Hard Mode Idol

“I got chills. What’s the song you’re working on now? Can you play that one for me too? I want to hear more of your singing, hyung!”

“Ah….. I’m sorry…… My recent works are still embarrassingly amateurish……”

Ah. Did I get too excited? But I really liked it. Still, since he played one song for me despite being reluctant to share…… This much is probably a big concession from Ilhan’s perspective.

“I’m sorry. I got a bit overexcited because I really enjoyed your rapping and the song. But my lack of restraint burdened you, didn’t it?”

Feeling awkward, I averted my eyes while scratching my blushing cheek. Ah, I need to break this habit of getting too excited when I encounter good music.

“……No, no. It’s okay.”

“To be honest, hyung, your voice is really my style. That rich, deep tone is so captivating! I also loved the rasping roughness. I burdened you because I got greedy and wanted to hear more of your other songs.”

I abruptly stopped talking, worried I might get overly excited if I mentioned how good the song was too. There’s no point if I make him uncomfortable. Why doesn’t he realize how talented he is when he’s this incredible? I wanted to let him know. That you’re so amazing, you excite others.

“……Really?”

Conveying my sincerity, I vigorously nodded as I responded.

“Yes, really! Seriously!”

From nodding so emphatically that my head was spinning, a brief bout of dizziness hit me. But I could endure a little dizziness to convey my genuine feelings.

“Oh, I see. Thank you.”

Ilhan’s outstretched hand towards me wavered awkwardly in the air. Taking the hint that he was telling me to stop nodding, I straightened my head. My nape felt a bit sore.

“Ugh, I’m dizzy……”

“Are you okay?”

“Y-Yes. I’m fine, then.”

Ilhan gave me a faint smile. It was very subtle, but the corners of his mouth curled up ever so slightly. It’s the first time I’ve seen him smile. It’s quite a rare smile.

“Umm, so, well.”

After a long hesitation, Ilhan accessed a file from a different folder.

“I, I completed one last week, but it’s just a guide vocal recording level……”

“I want to hear it!”

“Then, I’ll just……”

“Yes! Please!”

Ilhan’s Adam’s apple bobbed noticeably as he gulped. With a tense expression, he hesitated for a while before squeezing his eyes shut and clicking on the file. A new song began to play, with an entirely different vibe from the previous ones.

The intro was somber and gloomy. More melancholic jazz than hip-hop, yet it still had an underlying hip-hop bassline that clashed yet blended hauntingly.

Ilhan’s rap in this song felt utterly suffocating, like being trapped deep underground in a confined tunnel. Combined with the grating low tones that seemed to scrape along the floor and unsettling lyrics that touched on the unpleasant things one wants to avoid, it made it hard to breathe.

The first thought that struck me was – he must have endured something substantial.

The song clearly showed that the Ilhan of 5 years ago and the Ilhan now are practically different people.

“I guess it’s not that good after all……”

That’s a separate issue. Since I’m not into hip-hop, I rarely listen to this genre so intently. While the vibe is depressing, it’s undoubtedly far better crafted than his 5-year-old work. The rapping too, has become more nuanced, with clearer diction.

“Hyung.”

“Y-Yes?”

Ilhan tensed up. I firmly grasped his fidgeting, slightly clenched hands. Then, thoroughly excited, I spoke.

“You’re really incredible!”

“……Huh?”

“I don’t have the vocabulary to express it properly, but you’re truly, truly incredible!”

“Uh, th-this, you liked it?”

“Liked it? I more than liked it, I loved it! To be able to perfectly capture two completely different vibes like this is awe-inspiring!”

A light blush crept onto Ilhan’s cheeks. With a more distinct smile, he subtly asked me.

“Then, shall I play some other songs for you too?”

“Yes! As many as you’d like! Do you have a lot of time today, hyung? I have plenty of time. So, can I stay here today? I want to listen to them all!”

“O-Okay.”

“And feel free to speak casually with me. I’m the younger one here!”

Ilhan’s head bobbed in a slight nod. Then, unhesitantly and without the earlier hesitation, he selected another song.

I understood why Ilhan holed up in his studio and rarely returned to the dorms. This was a room of time and focus. At one point, I received a call from the vocal coach and informed him I’d be skipping today’s session. That was around 2 PM in the afternoon.

By the time I regained my senses, it was 11 PM at night. If not for Yoochan’s call worrying about me not returning to the dorms, I would have stayed here indefinitely.

Comfortably sitting and listening to one quality song after another, I lost track of time. Perhaps reflecting my good mood, I still had 15 stamina remaining despite being active so late.

Seeing that, I felt a slight chill. I had neglected to manage my stamina. If I hadn’t leveled up, I might have seen the overly cheerful ‘Status Abnormality Triggered!’ message. I don’t know the actual nuance, but the exclamation point makes me feel that way……

In any case.

“Ahh…. I really enjoyed it.”

It was a pure, sincere sentiment. I hadn’t intended to spend this much time with Ilhan. I just wanted to chat briefly and observe how to interact with him, but I ended up getting completely carried away.

“It’s such an unusual feeling.”

“What is?”

“……It’s been a long time since I talked about my songs.”

“Eh? Why? You didn’t play them for anyone else?”

“I was too scared of being evaluated……”

“Ahh, I see.”

That’s understandable. It’s difficult to objectively assess one’s own abilities. Especially for someone like Ilhan with low self-esteem. He would improve so much more if people around him showered him with praise. Why did they just leave him be until now? The praise of those who have known him longer might be more effective than mine.

For starters, I should send Yoochan his way. He’ll surely raise Ilhan’s self-esteem with higher quality praise than I can give, since he has a good ear for composition.

Ilhan looked at me with a faint smile.

“Will you listen again next time?”

“Of course! I’d love to listen every day. In fact, I should be the one begging you?”

“U-Umm. Thank you.”

“Out of all the members, you really didn’t play it for anyone? I feel like everyone would have praised you a lot if they heard it.”

Ilhan briefly hesitated before shaking his head.

“I did play it for Jaehyuk hyung. But, uh……”

Again with that name.

“Hyung said that since I’m not like my former self, I need to regain my skills quickly to avoid being a burden. So I kept practicing, but I didn’t improve…… Everyone else was doing well, but I was the only one regressing, which made me scared to meet others. Especially the director and the members……”

Ilhan let out a self-deprecating laugh, saying he still couldn’t give up on his idol dream, so he ended up signing the contract.

I focused on the part about “needing to regain his skills.” Perhaps there’s a separate reason why Ilhan’s self-esteem plummeted so severely? The Cult Leader just further aggravated it. But why?

Even from my brief interaction, I could tell Ilhan is the type who thrives on praise. The more I complimented him, the more his gloomy air seemed to dissipate. There’s no way the Cult Leader, a master manipulator, wouldn’t have noticed that. Yet he deliberately undermined Ilhan’s confidence.

With a high likelihood, it was probably out of jealousy and envy.

The type who needs to be the best, standing above everyone else to maintain dominance. The inner selves of such people are mostly composed of jealousy and envy. With their twisted sense of superiority, they feel compelled to trample anyone who outshines them.

To the Cult Leader, the meek Ilhan who couldn’t encroach on his position – like the tofu-mental Park Yoochan and the innocent Seoho – would have been easy prey to subjugate, which he seemingly succeeded in doing through mental manipulation.

Conversely, Ilhan may have been suppressed because his abilities were too outstanding. Since he displayed a neutral attitude towards me from the start, perhaps the mental manipulation failed on him.

As for Kanghyun, he’s not the type to be swayed by others. He’s a diehard solely obsessed with dancing, and an idol group desperately needs a main dancer for performances. So the Cult Leader might have compromised with him. Or perhaps he had been gradually trying to get his claws in before being dismissed.

These are all just speculations, with nothing definitive. Right now, the more pressing concern was Ilhan, who despite his incredible skills, is depressed from believing he’s a burden. I don’t know how much he’ll trust me, but I want to tell him it’s not true. Don’t listen to the Cult Leader. Forget him.

“Did something difficult happen? Why do you say you’re not like your former self? To me, it just seems like the vibe of your songs has changed, but they’re far better than before.”

“……Do you really think so?”

“Yes.”

While his extreme gloominess doesn’t suit an idol, objectively speaking in terms of musical quality alone, he has undeniably made tremendous strides. I hope my sincerity reaches him.

After letting out a long breath, Ilhan looked at me. His long lashes drooped over his downcast eyes. Idly scratching the desk corner with his nails, he exhaled a series of sighs. Then, ever so slowly, he began speaking.

“Actually, I’ve been on a broadcast before……”

I focused on Ilhan’s story. Revisiting old wounds seemed difficult, as he kept clearing his throat and catching his breath mid-narrative. The story he relayed in that excruciatingly slow tempo allowed me to understand Ilhan better, while also leaving me feeling utterly heartbroken for him.