ALL NOVEL CHAPTER 83: Bone Bikini Babes
Atlas continued his chat with the crafters. He was happy that they had taken on his crafting suggestions.
"The final project is something I'm gonna need some help with," Atlas said, looking over the group. "Does anyone here have any ability to draw or sketch? I’ve got some ideas for armor using bone, but I can’t really put it down on paper."
Randy raised his hand. "Oh, that would be me."
"Perfect," Atlas said, smiling.
"My hobby is actually drawing fantasy armor for D&D," Randy said.
"Great, then this is the perfect project for you," Atlas replied. Randy nodded enthusiastically, already imagining the designs he could bring to life.
Atlas handed over the rough ideas he had sketched. "Alright, Randy, I need you to work your magic on these. Think you can make it work?"
Randy took the papers, his eyes already sparkling with excitement. "Oh, absolutely! I’ve been drawing armor for years, especially for my D&D campaigns. I’ve got this one design with dragon scales and huge, spiked shoulder pads—”
Atlas nodded enthusiastically, cutting him off before Randy could dive too deep into the details. "That sounds awesome! The more intimidating, the better. We want to make sure these things scare the shit out of anything we face out there."
Randy grinned, clearly thrilled by Atlas's approval. "Totally! I can add some ornate detailing, maybe even some glowing runes—”
"Yeah, yeah," Atlas agreed, not paying complete attention to Randy’s fountain of words, waving a hand as if to say, ‘go wild‘. "Just make sure it's sturdy and practical too. You know, something we can actually use in a fight."
"Oh, it'll be practical," Randy assured him, though his mind was already racing with images of grand, elaborate designs. "I'll make sure it’s something that'll turn heads... and hopefully not break necks when we wear it."
Atlas clapped Randy on the shoulder. "Perfect! I knew I could count on you. Just make sure it’s done fast—we might need these sooner than later."
Randy nodded eagerly, already lost in thoughts of epic armor designs. "I’ll get right on it, Atlas. You’re gonna love what I come up with!"
‘This is gonna be great,‘ Atlas thought, confident that Randy’s enthusiasm would translate into some kick-ass gear.
After a couple of hours, Atlas headed back to check on the crafting group. “How’s it going, guys?” he asked, surveying their progress.
One of the crafters grinned and spoke up. "It was gruesome at first, but then we realized it was very Schwarzenegger. ‘After we kill you, we will sleep upon your bones,’" he said in his best Schwarzenegger accent, drawing laughter from the group. “That thought made it kind of cool and metal.”
Noi, a massage therapist back on Earth, added, "Also, that song you wrote really helped us out. We kind of sang it as a sea shanty whenever we started getting bored."
Atlas chuckled. “Great! How about you, Randy? How’s the armor design going?”
Randy looked up from his sketches with a smile. “Oh, it’s going great, sir. Here’s what I did.”
He handed over the first sketch, showing a woman wearing intricate bone armor that looked more like filigree than actual protection. It was elegant, almost ethereal.
Atlas frowned. “That’s not armor—it’s a fashion statement!” He was taken aback. ‘Maybe having a D&D artist wasn’t the best choice for designing functional armor.‘
Randy, who was tall and nerdy, looked up at Atlas, his face falling in disappointment. “Oh,” he said. “But I did a couple of backups.”
He presented the next drawing. Atlas’s eyes widened in shock. “Gah! What is this? There are literally holes where you could get stabbed right through the guts! And all those spikes—she’d get caught on everything! How were you thinking of connecting all these bits?”
“Glue, sir,” Randy responded, a little sheepishly. “That KrazyBondoglue has been amazing.”
Atlas’s expression softened. “That’s a great idea. But did you have any other backup drawings, Randy? And why are all the drawings of females? We’ve only got a few female fighters compared to how many guys we have.”
Randy rubbed the back of his neck. “Er, did I mention I’m a D&D artist? Who wants to draw dudes?”
Atlas sighed. “Fair enough. Let’s see that backup backup sketch.”
Randy handed over another drawing. Atlas studied it for a moment. “Well, this armor looks like it would weigh a ton,” he said, noting the heavy bone plating around the ribcage. It looked functional but incredibly cumbersome. “Try to use less bone while still giving some defense. Remember, this armor is just a stopgap for all of us, especially the newbies until we can afford better stuff from the vending machines.”
“Cool, will do, sir,” Randy nodded. “I’ll redesign the armor to give it more of a hockey pad kind of style. Think Batman meets Predator.”
“That sounds good,” Atlas agreed. “But no more fucking spikes.”
“Fine,” Randy said, though he thought to himself, ‘I’m still going to use the hands for boob protection for the ladies.‘
As Atlas studied Randy’s designs, he couldn’t help but recall all the fantasy books he’d read over the years. The covers always had those ridiculous, overly ornate armors that were more about looking cool than providing any real protection. ‘I should’ve known better than to put a fantasy artist in charge of functional armor design,‘ Atlas thought with a rueful grin. ‘Lesson learned.‘
Their conversation was cut short when Noi suddenly yelled out, “Atlas, we need a hand!”
Atlas instinctively unsheathed his swords and started to rush over to the bed-making station. “What’s going on, Noi?”
Noi, seeing him dashing over, was a little shocked. “Wait, wait, it’s not an emergency situation. Oh well, it is, but not one you’d need your swords for.”
Atlas slowed down, eyes narrowing as he looked around. “Then what’s the problem?”
Noi pointed toward one of the crafters, who was in a rather embarrassing predicament. The guy, who had been portaled over in nothing but his tighty-whities, had somehow managed to glue himself to a large leg bone. Atlas stifled a laugh as he watched the chubby dude flailing around, desperately trying to free himself.
The poor guy looked at Atlas, his face a mix of frustration and embarrassment. “I wasn’t paying attention for just one second,” he complained, still shaking his hand vigorously.
“Wow, Tighty,” Atlas smirked, he laughed and then unable to resist said, “Looks like you really got yourself boned there.”
The man, who Atlas had nicknamed “Tighty” in his head, frowned. “Don’t hop around. It’ll just femur of a mess.”
"My name's Titus," the man grumbled. Atlas had first seen this guy when he showed up in his tighty-whities, a sight forever burned into his mind. The nickname had also been securely stored in his mind palace.
‘Oops. Did I just call him Tighty by mistake?‘ Atlas thought, amused by his own slip-up. "Anyway, use this. I meant to hand it over earlier this morning."
Atlas handed over a small bottle labeled ‘GlueGone‘ (Two coins), he noted, reading the description. ‘We warned you that KrazyBondoGlue was a pain to get off. We hope you didn’t get it on somewhere you want to keep the skin.‘
Atlas was mildly annoyed that the ‘GlueGone‘ cost twice as much as the KrazyBondoGlue itself. He just knew that somewhere, a crazy alien capitalist was laughing his head off, knowing there was a 100% chance someone would get glue where they shouldn’t, forcing them to buy this product.
He poured some on Titus’s hand.
“Argh!” Titus yelled, his face contorting in pain as the ‘GlueGone‘ started working, literally eating away at the adhesive—and, unfortunately, a bit of skin too.
‘This is so embarrassing,‘ Titus thought, his cheeks flushing with heat as he felt everyone’s eyes on him. ‘I can’t believe I glued myself to a damn bone.‘
"Wow, it definitely works as advertised," Atlas commented dryly as Titus whimpered.
"How long did that glue take to set?" Atlas asked.
“Literally a couple of seconds,” Titus replied, still wincing.
“Hmmm,” Atlas mused as a plan began to form in his mind. “Hey, Noi, when you’re done with the beds and armor, save me at least ten of the longest leg bones.”
Noi, though confused, nodded. “Sure thing, Atlas.”
With that, Atlas gave the final instructions and then headed off in a different direction, already thinking ahead to the next spawn he wanted to hunt. It was imperative that he hunted some before the night fell.
‘‘‘‘
Randy started chatting with Titus about the armour as he tinkered around with designs. “What do you think of this?”
Titus looked up, still feeling a bit embarrassed. “Yeah, it’s pretty wild,” he said, scratching the back of his head. “Mama said you gotta be ready for anything, but I don’t think she meant buildin’ bone armor. Back on Earth, I was just a mechanic. My biggest challenge was fixin’ engines, not glueing bones together like I’m buildin’ some kinda medieval tank.”
“Exactly!” Randy said, his eyes lighting up. “And the best part? Imagining ourselves wearing this stuff! How badass is it gonna be strutting around in bone armor? You’ll look like you just stepped out of some epic fantasy!”
Titus laughed, warming up to the idea. “Yeah, I guess so. Might’ve glued myself to a bone, but at least I’m learnin’. I can already see it—Titus, the Bone Lord, scarin’ off everyone in sight!”
“Now you’re talkin’!” Randy grinned. “Imagine the looks when we show up in battle, clanking around like we’re straight out of ‘Game of Thrones.’ People’ll either run in fear or be too confused to attack!”
Titus chuckled, the sting of embarrassment finally fading. “It’s definitely better than workin’ on busted-up cars. Mama said you don’t learn much from stayin’ in your comfort zone anyway.”
“And that’s the fun part,” Randy said, leaning in closer. “We’re not just making armor—we’re crafting legends. Out here, we can be whoever we want. Warriors, heroes, even bone-clad badasses. It’s like living in a D&D campaign but for real!”
“Yeah, I never thought about it like that,” Titus said, a spark of excitement lighting up his eyes. “It’s like we’re forging our identities with this armor.”
“Exactly!” Randy beamed. “So let’s keep at it, Titus. Who knows? Maybe one day, people’ll tell stories about us—the guys who built bone armor with nothin’ but wits and a bottle of KrazyBondoGlue.”
Titus laughed, finally shaking off the last of his embarrassment. “Let’s do it, Randy. Bone Lords of the apocalypse, here we come!”
Randy was about to make a joke back when he saw something pop up in his vision.
‘‘ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED:‘‘
‘‘TITLE: BONE DADDY‘‘
‘Oh my, look at those hands covering that armor. You've done a great job protecting our squishy bits.‘
‘‘BONUS:‘‘ All armor made by you, for females, gives a slight improvement in protection through bonus mana injection.
***
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