Ferdie and the Elementals

I stare at the strange, purple-haired woman. She's decked out in a cute, but professional maid outfit that matches her hair, aside from her apron and the frilly little hairband thing that maids on their heads and her apron, which are white.

Her apron is loaded with pockets, which are stuffed to the gills with every imaginable household item and utensil: a duster, a whisk, a ladle, a spatula, a bunch of rags, a hammer, a screwdriver, a wrench, a bunch of bottles, a small broom, a box of matches, some scissors, a tape measure, and a slew of other things that I can't quite make out.

She looks at me with a smile on her face and her bright green eyes shining. I look over my shoulder at the others. Raelith shrugs, and Zazel strokes her chin thoughtfully.

"Her green eyes suggest she has a Neutral alignment," Zazel says, "but what is she doing here? Althea, Raelith, and I are the only ones you've Released so far, yes?"

I nod. "Yeah, that's what I'm wondering. So, what's your story?"

"It's quite a simple one. I am a purpose-made Elemental who has been created by God to manage the mundane, day-to-day affairs of the Hero. That's you, Master!"

"Yeah, yeah, I got that part."

"Wait," Zazel interjects, "why are did you not appear until just now? And why didn't you have to be Released?"

"Excellent questions, Madam. In truth, I have been here only since a short time before the Hero arrived, as per our Lord's desire. However, due to the lack of mana at that time, I could not maintain the Hero's home as well as a corporeal form for myself."

"Hmm.. That is interesting. Most interesting." A sick little smile forms on her face as she thoughtfully fingers her cheek.

"As for your your other insightful question," Domina continues, "I am not a Reservoir and thus not bound to a Domain, therefore, I do not require Release."

Zazel nods slowly. "I see. The Elemental of House and Home, eh?"

"Indeed, Madam. I exist to make Master comfortable and happy in his home and his daily life."

"And you say God created you for this task?"

"Yes, Madam." Domina bows. "It is my greatest pleasure to serve my Master."

"Ah, I see." Zazel's smirk widens. "How truly interesting."

Domina smiles at her. "I'm glad to hear that, Madam."

"So," I cut in, "you've been here the entire time, but I couldn't see you until now."

"That's right, Master! I was doing as much I could for you in my incorporeal form, such as repairs, cleaning, and restocking."

"Huh. I just thought all that was because it was a magic house or something. I never would have guessed an Elemental was refilling my jerky supply."

"Yes, that was me, Master! And, now that I have a body, I can do even more for you!"

Raelith snorts and Zazel stifles a laugh.

"So, Domina, is it?"

Domina nods vigorously. "That's right, Master. And I will call you 'Master', unless you prefer something else."

"Uh, no, that's fine." I scratch the back of my head, and look around. "So, you have been keeping up with my house while we were gone, right?"

"Indeed, Master! Your home is sparkling, the pantry is full, and I have even made a few improvements, such as enlarging your house to accommodate you and the others!"

I look over to my place, and realize it has gotten a lot bigger and nicer looking since we were gone. It looks a lot like that old house from Home Alone, but more like some old timey inn, or maybe a like a smaller version of one of those mansions from the British romances my mom used to watch.

"Huh, it does look a bit nicer now. Thanks."

"You're quite welcome, Master! It was my pleasure! And now that you are all back, I would love to make you all a fresh meal! You must be hungry and tired."

I smile. "Add some booze to the mix, and I'm down."

---

The inside of my revamped pad is crazy fancy now. The entrance has a foyer -a word Domina teaches me- with a polished wooden floor that's partly covered by a huge red rug. There's a fancy staircase that leads upstairs to the bedrooms and a big dining room to my left.

We go into the dining area, and my eyes immediately shoot to fat, fancy plate of dried meats and cheeses on the a long dining table. I grab a fistful and shove it in my mouth. It's really fucking good, and a few notches better than my usual jerky.

The place has a bunch of nice wooden chairs that are padded with fluffy-looking cushions, a fireplace, a bunch of cabinets, and a massive table covered in a white table cloth.

Zazel and Raelith file in behind me, and the three of us plop down in one of the cozy chairs, and we all take a huge sigh of relief. Feels nice to sit on something soft.

In seconds, Domina returns from the kitchen and bows to us. "All is in order, and I will prepare lunch now."

My stomach rumbles. "Shit, yeah, I'm totally ready."

Zazel and Raelith nod and make noises of agreement.

Domina smiles at me and then looks at the others. "Madam Chaos would have... Her personal snacks, wine, and mixed hors d'oeuvres."

Zazel smiles. "Yes, quite so."

Domina looks at Raelith. "...Ale and roast haunch -extra rare- for Madam War, yes."

Raelith raises an eye brow for a second, then smiles and nods.

"And Master will have more dried meats and cheeses... As well as the strongest alcoholic beverage we have."

I blink. "Uh, yeah. How did you know?"

Domina smiles. "I am the Elemental of House and Home, Master. I am familiar with the Hero's tastes, and indeed all members of this household."

"Nice. I like you already."

"Thank you, Master." Domina bows politely, then claps her hands five times in a row. On the final clap, there are five little flares of dull purple light, and five perfect clones of the Elemental appear.

"Oh, shit." I mutter.

"Okay, team," She shouts to her other selves, her voice deepening like she's some kind of coach or drill sergeant from a movie, "the Hero and his allies need sustenance and they need it on the double! We're also gonna need to prepare a bath." She snaps a finger at the one furthest back. "And you! Fetch a robe for the Hero! Would you have our Master eat his meal naked?"

"Boss!" The five clones shout in unison as the turn and march to the kitchen with military precision.

I whistle, and Zazel and Raelith both nod. We sit back and relax and enjoy our tea and snacks.

I lean back and close my eyes. A hot bath and a nice, home-cooked meal. Now that's what the fuck I'm talkin' about.

---

I’ve always loved my mom's cooking, but I have to be honest with myself: Domina beats her by a mile. Everything she brings out, from the appetizers to the main course and the desserts, are pretty much the best food I've ever had. It looks even better than the food I saw on that reality show about the that fatass rich family from Central.

Zazel's plate looks like a rainbow of food served on a sparkling silver dish, and Raelith's savory red haunch of whatever the hell kind of animal she wrangled is as mouth-watering as it is huge.

I ask Raelith for some and she gives me this how-fucking-dare-you look before reluctantly ripping off a piece and tossing it across the table to me.

I snatch it out of the air and take a bite. I can't remember the last time I had fresh meat, -it's too expensive and even illegal in a lot of places back on Earth- but it tastes savory and fresh. I love it, even if it's tough as hell.

Just as I finish my second cup of red wine -still not so much as a buzz- Domina emerges from the back, cradling a small barrel in her arms. She sets it on the table, and I realize it's a little keg.

"Domina, what's that?"

"Beer, Master. It's the strongest I have available."

"Hmm. What is it?"

"It's an alcoholic beverage made from grains, Master."

"I know that. But what is the beer? Like, what kind?"

"It is a dark, malty brew, Master. A highly concentrated lager."

"Hm." I don't know shit about beer. "Might as well; this wine don't do shit for me."

She places the little barrel on the table and pulls a big, shiny glass mug from the depths of her apron.

I hold up my hand. "Fuck it. I'mma drink it straight from the keg."

"As you wish." She takes a little tap and a hammer from her pocket and taps the keg without any apparent effort.

She places it in front of me, and I lift the cold, heavy thing, and take a swig.

"Holy shit!"

It's cold and thick, but refreshing. It's malty and rich, and kinda bitter and spicy. And it's got a kick. A big kick.

"This is the best booze I've ever drank! And it's damn strong. No way am I gonna be sober after I finish this."

As lift the barrel and suck on the tap, I catch Zazel giving me a naughty, sneaky look.

"You know, brisket," she says, fingering a weird triangle-shaped fruit, "if you really want to lose yourself for a while, I could always make my special concoction again."

I furrow my brow and narrow my eyes at her as I continue to drain the barrel. I wait until I'm sucking air, then I plop the barrel down on the table. "Hell no! Ain't doin' that shit ever again." I wipe my lips and cough. "Damn, that's some strong-ass drink right there."

Zazel smiles, and Raelith, having already eaten most of her meal, leans back in her chair and belches loud and long before going back in to finish it off. Zazel shakes her head and laughs, and Domina smiles at the big Elemental.

As we feast, we make a bunch of small talk, mostly about the animals we saw earlier. There's a friendly little debate about how each one would taste and which one would make the best pet. But there's one animal that no one wants to talk about: the elephant in the room, Althea.

There are few empty chairs in the room, and Althea should be sitting in one of them, telling us to chew with our mouths closed and to hold off on the booze. But no one brings her up, and, at least for now, I am completely fine with that. I am not nearly drunk enough to want to start talking about all that again. And, after a long ass time waiting for some sort of sensation, I realize I not going to be.

The booze isn't working. At all. A normal dude could get drunk off the fumes of that brew I guzzled. But for me, it might as well have been well water.

The Domina, almost as if sensing my mood slipping, gently steps forward leans in gently. "Master, your bath is ready. Perhaps you would like to go relax?"

I stand and stretch. "Shit, yeah. A nice, relaxing soak sounds good right about now."

"Excellent, Master. I will lead you to the bath. I believe you will be pleased with the renovations."

"Uh, sure."

Zazel and Raelith stand and do some stretching of their own.

"I will take mine after, I suppose." Zazel says.

"A bath, huh?" Raelith sounds like she's recalling some distant childhood memory. "I suppose it might be nice. Good for the muscles. Make mine extra hot!"

Domina eyes them, then me. I swear I almost see a smile creep up. "I'm quite pleased to serve you all in any way you wish, but with the new improvements to the bathroom, there is no need for you to bathe separately. Why not rejuvenate yourselves and spend a moment of bonding together? As allies, I mean."

Raelith sniffs. "Hmph. I suppose that sounds acceptable. What say you, Chaos?"

"Yes, yes, I agree. Besides, we must discuss a great number of things of import, and I would prefer to be relaxed while doing so. And we can make Thralls without our nostrils being assaulted by the usual stench."

"What? We don’t need to bathe together." I hold out my palms. "Can't a man get fifteen minutes alone?"

Zazel puts her hand on her hips and makes a face like she's trying not to reach out and punch me in the arm.

"Really? You can't wait for me to get clean before we talk?"

She scowls a bit more, then shakes her head. "Very well. But I will have my due recompense. You can't avoid making Thralls forever, especially with those Society people on the way."

"I just wanna take a bath without hearing motherfuckers lecture or squawk at me!" The anger is rumbling up again. I take a breath and push it down. "Domina, how about that bath?"

"Right this way, Master."

“Tch, you absolute egg.” scoffs Zazel. “At least be quick about it, then.”

Domina leads me up the staircase and down a hallway. I can barely recognize my own home, and I makes me wonder what will happen when I release all of the Elementals. Maybe it will turn into a huge compound, or maybe even a whole town.

"Here we are, Master. This is your new and improved bathroom!" She opens the door, and I peer in.

"Holy shit..."

The bathroom is bigger and more impressive that I could have ever imagined, especially the bath, which is more like an indoor pool than tub. There are also more fluffy towels and robes, and a huge, glistening mirror above a polished marble countertop.

"This is insane; I don't even know what to say!"

"Enjoy, Master," Domina says with a bow, "I'll be back with refreshments shortly." She shuts the door, leaving me alone.

I take off my robe, and I climb into the tub. It's already filled with steamy water, so there's no need to bother with the fancy-ass faucet or knobs.

I sink in, and it's just right. A wave of comfort rushes over me, like warm liquid blanket. I feel my muscles begin to relax almost as soon my ass hits the bottom. I lean back against the edge and let out the biggest sigh of my life.

Aside from when I was a little, when my mom would wash me in our big bucket behind the house, I can't remember the last time I had a bath. I've showered plenty, of course, within the stingy limits of the State's dumbass water allowances, but this is just out of this world. Or out of my world, I guess.

I relax and really take in the moment, and for the first time in a long time, my mind starts to slow down. I close my eyes and I gaze into the black behind my eyelids, and I begin to experience something that almost feels like sleep. I stare at all the the dim little lights and swirls that you can some times see when your eyes are shut. A white one pops up, and I think of Althea.

Goddamn it, woman, get out my head! Even when you're not here, you find a way to hassle me!

The bathroom door begins to creak and I open my eyes. Domina enters with a little wooden tray with a teapot and a cup on it.

"Master, would you care to try some of this herbal tea?"

"Tea? Yeah, why the hell not?"

Domina bows, then sets down the tray, picks up the pot and pours a steaming cup of tea. It's light brown, and smells sweet, like honey and flowers. She places it on a little stand right next to the bath.

I take a sip. "Hm, this ain't half-bad. Thanks, Domina."

She smiles and bows. "It is my duty and pleasure."

I give her a nod, and a weak little smile. Then I turn away, assuming she she's going to leave again. But she doesn't.

"Master," she says sweetly, "are you quite alright?"

I turn to her. Her head is tilted, and her face has concern written all over it.

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm good." I turn away from her and stare at the wall across the room. I'm a shitty liar.

Domina's feet shift slightly. "I can tell you are troubled, Master. And I am here to ease your troubles."

"Yeah, I know. But not all troubles can be eased. Some are just gonna exist."

I'm sure she pretty much filled in the blanks by now.

I sigh. "You probably noticed Althea didn't come back with us. Well, she got pissed at me and fuckin' split. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do, or even if I can win the war against the Limp Dicks at this rate. So, yeah, I got a lot on my mind. I just wanna take a bath in peace."

There is silence, and then I hear the sound of her shoes moving slowly on the floor. "Master, my primary function is to serve you in the capacity of domestic duties."

"Yeah, yeah. I heard you the first time."

"But, Master, although it is my duty to attend to your desires, I must also attend to your needs, especially when you are troubled. I would be remiss if I did not do everything in my power to ease the burden weighing on your mind."

I turn to her. "Look, I appreciate it, but-"

I'm not sure what stops me from brushing her off. Maybe it is the gentle, accepting look in her face, or maybe it is my increasing sense of desperation.

"I mean, shit, I dunno."

I remember my countless late night conversations with Kris. Before she joined up with the Limp Dicks and started to treat me like living shit, I used to talk about all of my issues with her. She was sometimes really insightful and gave pretty good advice. But even when she couldn't, even when there was nothing she could do to help me, I always felt better after a good talk with her.

Raelith and Zazel would talk with me if I asked them, but they're too wild to really take me seriously. Althea would definitely listen and give some sound advice, but she'd also lecture and judge the shit out of me. But what about Domina?

"Master, if you are not ready-"

"Wait, hold up."

She pauses and looks at me.

"I guess it would be good to talk to somebody for a change."

She nods. "I'm glad to hear that. Please, Master, go ahead. You can speak to me about anything."

I run her through pretty much everything I've been through during the past week, although she already knows quite a bit from having eavesdropped on us when she didn't have her body. I tell her about Althea, the magic contract, Zazel, the weird drink, my powers going batshit insane, and the recent drama on the mountain. I don't tell her about my past, or any of my dark secrets, but tell her about most everything else.

She listens to everything quietly and patiently, without interruption. There is not a hint judgment in her face at I fill her in, even at the nastier parts.

When I'm done, I feel better. A lot better. And I also feel kind of sleepy. I yawn and sink back into the tub and close my eyes again, and let the steamy air wash over me.

"Master," Domina says, "if I may?"

"Uh, yeah, go ahead."

"I believe that you are a good person, Master. But, I think it is fair to say that you are also somewhat of a troubled one as well."

"Yeah, maybe."

"I don't really think I can give you any good advice, but may I share an observation?"

"Hm. Why not?"

"There is something curious about you, Master. You seem to be very familiar with us Elementals, especially Order and Chaos. I can sense it in the way you speak and behave around us. It is almost as if you are an old friend, yet, at the same time, you keep us at arm's length."

I open my eyes and look at her. "Is that right?"

She nods, her purple locks swaying gently. "I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with it, but I can't help but wonder why that is."

I shrug. "I dunno."

"I know you wish to be closer to us, Master. We desire that as well, and we must work together very closely to stave off the coming threat, so I don't understand why you are placing arbitrary limits on us and yourself."

"Arbitrary limits? Like how?" I scratch my head. I'm not even sure I know what 'arbitrary' means.

"Well, for one, you don't make any attempt to learn anything about us on a personal level. It's always business."

I pause. "Huh, I guess you're right."

"And you do not share a bed with any us, even though you have been invited to do so many times, and you've only attempted thrall creation a couple of times. Is that not an arbitrary limit?"

"Uh..."

She smiles. "I'm sorry, but it is true, is it not?"

"Yeah, I guess it is." I shrug again. "I dunno."

"Do you see? I am certain Order had reason to be concerned by your power and actions, but I believe that the ultimate reason why she left your charge is because she did not trust you enough. Had you made an attempt to become closer to her, she may have shown more loyalty."

"Maybe, maybe not."

"You don't have to change if you don't wish to. However, I would urge you to consider whether or not your self-imposed limitations will help you in the coming days."

"I'll think about it."

"Please do, Master. You are the Hero, and we Elementals were made not just to create and build this world, but to be at your side. It is our highest calling to aid the Hero as he triumphs in all of his endeavors and ushers in a new world. So when you push us away, you deny us our purpose, our reason to be. Please consider that as well."

Her words cut kind of deep, and I sort of feel like I'm getting lectured by Althea again. But I can sense that Domina is coming from a good place. She listened to all of my shit, so I try to pay her back by being cool, but it's hard.

"Hm. You might have a point, I guess, but I have my reasons, alright?" I feel something stir in my chest.

"I know you do. Perhaps you would be willing to share them as well?"

"I dunno, maybe-" I cringe as a burst of painful memories about Kris rush through my head like an instantaneous avalanche. I sense my core acting up again, and the same, familiar heat threatens to burn me again.

"On second thought, Master, perhaps it would best to put that matter aside for now."

Her voice brings me back to reality, and I notice that the bath water around me is beginning to boil.

I take a couple of deep breaths, and push the rage back down. "Yeah, maybe we should call it quits."

"Of course, Master." She stands and bows deeply. "I have some clothes prepared for you; they are being brought here presently. I cannot emulate your previous style as I cannot find the necessary materials, but I think you will be pleased with what I have made."

The water has stopped boiling. "Uh, yeah. Thank you."

She bows again and turns to leave.

"Seriously, thank you. I haven't- I haven't been able to clear my mind like that for a long time. And I will think about what you said. There's a war to fight, and maybe I should do more to keep us all together."

"I know you will do what is best, Master."

She leaves the room, and I close my eyes again. I try to relax, but my core is still ebbing. I can feel it humming inside as it seems to grow and shrink again and again.

I'm kinda getting sick of this shit. I want my old heart back.

I hear a dull roar inside my head, as if I'm surrounded by an inferno in burning building.

DON'T GET SOFT ON ME, PUSSY! YOU AIN'T GOT TIME TO PLAY NICE WITH YOUR WHORES!

Shut up! Get the fuck out my head, asshole!

OH, BELIEVE ME, I TAKE NO PLEASURE IN BEING AROUND YOUR WEAK PANSY ASS.

Keep talkin' shit! I was still strong enough to keep you from fucking things up!

YOU STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND A GODDAMNED THING, DO YOU? THE MORE YOU TRY TO FIGHT ME, THE MORE YOU TRY TO KEEP ME IN THE BACKSEAT, THE STRONGER I GET. BUT KEEP BEING A RETARD IF YOU WANT. I'LL BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO SHOW YOU WHAT HAPPENS! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

"FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!!"

I open my eyes. I'm standing in the middle the bath, fists raised and burning. Steam is rising from my body, and the water boils at my feet. I can still hear the echo of that asshole's laughter.

I lower my dukes, shake my head, and sigh. "I gotta get a grip on this shit..."