I Was Sick of Loving You

11 – soaked in the reverberation of spring

In the traces of her mother, she saw her life, pain, lingering feelings and hopes.

When I put it in my eyes, the pain comes. Unable to bear the pain, she let it go through her eyes.

I hugged the footsteps of spring and cried sadly.

I embraced the warmth of spring and wept bitterly.

I embraced the pain of spring and cried like a child.

Even though I cry and cry endlessly, my heart hurts, it hurts like my heart will break, and I can’t let go of the reverberation of spring and just cry endlessly.

Even when spring left me alone and went away, it didn’t hurt so much.

Even when spring left, it didn’t hurt like this.

When spring left me alone, I felt a little sad and resentful.

It was sad and pitiful when spring left.

And then I forgot.

Now, in the reverberation of the place left by spring, the pain that I did not realize and the pain that I forgot come together.

The pain of regret that the pain of spring couldn’t understand,

The pain that comes to mind only after remembering the warmth of spring,

The pain that comes only after knowing the love of spring ensnares me and swallows me.

When I was young, I thought the warmth and coziness of spring was originally like that. I thought it was normal.

After becoming a parent, I thought I understood Bom’s heart. I thought I understood life.

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Looking at the end of life and seeing the tulips blooming in my mother’s garden in the given life again, I thought that I must have experienced feelings and pain similar to spring and mine.

Everything was my arrogance and misunderstanding.

The warmth and coziness of a scarred spring was not for granted.

How natural is that warmth that is shown while enduring pain and hiding a diseased, rotten heart?

I didn’t even know the life of spring, how can I understand the heart and life.

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Looking only at the traces left by spring, how could I have thought that she would have experienced similar feelings and pain to me?

So stupid… so stupid.

I want to feel the warmth of spring once again, having lived with greater pain than my life.

I want to embrace Bom’s heart, which I came to know only after seeing Bom’s life, and let go of the pain together.

I want to see the spring that missed me even at the end of my life, the spring that loved me without a price.

I miss the spring that I said I would protect and couldn’t keep. Now I yearn for the blurry look of spring that has been too old. And I regret it.

The spring I longed for all my life came to me in a different form. It was given to me from the beginning.

However, until the end of his life, he lived without knowing the fact, and lived until the end, looking for another spring. If you wanted to know, you knew enough. If I thought about it a little more, I would have known.

But it didn’t. Even though I could have done it, I didn’t do it, and now I hate myself for looking for the place where spring has passed and longing for it.

I should have sent you a letter more often. I should have visited my mother more often. I should have been a little more friendly. I should have said I love you I should have said I was happy because my mother was my mother. When you fell ill and lay down, I should have taken care of you by your side. I should have kept the end of my life. I had to relieve the lingering feelings left in the world…

I couldn’t… I felt sad and resentful of my mother who had left me alone, so I rarely even sent letters.

I was afraid of the insignificant and worthless warnings of my father who was not like him, so I did not visit him often.

I thought it was embarrassing to be nice to my mother, so I didn’t.

I couldn’t say I love you because I was hot.

I couldn’t say that I was happy because I was a fool who couldn’t understand happiness within happiness, and because I was my mother’s son.

I didn’t even know that my mother was sick, so I couldn’t take care of her, and I couldn’t even keep my mother’s deathbed.

Because you were such a stupid and stupid child, you brought regrets and worries all the way to your mother.

I… I was an unfilial child who took the warmth of spring for granted. He was an infidel who could not reciprocate warmth. He is an unfilial man who has turned his eyes to the truth, drunk with warmth.

That fact tears my heart apart. it hurts me to crumble Pain comes like a disaster that will destroy everything about me, but it doesn’t collapse. Doesn’t crumble. Doesn’t break.

It is impossible for me to crumble and crumble, because the warmth remaining in the reverberation of spring and the hope left by spring embrace me warmly. It shouldn’t be like that.

Spring prayed for me happiness. Because I know that heart, I must not collapse because I also wished that way while leaving my two children. can’t sit down We couldn’t protect spring, and spring couldn’t fulfill one wish in front of the tulips, but shouldn’t we make the last wish come true?

I will not take pity on my mother. Thinking of my mother, I will not grieve. I hate my father and my brothers who tormented you, and I will not waste me.

I will definitely be happy, I will live freely as I want to live.

Now that I’ve made that resolution, I’ll run for happiness from now on, so I’ll feel the reverberation of mother’s scent just a little longer and feel sad. Just today, I will shed tears thinking of my mother. So please do not worry… My mother, my spring…

…and I loved it a lot. I was very happy because I was my mother’s son. So if there is a next life, please come to me, then I will be your spring.

I hugged the unheard reverberation of spring and vomited out what I wanted to say to spring. And the warmth of the spring that has passed away is filled in so that it bursts once again in the heart that had been cut out. He broods over the pain while embracing the late spring. Even if the next spring comes in my life, it is not the same as the past spring, so even if it hurts like crazy, I chew it and swallow it, and engrave it in my heart.

Even if no one knows the past spring, I engrave it in my heart and accept the pain in order to leave behind the fact that the spring that passed away was so warm.

The time has come for the world to welcome a new day and the time has come to dispel the darkness, and only when all the tears have dried, can we fully accept that spring has passed.

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Letting go of all the entangled emotions, I get up and open the window. Even though spring has arrived, the still chilly air comes in as a wind, tickles the cheek once, and runs through the room holding hands with the pleasantly old air. The world spread out beyond the window, where the wind has left, had no inspiration until yesterday, but today the scenery of the city at sunset unfolds like a picture, tickling the heart.

Entrust your body to the tickling mind and head out. When I went to the garden that I thought was desolate, the green garden is full of life.

Even though spring has arrived, I thought I couldn’t recognize it, but it’s not like that again when I feel it up close.

The tender, soft leaves that have just sprouted from trees exude a soothing scent of grass, birds visiting in spring chirping sweetly, and the sprouts of unknown grass that no one has planted announce that spring has arrived here. You see.

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Looking at that spring reminds me of old memories and takes off my shoes. Take off your shoes and walk on the soft soil. Soft and slightly cool soil grains tickle between your feet, feeling the soft and tender grass, and walking in the spring garden, your childhood memories show the image of your mother.

‘Mom, why are you walking barefoot when you have shoes?’

‘That’s what it means, walking barefoot like this, it’s because the same garden feels different again.’

“It really does feel different again… Mother.”

My mother is gone from me, but I have you in my heart and feel her in a world without her. live together.

In the spring of the garden where not a single flower has bloomed, I feel once again that my mother has permeated my life too deeply.

Tears that I thought had dried up because I shed too much ran down my cheeks, moistened the unknown grass, and filled my throat again.

Just thinking about my mother makes me cry like a child. If your mother sees you like this, she’ll be worried, but don’t be. The strange son, older than his mother, is a warrior who has crossed countless lines.

Even so, if you are worried, please visit us even in your dreams. No, you don’t have to worry, and you don’t have to say anything. I want to see you one more time, just one more time, so please come to me in my dreams.

The eccentric son, who is older than his mother, wants to carve a new image of his now obscure mother. I will always wait and look forward to you, so feel free to come and visit us.

The son, who has grown older than his mother, speaks hope to his mother who cannot hear. Remaining regrets and pain melt away and flow down.

Now that I have let go of all my pain and regrets, I grab my sword and swing it in order to get happiness, to escape the nightmare that will engulf me. Feeling that the tip of the sword, which was heavy and unstable, has changed to light and cheerful, I fall into training.