Inescapable Escapism

4.2 I trusted him.



A smile pulled at my lips, and hope fluttered in my heart as I began to reach out tentatively, searching for Mitch’s world again. I knew the feeling; I knew the dizziness well, but it didn’t come to me quickly, not like it had before. There was a hesitation, a reluctance there, and for a moment, I wasn’t sure why, but then my fears returned.

I still didn’t know if Mitch was okay, and I was too much of a coward to even let myself enter that world until I knew for sure, but it was impossible to do so without going there. The memories were too distant. They were too far away and hard to access. I knew that if I let my consciousness trickle into the world, I’d be able to do it, but it felt almost impossible. I had to try, though. I had to know the truth.

Sucking in a deep breath and trying to steady myself, I began to grasp the distant sensation. My hands squeezed into fists on my lap, and I let my eyes shut as I gently tried to pull it closer. Memories fluttered in my mind, just out of reach, but when I lunged towards them, they moved even further away.

They were teasing me. It seemed like they were taunting me, refusing to give in and show me what I needed to know. Frustration flared within me, and I grit my teeth, allowing a little more of my consciousness to flow into the world, feeling the warm wooden floor slowly harden under my feet. My heart pounded, and the urge to flee the world and run far away clawed at me, but I ignored it, focusing on my memories. When had I seen Mitch last?

A hazy image appeared in my mind, and I held my breath as I poured all of my attention into it, scared that even the slightest moment might send the memory retreating away again. My lips started to stretch into a smile as his face became clearer, but it fell too soon as my heart sank.

The last time I’d seen him, he was asleep, slumped down in a rattan chair. A book was held loosely in his hands, but I couldn’t see the title. He must have been reading it before he’d fallen asleep or passed out. My breath escaped my lips in a stuttered exhale as the rest of the memory came into focus. Mitch’s top was open. I hadn’t seen it at first. It made sense. It was too hot where we were, and he hadn’t bothered doing it up, but that meant the thick white bandages that were wrapped around his stomach, stretching all the way to his chest, were on display.

Guilt smashed into me, and I felt myself take a step backwards, slipping slightly further out of the world. It wasn’t conscious. I just… couldn’t stay there anymore. I couldn’t force myself to do it. It would confirm all of my worries.

He looked frail, I think. Ill, maybe. It was hard to tell from the memory; it could have just been a bad angle. His chin was dropped down. I’d only been able to see part of his face, not the whole thing, so I had no way of knowing how bad he actually looked. Maybe it was just my mind playing tricks on me, and he was fine.

But then, why was he sleeping? Was he just having a nap? It was warm where we were staying. Even with the air conditioning on, the villa was hot. It made me tired sometimes too; I knew it did, but still, I couldn’t help panicking. Maybe he was exhausted. Perhaps his body was on the brink of giving up after fighting the infection for so long.

How long had it been? I had no clue. I tried to reach back into the world, trying to search my memories for any information or clue, but they refused to reveal anything. I only caught glimpses, snapshots of things that had happened whilst we’d been staying there, and it wasn’t enough. My mind was being cruel. It wouldn’t yield, wouldn’t show me anything even as I pushed more of my consciousness into the world again. It seemed almost like it was punishing me for being away for so long.

Nausea rose in my stomach. I shouldn’t have gone back. I should have never gone back to the world. That was what my brief return had shown me. It proved that I couldn’t do it, that I wasn’t ready to cope with the guilt and self-hatred that would come from watching Mitch die.

But we had time. I didn’t need to go to his world and tell him everything now. I could wait, wait until I knew that he was okay, and he’d survive what happened to him. Once I knew that, I’d find a way to tell him about Amelia and about what was to come if we didn’t stop them. Then we’d work together to find out if they really did have biological warfare labs, and we’d bring them down.

I felt like a wimp as I opened my eyes into reality again, but the knowledge that I had a plan and was going to do something about the Sterlings at some point did make me feel better. I’d be going into Mitch’s world again at some point. I just had to wait until I knew he was okay, then… I’d go back.

A sigh slipped out of my lips, and I glanced around my room. My bags were pretty much packed. There were a couple more things that I still needed to shove into them, but the thought of dragging myself off the bed and packing was too much for me to even really contemplate. I could wait. I’d need to grab a few things in the morning, like my toothbrush and toothpaste. Maybe I was just being lazy, but I couldn’t see any reason to force myself to get up and do it before then.

Falling sideways onto the lumpy mattress, I stared at the wall blankly. What now, I couldn’t help but ask myself. I’d run out of worlds to go to. I couldn’t go to Mitch’s, couldn’t go to the one with the floating island where I was being held as a suspected terrorist, and I couldn’t go back to the Academy where I was still…

My thoughts slowed as a grin appeared on my face. The tendrils of dizziness began reaching out, wrapping around my mind and dragging me under. I was pacing back and forth. That was the first thing I realised. My steps faltered for just a moment as the world spun around me, and I staggered, my hand shooting out to steady myself on the wardrobe. Movement in front of me caught my eye, and my head snapped up, causing my vertigo to worsen for a moment.

I stood still, fighting the restless energy that made me want to keep moving. If I took so much as a step, I’d fall. I couldn’t even let go of the wardrobe door. It was cutting into my hand, but I didn’t trust myself not to fall if I so much as loosened my grip, and the thought of crashing into my dorm room floor was…

Slowly, realisation slammed into me, and I stumbled forward, moving towards the mirror. Something about my reflection looked strange. There was something about it that was just a little off, but I was dressed, ready to go, in my school uniform. I was even already wearing shoes.

My eyes scanned my face, trying to work out what it was that seemed different, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. There was just something about my face that looked alien. I was too pale; maybe that was the issue. Or perhaps it was my eyes. The colour was just a little… flat. The bags under them looked bad too. They were darker than I was used to, and it was clear I’d barely slept at all.

I couldn’t. I was too lonely and excited about finally getting to see the Academy. The thought of sleeping through my alarm or accidentally turning it off in my sleep terrified me, and I woke up too frequently, terrified that it had happened. But it hadn’t. The blaring alarm had roused me from my fitful sleep, and I’d had enough time to shower and get ready.

That had taken barely any time. I must have rushed through it because I thought I’d be ready moments before Rodgers arrived to take me on the tour, but it had been almost an hour. I’d been pacing back and forth for so long, but finally, it was almost time.

My eyes found the clock. 7:57. Three minutes. Three minutes until he would arrive, and I could stop feeling quite so restless and anxious. Or maybe I’d feel worse. There was something about the Academy that scared me. It was the thought of seeing so many people, of how unknown it all was. Despite being in the induction wing, I still felt as thought I didn’t know what to expect. Not really.

I started to pace again before coming to a sudden stop. I had to be under control. They wouldn’t want a nervous spy. They wanted people who could control their emotions, but that wasn’t what I was doing, and that was stupid. It was unlikely that anyone could see me in my room or that they were paying attention to me, but I didn’t want to risk it.

Walking towards my bed, I sat down on the corner of the perfectly firm mattress and looked around my room again. It was still weird to see the two empty beds. I’d gotten too used to living with Katie and Abbie, and I missed them. It wasn’t the same isolating, all-consuming loneliness that I’d felt the night before, though. It was more… distant.

Part of me did wonder what they were doing, though. Were they still asleep? Or had they already gotten up and started their day? Katie sometimes liked to do some studying in the morning before we went to breakfast, Abbie too. Maybe that’s what they were doing. I wasn’t sure, but soon, they’d be out in the main Academy with me. I knew that.

A shaky breath left my lips as I glanced at the clock again. Somehow, only one minute had passed since the last time I’d checked, and I had no idea how that was even possible. It felt like it had been much longer, but maybe that was just my impatience. I was too excited, too eager to finally be able to start training properly and explore the school and the grounds.

There was so much that I was looking forward to, and it felt stupid, but one of them was going outside. The thought of being able to feel the sunshine on my face and the wind caressing my skin sent a shiver of longing down my spine. It had been too long, and it wasn’t something I was consciously aware of normally. I didn’t think about it that often, but being in the induction wing made me realise just how much I needed it. The only way to be outside there was the courtyard, but it was too enclosed. The most we ever got was the slightest of breezes.

I let out a sigh as I sagged back onto my bed, careful not to mess up my hair. I’d spent too long blow-drying it and trying to get it perfect to ruin it before I’d even left my room. I couldn’t help it, though. Being back in the Academy was so… soothing. It was so nice to be somewhere familiar. Somewhere that I actually knew and understood. I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect from the school, but it was a normal world, nothing like the floating city I’d been in so recently, where things looked so strange.

Everything was different there. Even basic things like the sky looked different. It was too colourful, too vibrant, but it didn’t look real. It wasn’t, I guess. I found that out when they took my contacts and chip. None of it was real.

What would happen to me there? What did they do to terrorists in that world? They didn’t have a jail; I knew that, but I couldn’t recall what happened to people who broke the law. Maybe…

I didn’t, though. I didn’t actually do anything wrong. I was just playing a game, but that didn’t matter. They’d already decided not to believe me, so I could have said anything, and I knew they’d just ignore me. I wasn’t to blame, though. I was a victim, just as much as Dina was.

Guilt and fear pulled at me. What would happen to Dina? She didn’t deserve to be jailed or punished for what had happened. She should be let free, but I wasn’t sure they’d do that. They couldn’t. Dina knew the truth, and she was too smart to believe it was just a mistake. Their reactions made that far too clear, but then what? If she was somehow allowed to go free, to walk out of wherever we were being held, would she be able to just forget about everything?

My heart sank. I already knew the answer to that. She wouldn’t. She was too curious, too dangerous. Now that she knew our world was nothing more than a lie, a fragile spiderweb of deceit and control, she wouldn’t be able to just move on. She’d keep digging, needing to know more about the cult we were apparently part of. There was no way she wouldn’t. Especially not with me gone.

Dizziness started to reach out towards me again, stretching across my skin. The sensation was creeping, tickling almost. It was trying to draw me in and take me back to that world, but I refused to let it. I couldn’t leave the Academy. It was almost time. 7:59, according to the clock. In just one minute, Rodgers would appear and knock on the door, and I couldn’t miss it. I’d been waiting for so long.

I batted the dizziness aside, feeling the slightest of stings shoot through the back of my head, as if I’d been caught on a barb or a thorn. It disappeared within a second, though, quickly becoming nothing more than a faint memory of pain. The determination not to leave the world deadened it and made it too easy to ignore as my eyes found the clock again.

8:00. It was eight, and Rodgers was not there. Would he be late? I hadn’t expected that. I thought, if anything, he’d be there before eight. That’s why I’d gotten up so early. The thought of him knocking and me still being in the middle of drying my hair or, worse, in the shower sent a wave of anxiety through me that was so strong I felt nauseous. But he wasn’t early. He was going to be late. How long would I have to sit there and wait for—

A bang came from my door, and I leapt to my feet. My head whipped around, and I stared at the door, pressing one hand to my mouth and the other to my chest, trying to smother the loud gasp that had already escaped my lips and slow my racing heart. It was just a knock. I’d been expecting that. It was probably just Rodgers.

I knew that, but still, part of me was terrified to open the door. It begged me not to do it, to stay seated on the bed, or to run away, flee the world and never look back. It was quickly drowned out by my excitement, though. There was no way I was going to run away after looking forward to that moment for what felt like so long.

Taking a deep breath and shaking my hands to try to stop them from trembling, I walked across the room, glancing at my reflection as I passed the mirror hanging on the inside of my open wardrobe door. The door handle was cold and slick in my grasp, but it opened easily.

“Good morning, Grace,” Rodgers said with a smile.

Relief gripped me as I stared at the familiar face. It had been a while, or it felt like it, but I knew him. I trusted him. Part of me just knew I’d be safe with him there.

“Good morning,” I replied.

“How did you sleep?”

“Pretty well, thank you.” I hesitated before adding, “How did you sleep?”

It felt almost inappropriate to ask him that, and I wasn’t sure why. It would have been rude not to.

“Like a log,” he replied with a grin. “Shall we?”

I glanced down the corridor in the direction that he’d nodded as nervousness simmered in my stomach.

“Sure,” I forced myself to say.

“Great,” Rodgers said, stepping back so that I could join him in the corridor. “You know, you’re doing better than me already. My first night in the main building here, I didn’t sleep a wink. I think I spent the entire time tossing and turning. I was exhausted in the morning.”

He laughed, and I made myself join in.

“I… did a little too,” I admitted, causing him to chuckle softly as we slowly made our way down the hallway.

Noise came from some of the rooms around us; rustling, movement and occasional hushed voices. I had to fight not to constantly glance from door to door, anxiously waiting for someone to step out into the hall. They scared me, the rest of the trainees. I knew they were probably nice, like the others in the induction wing, but they were older and more experienced. They were actual spies, and we were… nothing, really.

“That’s normal. Don’t worry, it does get easier,” Rodgers reassured me. “In just a few days, I bet you’ll be sleeping properly.”

“That would be good,” I muttered.

I didn’t really know what it was like to sleep properly. Even in my real life, I didn’t do it. I was used to not being able to get to sleep for hours or waking up in the middle of the night. The thought of sleeping for more than a few hours at a time felt so foreign and impossible.

“I bet. So, did you want to do the tour first or grab breakfast and then start the tour?” Rodgers asked. “You have a pretty relaxed day today, and we have plenty of time until the kitchens stop serving breakfast, so we can do either. Which would you prefer?”

I hesitated, unsure how to answer him. I wasn’t hungry; I didn’t tend to want food in the morning, but I knew that most people did. It was normal to have breakfast. I was too nervous, though. Eating would make me nauseous, and I knew that.

Plus, the idea of being surrounded by so many people in the canteen terrified me. I wasn’t sure how many trainees there were in the Academy, but I assumed it was a lot. I’d have to do it at some point. I needed to eat sooner or later, and maybe it would be less scary with Rodgers’ by my side. Or maybe he wouldn’t sit with me. Perhaps there was a separate teacher’s room or canteen. Maybe I’d be left alone to face the rest of the students.

But what if he hadn’t eaten yet? Was that why he’d asked? Was he hungry? Once that had occurred to me, I couldn’t ignore it. It felt too rude and inconsiderate.

“I’m not really hungry yet,” I said, being careful to keep my tone even. “But I don’t mind going to the canteen now if you are.”

It was a lie, but it slipped out easily. I think I was just so used to pushing my own feelings aside to accommodate my mom. I could put up with how scary it would be for me if it meant someone else didn’t need to suffer. Not that being a bit hungry was suffering. It was just the easier option for me.

Rodgers cocked his head to the side, considering it.

“We can wait until after,” he decided. “If we get hungry halfway through the tour, we can always stop and grab a snack.”

“That sounds good,” I said.

We’d almost reached the end of the corridor. We were so close to getting out of the dorms without seeing anyone, but we didn’t quite make it. A clattering noise came from just in front of us, and I felt my chest grow tight as a door swung open. A girl with red hair and glasses, dressed in the same uniform as me but with big, over-ear headphones, stepped out into the corridor.

At first, it seemed like she hadn’t seen us, but then she looked up, and her eyes widened. Rodgers slowed to a stop as the girl fumbled to pull the headphones off.

“Hi, Rodgers!” she said, her eyes darting towards me curiously.

“Morning, Georgie. How are you?” he asked.

I stood awkwardly, glancing between them and unsure if I should say something or introduce myself. The girl kept looking at me as if she wanted me to, but I wasn’t sure. It was clear she and Rodgers knew each other. They’d greeted each other by name, which made sense. He was a teacher, after all. I knew he hadn’t been doing it long, but I assumed he must have taught her at some point. He probably wasn’t just teaching in the induction wing.

It made me feel a bit like I was with my mom, and she’d run into a friend or someone she knew. I wasn’t sure if she really had any friends. They were having their own conversation, and I was just expected to stand there and not interrupt.

“Pretty good, thanks. You?” Georgie replied.

“Not too bad, thank you,” he said with a smile before, to my surprise, looking at me. “I’m just showing Grace around. She’s the first of the new cohort to complete the induction period.”

The girl’s round green eyes flicked to me again, and she grinned.

“Oh, wow! Congratulations, that’s such a huge achievement!” she exclaimed. “Welcome to the Academy!”

I returned her smile.

“Thanks! It’s, um, nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you!” she replied excitedly. “I’m a second year, R&D. What’s your specialism?”


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