I Was Sick of Loving You

1 – Nightmare

I had a dream.

A nightmare that eats into my life.

The nightmare was sweet at first.

The only blood relative of Duke Brandt, the guardian of the north, and a woman who has earned the title of divinity. We got engaged to Iris Brandt by family agreement.

I couldn’t believe it at first. My family, the Norman Counts, is not even close enough to discuss engagement with the Brandt Dukes, and I am a common third son of an aristocratic family who does not even engage in external activities.

Nevertheless, this engagement was made possible because the only heir, Iris Brandt, was a woman, and a son-in-law without political influence was needed.

It was said that he would become a worthless supporter, but the joy of being engaged to a woman he admired did not fade, but rather grew.

The first meeting, which was greeted with joy, was as desolate as the northern winter to be the first meeting of fiances.

Snow-white skin, which is a characteristic of northerners, blue hair that creates a mysterious atmosphere, beautifully swaying, and beautiful golden eyes that look like they were made by melting gold. Everything was of perfect beauty, but there was no emotion in the eyes looking at me, it was like a golden sea of unknown depth.

Her voice as they greeted her was as desolate as the northern wind.

After greeting each other, the first thing she said was ‘a sword is enough for conversation.’

The first words at the first meeting of the fiancée were inappropriate, but as a sword-bearer, I was overjoyed to be able to share a sword with a woman who was called a divinity.

As we exchanged swords, the sword she showed me took away my heart. On a beautiful and lean sword path, the path my polished sword could go was getting blocked and my defeat was imminent, but even this situation made me happy and excited.

Standing in front of her as a swordsman and facing each other, feeling the weight of the name Divinity and the weight of the sword she had sharpened, made my heart race even more.

It wasn’t long before my defeat was decided.

“not bad.”

She, who did not show a single disorganization even after swords facing each other, left those words behind and went back.

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Looking at the place where she left, I meditate on the beauty that comes from the slightly raised corners of the mouth, lively eyes, and overwhelming swordsmanship.

It is a desolate and strange meeting for the first time between the fiancées. Even so, I was captivated by her, and my heart beat like crazy when she said it wasn’t bad, and I fell into the thought that if I worked harder, I might be recognized by her.

But the day my wish came true never came.

Her skills show the face of a genius who knows no limits, and goes far beyond my reach.

But unlike everyone else, I can be by her side.

Thinking so, I poured everything into her heart so that even a handful of my heart could reach her.

As a husband, she sought all the learning she could to learn so as not to damage her status, and acted with awareness of each posture, gesture, and word so that she could become a strict yet gentle person to her subordinates.

He also polished his swordsmanship without giving up, and when he subdued the troublesome barbarians, he stood at the forefront and did not disappear.

When he experienced his first murder, he also endured the heat of the blood gushing out and the ill effects of the gushing intestines. Every night I struggled with that sensation that reminded me of it, but I didn’t reveal it. I hugged myself and endured it. Even when he was wounded, he did not show his pain.

I lived like that and gave everything.

But let alone her laughter, I couldn’t even see a fragment of her emotions.

It’s because I’m still lacking and immature.

I think so and endure the pain.

As I got used to the awkward life, like the clothes I wore for the first time, my son Evan, who resembled her, was born.

I still can’t forget the moment Evan was born. The fact that the existence of a child is so small, light, and lovable, and tears flowed endlessly at the emotion and joy of the child’s warmth.

I saw her who must have suffered and shed tears of joy. His expressionless face since the first meeting, for some reason, looked a little sad today.

That was the first and last time I saw her feelings.

Two years after Evan’s birth, this time a daughter, Ellie, who looks a lot like her, was born. The joy Ellie gave me was different from the joy Evan gave me, but like the first time, it gave me a great joy that I couldn’t handle.

Also, over the years, children who used to lie down and cry or laugh have grown into lovely, curious mischievous people who don’t seem to get sick even if they put them in their eyes.

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Lovely children who give me so much joy that I can’t contain them all in my heart just by walking around or calling them daddy. She didn’t even show her face to those kids.

There was a lot of dissatisfaction with that fact, but there was nothing special.

I lived with her for 10 years, but there was nothing I could do other than understand her, who lived like a stone statue, who lived like a person addicted to work, let alone the way she smiled. That’s why she swallowed her complaints and poured out so much love that the children couldn’t feel her vacancy.

For me, who had spent years just hoping that my children would be happy and healthy, a terrible winter has come.

The children, who were bright and laughing a lot when they were young, began to show less laughter and emotional expressions at some point, and then, like her, they became ice-like and the distance got farther and farther away. I felt something was wrong, but I couldn’t do anything about it and I didn’t even know why.

I wanted to know the reason, so I read every book in the library, neglecting the daily training. After devouring all the books in the library, he found the reason in the diaries of the heads of households.

The Brandt family had been cursed from the very beginning. As the bloodlines of the Brandt family grew, their hearts gradually died and their emotional lines faded.

The early family heads, who could feel a little bit of emotion by looking at the diary, tried numerous ways to lift this curse, but all failed. The patriarch, who was unable to feel emotions for the first time, accepted the curse, saying that it is more advantageous to protect the north because it is better to protect the family without emotions.

Since then, there has been no movement to find Haeju law in the family.

My teeth trembled when I saw the story.

How can a life with no emotions and only obligations be a human life? Except for the fact that they unconditionally follow the wizard’s orders, what is the difference between them and the golems created by the wizard?

The thought of saving her and the children from such a terrible life and curse dominated my mind.

From then on, in order to see the smiling faces of her and the children, she struggled not to hand over this curse to her children until the end.

I have explored and found everything related to Haeju using every method available to me. However, all methods found have failed. After all methods failed, he tried to reach out to a legend like a straw, and visited an unknown land inhabited by savages and other tribes, which were said to have various mysteries, but to no avail.

Even so, I thought that there must be a way somewhere, and I did not give up hope and tried harder. However, the ending was that she and her children were told not to do meaningless things, and she was kicked out of the annex and treated as a crazy person.

I wait endlessly for her and the children in an outbuilding with nothing but a minimum of attendants to help me.

But they haven’t come for years.

Now I realize that I mean nothing to them. I found that my hopes were in vain.

Time passed and I turned 55.

55 years old. An age at which it would not be strange for a commoner to die for various reasons. If you are a noble, your body has weakened, but you are still at an age where you can afford it. To those who wield the sword, if they do not die in war or an accident, they will clearly feel that the bones of their bodies ached from overexertion on a rainy day, and that their heyday is over, but they will laugh loudly, saying that they are still in their prime.

At such an age, I am dying.

Was it because he was sick, or did he ask him to obtain a curse during various attempts while searching for a cure?

My well-trained body looks ugly and dry like the body of a sick person. My brown hair, common in the Empire, has been bleached to gray like that of an unsightly old man.

I feel that death is not far away.

I could have called the councilor and the priest, but I didn’t call because I didn’t feel the meaning of living any longer. Just thinking that this desolate and quiet annex would be suitable for my coffin, I decided to die here.

Waiting for my end in a faded world.

While I was waiting for my deathbed, I saw a pendant that was said to make my wish come true.

A pendant that is said to make a wish come true, but no one actually has a wish come true. I pretended to be deceived and made a wish and prayed, but nothing happened so I left it alone.

For some reason, such a pendant flickers before my eyes in the annex.

I don’t know if it’s because it’s time to die, or if it’s because I have so many remaining lingering lingering feelings, I don’t know, but I thought it suited my meaningless life until the end, so I made a last wish.

“Even after my death, I hope that the curse on Iris, Evan, and Ellie will be lifted so that they can smile happily when something good happens, shed tears and be sad when something sad happens, and enjoy this world. I hope the end of the winter that froze their hearts will come.

… If not, I’d rather it all be a fleeting dream.”

I genuinely wanted to wish for happiness for them, but regret and skepticism about life took over.

The fact that the end of loving a woman, being abandoned by her and the children and dying in solitude was so painful, so if I hadn’t loved from the beginning, wouldn’t I have had to go through this pain? Or if I didn’t feel emotions like them, I wouldn’t have been sick.

Indulging in such thoughts, along with a handful of tears, even a handful of strength left in my sick and aged body drains away. Consciousness sinks into the far darkness, and my painful life comes to an end.