I am Peter Parker

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***

** Avengers makeup artist. Teresa Stark**

- Terry, why don't you pay the boy after all, it really is your fault, plus it won't cost you a hundred grand.

- What's my fault, Breena? I saved his life! He should be grateful to me!

I brought him to the show, I saved his life, I was nice and kind and friendly to him. And what did I get in return? Demands, insults and no gratitude at all! God, he makes me so angry! The little bastard! I won't pay on principle!

- In fact, he's the one who should pay me for being a contestant. - and he won't even say thank you.

- Girls! It's time to go to the set and film the first meeting!

.....

-Miss Rogers, nice to meet you. - the blond man with the expressive cheekbones kissed Steph's hand. - Let me thank you for choosing me. And may I speak to you, Stephanie?

The sly fox had been up more than one skirt. And he's getting under more than one skirt. You'd expect to find a narcissistic prick underneath his exterior, but here's a gentle gentleman who's made physical contact and a proposal that can only be responded to with consent.

- Yeah, okay, Josh. - Steph replied with a friendly smile.

- Ha-ha... - Oh, what a harsh laugh. Was the mask squeezing her face too tight? - Not Josh, Jude, Stephanie.

- Oh, sorry. - I wonder if Steph noticed how he bit his tongue just to keep from calling her another name.

- Yo. - I see, poser.

- Han-sang-hyun, right? I heard you're a singer. - Ah, Brina's a nice girl, but you shouldn't have said that.

- What, you've never heard of First Destination? - Miss Destroyer shyly shook her head. - I see... - The guy rolled his eyes in response.

- Tora, baby, I hear you're looking for a strong man. - a boring mountain of muscle, probably dumb too. - I'm exactly that. How about a little competition?

- All right. - the goddess shook the guy's hand and then squeezed it.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - I'll give him credit for being red in the face and down on his knee, but he didn't scream. - A-Arnold Stallone, nice! - and he didn't forget to tell me his name.

- Hello, nice to meet you. - Oh, Claudia, the one who started the conversation first, she's also the only one of us who seems to be interested in this show.

- Ricardo, just Ricardo. - the Latino man adjusts his bandana.

- What's your last name?

- I don't need one, just call me Ricardo, just Ricardo. - and why the languid voice and the fading sentences at the end?

- It's not intelligible, it's in Russian... - the last guy decided to press on what he and Natasha have in common.

- *Unintelligible, speaks in Russian* ... - you know, you're the reason people have to put subtitles in.

Well, it's time for my meeting. Where will he start, hopefully with an apology and a thank you.

- Compensation. - and what else would you expect? I've calmed down and realised that the little gambler is just trying to get me emotional, the old trick - a bad impression is better than no impression at all. Yeah, the guy's got a lot of guile, but he won't pull it off a second time. - Repeat, compensation, old woman.

- What did you call me?!

- Oh, I'm sorry. - he's starting to get it, isn't he? - A perverted old woman who wants to marry a schoolboy.

- That's even worse! And you girls, stop looking at me like you agree with him!

**Peter**

- Nice to meet you, Peter. - After a dozen takes, I was getting tired and decided to get it over with, and it was getting embarrassing in front of the crew.

- Yes, it's a pleasure. - The old woman answered me with a smile and extended her hand towards me.

- You want me to shake it, huh? I'm afraid to imagine what kind of perversions you'll do to her after that!

- Okay, cut! - I can tell from his voice that the director is getting sick, but is it my fault if the old woman provokes me?! You couldn't just give me a dry greeting, you had to put your filthy hands on me?!

And that's what she seems to be all about, she doesn't know her limits at all. I would have spit on the money and wouldn't have demanded it, citing an accident, and as they say - easy come, easy go. But she had to grin and bear it, to show who's boss. Why else would she put so much emphasis on herself after I was rescued?

- All right, guys, shooting day's over, so let's get on the bus and go to the lodge. - Ripley announced to the whole set with a loud clap of her hands.

What the fuck is a lodge, the third park bench from the fountain is waiting for me tonight!

- Ripley, what lodge?

- You know, the lodge. - No, that's why I asked. - It's where you and the lads will all live together and we'll do a couple of cute, a couple of funsies and some dramatic scenes! And how many seasons of the show have you seen, anyway, huh? Although I've heard that regular guys get a kick out of seeing handsome guys on screen, so I wouldn't be surprised if you haven't watched the show at all, hee hee....

- ...Why is everyone trying so hard to ruin my mood tonight, huh? Anyway, give me the money you promised me for the day's work, and I'm going home. I don't care if you get fired, tell the world I'm down with testicular leukaemia. I've had a really bad week, and the fact that it's not over yet doesn't inspire positivity in me.

- Haa. Peter, why keep playing this game, huh? - What is that ugly smirk with the tight lips like a doctor talking to a pensioner? - You threatened to quit, but you stayed on the show, didn't you? Or do you really want me to believe you did it for me? - more out of respect for your hard work, useless.

- Honestly? I never really cared what anyone thought, and today I care even less. Give me the money, I'll go, and you guys can work it out and make up whatever you want. I don't care.

Ripley stared at me for a few seconds with her mouth open, and finally, realising I was serious, let out a tear, to which I just rolled my eyes and stomped off.

- Wait!" she shouted, but I didn't care for her cries.

- Wait!" the director shouted, and out of respect for her, though more out of guilt that they had to film late because of me, I reluctantly stopped. - I have a proposal!

Oh, I hope it's not a collective cry.

.....

In a nutshell, the director offered me the hundred grand I was supposed to get. She said with certainty that the channel would not object, because if I left the show now, they would either have to shorten the season, which would be bad for the profits, or film fillers, which would be bad for the quality, and what the channel cares about - on the possible ratings. And since I can't make that kind of money anywhere else in a couple of weeks, I agreed. And all I have to do is drop out of the show in the first round of voting, so what's the big deal, huh? I'm a perfect gentleman and all, but the Avengers can't really be perverts who agree to marry a schoolboy, what kind of heroines are they?!

- All right, boys, here we go. - said Ripley, stopping in front of the entrance to a modern mansion, with wide panoramic windows, boxy looking with individual sharp corners. If it's being used exclusively for filming this nonsense, such a good place is sitting idle - the nearest neighbours are a kilometre away. - So guys, unpack in the rooms, and basically do whatever you want, although remember it's all going to go in the show, so get a bit naughty. Oh, yes, and don't forget to visit the video room in the evening, switch on the camera and say your thoughts, feelings and so on, the main thing is to talk for at least five minutes, the girls will hide what is necessary.

I wonder, if I say for five minutes to get kicked out - will the mantra work? Although it's more likely they'll start giving me a script then.....

Suddenly, while my head was occupied with serious thoughts on professional matters, I was hit with a bag.

- Watch where you're standing! - it was a mountain of muscle that made it hard to tell if he was Austrian or Italian. 

- I'm sorry. - apologising, I lowered my gaze and noticed that something had fallen out of his bag. It was a syringe with some kind of green substance. - You dropped it.

- Give it to me! - I didn't have to rip it out. I was the one who gave it back. - Shut up, you understand, if you value your life?

- Erm... No, I don't get it, we've got superheroes and mutants and all sorts of crap going on in the world, so... What's in the syringe? - Who knows if it'll turn into a radioactive ostrich and kill someone.

A bloke whose name I'd like to add "hey" to comes right up to me. I'd never have thought, but a man's pumped-up chest is like a hotel pillow. Does that mean that flat male breasts are pillows in cheap hotels, with almost no padding...? Oh, yeah, he's got a jaw hanging out and he's shooting his eyes, but I've got a girlfriend, so I'm not interested in his attention span.

- He's a daredevil, isn't he?

- Not really. If I read a creepypasta at night, I don't leave the house till morning. How about you? - and when did we get to the stage of getting to know each other and finding out each other's personalities? Or did he just change the subject neatly? Sneaky.

- Creepy what? What? Not only a daredevil, but also a funny guy?

- I don't really joke around that much. - I don't know what Stallone's problem is, but he has a hard time answering other people's questions, so he asks his own instead.

- Erm... Don't mess with me anyway, all right? Frick. - and how am I supposed to do that if we live in the same house?

- Oops. - before I could investigate further, I heard Ripley's voice from behind me, I think she was just leaving. - Peter, where's your stuff?

- Most of it's at home, some of it's lost forever, being forgotten somewhere, and some of it's on me.

- I meant, where's your duffle bag?

- Haa... That's why you're useless, Ripley. - when she gets sacked she's going to have a hard time, and I think she's having a hard time with her life. I'll go easy on her. - Sweetie.

- Ugh. I'm sorry, I'm starting to feel a little nauseous. - and be nice to people after that.

- OK, useless, you're useless, we're past the stage where I didn't know about the film, the cottage - do those significant stages of your life mean anything to you?

- Why are two conversations with you suddenly a meaningful part of my life?! - it was time for me to smile like a bank employee who deliberately gave a loan to a person who didn't read the contract carefully.

- Because I've opened your eyes to your uselessness. Anyway, it should have reached you by now that I was not aware of this show of yours at all, not only about the time of its recording, not only about the accommodation in the lodge, but about the whole show in principle. And since I can see in your eyes the spirited booting of a ninety-eight year old windup, I'm guessing it's only just now dawned on you.

No, it hasn't, it's still loading. I hope it doesn't freeze.

- Oh! - I'm getting tired of being frustrated by the useless one that can't even load with the right sound. - Then what about your personal hygiene products and clothes, God, you don't even have a change of underwear with you....

- I'll change backwards. - God bless the boxers.

- And the next day?!

- I'll turn it inside out.

- And the day after that?!

- I'll change backwards and turn them inside out. - Bless the universe of manga for unexpected ways to solve problems.

- ... - Ripley, on the other hand, seems to be hanging on.

Right, I'm going to check my room, shall I? And then I can go to bed. I think we're filming the next challenge tomorrow. I wonder what it'll be?

**First entry in the video room**

A question written on a piece of paper:

- Please tell us about your previous or current relationship, your love experience.

Jude High:

- Well, I'm afraid I'm going to sound totally uncool, but I don't have any experience. I've been spending too much time learning languages, so there's no time for romance. But hopefully, haha... - embarrassed laugh. - Avengers will help me make up for it.

Han Sang-hyun:

- There are a lot of rumours about guys in showbiz, about us drugging and having orgies, sleeping with producers and just women in power. But in reality, that's not true, we belong to our fans and keep ourselves for them, there's your answer.

Arnold Stallone:

- As a true believer in American values, I believe that entering into any kind of romantic or sexual relationship before marriage is unnatural, appropriately so, and immoral.

Ricardo, just Ricardo:

- Nothing happened... - very, very languid. - Ricardo has never had someone he was willing to take for a ride on his motorbike..... - so languid you can barely hear it.

Alexander Familiev:

- Yes of course I didn't have anything like that, what kind of questions are these? Perhaps, just in my country are more strict morals? - The guy hesitated and wrung his hands in concern. - Don't get me wrong, I think Americans are wonderful people and I respect your views.

Peter Parker:

- Yeah, I have a girlfriend. Will they give you a sheet every time? Because they said you have to go into improvisation and stuff, and there's a sheet with a topic on it....