D Minus

Jonghwa’s voice was heavy, which made Hajin cry. He used the sound of the rain to hide his sobs.“You know too, don’t you? There’s no hope…”“…I don’t know.”“Even if I get treated, I can’t live. I just want to go peacefully.”“…..”“Take me home.”“…..”“Take me home…”Hot tears flowed down Jonghwa’s neck. Despite biting his lip, the sorrow was too overwhelming to hide. Jonghwa kept walking silently, neither speeding up nor slowing down.Jonghwa had overheard a conversation between the doctor and Hajin a while ago. The doctor had said that chemotherapy was essentially pointless and recommended moving to a hospice or a place with good air to spend his remaining days comfortably. Jonghwa had pretended not to hear, but that didn’t make the reality disappear. His eyes flickered as he walked with his mouth tightly shut.“I’ll go get our things. You stay here.”“…Thank you.”Jonghwa headed not to the hospital but to their home. Though they hadn’t lived there long, it was the place they would spend the end together. A small house in a peaceful rural village where stray cats scratched at the door.After laying Hajin on the bed, Jonghwa tore off the tape that was messily wrapped around his body and left the room. Hajin, too weak to even wash up, just lay there staring blankly at the ceiling, still in his clothes. Soon, he heard the front door close. His eyes stung, likely from crying so much. He hadn’t realized he had so many tears.“Sob…”Again. The tiresome tears flowed once more. Hajin covered his eyes with the back of his hand and sobbed, his shoulders shaking. Cancer was truly cruel. It might have been better to die quickly without counting down to death. Living but dying little by little each day was something only those who experienced it could understand.“Ah…”He was terrified. So scared that his heart pounded wildly. His life, where he could suddenly die just lying there, felt pitiful.He quickly got up and left the room, turning on every light in the house and finally switching on the TV. He thought it might be better if it were brighter and noisier, but it wasn’t. The laughing world inside the TV felt disconnected, and he was still surrounded by an eerie silence.The next burst of tears came when he saw the whiteboard on the living room wall. Despite learning Korean for so long, he still mixed up ‘ㅎ’ and ‘ㅇ’. Hajin closed his eyes tightly, covered his face, and cried for a long time, repeatedly looking up at the misspelled sentence, laughing, then pouting and crying again. This cycle continued countless times until Jonghwa, drenched from the rain, opened the front door.“What are you doing there…?”Raindrops dripped from Jonghwa’s soaked sleeves. He rubbed his eyes roughly, frowning as he saw Hajin sitting on the living room floor. Hajin, whose eyes were swollen from crying so much, wailed loudly as soon as he met Jonghwa’s gaze. Jonghwa, wide-eyed, hurriedly kicked off his shoes and approached Hajin, leaving round puddles wherever he stepped.“Hey. Why are you crying? Does it hurt somewhere?”It was a series of strange events. The moment Jonghwa came into the house, the shadow of death that had seemed so close began to blur. At the same time, the fear gripping his heart slowly faded. Struggling with his tears, Hajin collapsed into Jonghwa’s embrace.“What’s wrong?”Jonghwa quickly caught Hajin, who buried his face in his shoulder. His cheek quickly became wet, but it smelled more like rain than tears. Jonghwa, who suddenly found himself holding Hajin, awkwardly patted his back.“Do you want to go back to the hospital?”“…”Of course, there was no answer. Just holding back the tears was hard enough.Thanks to the shared warmth, Jonghwa’s body, which had been radiating cold from the rain, gradually warmed up. Jonghwa, who had been patting Hajin’s back, slowly moved his hand to gently stroke his stubbly, shaved head. Hajin flinched at the still unfamiliar sensation.“It’s okay.”It was a careless but warm comfort, enough to ease the tension. Hajin, who had been leaning against Jonghwa, straightened his upper body. His eyes stung from the redness around them. From a distance where their noses almost touched, Hajin blinked slowly, staring at Jonghwa. He looked a bit flustered but didn’t avert his gaze.“…..”Hajin’s head tilted back. He lifted his chin and pressed his dry lips against Jonghwa’s. Jonghwa’s initially rigid brown eyes belatedly flickered. After a brief kiss, Hajin’s lips drooped again, and a heavy sob escaped from his open mouth. Jonghwa, who had been staring at Hajin’s lowered head with a hardened face, lifted him under his armpits.“Sob…”Jonghwa sat Hajin on his lap. Despite the dampness from the rain, Hajin wasn’t cold, thankfully.“Sob…”This time, Jonghwa cradled Hajin’s head. The careful touch seemed out of place for him. Jonghwa kissed Hajin again, a bit more gently than Hajin had. It wasn’t a passionate kiss with intertwined tongues, but his heart pounded as if it would burst. When their lips parted briefly, Hajin gasped for breath, and Jonghwa rubbed his cheek with his hand before kissing him again.“Ha…”After the cautious kiss, Jonghwa hugged Hajin tightly, trapping him in his embrace. As soon as the tears that had barely stopped flowed again, Hajin sobbed loudly while clinging to him.“I’m scared…”His resolve to accept death wavered as each day passed. When symptoms involving terrible pain appeared, the sudden, unprepared encounter with death was terrifying. He hadn’t thought it would be so frightening, even though it was a bit unfair and sad.“It’s okay.”Jonghwa consoled Hajin with the same words. It seemed that was all he could offer as comfort. But it was enough. That short, blunt phrase was more comforting than anything else.“…I don’t want to die.”“…..”This time, there was no response. Jonghwa must have known too. False hope for someone wasting away day by day was just torture.“I don’t want to die…”He had tried to accept death, but he never wanted to die. There was no reason to live, but there was even less reason to want to die. Since the day he was diagnosed as terminal, the heavy emotions he had pushed down below his navel started to erupt one by one up his throat.“What if I suddenly die like this? What if I fall asleep today and can’t wake up tomorrow? What if I die without even realizing I’m dying?”It would be better if there were an exact time for death to come. Before sleeping, he often felt an ominous premonition that he might not wake up the next day. When nausea hit, he feared that his heart might stop.The sunlight coming through the window, the stray cat napping on the fence, the sea visible with a short walk, the trees, the flowers, the people—all of it seemed like it might be the last moment, so he tried to capture it all in his eyes. He feared he might never see them again. The death looming over him might take everything away without warning.Hajin’s swollen eyes landed on the rocking chair in the living room. On the first day they moved in, he had made a ridiculous plan to sit there and peacefully meet death.At the same time, he recalled Jonghwa’s first appearance. Dirty, rude, someone he didn’t want to associate with. The thought made him laugh weakly, and tears fell as if they had been waiting.“It’s all your fault…”“…..”“Meeting you made it like this. I wasn’t scared of dying, but after meeting you, I got scared. So it’s all your fault…”He murmured, blaming Jonghwa as he wiped his tears on his shoulder. Jonghwa, struck by his words, only nodded without saying anything. It felt like he was really saying it was his fault and that it was okay to blame him, which pained a corner of Hajin’s heart.“The treatment made it worse. That’s also your fault…”“You’re right. I’m sorry.”“Not ‘mi-an-ae,’ it’s ‘mi-an-hae.’ How many times have I taught you? Why do you keep getting it wrong…?”“I’m sorry for that too.”As he blamed him, the tears gradually stopped. Hajin, who was struggling to breathe through his nose, pressed his cheek against Jonghwa’s neck. His cheek pushed out roundly.“It’s not true.”“…..”“Actually, I feel at ease when you’re here. When you’re here, I’m a little less scared.”His voice was muffled as his cheek pressed down. Jonghwa just listened quietly.“I wanted to get treatment because… I don’t want to die…”“…..”“Don’t apologize.”“…..”“…Thank you.”His eyes reddened again, as if he hadn’t cried enough. It felt like he was crying all the tears of his life this year. Hajin wiped his tears on Jonghwa’s neck. Jonghwa’s breathing grew rougher, his chest rising and falling significantly, and his pulse was felt in his neck. When Hajin slowly raised his upper body, Jonghwa finally opened his mouth.“Shall we die together?”“…What?”“To not be scared of dying, shall I die with you?”“…You’re crazy.”This time, a chuckle escaped. It was funny how he could say something so chilling so nonchalantly. His face stung from all the crying. But Jonghwa’s expression was more serious than ever. Hajin’s face, which had been laughing heartily, gradually hardened. It wasn’t nonsense. Jonghwa was more sincere than anyone else.“I asked the doctor earlier at the hospital.”“About what?”“If I could give you my stomach.”“Sigh…”“He said I can’t. He explained why, but I forgot. I’m sorry.”“…..”“For me, dying is no big deal. So, let’s die togeth…”“…Hey.”“Yeah.”“You promised. To be with me when I die.”“…..”“To keep that promise, you have to live. How can you talk about dying together?”“…..”“You have to live.”“…..”“Because you can.”The tears that had flowed so long finally stopped. Hajin, who struggled to smile with his puffy eyes, held Jonghwa’s cheek and kissed him again. This time, there were no tears, making it a bit sweeter. Jonghwa, taking a deep breath, soon wrapped his hand around Hajin’s head and intertwined his tongue with his.When he saw Jonghwa’s moist, light brown eyes, Hajin made a resolution. The 300 million he would trade his life for would not go to his relatives but to this man.To the crazy man who would die with him after knowing him for just 104 days.＊＊＊“I just want to live like this and then go. Eat abalone sold by the sea-diving grandmothers, look at the fish dried on the streets, and also, hmm…”“See the sea too.”“That’s right. The biggest reason we came here was the sea. We were supposed to go see the sea every day, pick up seashells, and build sandcastles.”“Also, swim in the sea.”“It’s too cold for that now. We should have done that in the summer.”Sitting on the floor instead of the perfectly good sofa, the two of them leaned on each other, chatting quietly. Hajin’s eyelids, swollen from crying too much, moved slowly.“I want to stop the treatment.”“Okay.”“I want to see as much as I can.”“Yeah.”“I have to take in all the good things before I die. Otherwise, it’ll be regrettable.”“Let’s do that.”“Stay with me.”Go see the sea with me. Play in the sand with me, pick up seashells, take walks with me. Stay by my side until I die.Hajin, leaning his head on Jonghwa’s shoulder, smiled and poked his firm thigh. Veins stood out on Jonghwa’s tightly clenched fist.“Okay.”“It feels like we’re dating.”“…..”“Have you ever been in a relationship?”The heavy conversation took a lighter turn. Jonghwa, faced with the unexpected question, remained silent before slowly shaking his head. Hajin chuckled as if he had expected that.“You’re so you.”“Have you?”“No. I was too busy living.”“Really… Someone who looks as good as you never dated?”“Look who’s talking. You haven’t either.”“I’m different from you.”“How so?”“Well, damn it… Anyway, I’m different.”“What’s different? We’re both just people. And if you look at appearances, you’re much better looking.”“Jeez…”Once he let go of his preconceptions about Jonghwa, he could fully face him, and Jonghwa was quite handsome. His large build and perpetually frowning face, along with the deep scar across his eyebrow, had obscured his kind, pretty eyes. When Hajin chuckled, Jonghwa’s earlobes turned red.“Let’s say we’re dating.”“What do you mean ‘let’s say’?”“Just. Let’s say we’re dating since neither of us has ever done it.”“If we’re doing it, we’re doing it. What do you mean ‘let’s say’?”“Why, do you actually want to date?”Having cried his heart out, Hajin felt emboldened to joke freely. Tilting his head, he smiled prettily, his eyes crinkling. Jonghwa’s chest puffed up, and then he quickly turned his face away. He even tried to avoid Hajin’s eyes by roughing up his own eyebrows.“Whenever I see you, my heart pounds.”“…What?”The joke, which seemed like it would continue, abruptly stopped. Jonghwa, whose face had turned red as if marked with a red pen, hung his head slightly and bit his lips. Hajin’s brows furrowed inward.“You cook for me, teach me, and all that.”“So?”“Damn, I just feel really good when I see you.”“…..”“That’s all.”It was an unexpected answer. Hajin, stunned by the sudden confession, blinked with his mouth open. Could it mean he liked him? Thinking deeply didn’t bring any conclusions. With a complicated expression, Hajin looked at Jonghwa, shook his head a couple of times, and spoke.“I feel… at ease with you.”“What does that mean?”Jonghwa, impatiently, seized on the end of his words. Hajin, bursting into laughter, lightly hit his arm.“I don’t know. But I just feel more at ease with you. The fear calms down, and I start to think things might be okay.”“Is that a good thing?”“It’s not a bad thing.”“…..”A brief silence followed. Hajin, tearing at his nails, swallowed a sigh. There were many things he wanted to say, but he couldn’t organize his thoughts. Jonghwa, seemingly the same, fidgeted and let out a deep breath.“How would I know if I’ve never experienced it, right?”“…Yeah, damn.”“This probably isn’t love, right?”“Maybe.”“Yeah. I’m the first person who cooked for you and taught you to read, and you’re the first person who…”Hajin’s words, which had been flowing smoothly, suddenly stopped. He was aware of the meaning of what he was about to say, making him feel awkward. Jonghwa, impatient as always, tilted his chin as if to urge him to continue. Clearing his throat, Hajin shrugged and smiled faintly.“You’re the first person to comfort me.”“…”“…”“Then what is it if it’s not love?”“Someone special, maybe?”“What the…”“Let’s be special people to each other.”“What does ‘special people’ mean?”“You know, we’re special to each other. We’ll walk by the sea, eat delicious food, watch movies at home, and drink together for the remaining time.”“How is that different from dating?”The questions kept coming. It reminded Hajin of the students he used to teach a few months ago, making him laugh for no reason. With a fresh smile, Hajin playfully ruffled Jonghwa’s hair. This was something he couldn’t have imagined doing when they first met.“It’s different.”“How?”“I don’t know either. I’ve never done it before.”