I am Peter Parker

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***

Waking up on the overly soft bed, I tried to shake off the thoughts of what the bum could have done to my house during my absence. How many holes had she managed to put in the wallpaper and tiles!

- Huaaaa. Good morning. - scratching my belly and yawning, I said hello to Arnold. Wait, I still haven't found out what he has in that syringe, I need to ask him before he skilfully ducked the subject like last time. - Hey.

- Aren't you gonna put on make-up?

- Make-up? - Damn, and how he does it.

Arnold pointed his finger towards the living room, where Sang-hyun and Jude were sitting on sofas holding mirrors. The former was fixing his hair, spraying it vigorously, the latter was applying either powder or just picking at his cheekbones with his fingers.

- No, I won't.

- Oh, so you're not one of those, are you? You're a normal bloke! - He suddenly slapped me on the back, painfully. I didn't realise which 'those' he was referring to, so I raised an eyebrow questioningly. - Not a pigeon, I mean.

- Are they gay? - I never would have guessed that Jude was sincerely trying to impress Captain America.

- Well, I don't know that for sure, but looking at them, I wouldn't be surprised.

- You know. A couple of years ago, shaved temples were considered a gay hairstyle, as were skinny jeans. Twenty years ago, not having casual sex and living a healthy lifestyle was considered gay behaviour. At the end of the last century, bodybuilders like you were considered gay....

- What are you implying now?

- Honestly, nothing. I just think it's weird to be interested in another guy's looks or preferences if you're not interested in him, that's all. By the way, what's in that shpr-" I was never able to finish my sentence before a clenched hand flew into my face. I wonder if he thinks it's gay to act hysterical and hands off?

.....

After getting help from Jude, who gave me some tissues for my bleeding nose, I went into the bathtub as soon as I saw Ricardo come out of it, oddly enough, the bandana was the only thing he was wearing besides a towel.... Is that what he's wearing to wash himself?

- Hyah! - but upon entering the bathroom, I was greeted with a scream.

- Oh! I've got a nosebleed, it's just like a pattern... Hi, Sash.

- You scared the hell out of me! And I'm neither Sasha, nor Sanek, nor Sashenka, but Alex. - Oh, as they say, there are three genders in the world: Alexander, Sasha and Alex....

Anyway, leaving the correct references behind, I turned on the water in the sink and started cleaning up the bloody footprints.

- Er, do you want some advice? - I kind of know how to wash my face. - These broads are constantly being wooed by the most handsome blokes in the world, so a pushy, provocative approach isn't going to work.... Although with your face, I don't think it's gonna work.

I wonder why people try so hard to lower my self-esteem. I look fine, I may have a puffy nose and a busted lip, my hair is messed up, my eyes are swollen from sleeping in a strange place, I haven't brushed my teeth, and I have a pimple on my chin, but otherwise I don't look bad! My forehead is so freakin' cute.

-On our way to the second test.

- We found out that each of the guys lacked greed. - everyone's staring at me in a weird way. - Now we have to see if they have willpower. Can they withstand the dangerous life that awaits the future husband of the Avengers?!

The voice in the speaker finished the bravado, the guys reacted and started an entertaining discussion about what awaited us, and I, as in my previous life, not finding anything to say, stared out the window, acting mysterious....

-Security Prison-

Unexpectedly, but we were taken to a monstrous building with concrete walls that made the prison look like a construction set made of slabs. There was an inspection procedure, they took away my shoelaces and belt, leaving me practically naked. But otherwise it's a nice place, the people are strict and you can tell they don't talk - nice.

One of the guards in a black uniform that actually looks like a uniform and not a BDSM costume ushered me into a cell and told me to wait, of course I also had a cameraman with me, also useless.

- For the guy chosen out of competition by Stark, we've got a special meet and greet! - Ripley read out the announcer's future phrases. - He's going to meet... Reno!

The doors opposite the table where I was seated opened and a little girl with an escort came out of them. Upon seeing me, her devilish smile was replaced with fright, and she began to stagger backwards.

.....

- ...

We've been sitting in silence for about five minutes now. Personally, I'm enjoying it, except that Ripley keeps waving her hand, demanding we talk.

- So... - I'm a responsible employee, after all. - Last time we only got to 'dame' and I never got round to talking about 'iku' and 'hatsui'.....

- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! - The minnow hugged her ears with her palms and shook her head from side to side. - Don't say anything! I'll introduce everything!!!

.....

- Seriously, why did I get you?" she sat with pouty lips, not resembling a child at all, not even a little bit. - How did you even get on the show? Only tens get in, and you're only an eight.

- Oh. I didn't see that coming, I can't even say it.

- What's up?

- I'm just an eight, you said. Do you like me? - is the only logical explanation for such a high score.

- Ahem! Fool! Pervert! Pussy! Don't talk rubbish! You think I'm gonna fall in love with the first guy I can talk to?! - Oh, and you thought I was the one with the communication problem. - Or what, you think those fantasies mean something?!

- Fantasies? - What's she talking about, and why is she all flushed all of a sudden?

- You pervert! How can you ask a girl something like that?!!

- How does your fantasy make me a pervert?! - My words made the minnows blush even more clearly, clearly adding anger to the embarrassment.

- M-silence! And you have to take responsibility!!!

- Oh, you do like me, all right, all right.

- No, I don't.!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who would've thought the first girl in the world to like me would be a minnow? I mean, there was that burning woman, but I'd forgotten all about her.

.....

With foreheads reddened from frequent collisions with the palm of her hand, Ripley gave us a script. A script. A sheet of themes. Plus, inexplicably from what, but she forbade me from starting a conversation.

- The weather's nice today, isn't it? - awkwardly, like a robot, the minnow spoke the first topic. - There's a nice breeze.

- Is there a draught in your cell? - How would she know about the breeze?

- Ugh! - Ripley waved her hand, suggesting that she move on to the next topic. - 'I hear you've got a girlfriend...' Really? - she stared at me unconvinced. - Erm... So can you tell me about her? Why do you like her?

Considering I basically know nothing about Flash other than what I heard her whipping herself, then:

- Big tits, I suppose?

Ripley froze in place with a blank stare, the minnows repeating after her. Somehow their dead fish eyes were a bit intense, to be honest. One of the guards, however, stuck out her breasts with a smile. I don't know why, but she had a big one, so it didn't need emphasising.

.....

- Do I have to say goodbye? - I had a hard time reading the useless one's illegible handwriting, so I clarified just in case.

- Limit yourself to 'goodbye', please. - Ripley nodded in approval at the minnow's words.

But what really do I have to say? I mean, she's in prison, and that's not the most fun place to be, like a water park. Plus, who knows, maybe my words can help her get back into society in the future instead of becoming a criminal again, so.... You have to be careful and considerate.

- When you're sharpening, don't use soap as a handle, it'll slip. - I was about to get up, but the useless one shook her head doomfully.

- Just tell me not to do it again, that there are people I should remember, or some such nonsense.

- Thanks for the hint, but... I don't think I have the right to demand anything from you or speak for anyone else. I guess all I can say is this. - a smile involuntarily appeared on my face. - Try.

For a second there was a strange atmosphere in the room, the girls, including the guards and the cameraman, stared at me intently, only this time their eyes were not like dead fish, but like puppies, and alive ones at that.

- What the hell is that supposed to mean?! - red as a tomato, the little thing asked. Apparently she really has a draught in her cell, a vegetable complexion, clearly an unhealthy sign.

- I have no idea. - The girls made a long "eh" noise, including Ripley, and I thought she had to keep quiet to keep the film going. She's useless, though, what can you take away from her? - It's your life, it's up to you, you do your best. Maybe I meant that you should find something you'll really try for. Maybe you should try and finally get out of a clearly difficult stage of your life. Honestly, I don't know, I just said what I would sometimes like to hear myself, albeit from someone who doesn't understand the context.

Standing up and stretching my neck, I paid attention to the complicated faces of the people around me and to the looks of those who were waiting for the shuttle bus from the uni.... Well, it couldn't be helped. I sat back down and said:

- Well... It's... Don't do that again, there are people you should remember and some other nonsense. - turned his head to Ripley. - So? Are we done?

- You've ruined the whole experience! Fool. - What impression is the useless one talking about?

- Bollocks! - The minnows also decided to participate in the collective insults.

- Mentally challenged. - and the busty security guard was not left out. But what did I do, I said what they wanted me to say, didn't I?!

....

As I was leaving the prison, Sang-hyun suddenly came right up to me.

- Listen, don't do the same thing on the way back that you did on the way in. - I raised an eyebrow questioningly. - I'm the alienated and mysterious one among us, so don't you dare steal my image, got it?

- I don't know, Ricardo seems to be even more mysterious, no one even knows what's behind his bandana.

- Hmm. Hey, Ricardo. - after I said that, Sang-hyun went to talk to Ricardo.

-in the mansion-

- Okay, boys, the first episode has been filmed, so we'll shoot the second episode next week. I'll tell you right away, you have to live here, you know why, but you can go out, but only for a couple of hours a day, if you try to take advantage of kindness, you're out of the show, in your own way.

- Really?! - I interrupted the useless one.

- And you all obviously want to wait for the elimination round, at least. - Clearly, they won't let me leave early. - What's said is said, but you'll be staying somewhere else for the next week. I'm giving you a heads-up so you can prepare, okay? Try to look surprised on camera, though, okay?

- Listen... - Sasha spoke. - What are you talking about? I've got a headache. We all know that the next test will be on kindness and we will have to go to the orphanage and take care of children, as it was in previous seasons. No offence, but originality is not your show's strong suit.

- No, it's not! In season two, the contestants went to a nursing home! - What camaraderie, useless has grown in my eyes by 0.02%. And my respect for her, almost up a percentage point. - Khem, anyway, you're going next week, not to an asylum, and not to a nursing home, but to....

...

...

...

- You're boring me, what's the holdup? - Alexander is clearly in a bad mood.

- Like all handsome men, he's only good with his face. - but since the nature of the useless is obvious, we all heard it. - You will spend the next week at Professor Charlize Xavier's public school for gifted teenagers.