I am Peter Parker

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***

Ah, I guess working hard at night makes me have such a good, kind, and wonderful dream. Ah, I wish I didn't have to wake up at all.

- Ahhhh!

And in it, Silver's wriggling and squirming under me, and his face is all red, oh, lovely.

- Bgghmmmm!

And she can't breathe, I think I pushed too much into her mouth. God, I'm a gentleman, so I should be gentle with a girl.

- Bgghmrgghmm!

- CHEW ON THAT BANANA PEEL, YOU BASTARD!

Oh how I love feeding her in my sleep all the fucking rubbish I've had to clean up for FOUR freaking HOURS!!!!

- Brother...

Ah, from the happy dream, even the ringing of the alarm clock was replaced by the ringing voice of my favourite sis.

- Brother.

Come on, Penny, put something in her as soon as you can. There's a tin can over there! Why the hell is there mould inside when I've only been gone for two days? I don't know, I just shouldn't have underestimated the talents of a homeless man.

- BROTHER!!!

- А?! What the... - I opened my eyes sharply and almost jumped up, but the resistance of the blanket held me up.

- Brother! - As you'd expect, an alarm clock can't be that annoying, the voice really belonged to the little one. - What are you doing here?!

Is she talking about the mess? Well, as you'd expect, four hours wasn't enough.... Ah, I want to go back to sleep, I had a bottomless bin there.

- Mm-hmm. - suddenly, something pressed into my chest.

Looking down, I nearly threw up. The bum was lying on top of me in my own t-shirt and, thank goodness, my own underwear, clinging tightly to me with her smiling face and hefty breasts.

- Get off me. - what would I use to push her off me? Oh, yeah! I should ask Penny to get a plunger. I'd hate to ruin it.

- Brother, mmm-hmm. - the little one's eyes brimmed with tears. I know what you mean, sis, I almost cried when I saw the mess. Thankfully, I managed to clean up a bit and save your psyche a bit. How could you be so close to her with that warm smile?! Brother, why don't you ever smile at me like that?!

What is she talking about? Did I touch this while I was sleeping?

- Mhmmm... - The bastard buried herself deeper into my chest, smearing her drool. That's disgusting.

- BROTHER, YOU'RE A FOOL! - without telling me why she was here, the little one ran outside. I bet she couldn't take the rest of the dump.

Only now I have one problem....

- Mm-hmm. - who's bringing the plunger?

.....

- Ow... - somehow, I managed to reach the slipper. - Look, I know I'm a bit of a mess, but is it too much to treat me like a cat?

- At least they bring dead mice into the house, but yesterday I had to catch a live one, and a rat!

- Oh, you caught it! Phooey. It's safe to stay here.

Does the con artist really think I'm gonna let her stay in my house after all that mess? Somebody's in for a big disappointment. But what's more important now:

- Breakfast. - Given the boxes of food, the fridge must be stocked. - Should I fry myself some eggs and bacon? Or make a light porridge?

- Yeah, tough choice. I'd love a waffle, but if it's a choice between scrambled eggs and porridge ... I'm probably gonna go with the porridge. - With her fingers to her chin, the Bastard said thoughtfully.

- Э? What makes you think you'll get breakfast too?

- Come on, as if it makes such a big difference to cook for one person or for a couple? - well not really, I often cook for several days anyway, which can be interpreted as several people.

- The hell with you, only this time you're helping in the kitchen, got it? - The silver-haired bastard nodded with an even wider smile. It was either that she liked helping people, or that she wanted me to take it back, because she knew that her pleasure only made me mad. But no way, I'm not fooled by that.

Maybe I should have turned her down altogether, huh? What can I do, if I'm such a kind and well-mannered gentleman who can't pass by a man in distress, how could that man not be a disgusting bum and not deserve to be tortured with water for the fact that the floor is still fucking sticky!

- Haa... Breathe, Peter, it'll be okay, one day she'll die of.... Never mind, just die. - I smiled as I walked over to the fridge. However, when I opened it. - Shit!

I had to slam the door shut abruptly, as the pungent smell of rotten food crashed into my nose. Fearing the worst, I walked to the front wall of the kitchen, pushed the bin aside, and found that....

- B~O~M~M~J~A~R~A, why is the cord from the fridge unplugged! - The thought that I was generally afraid that the fridge had broken a little softened my anger.

- Oh that's right, I forgot to switch it back on, oops. - Why didn't I pick up a meat cleaver when I was shopping for kitchen supplies? It would have come in handy right about now. - I just wanted to tidy up a bit, I decided to start with the kitchen as it was the least cluttered, I found a hoover and plugged the cord from it into the nearest socket which was occupied.

- Then why didn't you clean it up? - don't tell me there was more rubbish? We've already taken out nine bags!

- Because your hoover wasn't sucking up a damn thing! - Is it broken? Or did it--

- Did you touch the air inlet regulator. - or whatever it's called?

- I didn't touch anything! I just adjusted the volume, that's all!

- ...

- What? - She raised an eyebrow with genuine interest, which left me no choice but to put my palm to my forehead.

.....

Having sacrificed the bum, sending her without a gas mask to get something out of the fridge that hadn't gone rotten yet, I brewed tea, with a pleasant leafy flavour. Unfortunately, she had survived her expedition and even got some food. Which I threw in a pan and started frying, out of harm's way.

- Here you go. - I put a plate in front of the bum.

- What's this? - Staring at the dish, she asked in disbelief.

- I don't know, a fried mixture of beetroot, a piece of meat, cheese, basil, dough and something else.

- Are you sure you can eat that? It's not poisoned, is it? Ha ha.

- Of course it's not poisoned, who do you think I am? Here, I handed her a fork and knife. - Go ahead, start without me.

- Yeah, right away! What am I, a taster?!

- No, you can taste the flavour, so you're more of a miner's canary. - I cut off a small piece of her portion and then I forked it. - Here, say: amm~

- L- Okay, that's fine. - With her eyes closed in fear, Bastard took the food off the fork with a sharp grip.

- Well? No nausea? No dizziness? Maybe you're dying.

- Oh, it's okay. Not a culinary masterpiece, of course, but not bad.

- Tsk. - unable to hide my disappointment, I clucked my tongue.

- Hey, I'd be offended if I didn't feel guilty! 

Well, considering how eagerly she's munching away, I guess it's okay to eat, and I probably won't get food poisoning. With that thought in mind, I started eating myself.

- Mm-hm! - it dawned on me in the process. I'm eating from the same fork on which I stabbed the piece that later ended up in her mouth. Hence, we were eating from the same fork..... - Ugh. I'm gonna be sick!

- Come on, beetroot and basil don't go well together, don't be so hard on yourself. - Uggh, that luscious smile makes me even more nauseous!

.....

While I was cuddling my white mate in the bathroom, there was a sharp slamming of the door from the hallway. Not having the slightest hope that the bum had decided to return to her native habitat, I went out to meet the guest. Which turned out to be...

- Who are you? - I don't know who at heart.

Some random brunette with sharp eyes entered me without permission, and is standing now, staring at me with a smile.

- Hello, Peter. - although... Hmm, I may have met her somewhere. I'm sure it's just an impression. - I have a proposition for you. - I opened my purse and pulled out a wad of cash.

- Here, exactly $100,000. Almost exactly what you owe your boss at the bookstore. Yeah, I'm aware of your debt. I've been aware of a lot of things about you these days.

Sounds kind of creepy, and she looks ominous.

Oh, man, what am I thinking, it's obvious!

- Are you my new neighbour? Did the postman get the addresses wrong again? I'm sorry. - I don't suppose the boss is writing me threatening letters now? Kidnapping wasn't enough? - I appreciate the gesture, I really do, especially since we don't even know each other, but I'll be getting the money soon. So you don't have to lend it to me.

Cute girl, looks about Penny's age if she hadn't been cursed for her bad character with lolism, and already so serious looking. Behind him, though, such a kind soul! Wow, seeing a stranger guy in a difficult life situation, just a neighbour, came to his aid, and how. A hundred thousand is a lot of money, and she's willing to lend it to me just because of a threatening letter. God, it's people like that that give me faith in humanity.

- No. You know each other? - it's a bit amazing how such a kind soul can make such a scary face, looking at me now like a serial killer. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How dare you?! Peter Parker, you fool!!!

The second girl ran out of my house in tears today, but at least with this one, a kind soul, I can see why she came.

As I went to close the door, I ran into a third girl in tears standing on the porch.

- She's gone, hasn't she? - The useless one was as white as chalk. Was it because of her looks alone that she was so frightened of her neighbour? Yeah, useless, you should learn not to judge a book by its cover. You're useless for a reason, though.

.....

- Do you realise that you've caused us to lose hours of filming time?! That the arrival scene will now be filmed in the evening! - Ripley came to her senses and started to piss me off. The sad thing is, I had nothing to say in my defence.

- It's fun to hear people shouting at you, but who is she? - The hobo interjected.

- Yeah, I was wondering the same thing. - Ripley cast a glance in the con artist's direction, then returned her glare to me.

- I've met her, Bastard's a useless bastard. Useless is a bastard.

- Hey!

- Hey! Hey!

And they hit it off pretty quickly.

.....

- Okay, we should get to the lodge and then to the mutants. - Ripley grabbed my hand and dragged me towards the front door.

- Well have a nice day, Parker. - The con artist waved me off with a smile as she strode into the living room, adjusting the line of her panties on her bum.

- No-no, you're coming with me! - However, I broke free of the useless one's grip and grabbed the bastard's arm myself.

- Why all of a sudden?

- Why all of a sudden?

Again with the chorus? Surely they're not twins?

- Why should I suddenly go somewhere with you? - The hobo whispered in my ear.

- Because if you don't go, tomorrow I'll be in Mexico playing Playstation, or walking on the beach, the kind of occupation will depend on the time of day, maybe I'll be asleep. Either way, you're the one who's gonna have to deal with the boss. Are you sure that's what you want?

She smiled for a second, as if my threat was nothing to her, and then a thought struck her, and her face turned pale, and she nodded reluctantly.

- Look, this isn't a community centre where you can bring anyone, your sister or a homeless person. - Oh, I didn't expect the useless one to be so perceptive. - So unless there's some extraordinary reason to bring her along. Stop with the silly ideas and let's go and film the trip, the meeting and beyond.

Reasons, huh? I've got one foolproof reason for every occasion!

- It's love, she's my girlfriend and I can't live without her! - I hugged the bum, suppressing all my vomiting, itching and suicidal urges.

- So she's your girlfriend?! Wait! You said you broke up with your girlfriend last night.

- Yeah, I broke up with that one. This one's new. I got her last night.

- What are girls, puppies?! And she's your girlfriend, she's-- - Ripley ran her gaze over Silver's lush silver hair, then brushed the debris from her own; ran her gaze over her voluminous breasts, then down to the barely perceptible bumps; ran her gaze along the curves of her wide hips and narrow waist, taking her gaze again along the subtly distorted straight line. - WOWAAA! I'm really useless!!!!

It finally got to her!!!