Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

“Steady.” I muttered.

“I don’t think I can do this, Pete!”

“Steady, Aqua!”

“Bran, are you ready?”

“Aye, Annie!”

“Steaaadddyyy!”

“Annie, I don’t want to be a waitress!”

“It’s just until we can hire someone, Aqua!”

“STEAAADDYY!”

The doors swung open, and the storm descended.

“Welcome to the official grand opening of the Thirsty Goat Brewpub! Come on in!” I said with a beaming smile.

The massive crowd bustled up to a stand that said ‘please wait here to be seated’ and Aqua and I were soon busy taking dwarves to their tables. That, and dodging a barrage of questions.

“Do you know Whistlemop!?”

“Will there be limited edition Whistlemugs for sale here?”

“Congratulations on placing in the top ten!”

“Is Rumbob here?”

“What did it feel like when ya fed Raspi yer butter?

I deftly dodged and redirected most conversations towards how delicious our food was.

“Why yes, I do know him. He finds our food delicious.”

“No special editions here, you’ll need to wait for next time. Try some nuts while you wait!”

“Thank you!”

“Rumbob is right over there! Eating our yummy food.”

“No comment on my butter.”

The room was soon full of bustling chatty dwarves. Every once in a while, a booming *ho ho ho* came from a corner where Tania and Rumbob, second and first place respectively, were set up. They had a private booth to write autographs on people’s Whistlemugs, and provide that celebrity ‘je ne sais quoi’.

We were worried about repercussions from our relationship with the pro-drinking crowd, but it looked like we were free and clear. That, or Balin acting as a bouncer at the front door in his golden armour was keeping any troublemakers away.

All in all, the grand opening was going swimmingly.

The final menu that I designed with Bran was the epitome of pub fare.

THIRSTY GOAT MENU

Snacks

Pretzel - A length of dough twisted into an iconic shape and lightly dusted with salt crystals.

Doughy, crusty, fresh baked goodness. Comes with house mustard.

Crisps- Round, thinly sliced erdroot, deep fried in oil and seasoned with our secret spices.

Crispy, crunchy delights that go great with beer.

Truffle-Fries - Thick strips of erdroot deep fried in oil and dusted with salt and truffles.

Greasy goodness. Comes with house tomato sauce. Added cheese is extra.

Honey Roasted Nuts - Greentree nuts roasted with honey and hot pepper.

A sweet and spicy spin on a Minnova classic.

Stuffed Mushrooms - Minnova mushrooms roasted and filled with melted goat cheese.

A deliciously gooey new take on your favourite fungus.

Food

Beer Battered Fish and Fries - Cave-trout fried in our special beer batter with a plate of fries.

A crispy twist on a flaky favourite. Comes with vinegar for the fries.

Beer Braised Roast Goat - 32-hour Beer Braised Goat with a creamy mushroom sauce.

A savory feast for the refined palate. Comes with roasted veggies and whipped Erdroot.

Goatherd Pie - Steamed goat and vegetables with a baked layer of whipped Erdroot.

Moist and nutritious, filling and delicious. Comes with a helping of butter.

Goat-crisps and Cheese - A heap of chips baked with goat, mushrooms, and melted cheese.

A crowd pleaser that’s crispy, cheesy, and meaty. Comes with a side of diced tomatoes.

Chicken-things - A tub of honeyed chicken legs breaded and baked. Pick lemon or garlic.

Fall off the bone goodness with a sweet taste. Comes with a side of cream sauce.

BEER

True Brew - A dwarven tradition made on site. Beer never tastes better than when it’s fresh.

I grumbled a bit as I read over the menu. Annie had forced me to change a lot of the names, declaring the earth names to be ‘daft nonsense’. Namely…

‘Why chips if they aren’t chippy? If they’re supposed to be crispy, call them crisps!’

‘I like fries. Simple and to the point; how refreshing.’

‘Pretzel is an odd, twisty name for an odd, twisty snack. Fine, you can keep it.’

‘Why are the chips in ‘Fish and Chips’ actually fries? Chips should be crisps and fries should be fries!’

‘I’ve never heard of a nacho, and I swear to the Gods if you sing that you're ‘notch-my man’ one more time I will ask Balin to murder you.’

‘I figured out why Earth had so many alcohols! It’s because they needed to be constantly drunk in order to endure their existence. There is no other explanation for this idiocy. Yearn’s Yams, give me patience, while you explain to me again why the chicken wings look like chicken legs.’

And so on and so forth.

Annie and I also discussed adding radler to the menu. I… thought about Tim and advised dropping the subject. Baby steps, baby steps.

—

After the initial rush, I moved into the kitchen with Bran while Annie went to help Johnsson do the dishes. Bran was pure poetry in motion, dashing between stove and fryer and oven. He sliced erdroot with wild abandon and was a master at that fast-chop thing.

He put me on deep-fryer duty since that was pretty hard to get wrong. Heck, I’d taught him how to do it! He went absolutely wild over the deep fryer when I showed him how it worked. I was surprised to learn deep-frying was new to Minnova, and I was pretty sure truffle-fries and chips were going to take the salt and mushroom loving dwarves by storm.

At one point Bran and I both turned at the same time and bumped into each other. Two dishes flew into the air, and we somehow grabbed them before they fell to the floor; the food completely intact. We nervously laughed and thanked Bran’s [Artisan Luck] before moving on.

Things progressed quite well as the evening wore on. The pretzels were a massive hit, and people seemed to prefer the chi - *sigh* - crisps to the fries. That was fine, since we made the crisps ahead of time and plating them was a lot easier. We might eventually set a plate of them for free at every table; some finger food to get people talking and thirsty for more beer.

Annie had banned me from using the word finger-food.

I was humming MJ’s ‘Beat It’ while I chopped carrots when I saw a familiar face walk through the door with two hooded figures behind him.

Prophet Barnes… we meet again. I moved to intercept Aqua before she brought their menus. My chief weapon would be surprise!

—

“This place is certainly interesting.” The cloaked dwarf removed his hood to look around the bustling brewpub. His long white beard was practically a mane, as it met with his head in a near perfect circle of long, straight white hair. His moustache-less face was etched with time and stress. He had a bearing that spoke of one used to command, as he loomed over the other dwarves in the room in both height and presence. “The decor is rather unique.”

“It certainly is, Joshua.” Prophet Barnes said with a wide grin. “But that isn’t what’s special about it.”

*Ge-he-he!* The maned dwarf guffawed. “Leave it to my brother to present me with a fascinating little puzzle the day before we leave! Is it the menu that makes this place special? I gave it a read out front, and I really want to try that truffle-fries thing! There was another one on there that caught my attention too. Chicken-wings?”

“Chicken-things.” Barnes said. “And that’s still not the right reason.”

“Was it that gaudily armoured bouncer?”

“Terrible guesses, as usual. You’ll see soon enough. Can you guess, my dear?”

The cloaked figure looked around the pub. “I may, but I’d rather not. Did you really need to choose this place, uncle?”

“Oh yes. I heard about it when I was grabbing your Whistlemug, dear brother.”

“That Whistlemug is a fabulous bit of workmanship! Just the kind of innovation that helps our proud country thrive! I’m going to see about passing it on to… you know.” He gave a not-so-subtle wink.

“Well, how fortuitous for Whistlemop.” Barnes drawled.

“Yes, I suspect-” Joshua broke off. “What are you looking for, Mal?”

“Just… a friend.” The cloaked figure said nervously.

“Oh really?” Joshua leaned forward on the table. “And who might this friend be? Someone I know? We may be here incognito, but I could always throw some weight around and demand to speak with the owner.”

“No! Don’t you dare, grandfather! Besides, I don’t see them.”

“Fine, fine. Can you give me a hint, brother?”

“Not even a little one. You’ll need to figure it out on your own.”

“Bah. Well, here comes the waiter. You there! Menus!”

—

I made my way stealthily towards the table, but the massive dwarf with a pretty impressive coiffure managed to spot me.

“You there! Menus!”

I straightened up and approached the table. It wasn’t like I planned to actually bonk the [Prophet] or anything, but a stealthy ‘Can I help You’ that made everyone jump would have been nice payback.

“Hello, and welcome to the Thirsty Goat Brewpub! I’m Pete and I’ll be your waiter for today.”

I handed out some menus and looked around the table. There was Prophet Barnes, the regal looking guy, and one cloaked figure who hadn’t gotten the message that indoor hoods were so last millenia.

“My goodness!” I continued, sweetly. “Is that you, Prophet Barnes? I didn’t recognize you without your robes of office!”

Barnes chuckled. “I have a forgettable face.”

“I do have to apologize, the last time we met I simply droppedoff the face of Erd before we got a chance to really say goodbye.”

“Oh, not a problem. No need to make a mountain out of a molehill.”

“Oh but I must insist! Let me cover your meal tonight. It would be the pinnacle of rudeness if I didn’t pay you back somehow.”

“No need, no need.” Barnes waved a quavering hand. “Though the braised goat looks interesting, and I can’t wait to just try it.”

We both smiled, with our teeth. The dwarf beside him looked back and forth between the two of us in confusion.

“Barnes, do you know this lad?”

“Indeed, Joshua. We had a fascinating encounter just the other day. I can’t help but think we’ll keep running into each other. It must be fate, coming to his restaurant.”

I paused at that. I had a recent interest in the concept of fate, and Barnes was likely a wellspring of information. I wanted to keep a low profile, but Barnes had to have an inkling of my status. I didn’t want him to know I was a ‘Chosen’ or anything like that, but I was obviously involved with the Gods. I might be able to turn this encounter my way if I played my cards right. Besides, I wasn’t going to hold an actual grudge over a good prank.

I pitched my voice a little more cordial. “Yes, I’m quite happy we bumped into each other, [Prophet]. I was in need of some spiritual guidance, and you may be able to help me.”

“Oh?” With the ease of long habit, Barnes switched gears into an officious persona. “I’d be pleased to offer you my aid in the ways of the Gods, my child. If your spirit requires guidance you need but ask.” He put up that wonky hand sign, and I did my best to copy him.

The cloaked figure coughed, or choked, and I re-focused my attention.

“I’ll have to leave the pleasantries for later. Would you like a drink while you read the menu?”

“Yes! Bring me three tankards!” The dwarf named Joshua pounded his fist on the table, which bounced; his strength must be massive! Up close he was nearly as big as Jeremiah!

“I’ll just have one.” Barnes said.

“I’ll have one too.” The cloaked figure said with a slightly muffled voice.

“I’ll be right back to take your orders.” I went to fetch their drinks.

—

I returned to find them in a heated debate.

“It’s the kitchen!”

“No.”

“Grr… the location!”

“Wrong again.”

I walked up with the drinks. “Here are your -”

Joshua pointed vehemently at me. “It’s him!”

Barnes chuckled. “I’m not going to tell you brother, so stop trying to get the answer out of me. Now stop that, it’s rude to point. ”

“You’re the only dwarf that dares to correct me.” Joshua growled.

“Excepting her Grace.”

Joshua coughed. “Well, of course.”

I raised an eyebrow, wondering what they were on about. “Here are your drinks?”

There was a series of gruff ‘thank you’s as I passed the drinks around the table.

“So… Prophet Barnes, are you going to introduce your companions?” I asked.

The big guy nodded at me. “I’m Du- *cough* Joshua, Barne’s brother. It’s nice to meet you, Pete. The oddly nervous one over there is my granddaughter, Tourmaline. Honestly, Mal, why are you still wearing that silly cloak!?”

My eyes swiveled over like turrets as the cloaked figure lowered her hood. A river of white-gold ringlets spilled out and I met a pair of umber eyes. She had soft features and a pair of sweeping silver eyebrows. Her voice was gruff, and oddly familiar as she spoke.

“Hello, I’m Tourmaline. Nice to meet you, Peter.”