Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

Two dwarves sat in a restaurant, their table piled high with food. They took a few bites from each dish in turn, and then discussed.

*crunch* *crunch* “Too salty.”

“I like this one, Bran.”

“Too sweet, try this.”

“Ugh, what is it?”

“Grilled cuttereel wi’ a balsamic glaze.”

“It’s foul.”

“Can’t really disagree, Pete. Try tha beer-braised roast goat and mushroom sauce.”

*munch* *chew* “Mmm… now this I can get behind. It melts in my mouth. The roast goat has a strong flavour that threatens to be a bit too gamey, but the mellow notes of the mushroom sauce counteract it perfectly. Combine that with this roasted erdroot and it almost makes me like erdroot. Shame about the shitty aftertaste of the be - *cough* - Anyway, add it to the list?”

There was a scratching of pencil on paper as Bran wrote something onto a notepad. “Aye. Needs some onions though.”

“Oooh! Maybe some shallots?”

“What’s a shallot?”

“Sigh. More like shalnots, then. Are there any fish plates?”

“Just tha cuttereel.”

“Hmmm… is it because of a lack of fishes or a lack of dishes?”

“Only a few kinds o’ fish in tha dungeon and only cavetrout in tha lakes around Minnova.” Bran shrugged. “Ya get bored of tha’ same grilled fish after a few decades.”

"Then we won't grill it. Add ‘beer battered fish and chips’ to the menu. I’ll teach it to you later.” *burp*

“Hmmm... We got a good mix here.” Bran leafed through the notepad. “A lot more than most pubs. What did you call this again?”

“We’re doin’ market research. I want to know what tha most popular dishes are in Minnova, so we have a guaranteed hit on opening night. Coupled with some of my recipe ideas and a little word of mouth, we should be full on day one.”

“Here’s hopin’.” Bran nodded. “Maybe my new Blessin’ will help with that.”

“How does it work?”

“[Artisan’s Luck]. It says that I make a bit o’ my own luck so long as I’m workin’ hard.”

“That’s… amazing? But seriously, how does it work?”

“Dunno? I think it means that the harder I work, the luckier I get. So if I work hard on these dishes, we might get lucky fer openin night.”

“That is amazing! Is there anythin’ else you need?”

“I want ta go to tha place just around the corner. They make a really mean goatherd pie.”

“Sounds tasty.”

“It is. Ground goat with steamed vegetables like killer corn and peashooter pods. Topped with mashed Erdroot an’ mixed with a ton of salty butter and garlic.”

“Mmmmm.”

“Mmmmm.”

The pair rubbed their stomachs and leaned back to enjoy the feeling of a full belly.

“Excuse me…” A well dressed-dwarf in a button-up blazer approached their table. “May I ask what you are doing? Are you two actually planning to eat all this? I must ask that you pay now before any other food is brought to your table.”

“Um…” Pete took in the massive pile of food. “Can we get this to go?”

—

“Do you know why I invited you into my office, Pete?”

“I’m guessing it has something to do with Annie moving a bunch of boxes around?”

“Shovit.” Annie said, as she lugged a box filled with papers. Pete held the door open and waved her by. She grunted some thanks as she passed.

Jeremiah Goldstone waited until the door swung closed.

“You’re somewhat right. I actually invited you here to invite you somewhere else.”

“Okay?”

“We’re leaving.” Jeremiah swung open the door and headed out.

“Okaaay?” Pete ran after. “Where are we goin’ Mr. Goldstone?”

“The Blasted Oak.”

—

“It’s hard, havin’ a child.” Jeremiah lamented, his nose deep in a mug. A couple more mugs lay empty on the table beside him. His voice slurred as he spoke, and his accent was closer to Crack standard than usual. “Even when ya know she’s smart as a whip and can knock most other dwarves out, all ya’ can see is yer little darlin’ callin’ ‘daddy’.”

“I knooooow.” Pete wept, tears streaming down his face. Nearly twice as many mugs lay beside him. He wasn’t quite drunk, but his eyes were clouded with nostalgia and freshly healed pain. “They grow up so fast!”

Jeremiah pulled out a locket and snapped it open. He gazed down at it tenderly, and wiped at it with one trembling finger. “And after her mother died…. my darlin’ Lazuli. She’s all I got left. That and my brewery.”

The two shared a look for a moment. Two fathers that shared a love of brewing, each feeling the hurt that came with losing the love of their lives.

“And yerrrr tryin’ ta take both of those from me.” Jeremiah finished, his tears turning into a scowl.

“What!?” Pete cried, nearly tumbling off of his chair at the sudden change in topic. “Thas’ not true, Jeremiah! I love the Goat, and Annie, and my Balin is perfect fer her! He’s too honest to a fault, straightforward, and absolutely dedicated to his family. Yer lucky to have him fer a suitor! At least y-y–you get to see yer little girl get married!” Fresh tears poured down Pete’s cheeks.

“I thought ya didn’t 'member much? Weren’t you a-a-a drifter?” Jeremiah asked, curiously.

Pete blew his nose into his beard and then stared at it, aghast. “I-I was a father. Balin and Annie know. I can’t talk about it… I… I lost her.”

“Gods. Gods. I’m sssorry.”

“It’s fine. I’m in a good place now, and yer daughter has made that possible. She’s a bright dwarf, and I think she has a powerful future. Barck’s Beard, she’s probably one o’ tha - one o' tha most beloved souls in all o’ Minnova.” Pete’s voice fell to a whisper. “I should know…”

“Aye. And that part's the part of what I wanted ter talk about.” Jeremiah’s tone grew more plaintive, as the dam that held back his emotions broke apart. “This brewpub of yers… It’s too huge, er, big a change fer me. I was gettin’ ready to retire a couple years back, thinkin’ of leavin’ the brewery to Annie. But she waz too headssstrong, too quick ta act without thinkin’ things through.” He smiled sourly. “Juzt like - 'er father.”

“She’s not like that anymore.” Pete put in.

“Shaddup, I’m gettin’ there. When that tank blew - KABLOOEY - I thought it destroyed her heart as well as that-that-that Godsdamn wall.” He looked above Pete’s head, far off into a distance only he could see. “She came home from that mine still shaky and unsure of ‘erself but fer one thing. She loved a dwarf named Balin and s-s-she was goin’ to save her brewery. She were goin’ ter make a place fer him to come home to. You two helped her find herself again, and I thank you, wanted ta thank you fer that. Thanks.”

“They're good fer each other.” Pete nodded. “Balin needs someone who’s a bit more worldly.”

“Annie needs someone that thinks, but is ssstill a fighter.” Jeremiah nodded. “They're a good match. But then there’s you.” Jeremiah leaned across the table. “Full of new ideas, and pushin’ her to make rash decisions again.”

“I didn’t push her into that gamble!”

“You were the one that instigated it!”

“I only bet my own money! I didn't even tell her about it!”

“I KNOW.” Jeremiah roared, and ducked as an oaken barrel smashed over his head. The dwarf behind the bar, a green haired giant even taller than Jeremiah, waved a fist menacingly. Jeremiah dropped his voice. “I know. I also know yer takin’ things slow. I heard from my buddies about yer radler, and how you’ve decided to improve on the brew.”

“Because I think Annie’s right.”

“I… I do too. But I’m too old. Too afraid of change.” Jeremiah’s usually grim face turned dour. “I can’t do it Pete, so I’m lettin’ her run the brewpub, and make tha next few batches. I’m not going to step down, but I’m going to step back.”

“You mean-” Pete’s voice bubbled with excitement.

“Aye, I’m going to let you two loose. As long as you can promise no explosions.”

“When have I ever caused explosions!?” Pete laughed cheerfully, then noticed Jeremiah’s glare. “When have I ever caused explosions accidentally?”

—

The two blonde dwarves siddled into line. A sea of pink swayed and bobbed around them with nervous excitement. A pair of massive pink posters framed the double doors to the concert hall and proclaimed “Raspberrysyrup On Tour”. The mood was infectious, and more than one gnome or dwarf hollered with joy.

“Why are we in disguises?” Pete asked, scratching at his yellow hair. “This itches.”

“Shhhhh!” Aqua hushed. “Don’t scratch at that, you’ll knock it off!” She adjusted Pete’s pink collar and brushed at his bangs. “Perfect, I can’t tell it’s you at all.”

“Aye, and I can’t tell if there’s even a dwarf under all that pink makeup…” Pete poked Aqua’s nose with a finger, and she giggled.

“Well, after the casino incident, you and I are public enemy number one and two.” Aqua pointed at the ticket booth. A drawing depicting two dwarves, one blue-haired and one brown-haired, could be seen behind the ticketing agent. Large point font at the top of the drawing stated: “NO ENTRY”.

“What!?” Pete hissed. “You stole all their signs. What did I do??”

“Are you kidding? You stuffed your butter in her mouth!”

“SHHHH!!!” Pete clamped his hand over Aqua’s mouth. “It sounds so dirty when you put it that way!”

“Says tha man in love with a goat!” Aqua’s voice was muffled. She bit Pete’s finger and he yanked his hand back.

“Owch! I’m not in love with Penelope! No matter how cute her beard is.”

“Sure, sure.”

“Why did you even want to come?” Pete asked, nursing his munched digit.

“I was curious…” Aqua craned her neck around the sea of pink. “And this is new! I love new! You love new! So I figured we could check out this new thing together!”

“I do love new.” Pete’s smile widened. “I also love concerts, so let’s do this!”

The pair made it through the ticketing booth uneventfully, and found their seats near the rear middle of the auditorium. Like most dwarven architecture, the space was buried into the stone, with the ceiling sitting just above ground level. The rows of seats were inset with bright pink and white solstones, and some of the audience had sticks that glittered with light. The hubbub was immense, and Pete had to put his head together with Aqua’s to be heard.

“This looks like a rave!”

“A what?”

“A… type of concert I went to!”

Aqua’s eyes narrowed. “Yer so darn shifty!”

“That’s me!”

“I’ll figure you out eventually, you know!”

“Good luck!”

Eventually the lights went off, and the crowd grew silent. Then, there was an explosion.

A series of pink and white smoke bombs went off with a roar, and sparks flew from the edge of the stage. A spotlight snapped onto a young gnomess in a skin-tight sequin skirt and halter top. A heavy bass beat shook the stands while an electric guitar began to whine. The crowd screamed and Rasberrysyrup nodded to the beat. Then she opened her mouth and shouted,

“LET’S GET THE PARTY STARTED!!!”

Pete’s jaw dropped and he rubbed his ears. Aqua jumped up and down and roared with the rest of the crowd, then noticed his shocked silence.

“THIS IS GREAT!” She shouted.

Pete turned wide eyes her way. “YOU HAVE NO IDEA! I’VE ALWAYS LOVED THIS SONG!”

“I THOUGHT YOU’VE NEVER LISTENED TO HER MUSIC!?”

“NOPE!”

“HOW CAN THOSE BOTH BE TRUE?!”

“YOU’LL FIGURE IT OUT! ISN’T PINK AWESOME!?” Pete pumped his fist with the rest of the pink festooned crowd, then said more quietly. “Found you.”

Soon he and Aqua were surfing in the mosh pit.

—

Barck glared at the collection of high quality furniture that now dotted the bluff.

“Where are y’all comin’ from?” He grumbled.

Lunara pointed at the lounge-chair floating above them. “I was actually looking for Archis.”

“We all live here too, you know.” Aaron put in.

“At least Yearn hasn’t found us yet.” Tiara added.

There was a murmur of general agreement.