Her True Form

“So, um, you look… well,” Ermina said softly. “Is that because of your magic? I know you used to… do things in the morning.”

“I died,” Yvette said. “Then became a phoenix. Then came back, kind of. It was very painful. Worth it. But still painful.”

“Right, right, dying,” Ermina said sheepishly. “I guess that must have been… interesting. Uhhh… so… ummm… why?”

“Why what?” Yvette asked.

“Why did you die?” Ermina asked. “Did you… uhhhh…”

“There was a phoenix and I was trying to free it before some terrible people could bind it to their will. I didn’t survive the encounter and the phoenix kind of… fixed me,” Yvette said before glancing down at the bird in her arms. “Kind of. It was very… turbulent for a while. If not for Gervas I doubt I’d have been able to come back. Might have been other factors. I’ve been working on the spell to change my true form for a while, so the reagents I’d gathered might have been a part of what helped keep me grounded. I couldn’t say without an opportunity to study the spell again.”

“You don’t have the spell?” Ermina asked.

“I lost a lot of things recently,” Yvette said. “When I died. All of my reagents are now inside me, though. Kind of. It’s hard to explain, but I don’t really need the bracer anymore. That makes it easier.”

“Sounds nice,” Ermina said.

“Would have been, if not for the dying thing,” Yvette said.

The two walked in silence for a while after that. Occasionally Yvette could see more fae peeping out from behinds bushes, under blades of grass. She was getting better at seeing through their minor illusions, at least. “Does this Gervas mean a lot to you?”

“He means the world to me,” Yvette said.

“Is that why you’ve decided to be a girl?” Ermina asked.

Yvette had to hold Unceasing Storm a little tighter to keep her from exploding out and trying to maim the other girl. “No. Him supporting me in this decision is part of what makes him mean so much to me. He’s the only one who actually supports and cares about me, apparently.”

“I care about you,” Ermina said softly, just a hint huffily.

“No,” Yvette said. “You are, maybe, fond of me. But you never knew me. You never accepted me. You never even looked at me. All you ever saw was Tebaud. A person I was forced to be. A person I loathed. Do you have any idea what that’s like? To have to fight every single day for the right to be me? To constantly feel like I’m in a battle just to exist? Because I do. And I didn’t even realize it. I just thought it was normal. But you know what Gervas did? He accepted it. He said I could be a girl. That’s it. He didn’t make me do anything else. He didn’t slow my training, or stop telling me to be careful, or stop treating me like a mage. All he did was go ‘It’s okay to be a girl’. For the first time in my entire life I didn’t have to FIGHT every moment just to EXIST! And you know what? It was nice. So yes. He actually cared about me. You? No. I’ll be happy when I never have to see you again.”

A small part of her felt guilty when she saw the hurt look on Ermina’s face. Was she being too harsh? Perhaps. But…

But she knew what it was like, now. To be accepted. To have her desires, her wants, cared about. To not have to fight. Gervas made her feel like a girl. She didn’t have to give anything up, or surrender, or fight. He just treated her like a girl in the end. Like a person. And until she had felt that it hadn’t dawned on her just how desperately she’d wanted that.

“With him, for the first time, I can feel peaceful,” Yvette said. “I never felt that with Betan. He was a good master. He trained me well and I will always be grateful for what he did. But he can’t see me. He refuses to see me for who I am. So I won’t have him in my life. I don’t want you in my life either. Once, I thought of you as a little sister. But that was then. But no matter what happens, that… isn’t what we were. To you? I’ll always be Tebaud. I can’t just keep… fighting to be me. I won’t. I refuse. My life is worth so, so much more than that. And now I want to live it. When I’m with Gervas I can feel that life. I can be Yvette. Around you and people like you? I’m just stuck being Tebaud who is trying to be Yvette.”

“I… I’m sorry,” Ermina said gently.

“Of course you are,” Yvette said. “Never enough to try and change, just enough to apologize.”

“What… if I tried to change?” Ermina asked softly.

“I’d appreciate it,” Yvette said. “But I’d find it unlikely. You never changed before, why would you change now? I’m a fallen mage. If anything, you should try to distance yourself from me.”

“You left us,” Ermina said gently.

“Journeymen always leave home,” Yvette said. “Until we settle.”

“Yes, but… I…” Ermina was silent for a few moments, nervously fiddling with her hands. Yvette had done that enough times that she almost offered to let her carry Unceasing Storm for a minute. But frankly she wanted to have access to her full power in case Ermina tried to attack her again. “I missed you.”

“… I missed you too,” Yvette said grudgingly. “Though, admittedly everything has been so crazy, I haven’t thought of home much.”

“You were Betan’s older student,” Ermina said softly. “He doesn’t talk about it much, but I know he missed you too. But you were always there, ever since I first arrived. You were always looking out for me. Always… protecting me. I used to… well…”

“You were the younger student,” Yvette said. “People look out for their younger siblings. Usually. My big brothers looked out for me sometimes. When they weren’t making me miserable.”

“You never made me miserable,” Ermina said softly.

“And you, sometimes, even called me Yvette,” Yvette said. “For the longest time, I thought that was the closest I would ever get. It’s funny how much perspective changes things. Once, I think I would have been happy about that. But not anymore. I deserve better. I will HAVE better. I’m not… going to just accept a dismissive ‘Yvette’ when it suits your mood. Who I am isn’t your choice to make. It never was. And, for some reason, I thought it was. The fact I even have to fight at all for this is ridiculous.”

“Yvette, I’m sorry,” Ermina said softly. “I… I really am. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Yvette stopped and held the storm closer, struggling to control the anger bubbling inside her. “I DID! I told you ALL THE TIME! You just never LISTENED! That’s the problem! Every moment of every day I had to fight and argue and struggle and when was anyone on my side? Even once? Then you have the nerve to say I never TOLD you?”

“I-I didn’t mean--”

“It doesn’t matter what you meant,” Yvette said. “What you’ve said, what you’ve done, has always been the same. Empty acceptance. Hollow. And you know what? That’s not enough anymore. It never should have been enough. But when someone is in a storm every island looks good. So just… I’d say forget me, but you never remembered me to begin with.”

Yvette knew she was being harsh. She knew she was being cold. She even knew she was being hurtful. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right. But Ermina hadn’t been fair with her, wasn’t it time she was allowed to be unfair with someone else?

But when Ermina started to lightly cry, Yvette felt her own resolve crumbling. If Ermina had yelled back, or argued, or fought with her she would have been fine. But seeing her start to cry was a lot harder. She looked away and tried to ignore it.

“I’m sorry…” Ermina said softly.

“I know,” Yvette said.

“I… I can do better,” Ermina said.

“You won’t, though,” Yvette said. “It doesn’t matter, anyway. I’m a fallen mage now. It’s too little, too late.”

“But… I don’t…”

“Just forget me,” Yvette said. “If all goes well, you’ll never see me again.”

“Is all of this really worth it?” Ermina asked. “You could die. Again.”

“I might,” Yvette said. “But I can’t live unless I do this. So there’s really not a lot of other options. Either way I have to keep fighting for the rest of my life, at least this way I can keep fighting as me.”

“But you are a girl now, why do you have to keep fighting? Aren’t you happy?” Ermina asked, reaching up to wipe some of the tears from her eyes.

Yvette glanced to Ermina and gave her a small smile. “I’m a mage. I have the opportunity to help people. I can give some of them hope. Belief that things can be better. More importantly? I CAN do it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned on this journey, it’s that not everyone can fight. Some people won’t ever have the chance. They don’t know the magic, they don’t have the chance, they won’t have the support. But I can. So long as I have Gervas… I’ll find a way.”

“And if you can’t find him?” Ermina asked.

“… I’ve done it alone before, I’ll do it again,” Yvette said gently. “I at least know what I’ll accept now.”

“Are you going to attack the Vault?” Ermina asked.

“No,” Yvette said. “But… I’ll go there. If Gervas is there…”

“If he’s not?” Ermina asked.

“I’ll find him,” Yvette said. “I’ll go to the ends of the world if I have to. But, now? He can’t find me. Nobody can.”

“Is there anybody else you can get help from?” Ermina asked.

“Not really,” Yvette said. “Maybe Vala. If she wanted to help. If I could find her. Nautia, but she’s likely with Gervas.”

“Vala?” Ermina asked. “The archer who was with Gervas?”

“… Wait, what?” Yvette asked.

“The archer who was with Gervas,” Ermina said. “She came with him. She didn’t really speak to me, but Betan spoke with her as well.”

“The girl with him was an archer? Not a mermaid?” Yvette asked.

“No? Should she have been?” Ermina asked.

“But Vala wasn’t with him when he left,” Yvette asked. “How long ago was this?”

“At least a month ago, maybe longer,” Ermina said.

Yvette frowned, looking down at her phoenix half. The storm just stared back, the two trying to figure that out. If Nautia and Bayla weren’t there, why was Vala? “Wait. You said they left on horseback. Did they arrive on horseback?”

“Of course they did,” Ermina said softly. “Betan only has the one horse.”

Yvette’s heart beat a little faster. If Gervas had his horses, she had a feeling she knew exactly where Nautia and Bayla were. More importantly, they might know what Gervas was planning. Hopefully the fact it involved Vala was a good sign.

“How much longer until we’re out of the Realm of the Fae?” Yvette asked.

“Not much longer,” Ermina said. “Do… you know where you’re going after?”

“Yes,” Yvette said. “I’ve got to go see an old friend. Well, one of Gervas’ old friends.”

“Would… you like me to help or--”

“No,” Yvette said. “Just… do whatever it is you’re doing. I’ll do this alone.”

“But—”

“Ermina,” Yvette said softly. “You’ve caused me enough trouble. I don’t want you to be involved anymore. I just… want to go.”

“… Fine,” Ermina said softly. “Does Gervas really mean that much to you?”

“More than anyone else,” Yvette said.

“Do you think you mean the same to him?”

Yvette’s breathing stopped. For a moment, there was that doubt. She’d put him through so much. She’d hurt him. Attacked him. Nearly killed him. He’d stood by her side and she always caused more trouble for him.

She looked down at her phoenix and smiled. “Yes. I think I do.”

Because, despite everything she’d done, he’d stayed. He’d let her be Yvette. Even when she was a phoenix, he never stopped trying to bring her back. She’d come back to him once. This time, she’d come for him.