Antidote

I woke up from my sleep early at dawn with a headache.I had an unusually vivid dream throughout the night. It was so vivid that even after waking up, I had to lie in bed for quite a while, trying to figure out if I was still in the dream or awake. Thankfully, the small bed and the crinkling blanket helped bring me back to reality.I raised my body and lowered my feet to the floor. My toes caught on my slippers. I groped the table with my fingers until I found the kettle. I poured water into a cup and brought it to my lips. The cold water moistened my dry lips and gradually cleared the fog in my mind.I placed the cup back on the table and looked up at the black ceiling for a moment.Urkal’s words from last night kept circling in my head.Though my body was here, my mind was wandering somewhere else—somewhere that could have been the past, the present, or perhaps somewhere other than the eastern Karlac.I was still retracing the vivid dream in my mind.I think it was summer. Sharp, bluish conifer trees were rising, and a cold wind was blowing upward, fluttering my clothes and hair. I was standing over a gorge that seemed to span dozens of meters, looking down below.Jiyod was beside me, along with a few other people.I recalled their faces.Some were blurry, as if hidden in a fog, but a few were clear. One of them was Ismion.Ismion stood on my left with his usual cold and stern expression. I was slightly leaning toward him, as if listening to him speak, and Ismion, too, had leaned in close to me.We were talking about a massive bridge. It was a bridge that stretched across this deep and majestic gorge.“The survey results aren’t much different.”“You’ve done well.”“The accuracy of the design drawings helped. But we might need to tighten the financial flow a bit more. It seems like most of the budget is going to the military…”Ismion leaned in even closer to me. His lips were almost touching my ear as he quickly whispered while glancing around.“Sir Jiyod’s army is devouring an enormous amount of money. How about we cut back a little?”I think I might have smiled in the dream.A bell rang in the distance, signaling the opening of the door. My mind, wandering through the hazy dream, quickly snapped back to reality. I neatly folded the black cloak I was holding and hid it in the farthest corner of the bed before getting up.Since taking on the task of caring for Lisbeth’s children, my daily routine had become slightly delayed. However, as I wasn’t one to enjoy lazing around too late, I still woke up at about the same time and instead attended to Lisbeth. Of course, Lisbeth had a skilled maid who handled her dresses and hair accessories, so my duties were mostly limited to bringing her morning tea or occasionally sitting with her for breakfast and keeping her company.I stopped by the kitchen, picked up a teapot and cups, and headed to Lisbeth’s private quarters.Already awake, Lisbeth welcomed me as I entered with the tea.Thankfully, she said nothing about the expensive tea set I had broken the other day. She seemed to simply believe my excuse that I had dropped and broken it by mistake due to my inexperience.“You don’t look well.”As I placed the teacup on the table, she abruptly made that remark.I lowered my head.“Maybe it’s because I had dreams all night.”“…What kind of dreams?”“Just meaningless ones.”At my response, Lisbeth’s brow twitched. A ripple passed through her eyes. It was such a peculiar change that I couldn’t help but have a puzzled expression on my face. Her fingers, resting on the table, tapped its edge as if anxious.“Shall I call a wizard?”“They were just trivial dreams. I’m fine. You don’t need to worry.”It would be ridiculous to call a wizard to interpret a vague dream that could have been either a memory from the past or just a hallucination created by my madness.I picked up the kettle and poured tea into the cup. The perfectly steeped tea emitted a fragrant aroma.Lisbeth sat me down in front of her, drank her tea, and changed clothes. She asked me a few more times about my dream, but I evaded answering. Whether it was because I felt embarrassed to share a silly dream with her or because of Ida’s words that I didn’t need to tell others about my memories, I wasn’t sure.While Lisbeth went outside for a walk, I tidied up the tea set and took it to the kitchen. The kitchen staff still felt uncomfortable around me, but the young servants seemed more at ease than before. After all, how much could children around ten years old really remember about my past?After grabbing a simple bite in the kitchen, I headed back to Lisbeth’s quarters. Lisbeth, having finished her walk, was in her office, and the nanny was waking the children. Kirsten, who had just woken up, clung to my leg.At that moment, a short woman with a hard, stone-like face entered, holding a tray. On the tray was a small plate and a glass of water. It was my medicine. Three white pills and one green pill. I popped them all into my mouth at once and swallowed them with water. The woman holding the tray watched me until I finished swallowing, then retrieved the glass and left the room.Kirsten tugged at my sleeve.“Slan, what are you eating?”The boy tilted his head. His round, bluish eyes blinked.I gently pushed his hair back from his forehead.“Medicine.”“Medicine?”“Yeah. I’m sick.”At that, he pressed his plump cheek against my palm.“Don’t be sick.”I wanted that too. Instead of answering, I just smiled.“I’m fine now.”Despite it being just a day’s outing, my mind felt buoyant. The space surrounded by high pillars and walls felt suffocating. As I fed soft baby food to the two young sisters, aged three and four, my mind drifted elsewhere—to thoughts of Jiyod, who had gone to Stravin, and the golden waters I had seen from the turquoise marble mansion by the banks of the Kövisto River.I remembered the dream from last night, unsure whether it was a memory from my past or just a hallucination born from madness. Urkal’s words also swirled in my head.It was on my way back to my room to rest after feeding the children.I heard footsteps following me down the corridor that connected the main building to the annex. The footsteps were all too familiar. Light and quick, the rustle of clothes, and the clink of a steel sword.My heart tightened.I quickened my pace. My left ankle began to throb, but I had no time to worry about it. Just as I reached the glass door leading into the annex, breathless and pushing it open, the footsteps abruptly stopped right behind me. Then, a rough hand grabbed my wrist.I barely stifled a scream.As my body turned, I saw the person standing behind me. Lister was there. His black eyebrows were tightly furrowed. His face was expressionless, and his lips were firmly pressed together.My breathing grew louder. I tried to pull my wrist away, but his five fingers, clamped around me like a vice, didn’t budge.“Let’s talk.”He spoke in a low voice.I shook my head instead of answering.But Lister paid no attention to my refusal. He simply reached out and pushed the glass door open himself. He shoved me inside.Thankfully, she said nothing about the expensive tea set I had broken the other day. She seemed to simply believe my excuse that I had dropped and broken it by mistake due to my inexperience.“You don’t look well.”As I placed the teacup on the table, she abruptly made that remark.I lowered my head.“Maybe it’s because I had dreams all night.”“…What kind of dreams?”“Just meaningless ones.”At my response, Lisbeth’s brow twitched. A ripple passed through her eyes. It was such a peculiar change that I couldn’t help but have a puzzled expression on my face. Her fingers, resting on the table, tapped its edge as if anxious.“Shall I call a wizard?”“They were just trivial dreams. I’m fine. You don’t need to worry.”It would be ridiculous to call a wizard to interpret a vague dream that could have been either a memory from the past or just a hallucination created by my madness.I picked up the kettle and poured tea into the cup. The perfectly steeped tea emitted a fragrant aroma.Lisbeth sat me down in front of her, drank her tea, and changed clothes. She asked me a few more times about my dream, but I evaded answering. Whether it was because I felt embarrassed to share a silly dream with her or because of Ida’s words that I didn’t need to tell others about my memories, I wasn’t sure.While Lisbeth went outside for a walk, I tidied up the tea set and took it to the kitchen. The kitchen staff still felt uncomfortable around me, but the young servants seemed more at ease than before. After all, how much could children around ten years old really remember about my past?After grabbing a simple bite in the kitchen, I headed back to Lisbeth’s quarters. Lisbeth, having finished her walk, was in her office, and the nanny was waking the children. Kirsten, who had just woken up, clung to my leg.At that moment, a short woman with a hard, stone-like face entered, holding a tray. On the tray was a small plate and a glass of water. It was my medicine. Three white pills and one green pill. I popped them all into my mouth at once and swallowed them with water. The woman holding the tray watched me until I finished swallowing, then retrieved the glass and left the room.Kirsten tugged at my sleeve.“Slan, what are you eating?”The boy tilted his head. His round, bluish eyes blinked.I gently pushed his hair back from his forehead.“Medicine.”“Medicine?”“Yeah. I’m sick.”At that, he pressed his plump cheek against my palm.“Don’t be sick.”I wanted that too. Instead of answering, I just smiled.“I’m fine now.”Despite it being just a day’s outing, my mind felt buoyant. The space surrounded by high pillars and walls felt suffocating. As I fed soft baby food to the two young sisters, aged three and four, my mind drifted elsewhere—to thoughts of Jiyod, who had gone to Stravin, and the golden waters I had seen from the turquoise marble mansion by the banks of the Kövisto River.I remembered the dream from last night, unsure whether it was a memory from my past or just a hallucination born from madness. Urkal’s words also swirled in my head.It was on my way back to my room to rest after feeding the children.I heard footsteps following me down the corridor that connected the main building to the annex. The footsteps were all too familiar. Light and quick, the rustle of clothes, and the clink of a steel sword.My heart tightened.I quickened my pace. My left ankle began to throb, but I had no time to worry about it. Just as I reached the glass door leading into the annex, breathless and pushing it open, the footsteps abruptly stopped right behind me. Then, a rough hand grabbed my wrist.I barely stifled a scream.As my body turned, I saw the person standing behind me. Lister was there. His black eyebrows were tightly furrowed. His face was expressionless, and his lips were firmly pressed together.My breathing grew louder. I tried to pull my wrist away, but his five fingers, clamped around me like a vice, didn’t budge.“Let’s talk.”He spoke in a low voice.I shook my head instead of answering.But Lister paid no attention to my refusal. He simply reached out and pushed the glass door open himself. He shoved me inside.“I have nothing to talk about with you. Let go!” I shouted quietly, but he remained silent, dragging me down the hallway. I tried to resist, planting my feet firmly, but it was useless.There was no way I could win with strength. Besides, there wasn’t anyone nearby to tell Lisbeth about this outrageous act. The hallway was quiet, and there was no sign of anyone at the far end.Eventually, I was forcibly dragged to the front of my room.Lister opened the door and shoved me inside.My heart felt like it was about to explode. My lungs expanded and contracted rapidly, struggling for air. Heavy breaths escaped through my nose and mouth.“No.”I clung to the doorframe, refusing to go inside.“Don’t waste your strength. No one’s going to eat you,” Lister growled softly as he forcefully pushed me into the room. The push made my knees buckle, and I almost collapsed, but Lister grabbed me by the waist, pulling me upright. The moment his arm wrapped around my waist, I couldn’t hold back a scream.“Let go! Let go…!”As I struggled, Lister’s breath grew heavier. He tightened his grip on me, but when my resistance intensified, he slowly released me.The moment he let go, I scrambled to the far corner of the room. My back hit the wall, and it felt like someone had stuffed my lungs with wet cotton, making it hard to breathe.“Don’t get so worked up. I’m here to talk,” he said slowly.I glared at him, refusing to let my guard down.Trying to kick him out now would only make him angrier. It was probably better to let him say whatever he came to say and then leave. I tried to calm myself down with that thought.“What do you want to talk about?”I barely managed to steady my voice and ask. Lister took a step closer. My shoulders tensed up. A smirk spread across his face.“You’re looking at me like I’m some kind of monster.”“Just get on with it.”When I pressed him, Lister clammed up. His lips twitched for a moment.An unbearably uncomfortable silence followed. Sitting on a bed of nails would have been more tolerable.“…I’m sorry about that day.”His sudden apology made my eyes widen.I couldn’t believe it.I let out a bitter laugh. Lister cursed under his breath.“That’s why you’ve been avoiding me, right? Damn it, that day… I was out of my mind… I was drunk, and…”He muttered like a madman and took another step toward me. I wanted to back away, but I was already against the wall. The other side of the room was where the bed was, and I’d rather die than go there.I pressed my back hard against the wall, wishing I could disappear into it, but contrary to my hopes, the wall didn’t melt into soft jelly and swallow me up. Lister marched over to me, stopping just in front of me.“Are you even listening to me?”He demanded, and I lowered my head, staring at my feet.It took all my strength just to regulate my breathing.He grabbed my chin and forced my head up.Our eyes met.In the depths of his green irises, a flame flickered, and seeing it, I was terrified, even though I didn’t want to be. I was scared he’d hit me again, rip my body apart again.Lister stared down at me. His voice was a rough whisper.“You smiled first.”I didn’t understand what he meant.Lister scolded me again.“You smiled at me that day in front of the dining table!”“I, I never…”I wanted to deny it, but the words wouldn’t come out properly.I smiled at him?There’s no way. Even if I did, he must’ve mistaken my smile for Kirsten or Lisbeth.“So I thought you, ha! had changed your mind… damn it!”He spat out curses one after another.I shrank back, my neck drawing in.Changed my mind?What on earth is he talking about?“Are you listening?”His grip on my chin tightened brutally. It hurt as if my jaw might dislocate, and as the pressure on my jaw joint increased, my lips parted involuntarily. My eyes stung as though tears were about to fall, but I forced myself to hold them back. I barely managed to respond.“I’m listening….”“If you’re listening, answer me. I said I’m sorry!”He shouted again, and I was so terrified I couldn’t bear to face him any longer. My lips quivered. My back was pressed so tightly against the wall that there was no space left, and Lister stood over me, gripping my chin, leaving me no way out. I had no choice but to answer.“Okay, okay… I get it, just let me go. It hurts…”I whispered in a voice barely audible even to myself.Finally, the grip on my chin loosened. But he still didn’t let go. He bent his head slightly, looking down at me.“Let go.”My voice was so faint that I could hardly hear it myself.Summoning all my courage, I pushed at the hand holding my chin. But the moment my fingers touched his, he grabbed my hand. His large hand engulfed mine completely. A gasp of fear escaped my lips. He squeezed my hand so hard it felt like it would break.“You just said you understand, right?”I nodded frantically.“So now we’ve made up, haven’t we?”He grinned, his lips curling up. His hand still held mine, and he began roughly kneading it, almost as if he were molding clay. Then, he started stroking the back of my hand.“Fine. You’re right, so… now let go of me.”I tried to pull my hand away from him, but he didn’t budge. Instead, he continued to play with my hand while smirking.“So, you’ll start attending to me again every morning, right?”At his words, I gasped and shook my head.“I can’t do that.”“Why not?”His gaze grew fierce again.“Because… I’m doing other work now….”“Ah, taking care of my nieces and nephews? That’s what the maids are for.”“You have your own servants, don’t you?”“What’s this? You’re still upset, aren’t you? How many times do I have to apologize before you’ll forgive me?”I could only shake my head, unable to answer.“You…”Just as fury and heat began to mix in Lister’s eyes, there was a loud banging on the door from outside. Lister and I both quickly turned our heads toward the sound. My heart was pounding wildly. Please, let it be help….And my wish was granted!“The princess is calling for you! Lister, are you in there? The princess urgently needs you!”A maid’s urgent voice rang out from beyond the door.Lister turned his head back toward me. His gaze lingered heavily on my face before finally dropping. His large hand, which had been gripping mine, slowly released its hold, one finger at a time.“We’ll talk later.”He warned, and I lowered my head, avoiding his gaze. Tears welled up but I held them back, grateful only for the sudden intervention that had saved me.Lister left the room. I slid down the wall, collapsing onto the floor. Cold sweat drenched my back, and my palms were sticky.It wasn’t until much later that I recalled the maid’s cry about an urgent matter.Clasping my now-cold fingers tightly, I pressed them hard against my pounding heart. What on earth could have happened that would warrant such urgency to summon Lister?I gathered my strength, forcing myself to stand on shaky knees.At that moment, a small boy who had been leaning against the entrance of the inner chamber spotted me and rolled his eyes. He was the one who usually handled the dishwashing in the kitchen. Occasionally, he would steal sausages or ham, only to get kicked by the cooks for it. After glancing around, he approached me.“I just saw the young master leave the room. So, is it true?”His eyes sparkled.He was barely ten years old. He had expressed a desire to become a knight but didn’t have the parentage to support that ambition. He was young and had only been working at Castle Karlac for about six months, so he didn’t know much about me. As a result, he acted quite friendly towards me. Sometimes, when he was overly familiar with me (which was a funny expression in itself—how many people in Castle Karlac really needed to behave ‘formally’ toward me, a slave?), the older servants would pull him away by his ear in shock. But despite this, he remained uninformed about me and had no interest in learning, so he was always warm toward me.But what was this “story” he was talking about now?“What story?”“People are saying….”He glanced around again. His young face was full of nervous excitement.“Well… this isn’t my own words. People are saying you’re going to become the young master’s lover.”“What?”I stared at him, dumbfounded.The boy shrugged mischievously.“I just heard it.”“Who’s saying that?”“A few people… not many. But there are more people saying it’s impossible. They say you already have a lover who’s madly in love with you. Is that true?”His question left me momentarily speechless.“…Who says that?”“Everyone! The head chef… even Terren, the guy who delivers the firewood. They say he knows every bit of gossip in Karlac Castle. They even say he used to have thirteen tongues, but twelve of them were cut off one by one for blabbering too much, so now he only has one left.”The boy giggled at his own joke.“Anyway, I asked him if the young master really wanted you as his lover.”Half of me wanted to shut the boy up for his nonsensical chatter, but the other half was curious about what this Terren fellow had said in response. As I stared down at him in silence, the boy puffed up with confidence and continued proudly.“He said if you were still in your original status, it’d be unthinkable. But now… who knows?”“He’s going to lose that last tongue of his soon.”When I said that, the boy laughed again.“I think so too. But… Terren also said that the young master doesn’t just want you as his lover—he’s going to marry you. Since the princess already has grown children, the young master doesn’t need to marry a woman. But isn’t that funny? No one marries a slave….”At that point, the boy’s shoulders twitched, and he cautiously watched my reaction.“Well… no one treats you like a slave anyway. And you don’t act like one….”“I am a slave, but nothing like that is going to happen with Lister.”Perhaps my voice was too cold because the boy shrank back.“You never know. Just a moment ago, the young master came out of your room….”“We were just talking.”I cut him off with a short warning, hoping he wouldn’t spread such ridiculous rumors elsewhere.“If you keep blabbing like that, it won’t be Terren who loses his tongue—it’ll be you. Be careful.”“I know.”He pouted his lips.“I won’t tell anyone else. But I was curious. Some people say your old lover was really, really scary… that nothing like this would ever happen. Who is that scary lover, anyway? No one will tell me….”I wondered if this “really, really scary lover” was meant to refer to Jiyod.Instead, I asked a different question.“Do you know what’s going on at the manor right now?”“Oh.”The boy nodded.He answered with a distant look in his eyes.“A death notice came.”“A death notice?”For a moment, my heart sank.“Whose?”“From Stravin. Must be someone important. A lot of knights in black arrived. They went straight to the princess… so maybe the Lord of Stravin has passed away? He was quite old.”“I hadn’t heard he was sick….”Stravin?At that moment, I couldn’t help but think of Jiyod, who had gone to Stravin.My heart started racing again.“Do you know anything else?”“Wouldn’t you know more than me?”The boy shrugged, and I conceded he might be right.“I see. Thanks.”I was about to pass by him, but then I stopped and turned to look at him. The boy was still leaning against the doorway, watching me. I stared at him for a moment.“Hey.”I called out to him.“Thanks for being so casual with me. To be honest, no one else here talks to me like that….”His eyes widened, and the bridge of his nose flushed pink. He fidgeted, clasping his hands together and nervously twiddling his fingers.“No, actually… my friends and I all want to talk to you. But the adults won’t let us….”His face reddened even more.“Can I talk to you again next time?”“Of course. If others won’t let you, then talk to me when no one’s around, like now. Or you can come to my room.”“Really? Is that okay?”I nodded and smiled slightly. The boy, embarrassed, lowered his flushed face.I left the annex, leaving him behind.The sky was blue. A few clouds drifted near the sun, which was positioned almost at the center of the eastern sky.The main building was silent. There was no one in the halls or corridors.I walked quietly down the hallway, dragging my left foot as I climbed the stairs. My ankle ached, so it took a long time to ascend the steps. When I finally reached the top of the stairs on the third floor, a loud shout came from inside. It was Lister’s voice.“That’s impossible!”I instinctively tensed, but I straightened my back, determined not to let even his voice intimidate me.“That man would never make such a foolish mistake! He’s an experienced knight! He’s led countless expeditions against monsters… there’s no way he’d fail in something as simple as burning down a saiksyu nest!”“Lister, calm down.”I heard Lisbeth’s soothing voice.There were not many people Lister would speak so deferentially to. As soon as I remembered the death notice from Stravin, I realized who the message was about.“It must be a plot, sister! Can you believe this?”Lister’s furious shout echoed through the third-floor corridor and ceiling.Quickly, I turned and descended the stairs again.My heart pounded.Jiyod’s voice, filled with joy about some good news, the mention of Ismion being in Stravin, the death notice from Stravin that arrived in just one day, Lister’s enraged outburst.And Jiyod’s sweet whispers, saying it was all for me….Ah.I rushed down the stairs and grabbed the handrail at the bottom, trying to catch my breath. My face felt hot, and my ankle throbbed painfully. A sharp headache began to overwhelm me.The death notice was for the prince of Stravin. He was the eldest son and heir of the lord who ruled over Stravin and Soedergran.And… he was also Jiyod’s half-brother.I stood there for a long time, frozen, until the sound of someone coming down the stairs startled me, and I quickly fled from the spot.***The headache that had started then lingered for quite some time.Regardless of my headache or madness, events progressed rapidly.Lisbeth sent Lister to attend the funeral in Stravin on her behalf. Black mourning banners were hung over Castle Karlac. Everyone wore black clothes to mourn the early death of a great noble.I, too, wore a long black outfit, and every time I looked at its dark sleeves, I was reminded of Jiyod, who must have been in Stravin, making my headaches worse.One morning, when the pain was especially intense, I ended up dropping a teacup in front of Lisbeth. Fortunately, the cup fell onto my lap, leaving me unharmed, but the hot tea spilled, giving me a slight burn on my foot.Lisbeth jumped up in shock, and when she shouted, her attendants came running. They removed my shoes and applied a cold ice pack to my burned foot.After relentlessly questioning me about what had happened, Lisbeth finally got me to admit that I had been suffering from headaches. Her face twisted in concern, and she immediately summoned a magician. It wasn’t Enric who came, but Ida. This was the first time I had seen a magician twice within a month since I had first arrived at Glenberg Manor, back when my madness was still severe. It was also the first time I had been examined so many times by a magician who wasn’t Enric.