D Minus

“Still, this probably isn’t love.”“If you say so, then it must be. You’re smart.”Though Jonghwa seemed dissatisfied and unconvinced, Hajin turned away without answering further. It was too painful to continue.It shouldn’t be love. Even if it felt vaguely like it, it shouldn’t be accepted as love. The remaining time was too short, and love approaching someone dying day by day could never be sweet.＊＊＊“Let’s go to the beach the day after tomorrow. I have something to do tomorrow.”“What do you have to do?”“I have something I need to take care of.”Now that he thought about it, Jonghwa hadn’t been going out much lately. Hajin recalled the day Jonghwa had come back stabbed and talked about running away from his oldest brother. Lying in bed and staring at the dark ceiling, Hajin asked Jonghwa, who was lying on a blanket on the floor.“What do you do now?”“I have something.”“Let’s not be petty between special people.”“Man, what the heck…”Laughter broke out in the darkness. Following suit, Hajin smiled silently. When he asked again, “So, what is it?” Jonghwa told him to go to sleep. Hajin had no intention of giving up. Revealing secrets to someone who would soon die shouldn’t be too difficult. Turning towards Jonghwa, Hajin asked playfully.“Are you doing manual labor?”“No.”“Then what? Are you really not a gangster?”“I told you, I’m not.”“Hmm… No matter how I look at it, you look like one.”Now he joked comfortably. At first, Hajin really thought Jonghwa might be a gangster, but the more he got to know him, the more certain he was that he wasn’t. The once unfamiliar pure smile, the blush on his cheeks when embarrassed, and his light brown eyes had become familiar. Hajin, resting his head on his arm, smiled faintly.“Then what is it?”“…”“If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine. But if it’s something hard to say, I hope you tell me.”“…”“You know the concept of a bamboo forest? I’ll be that for you. If you tell me, I’ll carry it with me when I go. I’ll take your burdens with me. Because we’re special people.”Hajin’s eyes crinkled gently. From below, a faint laugh was heard. It was a little late, but now it was Jonghwa’s turn to talk.“…I don’t know how you’ll take this, but to me, my oldest brother was a good person.”Jonghwa spoke calmly, covering his eyes with his arm. This was unlike his usual impatient and rude demeanor. Hajin lay there, listening silently. He knew the person Jonghwa referred to as “big brother” wasn’t a good person, but he didn’t want to interrupt him now.“Still, the only person who looked after me was my brother. He gave me food, money, and took care of me when I was hurt. He called me his shadow and said if I was going to live like that, I should live as his shadow. I agreed. As long as I did what he said, even though I wasn’t registered at birth, I managed to live somehow.”A shadow. Not a shadow he owned, but one that lingered at someone else’s feet. That was Jonghwa’s life.“You might be right; I might be a gangster. No, I am. My brother was a gangster. I just stayed home watching TV until he called me out. Every time I went out, I’d get beaten or stabbed… stuff like that, damn.”“Cleaning up, or something?”“Something like that.”“How is that a good person? He used you as a shield.”“Shield or not, as long as he fed and housed me, it was fine.”“Ha…”“One day, I got stabbed in the thigh with a sashimi knife, right here, in the back.”Jonghwa moved in the dark to show his right thigh. Though nothing was visible, Hajin nodded as if he could see it. He didn’t need to see to know what kind of scar it was.“Man, the knife went through my thigh. That can happen.”Jonghwa, his eyes sparkling, looked like a child explaining a cartoon plot. Hajin, at a loss for words, could only gasp and sigh repeatedly. Meanwhile, Jonghwa continued his story.“It was raining like crazy that day. I thought I was going to die, so I crawled away. I found this huge trash bin and hid there. Damn, it was humiliating.”“…”“But it turned out to be a food waste bin. Damn, the smell… I’d never smelled anything like it.”“…”Just hearing it painted a vivid picture in Hajin’s mind. On a stormy day, Jonghwa, clutching his bleeding thigh, desperately crawled away. Hiding in a food waste bin, trembling with fear.“The funniest part is, I fell asleep there. Damn, I thought I’d bleed out and die, but I didn’t. Then I crawled back home. I couldn’t walk. That day, for the first time in my life, I cried like hell. Crawling up the stairs like a zombie, I finally got home. When I opened the door, my brother said…”In the darkness and silence, Hajin’s swallow echoed faintly. Jonghwa chuckled.“‘Why are you so late?’ Damn, and then…”“…”“He told me to go back out and wash off in the rain because I smelled. Damn…”Jonghwa laughed emptily, and Hajin, unable to find the words, just blinked. He began to regret asking.“Still, I didn’t hate our big brother.”“Because he fed and housed us?”“…Yeah.”Jonghwa, who had his words cut off, answered a beat late. Hajin let out a slow sigh, careful not to let Jonghwa notice. He thought maybe Jonghwa’s life was more pitiful than his own, diagnosed with a terminal illness just past thirty. Jonghwa, crossing his arms behind his head, continued speaking calmly.“I shouldn’t have betrayed our big brother.”“….”“But I did. I’m not even human.”“He’s not human either.”The words he’d been rolling around on his tongue came out impulsively. There was no bigger fool than someone like Jonghwa, who still defended the person who had used him as a shield and pushed him into danger multiple times. It was so frustrating that tears welled up in his eyes. Hajin pressed his clogged nose with the back of his hand, holding back the rising anger.“Hey. Have you heard of Seojun-ri on the road from Gyeonggi to Gangwon?”“…Seojun-ri? No.”“They buy and sell people there. Damn it, just like objects.”Jonghwa’s voice, seemingly agitated, grew faster. Hajin’s eyes, adjusting to the darkness, widened.“Human trafficking?”“Such… a fancy word.”“What’s so fancy about it? Buying and selling people is human trafficking.”“Anyway. There are many men and women sold there because of debt. They drug them, rape them, beat them, and if they try to escape, they cut off their limbs. If they try again, they just kill them. Beat them to death with a stick.”“….”Hajin’s mouth dropped open. The story he was following suddenly took a terrifying turn. Jonghwa, who had been pounding his chest as if suffocating, got up with a big sigh and leaned against the wall. Hajin slowly followed and sat up as well.“If our big brother told me to die, I could do it, but not that.”“….”“That’s not right. It isn’t.”“…Yeah.”Hajin managed to respond, feeling like Jonghwa’s desperate voice was pleading for an answer.“So I betrayed him. If our big brother finds me, he might burn me alive.”“….”“Soon, you’ll see it on the news. The place got raided.”In the dark, Hajin could see Jonghwa’s wide grin. Hajin, hugging his knees, covered his pounding heart with his palms. He couldn’t name the feeling he had right now. Was it fear, surprise, pity, or…?“Since I betrayed him too, I can’t complain if our big brother kills me.”“How does that make sense? Who is he to kill you?”“Because I betrayed him.”“What betrayal? He used you from the beginning. Didn’t I tell you? Just because he fed and housed you doesn’t make him a good person. How can you be so simple-minded? Is it okay to die just because he gave you food and money?”Hajin’s voice grew louder. His voice, shaking with agitation, was filled with anger. Jonghwa, looking slightly surprised, raised his eyebrows and then burst into laughter. The laughter, which usually felt refreshing, sounded a bit sad today.“It’s because I didn’t learn.”“I’ll teach you.”“You’ve already taught me. I can read now.”“Not just reading. Other things.”“What else is there to learn besides reading? I learned how to hold a pen and chopsticks.”Jonghwa’s upturned lips showed no sign of coming down. Talking about such things with a smile, Hajin glared at him with swollen eyes.“As long as I’m alive, I’ll turn you into a proper person.”“Crap… So, am I a beast now?”“Stop cursing. I have to live until you become a person.”Contrary to his firm voice, tears welled up in his eyes. One might call it meddling, but Jonghwa was already Hajin’s only solace and the only one witnessing his dying process. Jonghwa, who banged his head against the wall a couple of times, softened his gaze.“Hey.”“What?”“Then I’ll die the day after you die.”“…What?”“I’ll live one day longer than you. To make it worth what you taught me.”It was still dark, but he could see Jonghwa clearly, as if a light had been turned on. Hot breath escaped from Hajin’s clenched teeth. Jonghwa’s light brown eyes looking straight at him tightened around his throat.“…Don’t say useless things.”“What’s useless about it?”“Why do you keep talking about dying? You’re healthy.”Hajin’s voice shook terribly, despite trying to sound firm. Pretending it didn’t matter had already failed. Hajin sniffled and wiped his tears with the back of his hand.“Aren’t we special people?”Hearing the mischievous voice, Hajin cried before he could laugh. Burying his face in his knees, he sobbed sorrowfully. Jonghwa, as if expecting this, approached and roughly patted his hair. The clumsy touch made Hajin even sadder without realizing it.“…Hey.”“What.”“Why do you make me want to live?”He vaguely understood why the approaching death was becoming more frightening. He had thought it was simply because he didn’t want to die, but today, he realized the real reason.It was because he wanted to live. The fear growing day by day was because he wanted to live.Hajin, his face covered in tears, looked up at Jonghwa and sniffled. This time, even Jonghwa seemed quite startled, narrowing his eyes and blinking. Hajin lightly punched Jonghwa’s shoulder with his weakened fist.“Even though I have to die, why do you keep making me want to live?”“….”“….”“Then you….”After a silence, Jonghwa spoke. Hajin swallowed his sobs and focused on his lips.“Why do you make me want to die?”He smiled bitterly.“Hah….”Their warm flesh touched. The inexperienced kiss of the two was awkward. Jonghwa pushed so hard that his lips pressed against Hajin’s teeth, but he pulled back when he heard Hajin groaning in pain. Gasping for breath, Hajin laughed in disbelief.“You need to let me breathe.”“Couldn’t breathe? You should have said something.”“How could I talk when you push like that?”Hajin’s lips glistened with saliva as he panted. Jonghwa, who had been looking at him seriously, cupped Hajin’s rough hair with his palm. This time, their lips met softly. Hajin gripped the blanket with all his might, feeling like his heart might stop from beating so fast.“Mm….”Every time their lips parted, excited breaths escaped. Jonghwa, proving it was his first time, thrust his tongue in right away. Hajin, also new to this, rolled his eyes in confusion as Jonghwa’s tongue explored his mouth.“What do we do next?”It was a comical scene. Hajin curled his tongue to avoid Jonghwa’s sudden intrusion, while Jonghwa, suddenly tongue-tied, had to pull back awkwardly. Jonghwa scratched his eyebrow and asked, feeling embarrassed. Hajin, his earlobes flushed red, couldn’t even look at him and just panted.“What do you expect me to do when you avoid it? A kiss should have some tongue action.”“…What kind of thing to say is that?”“Let’s try again.”It felt like a practice session. Hajin, no longer embarrassed, chuckled and shook his head, but Jonghwa ignored him and moved closer again. This time, his large hands gently cupped Hajin’s cheeks. The warmth touching his face melted his tension away.Before pressing his lips, Jonghwa looked directly into Hajin’s eyes. The light brown eyes, like stars, shook Hajin’s heart. His heart, which had calmed down, started beating wildly again. As his eyelids quivered, Jonghwa closed his eyes and kissed him.“Huh….”Their breathing grew heavier. It was still awkward but much softer and more careful than the first kiss. The mingling tongues fumbled, but it was enough to set their bodies ablaze. Hajin, trembling, gripped Jonghwa’s arm.“Why? Can’t breathe?”“…No.”Jonghwa’s lips glistened with saliva. Being so aroused by such an inexperienced kiss felt pathetic. Hajin shook his head slowly and glanced down at Jonghwa’s lower body. His pants, bulging upwards, showed he was equally excited. Jonghwa followed Hajin’s gaze and casually touched his lips.“I told you. My heart races when I see you.”“…”“Wait. I’ll take care of it.”He spoke about such embarrassing things so casually. Without trying to hide his erection, he stood up and walked out of the room. Hajin, blushing like a burning sweet potato, blinked at his retreating figure and then called out hastily.“Hey…!”“What.”“Come here.”“What… you’re calling me like a dog.”“Just come here….”“Wait. I feel like I’m gonna burst.”“…I feel the same, so just come here.”His voice grew smaller. Jonghwa seemed not to hear and opened the bathroom door. Hajin sighed deeply and finally shouted.“I said I feel like I’m gonna burst too, so just come here!”“…What?”Finally, Jonghwa turned around. His bulging pants looked ridiculous, but Hajin couldn’t laugh since he was in the same state. His erection itched slyly. Hugging his knees to cover his crotch, Hajin closed his eyes and continued.“…Hey.”“What.”Before Hajin realized it, Jonghwa’s voice was right beside him. His body twisted with static-like tension coming from his lower body. Hajin opened his eyes slowly and grabbed Jonghwa’s hand, standing by the bed.“Do you want to… sleep with me?”“Yeah.”It had been hard to say, but Jonghwa answered without a moment’s hesitation. The embarrassment of being so flustered alone washed over Hajin. Jonghwa, seemingly unfazed, quickly stripped off his pants. Hajin gaped in surprise as Jonghwa also took off his T-shirt without hesitation.“…You seem really… like you’ve been waiting for this…”“I feel like I’m gonna burst.”Jonghwa’s neck, seen up close, was flushed red, revealing that he wasn’t entirely unaffected. He climbed onto the bed and immediately pulled down Hajin’s pants. Hajin’s pale, unblemished skin, untouched by the sun, was exposed. Jonghwa froze, staring at Hajin’s body as if he were admiring a work of art.“…Shin Jonghwa.”“Yeah.”“Do you even know how to do it?”“What, sex?”“…”Though Hajin had asked first, the blunt response left him speechless. Jonghwa, breathing heavily, pulled off Hajin’s top almost aggressively. Left only in his underwear, Hajin subtly covered his nipples and nodded.“… You’ve never done it before.”“Then we can do it now.”“How can you do it if you don’t kn- Ah…!”Hajin’s questioning was cut short by a sudden moan. Jonghwa, as if not wanting to hear more, had slipped his hand into Hajin’s underwear. He spread the pre-cum from the tip of Hajin’s penis onto his palm and then pulled down Hajin’s briefs to his ankles. The large hand, now slick with pre-cum, moved to create a sticky friction that intensified with every stroke.