Gacha Gacha Hero

Ash, Luke, and Ave were standing next to their tarpans in the middle of the woods. They held their hands in the air.

“We don’t want any trouble.” Luke said.

“That is too bad. For I am afraid that it is trouble you have made and trouble that we have found.”

The man that was speaking was standing in front of them holding a sword pointed at Luke’s chest. He was in his mid fifties with a lean body and a narrow face. His hair was slicked back and cut close to his neck. There was gray at the edges of his temples and his beard. He kept his shoulders back and his chin up. His strong arm kept his blade steady as he spoke.

He wore a chain shirt with a stylized sun on the front, and a green cloak wrapped around his shoulders. His sword was tapered at the point but then flared out dramatically just before the hilt. A blue gemstone could be seen sparkling on the pommel. The same sparkle was reflected in the man’s eyes.

“I said to myself this morning, I said ‘How strange it is that there should be so many Royal Guards out and about, searching the countryside like hounds on the chase of a hare.” He continued speaking. “I said ‘This smells of danger.’ Did I not?”

“You did sir.” came the reply.

Two other strangers were standing behind him.

The first was a short man with a green scarf and a large coil of rope worn around his waist like a belt. He held a miniature airbow in one hand. A three finned metal dart could be seen glittering at the tip.

The other was a taller woman with a green bandana. She had thick arms covered with a spiderweb of tiny scars from her shoulders down to her knuckles. She was picking her nails with a knife. More knives were holstered on her shoulders, biceps, and forearms.

The green cloaked man continued. “That’s right. And so I said ‘For the good of the Kingdom, the Kingdom you know, we should go and we should investigate. Never know what danger might be waiting nearby.’ Isn’t that right.”

“Too right sir.” the man with the dart replied.

“Thank you Less. And so here we are. And here you are. Creeping through the woods like guilty little groundhogs. This requires, Investigation! Lamb!”

“Hrrrm?” The woman looked up.

“Tie them up good and tight. We need to question them.” the man ordered.

Lamb put away her knife. She pulled a cord of rope off of Less’s belt and walked over to Luke. With a firm grip she began to tie his wrists together.

“Sorry, who are you?” Luke tried to shake off his confusion.

The man slapped his forehead. “Oh yes. Forgive me.” He took a step back and made a flourish with his cloak and sword. “I am Gilt Homage. Ennoble Paladin Divinitist.”

“Great…” Ave hissed through her teeth. “Paladins…”

“Is that bad?” Ash whispered to her.

“Nobody likes Paladins.” She whispered back.

Ash nodded at Luke. “Is that true?”

Luke held up his tied hands as an exaggerated example.

The Paladin continued his introduction. “Order of the frozen flame. Follower of the cerulean tortoiseshell. Champion of the Kingdom and loyal mouthpiece of the Gods.” He bowed.

Ash whispered.

“What was that?” Gilt spun around.

“Nothing. Uh, excuse my friends good sir. Nice to meet you.” Luke smiled.

“Very well. And you are?” asked Gilt.

“My name is…” Luke paused. He noticed Ash and Ave frantically shaking their heads in unison. “My name is…” Luke looked around at his kidnappers. “It’s… Belt… Trousers…”

“Belt Trousers?” Gilt asked.

“Yup.” Luke smiled wider.

“A common name for someone of such… aristocratic bearing.” Gilt rubbed his pointy chin.

Lamb moved over and started looping a rope around Ash’s body.

“So what are Paladins?” Ash butted in.

“They’re…” Luke started.

“We are noble warriors dedicated to spreading the divine vision of the Gods around the world.” Gilt jumped in.

“Which gods?” Ash asked.

“All of them.” Gilt replied.

“Really?”

“Yes really.”

“Name one.”

“What?”

“Name a god. Any god. I’ll wait.”

Gilt looked at Luke. “Who is this? Your manservant?” He waved a hand at Ash.

“Hey!” Ash shouted.

“Quiet you! Your betters are speaking.” said Gilt.

“Where? All I see is an old man with too much starch in his shirt and a stick up his…”

Lamb put one of her hands on Ash’s shoulder. “Take it easy chimney sweep.”

“Hey! I’m too old to be a chimney sweep!” He shouted back at the bandana wearing bandit.

“Are you sure? Because you have the musculature of a twelve year old and you smell like a fireplace.” She smirked.

“Oh! Ohoho, you, you just… grrrr…” Ash trailed off as the bandit put the flat of her knife against Ash’s back.

“That’s enough out’a you.” Lamb pushed Ash to the side. “What about the other one sir?”

“Who?” Gilt asked.

Lamb turned and pointed one of her knives at Ave.

“Oh well… didn’t even see that one.” he said.

“She’s wearing armor sir. Looks like it’s from the Capital.” Lamb noticed.

“A deserter is it? We’ll decide what to do with her later. Tie her up with the other one.” said Gilt.

Ash and Ave were tied together against a tree. Lamb started patting Ash down.

“I though that Paladins were supposed to be noble.” Ash spoke out loud.

“We are.” Gilt said.

Ave rolled her eyes.

“Then why are you robbing us?” Ash asked.

“We’re doing nothing of the sort.” Gilt replied.

“I am.” Lamb finished patting down Ash. She pulled a small purse out of his pocket. Then she moved over to Ave.

“Sorry about her. She’s new.” Gilt said.

“So you’re really just bandits.” Ash said.

“We’re not bandits we’re privateers.” Less said lazily from the back.

“I’m a bandit.” Lamb smiled.

“You’re not.” Less replied.

“I am robbing him.”

“I told you it’s not robbery if it’s for a good cause.” Less sighed.

Lamb pulled another purse from Ave’s pocket.

“Why are you doing this?” Ave asked.

“It’s an easy life.” Lamb replied.

“That’s it?” Ash asked.

“Yep. Here, have some dirt.” Lamb reached over.

She tossed a handful of dirt in Ash’s face.

*Cough*Cough*Blegh*Arrgh*Cough*