I am Peter Parker

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***

After another verbal altercation with Bomjara, I left for a communal breakfast and then a communal shower. Thankfully this time there was no incident and I went off to do a little bit of filming, some of the scenes in which I had some questions.

- Erm... Can you explain why I have to squeeze cream from a pastry syringe onto Sang-hyun's face while he's pretending to look for a lens on the floor? - I don't usually go into detail about my work unless it's specific, but I'm having some doubts about this scene.

- Madam Director? - Ripley approached the woman in the black glasses with a kind of distrust.

- I'm an artist and I can see! - The same exhaled so that steam came out of her nostrils, and hit herself in the chest with the Megaphone with all her might. How do I know it's full force? - Awww... That hurts, and why am I born flat, awwww.

- Okay, Pete, let's get this over with. Arnold hugged Jude from behind, telling him how to apply the cream. And Sash--

- Alex!

- And Alex got the strawberries out from under Ricardo's scruff. So don't sweat it, uwaaah. - why did Sang-hyun stick his tongue out and put his hands out?

Okay, work is work, I guess?

- Ah! It's so warm and, umm, delicious... - but why do I feel bad about the thought of my aunts and Penny seeing it?

.....

- Um... So why are we in swim trunks? - somehow the scene of making dessert for the mutants as a gift for hospitality got that twist.

- Madam Director? - Trying not to look at us for too long, as indeed many of the girls in the room did, Ripley turned to the director again.

- Uhhhh.... Ughhhh... - who was breathing wide open as her nose was bleeding. - What?! Because I'm an artist! And anyway, it all makes sense, you got dirty while you were cooking! You shouldn't have been so sloppy!

- But you yourself--

- Shut up! Peter, how can you even say anything to me?! Look at your crotch! - I raised an eyebrow and looked down, not seeing anything unusual on myself or my swimming trunks. - Where's your potato?! Sock?! Aubergine?! Why didn't you put anything in your swimming trunks for relief?!

- А?.. - unable to understand why she was screaming, I tilted my head.

- And why can I see your hair sticking out of there anyway! - because your trunks are a couple of sizes too small? - We're not filming a fetish show here!

- Are you sure? - without letting me speak any further, the guys elbowed me from both sides and then told me with their eyes not to waste time.

How making a cake relates to wrestling in a pool of cream is a mystery to me, but I did the Stiles Clash and the High Fly Flop to Ricardo and Arnold. For which the director once again berated me for mixing wrestling into freestyle wrestling.

Ehhh. I wish I had a bat with barbed wire and a couple of kendo sword lamps right now....

.....

- What?! What the hell?! - I shrieked, before the last scene, because we'd finally managed to make a two metre cake.

- You didn't think it would work! Ha haaaa.

- Well, I still don't think it's edible after what went on with the ingredients. And, Madam Director, why do you have our swimming trunks on your face...?

- Eww-Haaa. For the sake of art! Don't ask stupid questions! - I liked her better when she had less creative control, when we were going by the script with the studio. - Go ahead, decide which one of you is gonna get inside the cake! And hurry up, before I'm off the hook!

- Not me! - the guys put their index fingers to their noses. I'd forgotten about it by just saying it out loud.

- Good luck, Peter. - Jude hugged me and patted me on the back. - We believe in you, don't let us down.

- I'd do it myself, but I'm too big for cake. - Arnold, on the other hand, showed off his biceps.

- Maybe we should vote or at least discuss it.

- Be a man, put on a thong and get in! - Alexander resented my suggestion.

- Let's vote... - God bless Ricardo and his bronchitis!

- Okay, who is in favour of Peter's candidacy? - Four raised their hand, and you Ricardo too! - All those against?

Sang-hyun and I raised our hands.

- Huh? Sang-hyun, are you willing to get in the cake for me?

- Of course, I owe you one. - He gave me a brave smile and a thumbs up. - Even though it will bring my name into the mud, no, it will destroy the reputation of my entire band, which will result in the label terminating our contract and my and my guys' careers, our families disowning us because of the harshness of Korean mores, and we'll have no choice but to end our lives by jumping off a bridge, I'm willing to take your place.

- I see. So. You sure you're okay with this?

**Rogue**

After escorting the guys into the kitchen, we were sent to the next room, to wait and alert anyone that the kitchen was occupied by a film crew.

I felt much more relaxed in Peter's company today than I had yesterday, although it was still awkward to talk after what had happened. He was silent the whole way, probably tired, I could tell.

- Boring... - Ulyana said. - Tell me, Megan, why are you so happy?... The new issue of your favourite magazine is coming out soon?

- That's right! - Megan clapped her hands, apparently remembering the very existence of the magazine. - And life just keeps getting better.

- If you'd like to share something with me, I'd be happy for you. - playfully poked her in the shoulder Jubilee.

- Right. - abruptly Megan remembered something again, staring at me. - Rowgusik~, will you walk Alex for me and I'll walk Peter?

Did she have a fight with Sashenka, who had managed to teach her, albeit in a robot voice, to pronounce his name correctly?

- Well, I don't pr--

- Wow, what a surprise. - Roberta interrupted me. - I was going to ask Rogue to switch with me. I wanted to continue our argument about coincidences and meanings alone in his room last night.

- Huh? - Clearly not picking up on the lustful intonation, Megan tilted her head. - I promised to help him with the packing and, as they say, the sooner we start, the sooner we finish, and you can continue the silly argument in front of me.

- Under other circumstances, I wouldn't mind, and I'd even offer to join in. But for now, I don't feel like sharing.

- Erm... Speaking of Peter... - Ulyana began uncertainly, scratching her jaw. - It seems... He has a crush on me...

In silence we all looked at her, some of us shocked, some of us annoyed, some of us disgusted.

- Yesterday he was talking about the attraction between us, or something like that, plus.... He kissed me again.

- Don't worry Ulyana, that perverted bastard kissed my arse yesterday! Such a freak is incapable of love! - slammed Jubilee's table with anger.

- Haa... Don't get too worked up, just chill out a bit. - Roberta blew cold air in her direction. -

I'm a double victim, and I'm not complaining.

- Yeah, you seem to be enjoying it. - I jokingly said.

Actually, what I'm hearing is causing me a fair amount of confusion about what kind of person Peter is, given how my meeting with him yesterday went. Could there have been some accident in their conversations that led to kissing and caressing? Although in terms of probability, it was my conversation without incident that was an accident.....

- Ugh! Your sanctimony is making my ears pop! It's okay for a good-looking guy to be a little loose! - Megan was so excited about being a knight on a white horse, she even got out of her chair. - And I'm sure you're exaggerating out of spite, ego or pink fantasy!

While Megan was drowning in pride, not noticing the 'loving' looks of the trio she was pointing her finger at and telling off, Kiti suddenly spoke up:

- He was propositioning me orally.... Literally.

There was silence after her words, ringing in the emptiness of our thoughts and eyes.

- ...To do or to receive? - Roberta was the quickest to realise, and then she went on to do her own thing.

- Do or get. What does it matter?!

- Such that now I'm definitely switching with Rogue and escorting him to his room.

- N-No, I'm escorting him! We need to talk to him.

- Ho-ho, is Uliana willing to sacrifice herself and be a victim of his filthy indiscretions? Personally, I'm ready to sacrifice myself, for my friends and only because of you.

- No! I'm changing, he asked me to help!

For some time the trio continued to argue, pissing off Jubilee and Kitty, who added remarks that fuelled the fire. I, on the other hand, sat quietly, eating biscuits and milk; it was delicious, until.....

- Well!

- Come on!

- Speak!

- Rogue!

- Who are you switching with?!

Until five evil-looking eyes stared me right in the soul. With such intensity, I choked.

- Um. How about a practical joke? - I broke out in a cold sweat.

We decided to determine who would see Peter off by drawing cards. Megan had contracted me to join in to increase her chances of success in front of Roberta and Ulyana. I don't understand how or why that should work, just as I don't understand why Kitty and Jubilee joined the prank; they're kind of disgusted with Peter, aren't they? The winner was...

** Later. Peter's inside the cake.

Well. Here I am. Inside the cake, in tango shorts that I put on myself. There was a scene proposed by the director where the guys undress me, but... I decided to take the path of less resistance and fanservice.

- Dear teachers and principal, we are happy to thank you... - the hostess began her pathetic speech.

Could I refuse? Not according to my contract. How I got my contract in the first place is an equally interesting question that came as news to me. It turns out that when I signed for the clothes from the studio, a contract of a hundred paragraphs, made up of words with five meanings each in turns, had embedded in it the option to change the clothing rental contract to a labour contract. By the way, the contract also disqualifies me from participating in any other reality shows for life. Which is certainly a tragedy for me.....

- The deceitful world of showbiz....

- Peter, it's time. - came the voice of Useless in my earpiece.

- ...

- Peter, it's time! - After a silence, Ripley repeated. I, on the other hand, continued to pretend that the equipment was out of order. - I think something's gone wrong. He's not answering.

- It's OK, I had a plan for that... - came from the Director's voice in the background, which gave me a bad feeling....

**A couple of minutes before. The Lancea**

We were gathered in one of the school's dining halls to thank them for their hospitality. A blatantly fake sign of goodwill, especially against the backdrop of the kidnapping of the boy. But a position in the community obliges one to attend and smile for the camera.

Originally, the celebration was supposed to include female students, but Ripley Ryan has hinted otherwise, who can tell why?

- Should we expect anything? - I asked Emma Frost, sitting next to me as a huge cake was brought out to us.

- Hmm? Well the people who brought the cake in are not aware of anything, and neither is the presenter, she's thinking about her husband and his other wives. The director and Ripley have got a weird drug addled delusion in their heads, if the former can fit in her head at all, the latter is thinking about Peter in tango pants inside the cake.

- God, how stupid is that?

- What was I saying?

Calming down, I laughed along with Emma at the silly nonsense in Ripley's head, as....

**A couple of minutes ago. Kitty.

- That's annoying!

First I win a stupid raffle I didn't even want to enter. I was just trying to ruin Roberta's chances so she wouldn't do anything stupid with that pervert. Now I have to wait for him! The other guys have already broken up with the girls, while I have to wait for him to give a speech to the teachers! 

What kind of speech? A speech? But then why was Alex giggling while he was talking about it? Maybe with a song? Is it because Parker got stepped on by a bear?

- He's going to embarrass himself then.....

I GOTTA SEE THIS!

**A few minutes before. Ripley.

I don't like this whole cake idea. What can I say? I'm just an assistant and the director's an award-winning director. The studio bosses would eat out of her hand just to keep her name on it.

- Peter, it's time. - after getting the director's go-ahead, I contacted Parker.

- ... - There was silence. I waited a few seconds, but he still hadn't jumped out of the cake.

- Peter, it's time! - the director began to lose her temper and wave furiously.

- ... - had Peter decided to pretend the equipment was out of order? That's very clever of him, I'll play along.

- Something seems to have gone wrong. He's not answering. - just as I was about to suggest we call it quits, a smile spread across the director's face.

- It's okay, I had a plan for that. - sounds ominous. - Speaking of counting, three.... Two. One. Launch!

* Explosion *

Suddenly, the cake was shattered, and the faces of everyone in the room were covered in cream. Worried, I looked to see if Peter was okay.

- What the hell? He was staggering, holding his ears.

- Quick, get to the sexiest dance on planet earth! - shouted enthusiastically into the microphone.

- А?!

- Tectonics!

- А?! I think I'm deaf! Fucking hell, I can't even hear myself!

- Useless!

While I stared at Peter, worried both for him and for the loss of my job if he sued the studio, Madam Director herself jumped onto the table, stripped down to her underwear, and proceeded to dance, tectonics in full view of the dumbfounded and cream-covered mutant girls.