Ferdie and the Elementals

Wearing nothing but a half-melted biker jacket and some aviators, I stomp my way through the Astraean forest in search of the crystal.

It should be right about...

I come across a tall, thick tree, and behind it is a clearing, and the crystal.

I smile and let out a deep, triumphant chuckle.

"Bingo."

The big ol' crystal juts out of the ground at a bit of an angle, and even in the golden late afternoon sun, it sparkles and shimmers with a hearty lime green glow.

I head over and take a look at it. It's beautiful, but I have to bust it to get what's inside.

I lean forward and see what I can see. Down by the base, I see something that looks like a jar or a bottle.

Hm? Never seen that kind of thing before.

I growl, and take up a little power. It's starting to get easier.

Then, I step back and cock my fist far as it will go. My muscles tense up somethin' fierce, and I punch the crystal as hard as I can, leaning nice and deep into the strike.

"RRRAAAGGHH!"

A blinding green flash explodes out of the point of impact, and a massive thunderclap fills the air. The whole earth shakes, and a shockwave rips through the area, blowing back the trees and ripping up the grass and dirt.

I stand up, shake off my hand, and watch the dust settle.

The crystal has shattered, and a clear glass bottle, with a cork stopper, rests in the crater.

I walk over and pick it up. Inside is some kind of green liquid. It bubbles like a soda, a glows like Zazel's drink that made me trip balls.

I pop the cork, and the smell hits me like a truck and I push it away from my face. It reeks like bleach and lemon, and it makes my face scrunch harder than anything I've ever experienced, including the all the crazy chemicals I used to work with back at the factory.

What the fuck? The hell is this shit?

I close my eyes and call up the voice in the Hero Pendant.

Hey, Pendant! What is this crap?

The familiar glowing symbols appear, and the weird language starts chattering.

THE ITEM IS A BOTTLE OF MAGIC SERUM. CONSUMING A SINGLE DOSE -APPROXIMATELY A QUARTER OF THE FLUID- EMPOWERS YOUR NEXT SPELL TO AN EXCEPTIONAL DEGREE.

Wow, the perfect find for the guy who can't use magic. Unfuckingbelievable.

I open my eyes and cork the bottle. Well, maybe Althea and Zazel can make use of this-

A little movie flashes in my mind. I see Zazel greedily chugging the whole thing and laughing like a maniac as she turns the world into cheese.

Or maybe just Althea.

I examine the green liquid some more. Sure are a lot of green drinks on this world. But magic-boosting stuff might be good if we get tangled up in a bad situation. Now I just gotta make sure it doesn't break while I'm jumping around.

I try to slip the bottle into my pocket, but I remember that the bottom half of my jacket was melted off and my jeans were totally burned away, so I put it the little chest pocket where I normally keep my shades.

Okay, where to next? I saw two other crystals last night, but I think they're kinda far from here. And I'm not even totally sure which way is home.

I scan around a bit, trying to get my bearings. But I don't see shit but trees, and the sun starting to dip below them. I only have a sense of what direction I came from.

Shit, I have almost no idea where I am! If I could just see over these dumbass trees- Oh, yeah!

I take a deep breath and draw on my power again; it heats me up like lava flowing through a bunch of pipes.

As long as I don't overdo it...

I squat for a second, tense my muscles, then jump straight up. I shoot into the air, but instead of being launched like a missile, it's more like getting bounced up on some super powerful trampoline.

"Yeah, let's go!"

I clear the canopy in a second, and I quickly hit the top of my jump and hang in the air for a moment. I see the treetops spreading out every which way, terminating in a sea of green grass. In the distance, I catch a little glimpse of a bright blue light.

Found ya!

I start falling and the world turns into a blur.

Here we fucking go! Gotta land on my feet this time!

I slam back into the ground, sending up a spray of soil, sticks, and other crap. I'm flat on my back, and the impact rattles my bones and nearly knocks the wind out of me.

I growl, and the pain disappears. I roll onto my feet, and shake my head.

Damn, that sucked. But I almost got it, and it didn't hurt too bad.

I wipe the pine needles, dirt, and squashed mushrooms sticking to my ass and back as I ponder a bit on how to make this work. Soon enough, I get another stupid idea.

Well, shit. That's as good of a plan as any, I guess.

I head to the treeline, and draw up some power until I'm feeling pretty goddamned hot under the collar.

"UUURRRGGGHHH!!"

I crouch a bit, tense up, and blast forward in a mad sprint.

"ARRRGGHCOMEOOOOONNNN!!!"

I sprint through the grove in a blink, then I jump as hard as I can.

I sail through the air like I was shot out of a catapult. The trees rush past me like a green river below, and I feel like I'm being sucked toward the field -my destination- in the distance.

It's working! I'm practically flying!

Then, I begin to lose altitude and then I start to really get an idea of how fast I'm actually going as the grass starts rushing toward and under me.

Shit! Shit!

I reach in, flip a little switch, and I get another head rush. The movie that is my cruel, stupid life is paused for a second, giving me just barely enough time to brace myself properly for impact. The play button gets pushed, and just before I hit the ground, and I shield myself. I land on my feet, but my momentum forces me into a tornado of a somersault, and I roll across the grass like a loose barrel on a suicide mission.

When I finally come to a stop, I'm in the middle of the field. I'm pretty much totally covered in grass, dirt, and little sticks, but I'm okay. Basically.

Okay, that was better. That was definitely better. Still kinda stupid, but better.

I take a few deep breaths, then sit and take a look around. It's a huge, open space with a small, thin stream running through it.

Shit. But if I fine tune it just a bit more, maybe...

Like an astronaut on the moon training to be the first Lunar stuntman, I leap and roll and leap and roll over and over again, checking the crystal's position and changing up my direction as I move along.

I'm definitely getting better, and I'm almost able to enjoy the process as I pass over the nature of Astraea with every huge leap.

After a few dozen attempts, I finally have something that looks like a method, and I have a pretty good hang of it by the time I land near the big blue car-sized crystal, which is sticking out the side of a knoll.

"Alright, you bastard!"

I get in a nice, tight stance, and wind up my punch.

"DIE!!!"

There's a bright flash, a deafening bang, and then the crystal bursts apart and falls in shards all over the place.

"Hell yeah! Fuckin' score!"

But as I lean in and sift through the destruction, I can't see anything there.

"What?"

I spread, scatter, and kick the remains of the crystal. But no dice.

"YO, WHAT THE FUCK!? THIS IS-"

I'm hit with a quick, strange wave of energy that feels like a bunch of electric ants, fleas, and roaches speeding up from my feet to my head, and I get a quick whiff of some kind of really strong chemical.

"The fuck?" I pat myself and sniff like a dog, trying figure out what just assaulted me.

I check the crystal again. There's still nothing inside, and the chunks have lost their blue color and glow. "Yo, this is bullshit! That crystal was fucking cursed or some shit!"

I close my eyes. Pendant! What the hell was that!?

The void lights up with symbols and the voice speaks. YOU HAVE ACQUIRED A DIVINE BLESSING: INSECTICIDE BLAST.

Insecticide Blast!?

A ONE-TIME USE DIVINE BLESSING. CALLING FORTH THE POWER OF THIS BLESSING WILL ALLOW YOU TO SPRAY A DENSE CLOUD OF A HIGHLY TOXIC COMPOUND WHICH EFFECTIVELY DISPATCHES ALL INSECTS. CAUSES DYSPNEA AND DERMATITIS IN MOST OTHER NON-INSECT CREATURES.

That's fucking worthless! I'm going up against bots and cultists, not bugs!

It doesn't reply.

I open my eyes, and now I'm seeing red and my piss is starting to boil.

"USELESS PIECE OF SHIT!"

With my bare feet I start stomping the shit out of the remains of the crystal. I can feel it crack and chip away as I pulverize it.

"FUCKIN' WORTHLESS ROCK!"

I stomp and stomp and stomp, grunting and growling with each crushing blow until it becomes gravel under my feet.

"There! Teach you to give me stupid shit!"

I stand there for a while breathing hard and fast as sweat rolls down my face.

Not going home until I get a good one! Where's the other!?

Like an animal on the hunt, my eyes dart here and there, trying to catch that glimmer of red from last night as the sun slips below the horizon.

Fuckin' where!?

There. Far across the field, tucked in the foothills of some mountains. I can see the crimson-orange glow from here. Despite being wrapped up the storm of my determined anger, I get a strange feeling like this one is really important. And strangely familiar.

It's a long-ass distance, but there ain't shit but grass in my way. A straight shot.

"Better give me somethin' good, bitch!"

I let out a huge roar into the air like a pissed-off animal on the warpath, my scream completely wiping away the peace and quiet of Astraean dusk. In an explosion of fire, blitz across the plains like a burning missile, carving a trail of fury into the ground as I burn everything I touch.

I can see it, a giant pillar of crimson-orange light. I know that's it.

I growl and pour on more speed, my whole body is aflame and I'm burning through energy as the field narrows, a valley funneling me to the foot of the mountain.

"GIVE IT TO ME, GODDAMMIT!!"

The red pillar grows closer, and a feeling like I'm about to burst starts to spread across my chest as I reach the foothills.

But something's not right.

I stop, my feet plowing up dirt as I pump the breaks.

That ain't no crystal.

Sitting nestled up on the belly of the mountains, where the foothills end, is a massive black construct. Its gnarled black iron fringes jut and spike out from it and its wild, jagged maze of ramparts, and its many windows glowing with the same sick red radiance that flares out from it like cursed candlelight.

An inkling of fear tickles my heart from underneath all my indignation. This place. I know this place.

Memories play back in my mind. The assault. The Knights. The Spawn. The Bastards. The ambush.

This place! I know this fucking place!

Zazel's head gets pierced. Althea's magic doesn't work. Neither does mine. Snake eyes. The towering black figure. The blade. The cannon. The fire. The pain.

The castle of death calls me, and I've gotta answer. 'Cause motherfuckers've gotta pay!