Hard Luck Hermit

“There’s more of them? Here?”

Kamak took a quick look at the door to Corey’s room. Up until a few swaps ago, that room had held the only specimen of the human race among the stars.

“Apparently,” Tooley said. “At least one, maybe more.”

To Vo had only been vaguely associated with the process of Uplifting the human race, so she didn’t know the full details, but apparently a human ambassador had arrived on Centerpoint. That did not rule out there being other ambassadors on other stations or planets, though.

“Farsus, you know all about this uplifting shit,” Tooley said. “How fast does this stuff move?”

“My knowledge may be less than useful,” Farsus said. “Assuming normal circumstances, there should be no ambassadors for another two solar years. They appear to be expediting the process.”

“Probably because most of the universe already knows about humans, thanks to Corey,” Doprel said. Saving the universe had done wonders for species awareness.

“That, and they probably want as many bodies as possible in the alliance in case the Horuk invade again,” Kamak said. According to Corey, humans were pretty good at killing things. Between that and their already-good reputation among the universal community, it made sense they were getting fast tracked for uplifting.

“That kind of military infrastructure creation would take years, even getting fast-tracked,” Doprel said. “They probably just want to get to Earth before tourists figure out where it is.”

Thanks to Morrakesh’s empire collapsing, there had been significant leaks from his stores of hidden secrets, the location of Earth among them. While it was hardly common knowledge, it was entirely feasible that random aliens now knew how to find their way to Earth.

“Little of that, little of this,” Kamak said. “The only part relevant to us is how it’s going to affect the little human in our midst.”

Upon his return from To Vo’s house, Corey had loudly announced he wasn’t the only human anymore, and then returned to his room to lie down. That was taking things well, by Corey standards, but there was still time for him to spiral.

“There is also the teeny-tiny little concern that we did technically illegally invade Earth,” Tooley said. “Sure, they were Corey’s shithead cultist relatives, but we did murder like seventeen people.”

“They probably won’t find out about that,” Kamak said. “Probably. We were in the middle of a desert and they were all crazy anyway.”

“That’s very optimistic of you, but I’m going to go plug in Paga For’s coordinates, just in case,” Tooley said. Even as universe-saviors, murdering sovereign citizens of an Uncontacted world might get them in trouble. They’d been counting on having a few more years for the heat to die down, at least.

“We’ll be fine,” Kamak insisted. “Even if they do catch on, we have proof they were buddy-buddy with Morrakesh. One of them, at least. That’ll be enough to cover our asses.”

“Indeed. Even assuming that the Galactic Council becomes aware of our actions on Earth, they will likely not take action,” Farsus said. “By the Ghost’s own admission, we have some value to them as propaganda pieces. They would not willingly ruin our reputation.”

“Which puts us right back to where we started,” Kamak said. “Babysitting the local human.”

“Now, I’m obviously biased, but I think Corey might be okay,” Tooley said. “Moody, probably, but okay?”

“Moody? The last time he had to deal with another human in space, he decapitated them.”

“That wasn’t just some random human, that was the guy who abused him and his mom,” Tooley said. “And we already killed all the other guys who did that. Unless there’s some secret second group of abusive lunatics lurking in Corey’s fucked up past, he’ll be fine. No reason to lose his shit.”

“Hey, you know what our lives are like, there damn well could be a second bunch of psychopaths,” Kamak said.

“There’s not.”

Kamak whipped around to see Corey standing right behind him.

“When’d you get that sneaky?”

“I wasn’t trying to, I’m just...calm, I guess,” Corey said. Kamak had been expecting him to be slamming doors and stomping around, not quietly walking out of his room. “Tooley’s right. I’ve got my head on straight. That said…”

“Does anything you’re about to say involve murder?”

“No.”

“Continue,” Kamak said. With that permission so graciously given, Corey finished his thought.

“I kind of want to meet the human ambassador.”

“Just meet?”

“Yeah, just meet,” Corey said. “It’s been a while since I’ve talked to another human I didn’t have some weird, culty dynamic with. Is it weird to want to chat with another earthling?”

“What if it turns out to be someone you know?”

“It’s a big planet, Kamak,” Corey said. “I looked it up, the ambassador is some Nobel-prize winning poet from China.”

The four aliens stared at him for a few seconds until he remembered that none of them would have any idea what a Nobel Prize or a China was.

“She’s a very smart person from very far away, I never met her,” Corey said. “See, this is what I mean, she would’ve understood that!”

Life in space had been far better for Corey than life on Earth had ever been (even with the universe-spanning conspiracy to kill him included), but he still had some sense of homesickness. He missed things like steak, and cookie dough ice cream, and PB&J sandwiches.

He did also have some very serious concerns about humanity’s place in the stars, and the role they would come to play in universal society, but right now he was just thinking about ice cream. He’d kill a man for a bowl of cookie dough right now.

“I am, to be clear, mostly curious about how to get my hands on some earth food,” Corey admitted. “I go in, make some polite conversation, figure out how to get my hands on some peanut butter, and get out.”

“Just get enough to share,” Tooley said. “The way you talk about some of this shit, it’s got to be really fucking good.”

“And get more of that Earth vodka,” Kamak said. “I liked that.”

“Sure, any more entries on the shopping list?” Corey said. Nobody said anything. “So we’re all good with me meeting the ambassador.”

“On one condition,” Kamak said. “You got to take Farsus with you.”

“Do you really think I need a babysitter?”

“No, I can just tell he wants to go but doesn’t want to ask,” Kamak said.

“This is an important meeting for you and I do not wish to impose, Corey Vash,” Farsus said. “But yes. I would very much like to meet the human.”

“Fine. You can come.”

Farsus tried very hard not to look too excited.