Ferdie and the Elementals

The skinny old brown cow chews on her cud as she moseys over to me. She's served the family well over the years and she deserves every flake of grain that I pour into her trough.

"Come an' get it, girl!"

She makes it over to me on her shaky legs and wastes no time getting to work on her food. Her tail whips the air weakly as she practically sucks up the grain.

"Sorry we kept you waiting. Feed's extra scarce this season."

She ignores me. Small talk is always less interesting than food, especially for a cow.

"Good girl. We don't care if you don't make milk anymore, we just want you to be happy."

She continues to chew and chew.

I reach out to pet her and she quickly pulls her head up. She looks me right in the eyes, frozen.

I lean in a bit. "Girl?"

"Hero, please wake up."

"What?"

"It is almost sunrise. The enemy will be upon us in moments"

My eyes flash open and I bolt up from the bed with a shout. Althea is standing, combat-ready, just a couple of feet away, gazing at me through the dim lamplight of the cottage.

"Althea, don't stare at me when I'm sleeping!" I take a breath. "You almost made me shit my pants just now."

"Forgive me, Hero. That was not my intention. However, I require your leadership at this time."

"Okay, okay, just give me five minutes," I stand up to stretch, but I connect with the ceiling of the cottage and the top of my head almost goes through it. "Dammit!"

"Please be careful. Are you hurt?"

"Great! My new place already has a big dent in it," I bend over a bit. " Whatever. Your dudes ready?"

"My Knights are already in formation. I have sent a few to scout ahead as well."

"Alright."

I walk over to my new, sparkling clean mirror and fix my sweet pompadour. I put on my aviators and check myself out in the reflection. "I'm so cool, it's scary."

"Will you finish your preparations soon?"

"Don't rush me, lady," I walk into the refurbished kitchen and start rifling through the new smooth oak cabinets. "This war machine needs some fuel. You want something?"

"No, thank you."

I find some dried sausages, a small wedge of cheese, and some of that sweet, savory, heavenly jerky. I grab as much as I can and swipe up a one of those awful wine skins. I snap off several strips of jerky in my mouth and turn back to Althea. "Ohkhay, leths goh."

"I see you are ready. Let us proceed."

Althea walks out ahead me and slowly close the door behind myself, making sure not to break it.

As I walk out onto the dewy grass, Althea approaches the big group of Knights and Sir Biscuit, who is standing at attention with his giant sword planted in the ground in front him. Behind him, the rows of knights are in a perfect square formation. They each carry a sword and shield, and they all look completely identical down to the last detail. Even the feather thing that sticks out of their helmets seems to bend in the breeze the same exact way.

Althea stops in front of Sir Biscuit and they stare at each other in silence for a moment. Then, she turns back to me.

She nods. "Hero. I'm ready."

"Sure looks like it," I hold out piece of sausage to her. "Sure you don't want some?"

"No, thank you." She blinks her war hammer and shield into her hands.

I shrug, pop a piece in my mouth, and start chewing. "Suit yourself."

I chew my jerky and wait for the sunrise in silence for a while, Althea standing beside me as still and quiet as a statue. Then I remember something. "Oh, right."

"What is it?"

"I need to give you your boost."

"My boost?"

I reach into my shirt and pull out my Hero Pendant. I clutch it and close my eyes, and it responds with a series of ebbs and waves of gentle warmth. Then, a low ethereal sound sings into the air for a few moments until the pendant becomes cool and still once more.

"Hero, what did you do?" Althea twists her body and moves her joints around.

"That's the power of a Hero, baby!" I spread my arms triumphantly. "Feel any different?"

She turns her head and tilts it from side to side. "I suppose I feel... More resilient."

"That's 'cause you are."

She freezes, and her eyes begin to flicker. "Yes, I can feel that some of my mana has returned," she bows to you. "You have my gratitude, Hero."

"Ain't nothin'."

"And as for you? Can you also benefit from this power?"

"What? Oh, I'm already hardcore enough as it is so-"

A ray of sunlight hits me. I shield my eyes and see that the horizon is stained red. The sun is finally beginning to rise.

"Okay, Althea. It's almost showtime."

"My scouts are on full alert."

Soon enough, the sun cracks properly above the horizon. I crack my knuckles and pop my neck. "Finally gonna see some real action."

Althea tenses and readies her hammer and shield. "My scouts have spotted something moving in on us from the east; I advise we advance on the enemy now."

I stop stretching. "We? No, no, no. We already discussed this: you and your guys are gonna hang back here and pick off the stragglers while I go and clean house."

"I agreed to no such thing. It would not be right for me to stand by and let you fight the forces of Chaos alone."

"No, you're vulnerable right now and we gotta save the Knights for Zazel's place!"

"That is not acceptable. I would fight alongside you. If you are wounded-"

"I'm gonna handle this," I push past the Knights and Althea trails me stubbornly. The Knights make way for the two of you and while not breaking formation too much.

"Hero! Don't go rushing in like this! You-"

"Look, I said stay back! I need you and your dudes to pick off the stragglers."

"Hero-"

I swing around halfway. "Goddamnit, Althea! I don't want you getting hurt!"

She relents, stopping in place, but her stoic face cracks with a hint of resentment. "Very well, Hero."

"Keep yourself safe and kill any that come your way!"

I blast forward towards the incoming horde of Butt Ugly Spawn. I'm not supposed to be fast, but I am, and I crush it at breakneck speed, leaving Althea and the Knights far behind in seconds. I'm like a tank with legs and I bulldoze the air as I charge across the grassy plain the wave of Spawn.

As I get closer to them, I lose a bit of enthusiasm; they're just so gross. The little shits look like a bunch of waist-high lumpy piles of black puke, with a bunch of different limbs, appendages, and some other weird-ass features sprouting out of their bodies. They only thing they have in common is a random number of amber-colored, fish-like eyes and their wet, goopy bodies.

That shit's gonna get all over me.

At a certain point, they all seem to lock on to me at once and their bodies begin to shift and transform wildly into different shapes as they speed up their bouncing, sliding, and sloshing. Then, they start revealing a bunch of yellowish bone-like things hidden inside them. Some have claws, some have teeth, others have both, or none. A few have weird, long spear like pig-stickers or fat, spiky tails, hooks, and all kinds of other wild shit; it seems they're all competing to see which one can come up with the nastiest body part to hurt me with.

I blitz into like a tank driving into a landside and weave through the mass of enemies while letting loose a series of devastating punches that defy the laws of physics. Each punch I throw seems to shatter the sound barrier with a sonic boom, causing a shockwave that disrupts the formation of the swarm and sends them scattering in all directions. My fists are a blur of speed and power, and the sheer force behind each blow is enough to explode their little tar-like forms in to hundreds of drops of whatever the hell they are made of.

As I continue to demolish the spawn, I find myself lost in a trance-like state, as if I'm not controlling my own actions. My punches become even more powerful, and I can feel the adrenaline surging through my veins. Even the blows that don't connect completely seem to push and blast the ugly freaks around.

But for every disgusting little bastard I kill, two more show up to take its place. They keep coming at me from all sides, and soon I find myself surrounded by a growing sea of tar. With no way out, I stop moving and focus on strikes completely, punching faster and harder than ever before. It's as if the world has slowed down around me, and all I can see is a wall of enemies rushing towards me and a stream of fists flowing out from me. I feel like I'm fighting an endless sea of tar and shit, and my wall of fists is the dam keeping them at bay, but even the mightiest dams have limits.

I punch and punch and punch, sending chunks of Spawn splashing and flying in all directions. I feel a dozen of them slopping and sticking onto my arms, legs, and back, trying to pin me down and overtake me. But I push back with all my might, my fists connecting with Spawn one after another, but it is not enough. They bite at me with their ugly yellowed teeth, claws, and other crazy appendages. And it starts to hurt.

"AH! Get the fuck off me!"

I feel Spawn after Spawn slashing and biting at my road leathers from every angle, trying to penetrate my duds and find my sweet, sweet flesh.

"Fuck off!"

My fists are like blurs, and I punish Spawn left and right, but some break through grab on to my arms and legs. They sink their ugly ass teeth and claws into me, trying to tear and bite me to shreds. I try to resist by pulling them off, but they are relentless, and stopping my assault to grab them only allows more to latch on to me.

"AGH!" I growl in pain as I feel their teeth and claws cutting into my flesh. "Get bent, you little shits!"

I grit my teeth and push on, punching, stomping, and flinging Spawn off of me left and right, but there are just too many of them. I feel like I'm really losing momentum, and the endless Spawn continue to swarm around me, slashing, biting, stabbing, clubbing, and clawing at every little soft spot they can find.

"AHH! Motherfuckers! SHIT!" I begin to get tunnel vision and I feel myself losing control. I can't believe these little shitstains are pushing me this far!

I know I have to use it, but I'm still not sure how. I think hard and try to mentally reach out to the power inside me.

"AHHH!" Another bite. A deep one. My focus gives way to frustration as my pain intensifies.

Then, I feel a little shift deep in my chest, like a tiny fifth limb hidden somewhere inside my core. There's a sensation like a little volcanic eruption, and a well of energy overflows and bursts out from some secret place deep inside me, filling my body to the brim with an unbelievable amount of power.

"YEAH! COME GET SOME!"

My fists begin to glow with a fiery light, and I start throwing punches in every direction again, only this time, they are much stronger, and they explode like bombs upon impact with the Spawn. Each punch sends the big turds splattering in every direction, and even those that I don't hit directly explode from the sheer force. I feel like a living artillery cannon, and I rain down blows that devastate the horde around me, each explosion rupturing Spawn like overstuffed bags of garbage and sending huge bursts of earth high above the fray.

The Spawn begin to scatter, their numbers finally down, and I tense my muscles and take several deep breaths as I prepare to unleash a final barrage of punches. The dozen or so nasty, gross-ass leftovers start to hop and slide away from me as fast as they can, but it's far, far too late.

"ARRGH! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, ZAZEL!"

I unleash all hell on the vile shitstains, pummeling them to paste with my enhanced, explosive punches. I give it everything I've got and then some, my fists becoming a flurry of blazing blows as I hammer and mow down the last of the Spawn, leaving nothing behind but a charred crater littered with bits and pieces of gunk.

As the air clears, I stand triumphantly, my chest heaving.

Althea and her Knights come clanking over, running with her warhammer and giant shield in hand. "Hero!"

"Hey! I though I told you-"

"Your rear! It's on your rear!"

"Eh?" I crane my neck around, and I see it: a big, nasty, bloodthirsty Spawn thing clinging onto the back of my jacket, and before I can do anything, it chomps down on my tender, juicy glutes.

"Motherfucker!" I spin around and snatch the little shit, and it tears off a bit of my jeans as I pull it off.

I hold the thing up to my face with an iron grip and give it a mean, junkyard dog look as I glare at it over the top of my shades. "You and me are gonna have a little chit-chat about your behavior when I come over. But first, I wanna congratulate you on becoming Astraea's very first astronaut."

I twist my body and crank my arm back as far as physically possible, my muscles straining. I take aim at a distant cloud, and I throw the bastard as hard as I can with a triumphant shout. The Spawn shoots into the sky like a ballistic missile, going supersonic as it rockets out of sight.

"Sayonara, asshole."

I do a quick check for more spawn, but there's nothing but, black jelly, burnt craters and smoking earth. Finally, I feel my power fade and my heartbeat and breathing go back to normal as Althea and the Knights make it over.

"Well... Well done, Hero," She blinks away her shield and hammer as she walks up to me. "I was not aware that you were capable of such a display."

"Tsk," I tap my foot and look away. "I thought I told you to keep back."

"I believed you were in danger when you hadn't noticed the Thrall on your flank, and thus I decided to come to your aid."

"I wasn't in any danger," I shake my head. "Look, are you gonna listen to me, or not? 'Cause I'm pretty sure you said its your duty to obey me or whatever."

Her face sours slightly. "I have already explained this at length. Although it is God's will that I serve you, my primary obligation is to ensure the order of Astraea."

I huff. "So, what?"

"With all due respect, Hero, this should not be difficult to understand. According to His conditions for victory, your death would doom our world, and as the Elemental of Order, I cannot allow that, even if it means disobeying you."

I raise an eyebrow at her. "And what about you? What if the enemy tries to trick you into coming out into the open or something?"

Her forehead creases. "I do not know what I have done to make you think I am a fool, but I can assure you I would not fall for such a tactic easily."

"I didn't say you were- Ow!" I feel a quick, sharp little pain in my abs. I look down, and sure enough, I see a few wounds that haven't quite healed yet.

Althea's eyes dart straight to your torso. "So you are wounded," she touches her cheek as she leans in to get a look. "These are very ugly wounds. I should use my magic."

"It's nothing."

"Please do not be so obstinate! You have several wounds; I would use my magic to heal you before infection sets in."

"No, seriously, I'm fine," I lift back my jacket a bit to reveal my bloody and torn black muscle shirt. There is a very faint, fleshy sizzle as my bites, scratches, and stab wounds slowly begin to close themselves.

Althea stares. "Your wounds..."

I let out a deep, deep sigh. "Son of a bitch, dude."

"What is it?"

"Wounds heal, but clothes don't!" I growl and gesture at my gear. "How am I supposed to fix my duds in a world with no tailors!?"

Althea blinks. "Surely that cannot be what troubles you most at this moment."

"This is serious! At this rate, I'll be fighting off the invasion naked! How am I supposed save the world with my junk flopping around?"

"I believe I can prevent that from happening."

"How's that?"

She puts her hands together in prayer. After saying some strange-sounding words, she raises her right hand. "Restore Order!"

I begin to glow with a gentle golden aura. In moments, I see the remainder of my injuries heal and my clothes begin to mend themselves, stitching themselves back together, leaving no sign of any damage behind.

"Huh, thought that was only for-" I look myself over quickly, checking for any remaining rips or holes, then I smile and nod. "Anyways, thanks. You're amazing."

She pauses and looks me in the eye for moment before nodding politely. "Your praise means much to me, Hero. Though, I prefer preventing harm over reversing it."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Hero, please," her voice is a bit gentler. "You are powerful and durable; that is certain. Even so, you are not invincible and you cannot be everywhere at once. Even you will be at a disadvantage when fighting great numbers of enemies. Your chances- our chances- of survival are greater if we work and fight-"

"Ugh, will you stop fussing? I'm not gonna die!"

She folds her arms. "Hubris is not becoming of a Hero. How can you be so reckless with your life given everything that is at stake?"

"I ain't being reckless!"

"You charged the Elemental of Chaos' Thralls without aid or even-"

"Look, I can't die, okay!? It's not risking my life if they can't kill me."

She cocks her head. "What?"

"Listen, trying to explain it is gonna give me a headache, but basically, I have a bunch of powers that make me very, very hard to kill. I could've shown you, but you healed me."

"I... I see. I even so, I think it would be prudent to-"

"Look I'm the Hero. I'm the one who leads the way. I'm the one who takes the hits. I'm the one who does the self-sacrifice bullshit. I can handle that. You can't. Even just one of those Spawn could have taken you out if you got unlucky."

Her face tightens. "Even if you are resistant to mortal injury, there is no telling what kind of strategy the enemy may employ. We need to work closely to ensure we can-"

"Listen, maybe I ain't as smart as you, but I ain't stupid. I'm never going to do anything that I think will put you, Zazel, or this world at risk. I want to keep everything and everyone safe so bad it hurts. And it does hurt. A lot. Those Society fuckwits are going invade this world, but they've already ruined mine," I ball my fists and take a deep breath. "You know, I struggled for years to get what little I had, and they stole everything they could and destroyed everything else. My girlfriend, my home, my-" A knot suddenly forms in my throat. I swallow it. "Listen I promise you, Althea, that I will give my all to protect you, Zazel, and all the other Elementals. And I'll crush any Limp Dick Society wackjob that sets even one fucking toe in Astraea!"

She doesn't say a word, and I'm almost a little worried until she turns back to me with her usual unreadable face. "I must apologize," she finally says. "I believe I may have misjudged you."

I sigh and shrug. "It's cool, I guess. But until you get more of your power back, you gotta play it safe."

She goes silent for a long time, then she bows. "Very well, Hero. I will put my faith in you for now. But there is something I do not understand."

"What?"

"If you knew you had such powerful endurance, why did you not tell me?"

It's a fair question, and I'm not sure how to answer it.

"Hero?"

"I dunno. It didn't cross my mind for some reason."

She runs a hand through her hair and takes a deep breath. "We have been through though a fair number of significant event in such a short amount of time, so I suppose oversights are inevitable. At any rate, I suggest we shift our focus back to the upcoming mission."

"For sure," I nod and pat her on the shoulder. " And Zazel's got a lot to answer for after that sneaky little bite in the ass."