ALL NOVEL Chapter 5: Stephanie
Jay
Jay couldn’t look away from her reflection. Steph had barely put any makeup on her, Jay wouldn’t even have noticed it if she didn’t already know it was there.
Maybe Steph was right? Maybe she could just be- NO!
No!
She couldn’t. This was temporary. By the end of this week, this would all be over. She would be a guy again, and that was it. This shouldn’t — couldn’t — be anything more. She might as well enjoy it while it lasted.
But… no one else could know. It was fine with just her and Steph, but… that was it.
She finally turned off the tap — her hands had long since been washed. She dried them off and left the bathroom, putting up a brave face for Steph.
Steph was waiting for her on the couch, reading something on her laptop. Jay sat down beside her. “Hey.”
“You were in there a while,” Steph said, looking up from her laptop. “Is something the matter, sweetie?”
“No,” Jay lied. “Everything is fine.”
Steph
Steph kept her eye on Jay for the next hour, but Jay did seem to be fine. Steph was almost convinced she hadn’t lied.
Almost.
Because no one actually spends half a bloody hour washing their hands. Something had to be up. Steph wasn’t willing to press Jay for the truth, however. She had no idea if that would end up making things worse.
Then, while Steph was cooking lunch, she noticed Jay staring at the flags on the wall, a frown on her face. Steph quickly finished up, then brought the sandwiches over to the couch, handing one to Jay.
Jay thanked her and started eating her sandwich. Steph smiled, then started eating her own.
Steph was about halfway through eating her lunch when Jay spoke up.
“Steph… how did you know?”
Steph swallowed a bite of sandwich. “Know what?”
“That you’re a girl. How did you know?”
Steph thought for a moment. “It wasn’t exactly one thing. Kind of a buildup of lots of different things. Why do you ask?”
“Just curious.” Jay shrugged.
“Well, there’d always been little hints. My custom characters in games were always girls, I related more to women protagonists in stories, I even picked a name when I was thirteen.”
“Really? What name?”
“Stephanie,” she said.
“Of course,” Jay said, giggling a little.
“Mind you, anyone could idly think ‘hey, what if I was a different gender, what name would I have?’ or play as a character of a different gender in games. But usually if they do, it’s not… regular. They maybe do those sorts of things once or twice as idle curiosities, not nearly every couple days or so.”
“That often?”
Steph nodded. “Oh, yes. Every game I played, I would play as a girl if that was available. I… this is a little embarrassing, but I created stories about Stephanie. This girl with her perfect life… and I wanted to be her. You could probably find those stories I wrote if you looked for them.”
“What sort of stories?”
“All sorts,” she said. “Anything that came to mind. At first, she would usually have a boyfriend, because that’s all I knew at the time. Then I learned about lesbians, and then I went through a phase of her having exclusively girlfriends before it was more of a mix of the two. Still never figured out I was bi until a guy asked me out after two years on estrogen and I actually said yes. The relationship didn’t last long, of course; he was hot, but he was kinda a dick once I got to know him better.”
“So when did it finally click for you? When did all the pieces come together, and you realized ‘oh, I’m actually a girl’?”
Steph frowned. “I think… I started seriously entertaining the possibility around four years ago now. I had just started grade twelve. I was lonely, my only friend had moved away, so I turned to the Internet for companionship. Lots of ways that can go horribly wrong, especially for a lonely and naive teenager like I was. But fortunately, things did not go wrong. I ended up learning a lot more about what it really meant to be trans. Still didn’t fully click until that Christmas break…”
Three and a Half Years Ago
He sighed as he slumped down on his bed. Christmas day had been exhausting, dealing with so much of his extended family. Most of the new clothes he’d received had been shoved in his closet, where it would eventually be forgotten. None of those clothes appealed to him anyway. Some t-shirts and socks had been put away neatly where they might actually see some use. The gift cards and cash had been put into his wallet – except for the iTunes ones. He didn’t even have an iTunes account, how the fuck was he even supposed to use those?
He hadn’t received anything he actually really wanted. True, the cash could be used to get that, but gift cards? If you knew you didn’t know a person well enough to pick a specific gift for them, why not just do money?
He eventually stood up and walked over to his desk, clearing away a few soft drink cans that had piled up, and opened his laptop. He tapped in his password, and his desktop loaded into view. He unminimized his image editing software, and was greeted by a full colour picture of Stephanie. His OC.
Stephanie was a character he’d created years ago. She went on many adventures over the years, some cooler than others. Some he’d rather forget about, others had received hundreds of views online, with many commenting on how much they related to the girl.
She was everything he would prefer to be. Cute, cool, popular. But still she had struggles. Of course she did, no one reads about someone who doesn’t struggle. Struggles with love, with work, with her own damn sexuality. That part of her saga had gotten mixed reviews. Some people had loved it when Stephanie had started dating girls, others had despised it. Not unlike real life.
She had the same blonde hair as he did, just much longer. Her eyes were the same green as his own. Everything about her had been modelled after himself – except, of course, for her gender.
Or maybe not. Maybe her gender was actually the same as his. As hers.
It felt good to think of himself as Stephanie. Felt nice. In some online spaces, he even went by the name Stephanie rather than his real name – which he hated anyway.
He could try being her right now. He knew what was hiding in his desk drawer. He could pull it out and put it on. The wig. The cute skirt he’d bought back in October. The makeup he’d been practicing with on occasion since the middle of September. He could put all of it on right now if he really wanted to.
But he was scared. That was the main reason he hadn’t yet. Fear kept him paralysed, from actually trying to see if he could be her instead.
He glanced at the stupid gag book his uncle had gotten for him. Some jokey guide to being a man or whatever. He was sure his uncle had meant it as a good laugh, but… it made him feel horrible. He’d skimmed it earlier. Some of the things it said… the way it spoke about women… it made his skin crawl.
He chucked the book in his trash can. He smirked at it vindictively.
Then he took a breath. He stood. He looked at the picture of Stephanie. He took another breath.
He could do this. He could do this.
He slid the desk drawer open. Inside, just like he’d left it, was the cute navy blue skirt draped over several makeup products. At the bottom was a wig that matched his natural hair colour. He started pulling the items out one-by-one. He laid the skirt out carefully on his bed. He placed each makeup product on his desk. Mascara. Lipstick. Eye shadow. Eyeliner. Foundation. Lip liner. He finally pulled out his wig and a bottle of purple nail polish, closing the drawer.
He skipped off his jeans, leaving them in a heap on the floor. Steeling his nerves, he grabbed the skirt, sliding it up his legs, letting it rest on his hips. He hadn’t worn this before, but here he was now. This was… strange. It felt good, the way it rested on his legs. He scooped up all his makeup and the nail polish, and moved to the bathroom. He meticulously applied all of it, ending with the nail polish so he could wait for it to dry. There was also a bottle of nail polish remover in the drawer so he could take it off before leaving his room the next morning.
When he was done, he went to get his wig, carefully putting it on, making sure that none of the hairs were tangled. Then he stepped back into his bathroom, standing a few paces back from his mirror.
Oh.
Oh my God.
This… this was amazing!
Sure, he’d practiced with the makeup before, and sure it was still a bit rough, but this whole ensemble… he couldn’t tear his eyes away from his reflection.
No.
Her reflection.
It was becoming impossible to ignore that simple fact that had been staring her in the face for years. She was a girl.
She was Stephanie.
