Idol’s Childhood Friend

41 – Chaewon looks at her like that

The term clown would not be so wrong.

My role was a good model student who listens well to relatives and at least one person at every school, and I did not hate that role.

If you do what you are told, you will be praised, and more than anything, that was my nature.

I don’t want to do anything that stands out, it’s always been difficult for me to share my thoughts, and I feel more comfortable just following along with what someone says.

Timid, introverted, passive.

I pretended to be a clown and played the role of a good child that adults wanted. I instinctively understood at that young age that there was nothing better suited to me than this role.

Even then, if there was a day that was too difficult to bear, it was the big holiday when the family gathered together.

「It looks like we will have another doctor in our family. “I can already see the youngest member growing up.”

“Brother, what can you say to a child who is now starting elementary school?”

「Assassin. Do you think I know exactly? Do you think it’s easy to achieve that level of concentration at that age? Even kids who play baduk can’t do that well.”

「I heard there will be a doctor in the family, so I have to support it!! hahahaha!! Yumin, your uncle will give you pocket money!”

「Yumin, you should thank your uncle.」

Until then, it was normal for the whole family to gather on major holidays such as Lunar New Year and Chuseok, but I didn’t feel that close.

Daejoint How on earth can you think of people you see once or twice a year as family?

For me, who could not easily open my heart and had little concept of what we call ‘affection’, even receiving allowances from my relatives who drank a lot was difficult.

I was resentful of my parents who pushed my back for no reason, and I hated my relatives who would always snap at me with a blunt remark, saying, ‘Don’t you have any cuteness or cuteness?’ When I had the courage to thank them.

If this is going to happen, why not give them pocket money in the first place?

If you’re going to do this, don’t call me who is still standing still.

I wanted to say that every time a situation that no one wanted happened, but it couldn’t be possible.

I force a smile and hide behind my parents’ backs. It wasn’t easy to get along with the older brothers and sisters I wanted to play with because the age difference was so big.

I just hope that this time will pass by, and I look at the book endlessly, look at the clock, look at my parents’ faces……

Now that I think about it, I don’t know what was so scary.

Since he has no courage, he just does as he is told, and since he does not need will to carry out orders, he begins to question the meaning of existence even at a young age, and ends up asking the question.

Why does that person make that expression? Why do you say thank you but then turn around and curse, and why do you fight even though you say you are close?

Oba Yozoh is no longer human.

Of course, my values are simpler than this person’s and I am far from being depressed, but in any case, I was very dull in understanding human emotions.

I read the book to solve that question, but as a child, there was no way I could find the answer……

「Wow, you are really good at studying~.」

You, smiling brightly, were the biggest question of my life.

+++

I was surprised that you always had a lot to say and were expressive to me, who doesn’t express myself easily.

What is it that makes him smile all the time? Aren’t you afraid of getting scolded by the teacher for talking in class?

Of course, I didn’t have the courage to ask.

Sleep with courage, I had no intention of becoming friends with you in the first place.

「Stop being a bother and play with other kids.」

It’s a big deal.

I can’t believe someone who can’t easily talk to other people says something like this to you.

Was it because you never got angry and only smiled? Or was he so angry that he didn’t hesitate to say something like this?

No matter what happened, the little things he said were enough to show that ‘I don’t have any friends.’

I’m a cheap person who I don’t want to talk to again, so it’s likely that I’ll go back on a bad note……

“If I don’t bother you, will you play with me?”

Eyes that sparkled so brightly.

I was surprised and overwhelmed by a glare I had never seen in my life.

I nodded without knowing. From that day on, you didn’t come near me much, except during lunch time when you asked me to watch you dance and sing.

Then, after school, he came to me like a ghost and said something.

「Promise. “I protected it, so you’re going to protect it too, right?”

Please play.

A child with many friends wanted to hang out with me, so I put up with it for such a long time.

… Because a promise is a promise.

That day, for the first time, I threw my bag on the playground and played as hard as I could.

It was fun. It was an undeniable fact.

As time passed, I liked being with you.

I was hoping you would talk to me other than after school. I started to become interested in dancing and singing, which you love so much. I even practiced extending my hand first, expecting you to hand it to me.

“Don’t do that, let’s go to the playground with me and play hide and seek!!”

“Yumin, let’s go to church to eat tteokbokki with me!”

「Minah, Minah. “Would you like to come over to my house?”

At first, it was close to the school, but gradually the scope began to expand, and before we knew it, we became friends with each other’s families, and that became the spark that led us to go on field trips and travel together once a semester.

We went back and forth to each other’s houses and stayed there to sleep.

An experience I would never have had in my life if it weren’t for you.

It was natural for a good, obedient student to attend class diligently during class time, go home after school, finish homework, and then play a little game and read a book.

But you often get scolded for talking to your friends during class, and after school you always throw away your bag and spend two hours at the playground, and you call me late to ask about homework.

… I wondered what kind of kid there was.

No matter how much I thought about it, there was a time when I ignored you for no reason because I felt like I couldn’t be a good model student.

You might hate me like this.

One could despise him as a selfish person who has no seriousness in human relationships.

「Hey, Kang Yu-min~!!」

“I know your house password anyway, so just play with me!”

“If you keep doing this, does it mean that you didn’t do your homework while playing with me?”

“If I run away just one more time, I’ll assume you like me?”

「Ah, I want to play with Kang Yu-min. I want to play~!”

I hate it. Hate. Annoying.

Words that were never said to me.

Rather, you took it as a bet to see who would be more persistent and followed my tail until I gave up.

Did you go for a week?

In the end, I couldn’t push you away, and our relationship continued without a single hitch. Little by little, the time I spent with you increased.

The border line is slowly starting to collapse.

The color called you mixed within me. My heart flutters loudly at that one drop.

The wave spread to the end of my heart, and the transparent world spread and darkened with the opacity of you.

「Let’s go see a movie together.」

「I want to learn Taekwondo.」

「It’s okay. Even if I don’t go to the academy for a day.”

“If you keep saying that, I have no choice but to tell my aunt?”

I got to say my thoughts.

Rather than shrinking from unfamiliar kindness, I learned to accept it as it is, and because I didn’t want to stand out even if I died, I became a class president and led the class for a year.

I learned firsthand how to wisely resolve disputes, and I was no longer afraid of the gazes of people I had been so close to.

I go out to you first, talk to you, joke around, and give you my hand.

I understood that no one forced me, like a good model student, to not disappoint.

How to trust people. How to exchange feelings.

That’s how I live as myself.

「Ah. School mate extension for 3 years. Mina, I won’t be late this time. “Middle school student Han Chae-won is really different.”

Our vision passed so quickly that we could not look back.

It wasn’t just the calendar that started to change.

His small height and size began to grow in an instant, and he achieved amazing growth of 10 cm per year.

Although most of the people in elementary school were the same as middle school, more than half were new people. It is said that the school I attended just a few days ago is next door, but in the end, it is a world left as a memory.

I started living a new life in a new place with new people.

But if you ask me if I have changed, well.

Even though I was free from being a clown, I still studied hard.

Because I had no dreams, I thought it was important to accomplish what was in front of me.

Instead, I got a hobby.

I followed you, who dreamed of becoming an idol, and got into music. I listened to and sang many different genres of music and tried playing one or two instruments.

Sometimes, I would make clumsy movements following you who taught me how to dance, and during vacations, I would go to a place that teaches dancing professionally and learn.

Unfortunately, I knew I wasn’t good at dancing, but anyway.

Could I exist today without you?

That was when I vaguely felt that fact.

「Chaewon looks at me like that.」

“You have never looked at me.”

The day it snowed.

It was 7 o’clock in the gray sky, too early for the graduation ceremony to begin, and the first white steps toward school were mine.

The girl I called early in the morning whispered to me with tears in her eyes.

Confession and resentment.

She knew that I would not waver even in the face of tears, and I also did not do the clumsy thing of reaching out for no reason.

Because the feelings she gave me today were so pure that I could not dare receive them.

Just like today’s snow that didn’t plan on coming together easily.

Even though things had changed, my inability to understand emotions still remained deep within me.

That was the problem.

“Are you smiling easily now?”

A photo of me holding my diploma.

You showed me photos from the past and smiled while pointing at my face.

Expressionless. A rotten smile that clearly shows displeasure.

An awkward smile that made the corners of my mouth shake uncomfortably because I had never laughed before.

A faint but natural smile.

And today, a brighter smile appeared on my face than ever before.

If it is human psychology to imitate someone you like at some point.

「I told you, Chaewon. “It’s an award that makes me smile secretly.”

This smile is clear evidence that I like you.

Just as I don’t know when snow piles up on my head, I too have suddenly been completely colored by the color of you.

「Congratulations on your confirmed debut, Chaewon.」

So let’s confess someday.

Let’s be greedy so you can’t give your heart to someone else.

So, if the day comes when you can really date.

Thank you for looking for me, I hope you will continue to be by my side.

Let’s confess as ourselves.

———But I was still a clown.

「Minah, what would you think if I suddenly disappeared?」

Because I still didn’t understand that love is about timing.