I am Peter Parker

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***

A cold breeze, befitting the approaching evening, blew across my lonely face as I made my way back home once again. The burning girl had apparently fallen for my bluff and run away; Glenn had rushed right after her, apparently in pursuit with the intention of calming her down, he's a good guy that way; the boss and the guards had taken a promissory note from me and quoted me a price for the damage.

- Haa... - I could only let out a heavy, depressed sigh at the amount.

As a result, I need to dig up somewhere almost one hundred thousand dollars, or, to be more precise, ninety-nine thousand nine hundred ninety-nine dollars and ninety-nine cents.... Otherwise, I was promised some kind of paradise conditions and hard, sweaty work. I don't know what that means, but I don't like to sweat, so I don't think it's a good thing.

- Shit. - I scratched my head because of the intrusive thought that was keeping me from thinking clearly.

That kiss. I liked it.

- Am I really gay?

Given the gigabytes of educational material on my computer, that's a pretty surprising conclusion. But could there be any other explanation for the fact that I almost kissed the crap out of and undressed my best friend, a guy? Of course, there's still the theory that he's a reverse trap, but.... Who am I trying to fool? There's no getting away from the truth. There's a good chance I'm playing for the Blue Jays.

- We should check it out, make sure I'm really a sky guy.

Idea! If I enjoyed making out with Glenn and I'm really gay, I should just find another bloke and make out with him! I'm sure it won't be easy, given the ratio of men to women in this world, and.....

- Boyfriend!

When I saw that the bloke was covered in chocolate, had nine chins and wasn't walking, my enthusiasm faded. After all, I didn't find myself in a rubbish dump!

- Another one!

When he turned to face me, I almost added "probably", because he was so dressed up.... No, that bloke's too gay-looking to make out with.

.....

- Haaah. - At the fact that I never got to meet a guy for hickeys, I let out another heavy sigh, well at least there's a house around this corner.

*Squeak*

Is that sound in my head again? I definitely need to see a doctor sometime, although America with its paid medicine looks scary, and when to find the time?

- Oh, for fuck's sake! - came out of my mouth when I finally turned and saw a red smoking iron suit in a small crater, right on the carriageway.

Reasoning that it was none of my business, and heroes always have emergency plans, at the very least, I'm sure her friends were rushing over here. I decided to pass by, pretending not to notice. As suddenly...

- Attention! Attention! Please help! - came the voice of a robot.

However, just as I thought before - a plan, folks; I'm sure everything is in place.

- If help is not rendered within five minutes, self-destruct sequence will commence! - and why am I so unlucky?!

- Stop! Why the hell did you have to install it in the first place?!

.....

- GHAAAAAA-GHAAAA!

I finally got this thing home! Damn, it's heavy!

- The extraction procedure begins. - After that, the armour opened up, revealing the mistress in a tight-fitting costume like from some mech anime.

- STOP!!!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THIS HALF AN HOUR AGO?!!

- Then I would have been left there, and I don't like being alone.

- Aren't you the programme? Can't you just go home online or something?

- ...I didn't think of that.

- SHE DIDN'T THINK OF THAT?! TIN MAN!

- Julia.

- Not while you're in my house, you're a bloody tin can!

- Self-destruct sequence initiated. Five. Four. Three.

- All right! Julia.

Ugh, that upgraded robot hoover gave me a headache. Not only did I have to pull the thing, but I had to talk to it the whole way, and as soon as I let go, it started counting down. But after talking to her, I'm not so upset that I turned out to be gay.

- I would like to point out that you are too loud for the average person. Most of the time, people have much quieter conversations that are pleasant.

- PLEASANT?! WHAT'S THAT?!

- Hmm... - the brunette is starting to regain consciousness.

- See? Told you you were loud. - for some reason that damn mechanical voice had a sarcastic tone to it.

- W-where am I? Well, the brunette asked the most original question possible.

.....

After briefly explaining the situation and first aid, I started cooking. I'm the only one cooking for two, right, not three?

- Strange bloke. - Yeah, and he can hear you from the kitchen, Miss Stark. - He was indifferent to my magnificent body while he was bandaging it.

- That's because he has a particular preference. - Well! How the hell did that bloody iron find out about my orientation?! Is it that obvious?!!! Then why did it take me two incomplete lifetimes to find out?!

- What?! - expecting Teresa to throw her blue eyes in my direction, I quickly turned away, pretending to wash my vegetables. - What is he, some kind of fetishist? Geez, I hope he didn't touch me anywhere special.

- Not you. But me. Kya!

- Who the hell is "Chia"? - Stark and I said it together.

.....

Feeling very awkward, Stark and I sat down at the table. I made spaghetti, or rather pasta, plus tomato sauce, plus leftovers from the fridge. Hopefully none of the ingredients went bad.... Anyway, we won't know until tomorrow, and she won't be here tomorrow, so I'm safe.

- Where's my portion? What, if I'm a programme, do I have to sit at an empty table? Robot-hater detected.

- Haa. Here. - expecting this, I brought a portion of iron.

- You are aware that I am a computer programme whose function is not to eat, right? - how much I hate my life right now.

- And so boy...? - Stark stretched out.

- ... - I waited in silence for her question.

- A boy? - is she wondering what my gender is? Weird. - What's your name?

- Ah. П-...

- Peter Parker. - the iron man answered for me. - Occupation...

.....

Iron accompanied his story about me, with so much detail that I listened to it, all through dinner, tea and washing up.

- Now, let's get to the full history of internet enquiries. - even have that information on me? Well, it doesn't really bother me, I've got absolutely nothing to hide. - Including incognito searches and VPN searches.

- Stop standing there! - Okay, maybe not absolutely.

- So you're the bad boy, huh? - Stark's tone was oddly tired, and I think she was trying to put a different tone in it, but failed.

- You know, hearing that from someone whose business is beating up "bad" people is a little alarming.

- Oh, yeah? You don't like it when a girl dominates?

- And you also make weapons, you have robots that fly and shoot things.... Why am I starting to feel like a hostage?

- Manufactured, not manufactured. Haa. - she let out a tired groan and dropped the pompousness. - Tell me, is this a technique?

- Technique? - in not understanding interrogated me.

- Yes. So you make girls' heads spin, pretending not to understand the inexpensive? - While I did not buy what she was talking about, Stark got up from the table and came close to me. - Come on. We're both adults, I'm sure with a face like that, you've definitely had time to 'grow up', so spill it, what do you want? I'm in a pretty good mood, maybe I'll fulfil your whim.

- Erm. I take it you're hinting at something again, but I have enough headaches without guessing.

- О... - Stark said smugly. - "'Headache enough,' you mean?" Okay, I'm kind of curious, and I'm kind of excited for you, so just tell me.

She's really pushing me hard. I feel like I've offended her somehow by helping her. I know she's had a difficult labour and all, but to be spoken to like that in your own house is infuriating.

- Miss Stark, is your body all right? I'm fine. Have you eaten? I have. So maybe it's time for you to go home. I'm sure I should. - with a smile, I began to gently push the heroine into the hallway.

- Yeah, you're quite a player. - I continued to listen to her words half-heartedly, I was genuinely bored. - What will you think of next, to persuade me to have sex and...

- Wait, what? Sex with you? You're in your late 30s, you're old enough to be my mother. - No, she's a femme fatale, that's for sure, although I wouldn't be surprised if the make-up was removed...

- ?!! - her face reddened, her breathing quickened - she's furious. - Stop! There's a--

*(front door slams)

- Saved! - came out of my mouth as soon as I got the heroine out the door. Hopefully, like games with a note about choices that have consequences, it'll all work out.

*(Knocking on door)

She's pushy! And she's shouting. Okay, if she keeps this up, I'll open the door. In the meantime, I can finally relax in my house and leave the problems to tomorrow's me. That loser's gonna be in a world of hurt.

- You wanted to be alone with me so badly that you even forced Miss Stark out... - oh, God, no. - Kya, I'm blushing.

- YOUR COLOUR IS ORIGINALLY RED, YOU FUCKING IRON!

**The next day. Midtown High School for Girls. Peter.

As if last night's brainwashing wasn't enough, the next morning I got the following text from my sister:

- Peter, we need to talk. Come to my school as soon as classes are over.

- Can't we talk somehow without me having to drag you somewhere? Like on the phone, for example?

- If you don't come, I'll take offence and never speak to you again!

- Honestly? You swear?

Of course, she's my sister, so I had no choice but to go. I had time to think about work, finding money, why Glenn was acting so weird at school and what I wanted to talk about. Obviously, anyone would have wanted to talk about what had happened, but we couldn't talk about it, because I was a good brother, concerned about my sister's problems! Yes, very concerned about her problems.

My orientation seems to be the easiest of all my problems. I just need to find a guy who doesn't look like the two of us from yesterday and convince him-.

Wait! Maybe I'm on the wrong side of the tracks. Maybe I just liked the kiss as an act independent of the participant. Then I just need to kiss again to be sure. And it doesn't matter who it's with, it could even be a girl!

- Only thing is.

Where can I find a girl to kiss? There are lots of girls around, but they are all busy whispering to each other, and when our eyes meet - they immediately take them away, damn knows why. So where am I going to get a girl to kiss me?

- If girls fell from the sky, life would be a lot easier... Haaaah!

As I covered my eyes and let out a heavy sigh, something heavy flew into my hands. Opening my eyes, I met the gaze of a blonde haired kid with split ends and big brown eyes.

Is this fate?

But I can't just kiss her, it would be wrong somehow...?

Then I have no choice but to kiss her.

- Will you be my girlfriend?

- Will you?

And that was the day I, Peter Parker, got a girlfriend.