Ferdie and the Elementals

I storm down the mountain without a word. I don't know where I'm gonna get more clothes, I don't know which way my house is, and I have no fucking idea what I'm going to do next.

There's only thing I know for sure: I want off this goddamned mountain.

The sky is a solid, dull grey, and the fog thickens the closer to the ground I get.

Kicking up dirt and pebbles as a go, I stomp ahead, leaving the two shouting and squawking Elementals behind me. I ain't in the mood for company.

I never thought Althea would leave. Never even considered the possibility. After all that big fucking talk about God and order and duty, she ups and leaves after just one fuck up. Fucking hypocritical bitch.

The fog gets thicker, but I don't care. Fists clenched, I stomp down the mountain, barely noticing as I step on bits of broken iron and smoldering embers here and there.

Fuck her. I don't need her or her stupid ass knights or retarded frilly-ass lawyers. All she does is bitch and complain about everyone's behavior and gets on my ass for making use of the best shot we have to smash the Limp Dicks. And what's your big idea, Althea? What's your mighty gambit to crush the army of robots and and cultists? You gonna lecture them to death? Heal them until they beg for mercy? Let them hit your shield until they give up and go home? Maybe you should pray to God for a new brain, dumbass.

"Hey, Beautiful! Wait up!" Raelith yells, her voice echoing through the fog.

"I demand that you slow down immediately, you naked cretin!" Yells Zazel, her voice carrying less than Raelith's.

Whatever. I'm better off without her. If she's not around, I can fight the way I want without getting nagged at every two seconds. Plus, I don't have to listen to her and Zazel bicker and argue every two fucking seconds. I need some fucking peace in my life.

I keep stomping, ignoring the cries of the birds and other critters around me, and blocking out the increasingly noisy-ass Elementals tailing me. I stomp all the way down the mountain and keep going as the foothills meld into the misty, grassy plains.

My mind races, and my body heats up. I can see Althea in my mind, clear as day. Her beautiful, angelic face is scrunched and scowling, her eyes flickering and her hammer pointed right at me. She's telling me that I'm wrong, and I'm dangerous. I'm a threat. A monster. I can feel the anger and resentment radiating from her.

My fists are clenched, and I'm practically grinding my teeth down to dust. I'm grinding them so hard, it feeling like the earth is rumbling.

Wait, that's not my teeth.

Grinding dirt as I twist around, I see Zazel riding full bore on her Butt Slug and Raelith standing on some big metal thing that looks like a spiky iron raft with wheels. She jerks her arms here and there as she steers it with something that looks like an over-sized gearshift.

Huh? Where the hell did she get... A car?

My anger and inner turmoil go on the back burner as I watch and wait for the two of them catch up with me.

"Yo, Raelith," I shout, "where'd you get a car?"

"Eh? What's a 'car'?"

"The thing you're riding."

"Oh, this?" Her smile melts a little. "It is a war machine. I made it with my magic."

"Your magic?"

"Yes, I have a spell that allows me to make constructs of war, but," her smile melts completely, "this was the best I could manage with- With my current level of power..."

Don't tell me she's gonna start crying. "Yeah, but, um, I think it's pretty good! I mean, it's got wheels and everything, right?" I look back at the Slug. "Shit, it's a lot better than... Whatever the hell that is."

"Hey! These are my babies!" Zazel snarls childishly. "Though, I could make something even more glorious than this, but you killed almost all of my little preciouses, and you haven't replaced any of them yet!" She points one of her sharp black nails at me. "I demand recompense, you sausage!"

"Shit. We do need more Thralls, I guess. I killed all of Raelith's Bastards too."

Raelith's face scrunches confusedly. "Bastards? What Bastards?"

"You know, your little dumbass metal goblin-looking things that you had shooting and throwing all that shit at me. I guess they were your Thralls, yeah?"

She laughs. "Yes, they skewered you beautifully."

"Yeah, well, it wasn't beautiful to me. That shit hurt."

She shrugs, a smug smile sneaking onto her face. "Such is the way of battle. But I quite like this 'Bastard' thing you've come up with. Or maybe, War Bastard is better. Yes, that's it. Adds a bit of meat to it."

"Tch. Call 'em whatever you want. Anyway, I guess we need to make more of them. No rest for the fucking weary."

"Hmph," Zazel snorts, "don't pretend like you don't enjoy the process. My understanding is that you humans really can't get enough of that sort of thing. And it definitely shows when-"

"I am not talking about this right now. And nobody is gettin' nothin' until I've had some jerky and some fucking rest. I haven't slept in almost five days, and I deserve a catnap, at the very least. Even if I can't sleep, want to pretend to sleep."

Raelith makes a confused noise. "Why can't you sleep?"

"I dunno. I don't really feel tired most of the time, maybe because of my powers. But I miss sleeping; it's weird being awake all the time." I shrug. "But, I'm not gonna think about that right now, because I'm going home, taking a bath, and having a fucking nap. In fact, I think I'll take it easy for a while and ride with Raelith."

"What about me, brisket? Is my steed not glorious enough for the great Hero?"

I look at the slimy, tar-like creature, and my face tightens as I see the dozens of amber-yellow eyes shifting around just under its gelatinous skin. Each time one shifts to another part it makes a gelatinous, meaty sound that makes my stomach churn slightly.

Raelith nods at me as I sit down on her little land raft.

"Pearls before swine," Zazel scoffs.

We ride for a bit, and we don't talk much. But the time passes fast enough to be enjoyable, or at least not stressful. After a few minutes, the mist and fog start to lift, and I see something that takes my mind off of Althea for a while: a whole bunch of different animals running around. And I'm not talking about the tiny insects, rodents, and birds that I've come across already, but real big mammals like the ones I used to look at in my parents' old animal encyclopedia.

I spent my short childhood on my farm, and like my parents, I've been a fan of animals ever since I can remember. I feel a nostalgic, childlike sense of wonder and amazement with each new little creature we ride past. I don't really get a good look at most of them, because they're small and we're fast, but it's fun all the same.

But I almost jump up from my seat when I spot few tall, giraffe-like creatures with long necks with glossy white fur. There are about five of them moseying around and eating little purple fruits from a cluster of trees. I'm pretty impressed by how clean and shiny and their fur is and by the long, pointy horn on each of their heads.

"Holy shit! Zazel, Raelith, take a look at those big fuckers over there!"

"I have eyes, too, egg! And I would preserve them by not staring at that garish white color of theirs!"

"Yeah, and they are too lean," Raelith adds, "the meat would be chewy and tasteless."

My jaw drops. "What? No. Fuck. You gotta appreciate the majesty of animals like that! They're huge, graceful, and beautiful!"

"Beautiful? What about you appreciates beauty?" Zazel sneers. "You, who is always covered in dirt and blood and who is constantly spouting profanities?"

"Whatever."

At one point, two of them gently cross horns for a moment, and then look our way. They watch us roll past them for a moment before they take off galloping, their silvery manes trailing and waving beautifully in the air behind them.

Mom and dad would have loved to see those things.

At another point, a couple dozen flying creatures swoop over our heads, making strange, playful mewling sounds as they fly past us. They about the size of a small dog or a big house cat, with long thick tails, bright red, green, orange, or purple fur, and large, feathery wings.

They look like cats with wings. No, maybe dogs. Or dog-cats. Or bears. Little bears with long tails, chicken wings and dog ears. Shit, I dunno.

They fly in circles around us at a safe distance and make funny little noises that sound like a house cat snickering. This goes on for a little while, with some landing occasionally to enjoy a quick burst of horseplay before taking off again.

They look like mammals, but they have bird wings. Do they lay eggs, or have babies?

"UGH! Vile pests," Raelith roars, "you dare make a mockery of us!?"

Before I can even open my mouth, she summons and hurls a huge-ass, spiky iron morning star into the mass of them. They're quick little bastards, though, and they scatter and take off in a panicked explosion of fur and feathers before the enormous weapon even hits the ground.

Zazel bursts out laughing from on top her slimy ride. "Glorious, my dear little sister! I was just about to do something myself!"

"Fuck that," I say, "they're adorable! Raelith, you didn't have to do that."

"I did," she says flatly, "I will not tolerate any amount of psychological warfare levied against us by even the most pathetic and crushable of creatures!"

"Dude, I think they were just playing."

"This time, perhaps."

We continue to ride through the now-lush and colorful plains and fields, making what at least feels like good progress. However, we don't spot any more animals. But just when I think Raelith spooked away every living thing on Astraea, I spot something near the treeline of a thick grove of purple trees.

Whoa, those are some big boys!

The furry mint-green creatures, each about as big as van, nibble lazily at the nearby grass and bushes. They look a hell of a lot like guinea pigs, but they have floppy dog-like ears, and thick tufts of wavy white hair on their chests, and fluffy white tails that bob and curls like crazy.

They're pretty damned cute. But I'd better keep my mouth shut or else Raelith might-

"Hey, Beautiful! I've spotted our dinner!" Raelith makes a sharp turn toward the herd, causing me to almost fall of our ride.

"Raelith, what the fuck, wait!" I shout as I sit back up. She's already rolling toward the big guinea pig things. I look back at Zazel, and she's grinning like a maniac.

Oh fuck.

The creatures hear us coming -how could they fucking not- and slowly raise and turn their heads toward us, still chewing away. Then, in the flash an eye, the whole gaggle of them blast into the treeline and out of view, kicking up a shit ton of soil and grass and knocking down an bunch of trees in the process. We skid to a halt, and watch the last of them disappear into the forest.

"Curse it all!" shouts Raelith, throwing aside some kind of huge sword. "If I still had all of my power, I would have skewered and cooked them all in a single strike!"

I sigh. "Yeah, well you don't. And I don't want dress and butcher some huge fucking animals in the middle of nowhere anyway, especially when we have perfectly good food waiting for us at home."

"I suppose the egg makes a reasonable point for once," Zazel chimes in, "and I quite prefer my own snacks. The taste of meat is too monotonous to be enjoyable in such a massive volume."

Raelith spits, and turns around the land raft.

As we roll along in relative silence, I calm down and relax a bit. As my stress levels go from boil to simmer, I start to feel a little hungry.

Although it would be totally fucked to kill such cute animals for food, I love jerky, but it would be nice to try something fresh for a change. At least if I hunted the animal myself, I would know where the hell it's coming from, unlike the jerky and weird-ass appetizers from my infinite pantry.

I'm sure as hell not gonna complain about free meat; the jerky sure tastes great. But something tells me that it isn't just plain ol' cow.

Almost as if mirroring the animals, the natural environment shows signs of evolution and progress, and it's starting to actually look like a real, legit world instead some sort of flat, uninspired hyper-realistic video game. It's becoming properly beautiful; more lush and colorful.

Beautiful as it is, though, I stop appreciating it about thirty minutes after the assault on the green guinea pigs when we have to to find a detour around a stupid-ass marsh that wasn't there before. That annoying piece of shit aside, Raelith's janky ride proves to be dependable enough, and by the time we spot my house sitting cozily in a grove on the horizon, the sun is still high above our heads.

Finally. I can eat some jerky and get some booze in me. Can't even get buzzed these days, but it's the thought that-

Raelith warps a huge glowing red iron hammer into her hand as hits the 'gas' hard. "Beautiful! An interloper lays siege on your estate! We will make them bleed!"

I snap back to attention and squint toward my place as we speed forward. Sure as shit, it looks like some one is over there, fucking with my house. "What the fuck? Are the Limp Dicks-"

"Hey!" Zazel's voice fades as we leave her in the dust. "What are you idiots-!"

"SMASH AND CRUSH!" Raelith roars, shaking her over-sized hammer. "SMAAASH AND CRUUUSH!"

As we get closer, I get a better look at the trespasser, and realize it's not a robot, or a cultist. It's a person. A woman. And she's not fucking with my house. She's sweeping the little cobblestone path leading up to it.

"Hey," I say to Raelith, "I don't think-"

"YOU WILL KNOW PAIN!"

The woman stops sweeping and looks our way.

"Hold up! I don't think she's an enemy!"

"RRRAAHHH!"

The purple-haired woman's eyes widen and her jaw drops as we close the distance. She drops her broom and scrambles away like a frightened cat.

"Yo, stop!" I shout, clutching at Raelith's driving arm.

"I AM THE HAMMER!" She screams. "AND YOU ARE THE NAIL!" Raelith swings her pig crusher wide, and I brace for a brutal splattering, but the lady dives, and the mass of destruction passes over her with a heavy, but harmless 'woosh'.

The woman stays on the ground, ass in the air, covering her head and cowering. We pass by her and hit a huge pothole. Raelith's jankass contraption tips and launches me into the air. I land on the grass a few feet away and watch the metal wagon tumble, bounce, and skid a dozen meters, sending up dirt, grass and metal shavings all the way. It comes to a rest, and Raelith stands up on it and raises her hammer in the air.

"VICTORY WILL BE MINE!" Raelith bursts forward in mad sprint, hammer trailing through the air above her as she charges back.

The woman, who is dressed in a purple maid's uniform, looks at Raelith, and the haphazard mess of twisted steel and bent iron. Her face is the very definition of cowardice. She then suddenly turns her attention to me, looking up her bright emerald green eyes wide and flickering as she takes me in.

"M-Master!?"

"RAAAGGHHH!" Raelith ain't stopping.

I push myself up and run between them. The woman keeps backing away, quivering and clutching her chest, but the muscles-for-brains Elemental keeps pounding toward us.

"RAELITH, STOP!"

The Elemental of War skids to a halt, staring at me in utter confusion. "Huh?"

I point to the woman. "Chill! She's gonna have a heart attack if you keep that shit up!"

"Hm?" Raelith studies the woman, her face twisting as she apparently does kind of hard, demented math in her head. "Hmph," she frowns and dismisses her hammer with a little blink of red light. "How many cowards must I endure this day?"

The quivering mess, stands, folds her hands in front of herself, puts her legs together, and bows deeply toward Raelith. "I-I-I apologize for any perceived offense! I am truly, truly sorry! Please don't hurt me!"

Raelith spits.

I turn back to the maid, who straightens up and bows again. "Okay, lady. Who-"

Zazel arrives on her Butt Slug, sliding to a halt. "What are you absolute creatures doing!? How dare you horde all the fun for yourselves!" She slides off her gooey mount and points a finger at the maid. "And you! Who are you, and under what pretense-"

"Cool your jets, Zazel. I was just asking her," I turn back to the woman. "So? Who the hell are you?"

The purple-haired woman bows deeply again, and stays that way. "I am sorry, Master! And to you as well, Madam!" She turns to Raelith. "And you, Madam!"

I raise eyebrow. "Why are you calling me 'Master'? I don't remember havin' no slaves."

She stands up straight again, and looks at me. "Indeed, for I am no slave. I am Domina, the Elemental of House and Home, Master! I am here to assist you in all things domestic!"