, my outgoing passive-broadcast walls are up, so that hopefully no one is inundated with my thoughts as I try to collect them and get them in order. There’s so much to do yet today, to take care of.

I try to piece together where everyone is, and I’m surprised at how many are, or were in the security center. I hadn’t been able to spare much thought or vision to the goggles during the final moments of Al’pa’ca and our defense against the siege of his horde. I shouldn’t be all that surprised when Illy corners me as I’m wandering about, since she could see the general path I was ambling, through the display of the scrying sensor’s output from my goggles.

Trying to acknowledge her in passing, without getting too deeply into things, I begin to float past Illy, but she’s not having it. Iylynila backs me into a corner, and leans her forehead down to mine as she mutters, “Thank you. We saw. We all saw, or were told. I get you’re probably not ready to talk right now, but I need you to know. Okay? I need you to know that I’m glad you did it, that you made it back. Keep it up Schism. Please. Always. Lots of people want to see you right now, but I’m guessing you’re going to lock yourself in your vault, huh?”

Nodding numbly, I lean against Iylynila for a while longer yet. I shouldn’t be surprised at how well she’s got me figured out, since we shared hivemind time. That, and she really is a remarkable, intuitive woman. Just—we get it, you’re not ready, shut up and deal with it already—yeah. My stomach aches, as does my heart. I nod, tears in my eyes, as Iylynila moves aside to let me pass. She flashes me a weak smile, her own eyes wet, with gratitude, or perhaps something else—at the moment, I can’t bear to leave my heart open enough to sense her feelings—as I float by.

Processing this is going to take at least a few minutes. Minutes I don’t really want to spend in solitude, but I have to. Lucky is annoyed in our mindscape, at my need for solitude, my seemingly ignoring him and his excitement at my return. I wish I could just give him the love he deserves, and forget about everything else at the moment, but he understands. He knows me well enough, to know that my mind isn’t always able to handle what I or anyone else might want of it. My lower jaw quivers, and my lower lip along with it.

Grateful for Lucky’s understanding, and his dutiful watch over Alanea and the injured in the infirmary, I continue my path, as predicted by Illy. I sense Pawn and Prinrin about, as I near Mount Verdimenn. They’re both empathetic enough, intuitive enough, that they understand where I’m at mentally, emotionally. I nearly lost Teuila today, Lil as well, several times over. I had panic attacks, trauma flashbacks today, I think several times over as well.

Skating and surfing along in towards Mount Verdimenn, Nala pays me no mind as I scoop a bunch of unfinished items waiting for enchantments into my bags. Littlebit gazes my way, excitedly approaching, but somehow Nala knows. Nala puts out a hand to redirect Littlebit’s attention, to keep her distracted and keep her from feeling dejected or rejected by my current state. Maybe my passive walls aren’t up as thoroughly as I thought. I’m not certain. I’m surprised at Nala’s savviness, but grateful for it nonetheless.

Vyela, whom appeared to be sleeping in her massive gold dragon form, curled around the dugout, offers me her cursory, “Hmm,” as I pass towards my vault. I could almost laugh if I were in a better state of mind.

I can sense Leezahna peeking out of her abode at me, since her home is basically right across the hall from my vault. Paying her no mind, I slip inside and close the adamantite vault door behind me as I finally allow myself to lose my composure. I slide down against the interior of the vault door, sobbing to myself. Not all of us will make it back every time, and it’s all the more clear to me, now more than ever.

There are still dozens of thousands of foes to face within Terrorzin’s ranks outnumbering us thousands to one still. The Damnations are still on the loose, and each could kill nearly any of my family members outside of my inner circle, with but a touch to steal their souls. I can’t bear losing any of them, my new family, my loved ones.

I even have people like Yui and Yuri whom I barely know, that I’d be devastated to lose. Hell, I already nearly lost Yuri. Zelshiz and their Spellknights, I might want to be able to think of as just Terrorzin’s forces, under temporary surrender, so as not to get attached, but it’s not true. They’re as much family now as anyone else within Solace.

Shiz is going to get to be an uncle. Atter’s going to get to be a mother. Yui might even clutch! After this strike against Terrorzin, this brazen, out-and-out attack that decimated a huge chunk of his force, and one of his most dangerous weapons-in-the-making, he’s sure to retaliate. How many of us will survive a retaliatory attack by the overwhelming percentage of dragonkind loyal to Terrorzin?

I know that Solace is largely infused with Kinzul’s dragonforce, and the dragonforces of several elders I’d never met. Thus it would be difficult to outright destroy it by conventional means. Still, could it withstand the destructive fury of fifty thousand foes? Foes that include the Damnations and even possibly Terrorzin himself?

My spiritswarm buzzes sickeningly within me. I wonder if I could somehow free them—it, now, I guess—back into the ether. It seems unlikely. One of my many failures today I guess. Though, without them—it—would I have been able to aid in defeating Al’pa’ca? Would we have succeeded at all?

It doesn’t seem likely in retrospect. Still, it feels awful to have absorbed them, and made them a part of me. Though, at least it seems relatively happy, zooming around my system, almost playing with the electrically driven parts of my body.

Another thing that feels awful is to have abandoned Lil and Teuila into Kinzul’s care upon returning to Solace. Kinzul and those on the aerie needed heroes to cheer for though, to laud and praise. Lil and Teuila are much better at receiving that sort of attention than I am. Plus, it was far more their victory than mine. Stop that. Hm? It was a team effort and you know it. Everyone had parts to play. I know, but—no. No buts. Just stop.

Focus on enchanting, and gathering your thoughts. You had a rough day in a lot of ways. Cut yourself some emotional slack. There’s a lot to prepare for. Things only get harder, deadlier, from here on out. Breathe, and get it handled.

I so badly want—you want to be able to be there for them, but you yourself need help right now. Cutting yourself off isn’t the best way to deal with it, but right now, you’re handling it, and coping the only way you can think of. You’ll be alright. You’ll pull through this. This is the primary timeline. Teuila is alive. You all made it home.

Heaving a sigh, I nod along to no one but myself I suppose. We did. If Te and Lil weren’t so close to death’s door, I’d call it a pretty much grand slam victory for us. I mean, in a lot of ways, it was, even with our injuries and setbacks. Over eight thousand foes, and Terrorzin’s most powerful archmage down, along with however many resources sapped, and the extinction of his Worldstorm domination plan.

What about you, hm? Me? Well, hm. Well, my physical injuries are patching more quickly than ever. I think losing my lycanthrope form absorbed some of its regeneration to my base form, or its side-mana-pool is now split between my base form and my other side forms, or something. Between that, whatever strange effect the Stone In Two Parts has, the spiritswarm, my somehow renewed connection to my thermokinesis, and improved electrokinesis, I’m likely to be ready for battle again by morning.

Good. They were right. You’re going to be the knife’s edge, applied to nearly every engagement. Tears roll down my cheeks in an unending cascade. It keeps coming back to this, doesn’t it? Sooner or later, Reggie Shellcracker has to go it alone, if they don’t want the people around them to die in the process. Shut up doofus. Hey, I’m—shut up. You’re hurting, and scared. Those are okay things to be at any time, but especially in a time of war, when the future is so uncertain. You aren’t doomed to taking this on alone. They wouldn’t let you even if you wanted to.

But how can I make sure they come home, that they all survive til the end? You can’t! Okay? Just breathe. There are no guarantees. It’s going to hurt. You’ll likely suffer losses, and likely sooner rather than later. You don’t have to just accept that, but it will be better to be prepared for it.

You won’t get time to grieve. Not any time soon anyway. Of course you don’t want to lose anyone, of course you don’t. You aren’t powerful enough to take on fifty-thousand plus dragonkin all at once on your own though. It’s stupid and insane to even remotely think otherwise.

Tell me Reggie, is your Honoris Causa even healed? Hm. Whispering my titles to myself, it seems to be flickering in and out, not quite able to manifest yet. I’m guessing a day or two before it’s back at close to full strength.

I could swear there was a slight shriek when I recited my titles, and my Honoris Causa started to manifest. Or maybe an extremely loud shriek, dulled and quieted, muffled by the thick adamantite slab of a vault door. In fact, there might be a tremulous knocking happening as well.

I guess that’s all the time you get to pull yourself together Reggie. You might as well see who’s knocking, though based on the fearful state of the knock, we’re pretty sure we know who it is. Yeah, pretty sure indeed. I wonder what she wants or needs. Best collect myself and respond quickly if I don’t want things to fall apart.