Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

“Oh hellooo, Barck.” The short statured gnomess purred as she sidled up to the dwarf. He was in his usual spot, on the bluff near the top of the mountain. He said it offered the best views. He had created a plush leather recliner, like those used in gnomish cafes, and was lounging in it while staring up into the clouds. He looked miffed at being interrupted, but then he always looked miffed.

“What do ya want, Tiara.”

“We all felt some Godly power being used yesterday. Did you have a nice meeting with Peter?”

“Yes.” Barck was as brusque as usual, and Tiara could feel her eyebrow twitch.

“I was just checking to see if you were bored and all, with only the one Chosen to watch.”

“It’s goin’ fine.” Barck snapped a drink into existence and passed it off to Tiara. She took a sniff and drank.

“This is that new radler, right? It’s okay. Nothing compared to tea though.”

“It’s a good start. Nuts?” Barck handed over some nuts in a golden bowl. “I’m hopin’ Pete introduces some better beer snacks soon. I’m gettin’ tired o’ nuts and pickled fish.”

“Oh?” *crunch* *crunch* “Do you think he has a good chance? He’s made a move on the board, but it’s nothing close to the other Chosen.”

“Sort of, but the Sword God is making serious waves among the dragons, and stuff is getting pretty crazy in the human kingdoms too.”

“Bah. Not even someone from Murim is going to get those lazy lizards off their behinds.”

“We’ll see! How about Peter?”

“Here, I’ll pass you the frequency and you can watch.”

"What's happening?"

"Nothin'. He's just hangin' out and runnin' errands fer tha next two weeks while tha batches ferment."

"What?! Then why are we watching!?"

"Because it's entertainin'. Now shhhhhh!"

The clouds above them parted to reveal a scene happening just below in a small store in the city of Minnova.

—

“This is the place.” The dwarf in a light blue pastel jerkin said, opening the door. “After you, Pete!”

The sign on the door read: “The Bashful Beard.”

It was inhabited by several dwarves in skirts and had a line of chairs and washbasins lining the walls.

“So this is the beardy parlor you kept mentioning, Johnsson?” Pete walked into the building and looked around. It was fairly modern, by dwarven standards, in an art deco style with a lot of colour.

“It is. Isn’t it great?” Johnsson shrugged his armored jerkin onto a coat hook and took a seat by the window. “Afternoon, Tina, you’re looking fine today! Two for today, please!”

“Oh, you. Who’s yer friend, Johnsson?” The dwarfess working on a patron’s moustache waved some painted nails at them.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Let me introduce you, this is Pete!” Johnsson said

“Hi, sorry, I’m Pete.” Pete said offhandedly, as he examined Johnsson’s hanging armour. “I’m also mystified. How did you get that armour off so fast, Johnsson?”

“Well nice to meet you Pete, grab a seat by the window and I’ll be right with you.” Tina grabbed what looked like a pair of rocks on a stick and began blow drying the patron’s beard.

“It’s nice, isn’t it?” Johnsson said. “The suit only looks like armour at first glance. It’s actually padded cloth and filigree. There’s no actual protection at all, which makes it a lot easier to put on and take off. More comfortable too. Besides, who needs armour in modern society anyway?”

Pete stared at the jerkin with wide eyes. “You need to show me where you got it.”

“I’d be happy to, but your beard comes first Pete. No dwarf or dwarfess is going to be interested in you if you don’t practice proper beard care.”

“I know, I know. It was getting kind of ratty. You’re the most put-together dwarf I've met, so I figured you’d know all the best spots.”

“I do indeed. Tina is a wizard with a brush, and she’ll make you the most handsome dwarf in all of Minnova.”

“Hear, hear!” Tina called from her chair.

“I won’t let anyone else work on my beard, and I’m always trying new styles.” Johnsson flicked his beard, which was split into a three-part braid with several teal bows in it.

Eventually the two of them were called up, Johnsson with Tina, and Pete with a dwarf in clogs and a sundress named Petunia. Soon, the only sound in the shop was the snapping of scissors. And the occasional sigh of pleasure.

“Mmmmm… the scalp massage is nice.”

“Wow, this oil treatment feels so good in my beard.”

“Do you want to get matching beads, Johnsson?”

“Ahhh, keep brushing right there!”

Soon all the other dwarves in the building were chuckling.

“You sound like this is yer first time getting yer beard done.” Tina laughed.

“Um, yeah ha ha.” Pete laughed along too.

—

“Alright, let’s do this name-change thing.”

Balin, Pete, and Annie were all standing at the foot of city hall. They had taken the afternoon to finally go and get Pete’s name changed so that Aqua could file his taxes.

“Before we go in, do you have all your paperwork, Pete?”

“Yep! ID, signed statement by Grim, and.. Huh, what’s this?” Pete pulled a folded up piece of paper out of his pocket and snapped it open. “Oh, hey! It’s the poster I found in that alley at the Grand Market!”

“A poster?” Balin asked, leaning in.

“Yeah, I grabbed it because I wanted to start doing stuff like this too. I haven't seen ads or posters like this up anywhere, so I wanted to ask about it!”

“You’d better not put up 'stuff like that'. It’s defacing private property and obnoxious signage.” Annie said matter-of-factly. “City of Minnova Ordinances, Chapter 14, Section XVII, Paragraph 4. We seriously need to get you a tutor for local laws before you get us shut down.”

“It was on a public street.” I countered.

“Defacin’ public property then.” Balin put in.

“Ugh, dwarves!” Pete rolled his eyes.

“Yer a dwarf!” The two of them said in unison.

“Yeah, yeah..” Pete stood to the side to allow a pair of angry-looking dwarves access to the stairs and began to read aloud from the poster.

“The Crackian Council for Independence calls for the King and his High Lords to sign the Great Charter!

Too long have the King and High Lords ruled by fiat. We approach the decamillenial, and a chance for great change is upon us.

Do the guilds not run the cities, do the greybeards not hold our knowledge, do the barons not protect the land?

We call upon the King to protect the rights of the gentry from unfair abuses by the High Lords.

We demand that justice be assured no matter the station of the offender, as is the dwarven way!

We demand that the gold of the guilds and greybeards be left in their care, as is the dwarven way!

We demand the rights of gnomes not be curtailed, let them be free, as is the dwarven way!

Come to the Decamillenial and join us as we march upon the Castle to entreat the King!

Signed,

Thad Harmsson”

“Psh, revolutionary drivel,” Balin grumbled.

“I don’t know Balin.” Annie said. “If there was better justice, then maybe the [Judges] would be going after real criminals instead of putting people like you and Pete in jail.”

“I suppose.” Balin stroked his now completely restored handlebar moustache. “But then I wouldn’t have met you.”

“Gods forbid.” Annie fluttered her eyelashes at him.

“Ugh, get a room you two.” Pete groaned. “Annie, by real criminals, do you mean recalcitrant gnomish purveyors of shoddy green vegetables?”

“Yes.”

“Heh. Hey, why does it say the rights of gnomes are curtailed?” Pete asked, pointing at the paragraph in question. “It doesn’t look that way at all.”

“Most of it is traditional dwarven stations.” Annie said. “Gnomes cannot become greybeards, they cannot become brewers or recordkeepers, and they cannot join City Hall.” She waved her hand to indicate the building beside them. “They also struggle with purchasing land in traditionally dwarven held enclaves.”

“Well that’s awful.”

Balin shrugged. “That’s the way it’s always been. I can agree with ya there, tha gnomes have been our staunchest allies ferever.”

“The gnomes agreed to those limitations in return for free travel and taxation benefits within the dwarven kingdoms. It made a lot of sense at the time, but those laws are a bit out of date now.” Annie put in.

“You know Annie, I’ve noticed you seem to know a lot and your accent is different. Is it a schooling thing?” Pete asked, curiously.

Annie nodded, “I went to the Archis Academy for Magic when I was younger. A lot of wealthy and well-to-do families put their children through there.”

“You learned magic!?”

“Yes and no.” Annie shrugged. “It’s mostly like any other school, just more advanced and with better connections. You learn magic in the higher years. Aqua and Johnsson went there too, though Johnsson quit before I did.”

“Why did you all quit?”

“Who wants to spend the next hundred years in school? Now let’s go get a number so we can get your name changed, Mr. Samson.”

—

“And the BOULDER keeps rolling!” The announcer cried. “DOES HE EVER STOP!?!”

“Here’s yer nuts, Pete.” The cheerful eyes of Brock peered out from his enormous bushy beard. He was wearing some black spiked armour with a lot of angry white lettering on it, much like the rest of the horde. The accompanying goggles were nearly a necessity to keep from losing an eye.

A dwarf with a short black goatee and no moustache, wearing nothing but green shorts, climbed up onto the ropes of the arena. He began yelling down at another dwarf in yellow spandex with a black full plate helmet and a horshoe moustache.

“Tha BOULDER thinks that this vermin isn’t dwarf enough to compete in the ring! Send Tha BOULDER a real challenge!”

“Woah!” The announcer cried as the crowd booed and jeered in turn. “The Boulder has thrown down a SUPER EFFECTIVE challenge to Electrorat! Will he take that, or is he too weak to face off against his NEMESIS after their last bout!?”

“Hah! This is great!” Pete exclaimed around a mouth of nuts while the yellow spandexed figure hunched down and began to glimmer with electricity. “Is that a Blessing? This makes for an awesome show!”

“No, Electrorat has some special enchantments on his armour that make that effect. He does use some aether magic too though.” Brock sat down beside Pete and passed him a drink. “Here you go, half empty like you asked. Why?”

“I have something I like to add.” Pete pulled a flask out and poured its contents into the beer. The faint scent of lemons washed out from it.

Brock leaned to look closer. “Is that some of that ‘radler’ I ‘eard about back at the mine?”

“Yep. OOOH!!! GO BOULDER! MAKE THAT RAT ROADKILL!!!” Pete stood up with the rest of the crowd and roared as The Boulder did an elbow slam off the ropes onto Electrorat’s head. His elbow ‘pinged’ on the yellow plate helmet and he cried out in pain.

“The BOULDER is in agony!!!”

Brock took a swig of his beer and grumbled. “This is nothing. I wish you could have seen Tombstone’s last match.”

“Now that I need to see. Tombstone is my favourite wrestler.” Pete grinned.

“You ‘ave good taste, sir!” The next few moments were a madhouse of heavy bagpipe music, flames, thunderbolts, and a lot of screaming between two half-naked dwarves.

“Speaking of Tombstones, how are things at the dungeon?” Pete asked while the announcer began the countdown for Boulder, who was currently twitching on the ground as electricity coursed through him.

“May not be a monster stampede. Scouts think there may ‘ave been a change in the boss of the dungeon, and so the territories are bein’ swapped around. A lot of the weaker monsters are gettin’ pushed to the outer edge.”

“Oof, sounds rough. GO BOULDER! DON’T GATHER MOSS YOU BLOCKHEAD!”

“Not too bad. It’s an opportunity fer younger adventuring parties to get some fightin’ close to tha edge where it’s safest. ELECTRORAT! GIVE HIM A GOOD OLD WAVE O’ THUNDER!”

Boulder stood up at the last second and then stumbled around the ring. Electrorat came up behind him and attempted to deliver a massive suplex, but The Boulder grabbed onto Electrorat’s helm with his thighs, and flipped him to the ground instead. The crowd roared their approval.

“How’s Balin doin'?” Brock asked as the fight devolved to some basic punches and kicks.

“He’s crazy busy right now. Why do you ask?”

“Tha’ boys at the guard station wanted to know. Some o’ their kids are lookin’ to get into this new wave of adventurers and they need a good defender. Balin’s name came up.”

“I know he was thinkin’ about it. I’ll pass on the message, but I honestly doubt it.”

“That’s all I can really ask fer. Thanks Pete.”

“No problem. GO BOULDER! GIVE HIM A GROUND POUND!”

—

“This is barbaric.” Tiara complained, her mouth full of tea and pastry.

“Yer still here, aren’t ya?” Barck remarked, grinning.

“I admit it is somewhat interesting.”

“Hey, what are you two watching?” A beastfolk appeared beside them with a *crack* of air.

“Shhhh!!! The next episode of ‘Petey First Dates’ is on!” Tiana hushed.

“Well, if Tiara thinks it’s interesting, I want in too. What’s the frequency?” The leather lounger increased in size as he sat down, grabbed a beer, and settled in to watch.

“Hopefully this series won't get canceled like all the best ones always are.” He remarked.

“SHHHHHH!!!!!”