I Was Sick of Loving You

2 – thoughts

“Ha ha… ha… ha…”

He breathes heavily, like a man who has overworked his body.

Even if I breathe like this, my body cannot calm down and trembles with longing for breath. After holding my breath for a while, the shaking stopped. Then I raised my head and looked around.

It is dark and bluish light at dawn. While sober, a fairly large room came into view. It was a modest and thrifty room for an aristocrat, with little furniture and only a few swords on the walls as ornaments.

This vaguely familiar room is the room I used to live in my home before getting married.

I am aware of this scene, but my head doesn’t think, and it creaks like an old, worn-out wooden floor. In order to activate my creaking head, and to make sure that the current situation was not a dream, I hit my cheek a little harder.

I felt tingling along with a little heat along with the sound of ‘Clap’. Only then did I realize that it was not a dream.

But still, my head is creaking and I can’t think well. The creaking head thought it would return after a while, and checked its body.

Although it is far short of its prime, it is more energetic than the ailing body just before death. There are no scars like medals obtained from training and battles, and the smooth skin of a warrior is in place. I looked in the mirror to check my condition more closely.

There were no sick and old failures in the mirror, and there was a picture of me as a child, who was still young to be a young man.

My head, which had been creaking at the sight of it, turned little by little and filled my thoughts. I threw away one of the thoughts that didn’t make sense, and at least two valid thoughts remained.

“Was it all a dream, or did the pendant make a wish come true?”

Whether what I experienced was just a one night dream or whether the pendant made a wish come true, I don’t know which one is correct, but that doesn’t matter.

I was just so grateful that the present was real and that all of it was just a dream.

Even though I am grateful for that fact, those vivid memories come as pain. Emotions that could not be expressed come up, and water fills the eyes. Rising water and emotions flow endlessly like water from a burst dam.

Iris I love her, and I regret the foolish days of thinking that someday my sincerity will be conveyed.

The pain I endured while trying to fit in with her

The greatest joy that the world has allowed me and the sadness of not being able to see the children who have been the driving force of my life

I’m sorry I can’t show the world to my children again

The despair of my inability to do anything for her or the children

I hope that the wish that was a dream come true, but I will resent the pendant that did not lift the curse when I first made my wish.

I vomited up the rotten and rotten emotions of an idiot who thought that winter would pass and spring would come and be happy.

The more I threw up my emotions, the more it hurt.

I just loved her, I just loved her, but it hurt so much.

It hurt more than any of the wounds from the battle. It was too much for an idiot like me to handle.

It was so big that it didn’t change even if I continued to spit it out with tears.

That’s why I will forget it, I will regard it as a fleeting dream.

I will not give unrequited love.

I will not hope for an unreachable dream, a spring that will never come, or a spring that will not be allowed to me.

Even if I try to forget and think like that, it tears my heart to see the images of children I will never see anymore.

“Evan, Elijah, I’m sorry… My father is not good enough, so I can’t show you the world.”

I cry as I call the names of the children who will never be born and who have been the best gift in my life.

It was only when the morning came, when the sun drove away the twilight of dawn, that the wails turned into sobs, and it was only after sobbing for a long time that I was able to regain my composure.

My body covered in cold sweat and my eyes red and swollen from crying so much were reflected in the mirror.

It’s not a look to show someone, but I go to the bathroom and wash my body and mind together for a long time.

When I returned from washing, Norbert, the butler, was waiting for me in front of the room.

“What are you doing, Norbert?”

“Gongja. The head of the household has come to tell you to join us for lunch.”

“Just put on your clothes and go soon.”

Norbert immediately went back, and I went into the room, changed into a shirt and pants that were comfortable to work in, and headed to the restaurant.

The busy and lively appearance of the attendants on the way contrasts with the days when they were in the quiet duke’s house. The way they greeted me by calling me Confucius seemed to tell me that those memories were now just a fleeting dream, so I was happy.

The luxuriously decorated, elongated dining table looked a bit empty, with only tableware prepared for the head of household and the seat next to it.

I sat down and waited for my father, carefully organizing my memories of a mixture of vivid dreams and real memories.

Thirty-five years ago, at the age of 20, the older brother went to the capital to advance into politics and the younger brother to learn business, and their mother passed away last year.

Not long after I was sorting out the situation, the person who sold me arrived.

no. My father, who sold me in a dream, has arrived.

Give your father a light example.

My father greeted me with a gesture and quietly sat down to eat. When I was halfway through my breakfast soup and freshly baked white bread, my father put the tableware down and looked at me, starting a conversation.

“I called because I have something to say today.”

“what’s going on?”

I was obsessed with the dream and didn’t pay attention, but I listened to my father’s order to participate in the meal for the first time, both in the dream and in reality, questioning.

“As you know, all of your older brothers have been betrothed to me, but only you have not been able to marry them yet.”

“That’s right.”

When I saw my father, who was usually not interested in me, pretending to be for me and talking about the engagement, I had goosebumps running through my body as an ominous thought passed by. I forcibly pushed the ominous away, but the ominousness did not last long.

“Luckily, marriage talks came in from the Duke of Brandt. No, it would be correct to assume that it has already been confirmed.”

Those words erased the ominousness and gave me despair. Seeing that he couldn’t say anything because he was in despair, his father laughed and continued, as if he was mistaken.

“You seem so surprised that you don’t say anything. Yes, it’s worth it. Our family is pretty good too, but the class isn’t right for marriage talks with the Duke of Brandt. I don’t know why, but the Duke of Brandt pointed to you and brought up marriage talks. I have already signed the contract, so I will not take any objections.”

After those words, father… the human got up and disappeared. It was only after he had denied and struggled with despair for a long time after the human had left that he realized that it was meaningless and moved to the room to prepare a countermeasure.

No matter how hard I tried to squeeze my thoughts out of my head, I couldn’t come up with a sharp number.

“hahahaha, should I just quietly get out of the family and run away?”

I said this out of frustration, but there is no way the human who sold me would miss the food that came into their mouth. If I run away, they will try to find me by unleashing soldiers or hiring an information guild. With no foundation and no one to support me, there is little chance that I can escape all of that.

“It was just a coincidence that something similar to a dream happened, and wouldn’t it be completely different after that?”

I tried to squeeze out positive thoughts as if running away, but my withered positive mind stopped working after that. Positive thoughts disappear, and only negative thoughts flood your head.

Negative thoughts grow to the point where you can’t know the end, and together, the stuffiness grows.

If I move my body, will it get better?

Thinking so, I moved to the gymnasium that I use alone.

Dream… No, in my last life, I hold a wooden sword that I no longer use.

The feel of the wooden sword that I used every day in this life was very unfamiliar, and I felt dizzy and upset at the sound of shouting that it was not a dream.

I try to put all those things behind and focus my mind to recognize every part of my body.

He was born as a sword-loving outlier in a family that focused on politics or business, and his body, which was made by pouring effort without any special support, was clumsy.

The hands are the hands of a good warrior, but the body’s balance has become unbalanced because the wrong posture has become a habit because it is not able to perceive the posture objectively. It was obvious that he would have to go through a lot to correct his body, so it was confusing, but it’s okay because the skills and realizations he honed in the future that became a dream remain in his head. If you spend time training, you will be able to protect yourself.

In the middle of such silly thoughts, I remembered my first meeting with her.

Iris She threw a sword at me and said, ‘A sword is enough for conversation.’

Wouldn’t it be a pato if I showed her a bad look at that time?

I don’t know. can’t be sure

But it’s worth a try. Better than doing nothing and accepting a terrible fate.

In the newly given life, I have a goal.

I will struggle to escape the terrible fate. Even if I lose everything at the end of it.

That would be happier than an empty love where nothing can be hoped for, than a love that only hurts, than dying while waiting for spring without a promise.

With such thoughts, I fall in love with tempering my weak body again.