D Minus

“Take your medicine.”“Thank you.”He was always good at saying thank you, despite lacking manners.“Thank you, but… surgery is only possible in the early stages. For someone like me in the terminal stage, it’s useless.”The man’s hand, which had tilted his head back to take the medicine, flinched. Hajin casually handed him a cup of lukewarm water.“They say there’s no way to treat it since it’s so far gone.”The man swallowed the medicine without water. Hajin’s nose wrinkled.“Can’t they just take my whole stomach and put it in you?”“Do you think that’s possible?”It was still an absurd comment, but it didn’t irritate Hajin like before. Unintentionally, he let out a small laugh. The man stared silently at Hajin for a moment before roughly running a hand through his hair.“Sorry.”“For what?”“I’m too dumb to understand. I thought surgery would fix it.”“There’s nothing to apologize for.”“It’s because I’m uneducated. Please understand.”Even in the future. Somehow, it seemed like the man wanted to say that. For some reason, Hajin felt a sharp pang in his chest. His body ached, and his tear ducts seemed to malfunction, as his nostrils stung and he rubbed them vigorously with the back of his hand. He inspected the bandage covering the knife scar.“Remember you’re supposed to go to the hospital the day after tomorrow?”“I could just do it here.”“Stop saying useless things.”Fortunately, there was no bleeding, but the tape on the end of the bandage was coming loose. Hajin told the man to wait a moment and went to the living room to fetch the first aid kit. It was a multi-purpose kit he had bought in town yesterday, and it had everything he needed. He found the white medical tape inside and hurried back to the room. The man was still lying in the same position.“Stay still while I tape this.”Hajin didn’t understand why he was doing so much, but since he had shown kindness once, he decided to see it through to the end. Although the talk of giving his stomach was absurd, it seemed that the man’s sincerity had somehow touched him.“What are you doing now…?”Hajin’s eyebrows furrowed as he pressed the tape down on the man’s abdomen. His stomach began to swell. His claim of being healthy seemed true, as his muscular belly gradually ballooned up like a round balloon. Hajin’s previously scrunched face grew pale.“What’s happening…? Are you in pain?”“Just belly fat.”“Are you insane…!”The man, who had taken a deep breath that made his chest rise, burst into hearty laughter while flexing his abdomen. At the same time, his swollen belly deflated, revealing firm muscles again. Hajin, glaring at him with wide eyes, cursed and struck the man’s muscular arm. The man continued to laugh heartily, clearly amused.“See? You can’t do this, can you?”The man didn’t stop there and continued to inflate and deflate his belly repeatedly. He looked like a mischievous kindergartner, maybe even worse. Watching the man’s belly rise and fall, Hajin couldn’t help but laugh. His weak smile grew until it became a full-blown laugh.“Ah…! You’re bleeding!”“That’s messed up.”Blood started seeping through the white bandage. Hajin, who had been laughing while hitting the man’s arm, suddenly realized what was happening and looked distraught. His hand, fumbling with the blood-stained bandage, trembled. He felt foolish for laughing at such a stupid joke. But looking back, it was the first time he had laughed since his terminal diagnosis, on D-162.＊＊＊“Don’t buy anything else, just get what’s on this list.”“Alright.”Since that day, Hajin had gotten quite close to the man. They weren’t in any special relationship, but they ate together once or twice a day. Despite the man’s boasts about his cooking skills, Hajin ended up taking over the cooking after tasting the strange porridge the man made.The man usually handled the cleanup, but since they had run out of ingredients, Hajin had no choice but to send him on a more bothersome grocery run. One thing Hajin had learned was that the man followed instructions well without complaints.Though it felt a bit awkward cooking for two, it wasn’t a bad feeling. The man would take at least 30 minutes to return, so Hajin decided to start cooking rice in the meantime.“Oh… squid.”He realized his foolish mistake only after pressing the cook button. He had planned to make ‘squid bulgogi’ for dinner but forgot to order the squid. Though bulgogi without squid wouldn’t be bad, today he particularly craved squid bulgogi. Ever since getting sick, his appetite had grown. Since the man didn’t have a phone, Hajin had no way to contact him. After a moment of contemplation, he decided to go out and meet him at the market. If they were eating together, shopping together wouldn’t be too odd.“What does this say? Is it ‘Bi’? I can’t read this.”“……”“The handwriting is so messy I can’t make it out. What letter is this?”Hajin had worried about missing the man, but fortunately, he found him as soon as he entered the market. Despite his large, bear-like build, he held a cute yellow shopping basket and was engrossed in a serious conversation with a market staff in a red apron.Hajin, who had planned to call out to the man from a distance, realized he still didn’t know his name. Unable to call him, he had no choice but to approach. As he neared the two, who were seriously pondering something, Hajin smiled warmly and greeted them with a “Hello.”“Are you still shopping?”“What does this handwriting say?”The employee seemed to have been semi-forced to help the man with his shopping. Hajin glanced at her again, signaling that she could leave.“What is it?”“This one.”The man’s thick finger pointed to the last word of the five listed. ‘Piman’ (bell pepper). It was slightly scribbled, as he wrote it holding the pen only between his thumb and index finger due to his wet hands, but it was still readable. Hajin, taking pride in his role as a teacher, nudged the man’s back with his elbow.“I explained it earlier, didn’t I? We need bell peppers for the bulgogi. I told you several times to buy bell peppers, not paprika. How could you forget that?”“Sorry.”The man finally nodded in understanding. Despite Hajin’s repeated reminders not to buy paprika instead of bell peppers, it seemed the man had completely forgotten. Hajin glanced at the man’s shopping basket to check if anything was missing, and the man watched him like a student being inspected by a teacher.“We only have bell peppers and mushrooms left.”At least he had picked the other items correctly. As Hajin headed towards the section with bell peppers, the man closely followed him.“The mushrooms are over there. Just get one pack of enoki mushrooms. Not any other mushrooms, only enoki.”“Mushrooms are all the same.”“Enoki mushrooms taste best in bulgogi. Get the enoki mushrooms.”While rummaging through the pile of bell peppers to find clean, undamaged ones, Hajin gave the man instructions. The man, with a sullen expression, dutifully walked over to the mushroom section. Hajin, after putting two large green bell peppers into a plastic bag, realized the man still hadn’t returned and looked around. He saw the man standing with his arms crossed in front of the refrigerated section. Hajin sighed deeply. He was diligent but somewhat clumsy.“It’s going to take all day for you to pick mushrooms.”“I don’t know what enoki mushrooms are.”“It’s written right there.”At this point, Hajin wondered if the man was protesting against being sent on errands. Pine mushrooms, oyster mushrooms, lion’s mane mushrooms, enoki mushrooms. The enoki mushrooms were even closest to the man. Hajin gestured with his chin in that direction. The man’s eyes rolled around.“These are small. I’ll get two packs.”Hajin looked up at the man, urging him to hurry, but he didn’t seem to have any intention of moving. Hajin’s forehead wrinkled with frustration.“Two packs, I said. They’re right there.”“This one?”The man pointed at the oyster mushrooms. The label was large and clear, yet it seemed the man couldn’t read Korean. Hajin sighed deeply and snapped irritably.“Can’t you read? Those are oyster mushrooms. These are enoki.”Hajin pushed the man aside with his shoulder and put two packs of enoki mushrooms into the basket. The man just sighed in a deliberately exaggerated manner, as if mocking him. Hajin thought the man had improved a bit, but apparently, he hadn’t.“We need to buy squid.”“I’ll get it.”“So you know what squid is?”Hajin drawled mockingly, but the man didn’t seem to care and walked briskly towards the seafood section. Hajin, feeling tired from a restless night, pressed his hot forehead with his palm as he waited for the man.“This is right, isn’t it?”“…How many did you buy?”“Five.”“This is crazy.”“Why? Should I get more? Just say the word.”It seemed the man was planning a squid feast. Without noticing Hajin’s exasperated expression, the man proudly stood his ground. Hajin, once again the one to give in, shook his head in frustration. As soon as Hajin picked up the shopping basket, the man took it from him as if he had been waiting. It was a completely unnecessary gesture of kindness.“Are you mad?”“Why would I be mad?”“Your face looks like it’s about to burst.”“…”The man had a natural talent for getting on people’s nerves. The oppressive heat made Hajin’s irritability skyrocket, and the man’s constant pestering made him feel like he was about to explode. Sighing noticeably, Hajin clamped his mouth shut and didn’t reply. Normally, he wasn’t this sensitive, but since his illness, even small things made him irritable.“It’s okay not to know about mushrooms.”“Who gets upset over mushrooms?”“Then what is it?”The man was unflappable despite Hajin’s obvious annoyance, which made Hajin find him even more irritating. But when Hajin tried to argue, he couldn’t find the words. Upon reflection, it really was about the mushrooms. Hajin sighed in self-reproach.“Yeah… It really was the mushrooms. I’m sorry. I didn’t use to be like this. Why am I so sensitive lately?”Maybe it would have been better to skip the squid. The profuse sweating made Hajin feel dizzy. Even minor health issues now made him anxious, fearing it was a symptom of his illness returning. As Hajin took a few more steps, he suddenly staggered. His vision turned black, and his body tingled with static.“Are you sick?”The man’s voice echoed around him. His shoulder felt warm, suggesting the man had caught him. Blinking rapidly to clear his vision, Hajin slowly regained his sight. Was it low blood pressure or anemia? He hadn’t had either condition when he was healthy, so maybe it was indeed a symptom of his illness returning. Hajin’s eyes darkened as he regained his vision.“Are you okay?”The rough voice of the man became clearer. Fully regaining his senses, Hajin slowly nodded. Knowing that sinking into despair was a bottomless pit, he consciously tried to scatter his thoughts.“I can’t read.”“…What?”“I can’t write either. And I can’t read.”“…What did you say?”“How am I supposed to know if it’s ‘songi’ (pine mushroom), ‘paengi’ (enoki mushroom), or something else? Next time, record it on your phone. If you play it for the store clerk, they’ll pick it out for you.”The man must have sensed Hajin’s feelings. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have exposed his own weakness and changed the subject. Watching the shopping basket swing in the man’s hand as he walked ahead, Hajin lengthened his strides.“Why can’t you read? Didn’t you go to school?”There’s a thing called compulsory education. As a former teacher, it was a situation he couldn’t understand. As his voice quickened with questions, the man shrugged and averted his gaze.“No. I didn’t go.”“Not even elementary school?”“No.”“Why not?”“You don’t know? I was a beggar from the age of seven.”“…A beggar…?”“Yeah. You know, selling gum in the subway with a sign around my neck. I don’t know what was written on it.”“Why did you do that?”Hajin stuttered in shock. Hearing that the man had been a beggar instead of going to school at the age of seven would shock anyone. The man looked down at Hajin, who had stopped walking, and Hajin looked up at him with wide eyes. Sweat trickled down the man’s neck.“You don’t know? That’s the earliest I can remember. I must have been born there.”“…”“So you need to understand. I’ll buy enoki mushrooms properly next time.”One shouldn’t casually pity someone else’s life. Nor was he in a position to do so. Even though he knew this, his vision blurred despite himself. The man’s rough, indifferent words and his seemingly unconcerned, gentle smile somehow made Hajin feel sorry for him. He even felt a pang of guilt for criticizing the man for not being able to read just a few minutes earlier.“But the store clerk couldn’t read ‘piman’ either. You wrote it wrong.”The man, spreading his chest wide, added brazenly. Hastily lowering his head to hide his tears, Hajin spent the ten-minute walk home pondering if there was a bookstore nearby.It was D-150, a midsummer day when even stray cats sought shelter under the eaves to escape the heat.“What’s this?”“It’s squid sashimi. It’s delicious if you dip it in the sauce next to it.”Because the man had bought five squids, today turned into a complete squid feast. Even after generously adding some to the bulgogi, there were still three and a half left, so they ended up making sashimi. The man, apparently seeing squid sashimi for the first time, curiously picked up a plump piece of flesh and popped it into his mouth. Hajin, carrying a pot, shouted.“Don’t eat with your hands! Use chopsticks.”“Sorry.”The man, looking not sorry at all, chewed the squid nonchalantly. Hajin glared at him and handed him the chopsticks, poking his trembling shin with his toe. The man, who had only shown the back of his head, lifted his head slightly.“Don’t shake your leg. It drives away good luck.”“I don’t have any luck to lose.”“Shaking your leg isn’t a good habit.”“Well…”Despite not looking too pleased, the man obediently followed the instruction. During the meal, he sometimes forgot and shook his knee, but quickly remembered Hajin’s words and stopped. Hajin, quietly eating without making any noise with the utensils, secretly suppressed a laugh.“Want a beer?”“Are you offering alcohol to a cancer patient?”“Oh, right.”There were five cans of imported beer in the fridge, probably belonging to the landlord since neither of them drank much. The man, who claimed he rarely drank, took out sikhye instead of beer, and to his surprise, Hajin took a can and held it in his hand. The man frowned and turned around.“I’m not going to drink.”“I’m going to drink it.”“What kind of patient drinks alcohol? Are you out of your mind?”The same person who had offered him alcohol earlier now took the beer away with a stern expression. Ignoring him, Hajin shamelessly shrugged and took out another beer. The man’s bewildered expression was quite a sight.“This is really good. I tried it at the supermarket and bought it.”“Enjoy it.”“You should drink this instead. Patients shouldn’t drink alcohol.”“Drinking won’t make me die sooner, and not drinking won’t make me live longer.”Ignoring the sikhye the man offered, Hajin opened the beer can. He wasn’t a big drinker before, but since his illness, he felt like a rebellious teenager. He drank the beer in large gulps, ignoring the man’s serious gaze. The carbonation stung his throat as it went down.“Seems like it doesn’t hurt.”The man, seeming to have given up on stopping him, drank the sikhye he had offered to Hajin. Having downed half the beer, Hajin wiped his damp lips with the back of his hand and nodded.“Maybe because I’m not doing chemotherapy. Who knows, I might suddenly die one day.”“Isn’t it true that when you have cancer, you become just skin and bones and lose all your hair?”“It sounds like wishful thinking.”“No, I mean it. You look really fine. Maybe the doctor made a mistake? You should go back to the hospital.”“You sure know how to make nonsense sound convincing.”Hajin had already emptied one can. Not being much of a drinker, his face was quickly flushed, but he felt like having another. Staggering, Hajin opened the fridge and looked back at the man.“Want a can?”The man, who claimed he didn’t enjoy drinking, unexpectedly nodded. It was as if he sensed Hajin’s desire for a drinking buddy. Sometimes, he seemed very perceptive.“You’re so young. How did you end up with such a disease?”He was full of questions. It was a rather rude question no matter who asked it, but coming from the man, it didn’t feel offensive. Maybe because Hajin had no more expectations. With his face flushed like a tomato, Hajin propped his chin on his hand and rolled his eyes.“Yeah, who knows. I was curious at first, but there’s no one to answer.”A strong smell of alcohol accompanied every exhale. Hajin’s cheek, pressed against his hand, bulged out. Despite looking like a heavy drinker, the man sipped his beer, making a face as if he were drinking poison.“I don’t think about it much anymore. Maybe I’m just useless. Maybe the world doesn’t need me.”“…”“Maybe everyone else works harder than me. Maybe they’re more deserving of life than I am…”It wasn’t that he was about to cry, but he felt his parched heart cracking. Gulping down more beer, Hajin sighed deeply. The man, who had started shaking his leg again, held his breath and drank half his beer in one go.“Dying is no big deal.”“There you go again…”“So don’t struggle too much. What’s the big deal if you go a little early? Everyone dies eventually anyway.”It wasn’t a very comforting statement. Hajin, now tipsy, let out a hollow laugh. In a different context, it was true. Everyone dies someday; it’s just a matter of going a bit early.“You’re not even sick, so why are you so indifferent to life?”“Me?”