I am Peter Parker

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***

I ended up tied to a pipe in some basement lab. My suitcase with the money, my suitcase, I repeat, my suitcase was on a table piled with all sorts of blueprints. The robot rhinoceros was standing in some sort of video game portal-like setup, waiting for some sort of process to complete.

- ANALYSIS COMPLETE: NO DAMAGE DETECTED, ARMOUR CONDITION 97%. - After a beep, the monitor lit up with a yellow data table. And since I was far away, I don't know what it said.

The cockpit doors opened with smoke and a thud, and the pilot stepped out.

- Why are you staring at me like that? I can't believe it now.

- I just can't believe you gave up ice cream even more now.

- What?! What are you implying?!!

There was a girl standing in front of me... If I saw her from behind, I'd give her about twelve years old, considering her short stature. But since I can see her face.... She's definitely twelve!

- You think I look like a child, huh!!!?! - She ruffled her long brown hair and gave me a threatening stare.

- No," I answered honestly. - I think you are a child.

- A baby, huh? After I've had my fun with you, we'll see who's the baby. - the child licked her lips with a pompous look.

- You're gonna make me take you on the swings?

- Really? Stop! No! Idiot! I'm gonna rape you!

- Whoa, I'll go to jail. - I'm gonna be a rape victim who goes to jail for it? That sounds depressing.

Okay, it's gonna be fine. After all, I've bought enough time and Ripley's either on her way or very close to the film studio where the Avengers are filming. Yeah, all this time, I've only been buying time, and the fact that I'm going for ice cream after my successful release will be a coincidence, that's all!

- Look. - I'll use my diplomatic skills one more time. - You want me to introduce you to my sister, I'm sure you'll get along easily on the common themes of bad temper and lolism.

- That's it! That's it, boy! - she threw up her fist with an angry look. - Okay, Siri, how do you rape?

- ...

- Basic massage techniques.

- Rape, not massage! God, it's the same thing every time!

Well, I guess I still have time to spare....

**Stephanie Rogers**

- Haaah. - As I drank my third cup of coffee, I sighed heavily once again.

The filming, or rather the part we were involved in, should have been over by now. But no, apparently, Terry had lost her mind from the unfortunate collision with the ground or hitting the building.

The very idea that she chose a schoolboy is pretty vile. How can someone turn a blind eye to an age difference, and such a high one at that? Well... Modern people and their loose morals, I guess.

- Haaah. I still don't get it.

- Are you starting again? - Stark asked irritably. - Go on a date with him and you'll understand.

What's that supposed to mean? And why the ambiguous tone?

Damn it.

Is she implying what I think she's implying?! Making love? They've already done it? And she liked it so much that she wanted to marry him?!!!

How shameless! A woman should keep herself until she's married! Or...

Was this her first time?! Is that why she's trying to preserve her honour in this way?!

- Pfft. - Yeah, Stark being a recent virgin makes me laugh.

- What's so funny? - Terry asked in an even more annoyed tone.

- It's just a silly thought that you've only recently lost your virginity.

- Hm! I've had more boyfriends than all of you combined will ever have, you losers!

...Really?

Stark really lost her maiden honour with that high school kid...?

Wait! What if Terry's behaviour in pushing the boy so hard is not because she wants to marry him, but because he wants to marry us?! What if he was able to get dirt on her and then started blackmailing her? Before, I wouldn't have thought Stark could be blackmailed, but I used to think she was much more promiscuous. So it's possible.

Maybe she's playing a double game, expecting me and the girls to guess what's really going on, which is why she says she wants us to meet her.

But why doesn't she just say it outright? It doesn't make any sense, can't she be that prideful?

- You don't believe me, I'll prove it to you right now! - Terry started pulling off her black jeans, while the girls looked at her with questioning looks, and I once again decided to question my previous judgements about her.

- Trouble!!!

Rescuing an obviously mewling Stark in her knickers, Ripley burst into the room. She looked out of breath and her face was as pale as chalk - definitely a bad combination.

- Wait, what's going on here? Did someone call Miss Stark a virgin?

**Natalya Romanoff**

Well events have clearly not gone the way we expected. No one would have thought Stark's chosen one would be kidnapped. Good thing it wasn't done by a random fan of the show, but by someone easily spotted by the cameras. Which gave us the neighbourhood, and with the second handy fact of knowing the kidnapper's identity, we were able to find the flat.

I hope the boy's okay, the kidnapping could have left him under a lot of stress, not to mention the fact that we don't know if the kidnapper limited herself to that. On the flip side, if he's still alive, the traumatic experience could be the impetus to toughen up and gain an inner core...

**Claudia Burton**

While Natasha, Stef and Stark made their way inside, I took up a favourable position on the roof of the building opposite, just in case. Though it was unlikely my arrows would be needed today.

In fact, I wonder why Theresa chose him. Is she a pervert? Though from the way she talks and tells it, you really wouldn't expect anything else.

- Heh. It's funny how perverts in spacesuits throw themselves at the boy....

- I can hear you, actually... - cut through her teeth at the red pervert.

- Oh! Stark, if you find three more perverts in suits, you can be the Slutty Rape Rangers!

- Haa. I don't even want to think about what our costumes will turn into when we join forces.

- Obviously, a giant halyard--

- Don't clog up the frequency! - Stephanie interrupted us like some kind of censor.

- She's not in an iron suit, but she could pass for a blue... - before her channel was cut off, Theresa said.

That's what I'm talking about when I call Avengers Bridegroom a stupid show. Where's the guy we're all going to like? The stern Rogers, the wild-eyed Stark, and the uniquely me? I mean, if the concept was based on each of us finding the right guy for each of us....

Wait.

Then who would even come after my heart? I already have a smaller number of suitors each season, and the ones I do have are all primarily looking to impress the other Avengers, not me. You see bow and arrow isn't so cool to them.... Since when is a shield cooler than a bow?! You can't even shoot with a shield!

Ah. where are you, my prince, who would appreciate such a gorgeous lady? If I met him, I wouldn't mind him having a harem.

- Over. - Thinking that enough time had passed and it was time for the girls to get in touch, I got in touch first. - What's up? Finished? Did you save the boy?

- Well. How can I put it? I guess.

Rogers sounds a little weird about what happened in there.

**One minute before the Avengers arrived. Basement under Allison O'Heery's flat. Parker.

- Noooooo! Stop it!

- What's the matter, minnow, isn't this what you wanted?

The blushing lola cried and screamed, unable to withstand my pressure. A little more and she'll break completely....

- Please stop, I don't want to!

- Push all you want, but the truth is you'll never be clean again, Ha-ha-ha!

# Explosion #

- O'Heary, let the boy go now! - Suddenly, girls in fancy dress burst in.

- M-Avengers?! - Lola got up from her knees and ran straight for the armour, but Stark fired a preemptive shot...

И...

Damn...

Ugly.

Fat.

Old woman.

- MY MONEY!!! - went straight into my suitcase. The burnt notes immediately scattered around the room, peacefully sinking down - the sight made my whole heart ache with bitterness

.....

- Take him away! Take him away!

While the lola was shouting something in the background, I couldn't get off my knees. Literally every note had been irreparably damaged in a way that neither duct tape nor scotch tape could cope with.

- What the hell happened? Why did you scream when we came in? - said the useless patriot, why does she even need that shield when she can't protect anything with it?!

- Ugh... I don't want to remember this. - Lola's face changed quickly when the Captain shook her shield. - It's just... People are so disgusting.

- Erm... Boy, what's she talking about? - A woman in a costume ill-suited for combat, more like the embodiment of a fetishist's fantasy, shook my shoulder.

- А?.. I just told her, as she wanted me to, a little about the usual acts of love. About toys, tubes, creampies and tentacles.....

- And what's the usual!!! - the heroines said with glee, but my soul is so wounded that there is no power to change their minds. How could life be so cruel? First to give a golden chance to end all difficulties, and then to take it away.

- It's already over, you don't have to worry. - The old woman said, putting her hand on my shoulder. When I raised my head, I saw a smile on her face. Was she mocking me? Or was this some kind of revenge for leaving a stupid show or for calling her old? - You don't have to say anything, I didn't save you because I was expecting a thank you, I just did what I had to do.

Now she's really messing with me.... It's true what they say about women being devious.

- Miss stark. - with the fury of a broken heart, I was able to speak.

- Yes, honey? - She's smiling at me with a luscious smile. She has no conscience at all!

- I demand compensation. One hundred thousand dollars. I want it now.

After I said that, everyone in the room stared at me as if I were insane. There was silence for a few minutes.

- Um. - the redheaded bdsm girl was the first to come to her senses. - Kid, don't be cheeky, we saved your life.

- Pfft. We saved a life, so what? - Seriously, I've already died once, I've been reborn and that's it, why should I be afraid of death? Debt is another thing, you can't live with that.

**At the same time. Avengers' Grimmer Room. Breena**

While the girls are busy saving the kid. I suddenly felt sad for some reason. Suddenly feeling abandoned or forgotten. Or rather, it's more of a feeling I can describe.

- Like I don't matter.

- Are you talking to me? - asked Tora, whom I had forgotten about, otherwise I wouldn't have spoken my thoughts out loud.

- No. - but now I felt sorry for her. Hey, maybe I should start paying attention to her.