Kiss the Ground

“Should I go in and at least say hello? After all, we’re colleagues, right? Well, we could even have a meal together from now on.”“No, Jude!”“Okay, okay, I’ll chip in for the money. How much is your weekly pay anyway…”Jude cheerfully took a step forward. The café’s glass door was just a few steps away. In the moment when Chahyun missed the opportunity to stop him, his back casually passed in front of Chahyun’s eyes. Simultaneously, a strange sense of panic brushed against his chest. An inexplicable urge to flee, to escape this place.Then, suddenly, an unfamiliar woman turned her back. It was as if she was keenly aware that someone beyond her view was watching them through the window. It was as if she had waited patiently for their time together to end, her movements leisurely and unhurried. Chahyun stood there, feeling as if he were pinned in place.As his long, chestnut curls swayed with momentum, and his pale face briefly left an impression, Chahyun couldn’t help but hold his breath. Ah, not anymore. Chahyun unconsciously held his breath.And just like that, he grabbed Jude’s collar and pulled him outwards, away from the corner. As they pressed against the wall, the café vanished from sight in an instant.“What the…!”Jude, who had been pushed against the wall with sudden roughness, made a frog-like sound of protest.“Why are you doing this?”“We shouldn’t just… go in and interrupt like that. We don’t even know what the relationship is.”An improvised excuse emerged on the spot, stuttering at the edges. The trembling at the end of his words was inevitable. His heart pounded as if someone were striking a giant bell inside his chest.“You say we don’t know what the relationship is, but it’s obvious.”Jude muttered incredulously. A deep, wide vibration, incomprehensible to the ear, permeated beyond the heart and into the lungs. Chahyun leaned against the wall, pressing his back, as his breathing became shallow. As his breaths quickened, a nauseating sensation crept through his stomach.Obviously knowing each other.The reason Chahyun couldn’t refute Jude’s assertion about Misha’s relationship with the woman was because, even to his eyes, they seemed that way.Chahyun clenched his fist tighter around Jude’s clothing. What escaped his throat was a voice squeezed out as if from a stranglehold.“Sorry Jude, let’s eat something else.”“What?!”Jude, still stuck to the wall, widened his eyes in dismay. Without meeting his gaze, Chahyun muttered with his lips fixed on the distant brick floor.“I don’t mind what you want to eat, but let’s go somewhere else.”“Huh? Now? Suddenly?”Jude’s eyes raised about a hundred question marks. My barbecue, my pickles… Ignoring the words he mumbled vaguely, Chahyun firmly held onto Jude’s collar and started walking back the way they came. Jude, whose stumbling steps couldn’t quite comprehend the decision, soon realized that Chahyun’s mind was made up and fell silent.Their shadow, walking back against the street, merged with others and stretched out on the ground. The relief Chahyun had felt just moments ago now weighed heavily on the ground, as if it were a fleeting foolish illusion.Throughout dinner, Jude kept glancing at Chahyun. Occasionally, he would grab a blue china dog with one hand and gulp down its contents. If it was draft beer inside, he didn’t show any signs of drinking aromatic jasmine tea. But it seemed his disappointment wasn’t just because Chahyun had finally dragged him away from the Chinese restaurant they frequented.He didn’t ask any questions about the incident until they left the restaurant. The conversation at the table was all small talk. As quick to pick up on subtle cues as he was sensitive about trivial matters, his friend, tapping Chahyun’s back firmly once they split at the center parking lot, said nothing more.“Forget about it and rest well. We’re back to training tomorrow.”Whether it was a show of concern or if he genuinely sensed something, gratitude and anxiety flooded Chahyun at the strange consideration, but there was no time to offer any explanation for his sudden actions. Chahyun nodded vaguely and got into the parked car.The lonely drive home was long and dark. It only took a moment for the intrusive thoughts that had been warned against Jude to start creeping into his mind. Chahyun recalled Misha’s face for what seemed like the umpteenth time.The memory that first surged to mind when thinking of him was the gaze they shared in a small restaurant after a game a few days ago.His hand overlapping Chahyun’s, his trembling pupils as he solemnly and earnestly confessed his love. The gaze that shook like gentle waves, carrying a tender warmth.Chahyun gripped the steering wheel tightly. He felt like he was going to be sick.It’s impossible, there’s no way Misha would be interested in someone else. The embarrassing conviction that emerged without his awareness stemmed from the fact that Misha’s confession to Chahyun had been so intense and passionate. His sincerity was so profound and genuine that there was no room to doubt it even a little.But even if Misha were to express the same fervor to someone else, Chahyun couldn’t feel resentful or uneasy about it. Because Yoon Chahyun had yet to properly respond to his feelings. He was still acting like a fool, neither rejecting nor accepting, just floating around… He couldn’t quite let him go, yet couldn’t fully embrace and accept this relationship. There was nothing established or promised between them at this moment.In other words, they were just colleagues who had kissed.So, this strange and subtle feeling at the moment was jealousy. Could Chahyun claim any ownership or exclusivity over Misha’s actions at this point?“……”Chahyun unconsciously slammed his fist onto the center of the steering wheel. It was only after the sharp honk reverberated through the quiet residential area that he snapped back to his senses. He didn’t even realize how recklessly he had been driving, and the car was already parked in front of his house. Pushing the car into the garage with a restless mind, Chahyun hurried into the entrance.***The dog, who had spent both morning and afternoon with the pet sitter, must have been sleeping alone, as it dashed out into the hallway without even opening its eyes. Chahyun washed his hands in the bathroom before finally stroking the dog’s head.“Haah.”As he collapsed onto the living room floor as if crumbling, the joints of his arms and legs relaxed languidly. Whether he had made sure not to come in wearing shoes for the comfort of this momentary relaxation, he couldn’t be sure. As he lay on his back, stretching his arms and legs towards the ceiling, Hongsam walked over and looked down at his owner. Chahyun looked up at the backlit face of the large animal from below.Yeah. Even my dog loves you, so it’s not strange that many humans love you too.But still… no matter how much…A feeling welled up in his heart. It was akin to a sense of injustice. Chahyun folded one arm and rested his head on it.“Hey.”Hongsam flicked his long ears. He knew it was a call for him.“Am I being ridiculous?”Hongsam folded his legs and sat like a deer. His black, round eyes blinked.“No, but you said to wait. You said you were good at waiting… Think about it slowly.”As soon as he opened his mouth, the complaints poured out effortlessly. Hongsam listened intently to Chahyun’s words with a serious gaze.“Then you should give me time. If it’s been so long since you said that, then how am I supposed to…”Hongsam rested his head on Chahyun’s chest. Chahyun ran his hand through the soft fur and looked up at the ceiling.“It’s me…”His heart thudded. The dog, without a word, listened to his owner’s heartbeat.“You said it’s me.”The unheard words hung in the air before falling onto the floor where Chahyun lay.Yoon Chahyun didn’t know who the woman talking to Misha was. The identity pushing him into the bottomless pit of groundless worries has yet to be clearly revealed.The figure may be Misha’s friend, or perhaps a colleague unknown to Chahyun. But maybe, as Jude suggested, it could be more than that. Like a purebred stray dog sitting upright in the rain, he wasn’t someone who easily let others touch his face. At least, Yoon Chahyun had never seen Misha allow such behavior from anyone other than himself.What conversations had passed between them as Misha caressed his scars? Chahyun brought his hands to his lips.Perhaps… did he mention me?After all, to explain the origin of those scars, one couldn’t omit Yoon Chahyun’s presence. Because they were scars inflicted by, or at least as deeply carved by, Yoon Chahyun.If he did mention me, what was it like? How did Misha talk about me? How did he describe and express it? How did you see me through his eyes…“Insane.”Yoon Chahyun tightly shut his eyes. The back of his head rolled against the hard floor.Oh, even if it’s wrong, it’s way too wrong. Everything felt so alien and awkward. Chahyun had never, not once in his life, found himself paying attention to the non-heterosexual side of the table while a man and a woman sat there. His heart was pounding as if it would burst, and he felt feverish.This eerie emotion wasn’t of the kind that could be honed through practice or become familiar through prolonged exposure. It was a realm beyond the horizon of Chahyun’s life so far, an unknown territory beyond the rails of existence.And in that darkness was Misha. Alone, flickering in the abyss of the unknown, silently urging Chahyun to make a choice. He had to let go of the hand he held to grab another if he wanted to grasp the one Misha was offering. He had to release himself from the gravity of this life, revolving in safe and predictable orbits, and step towards the unknown…“Ah!”Chahyun hugged Hongsam’s neck tightly and suddenly sat up.“I’m going crazy.”As Jude had said, Misha would soon be joining the training for the quarterfinals. With his face buried in the dog’s cheek, Chahyun anticipated the approaching day. Emotions that felt like they would explode swirled inside him.***The center, now resumed training, was bustling with people like ants. With Winchester United FC’s unexpected advancement to the quarterfinals becoming a reality, the training staff were busy preparing routines for the next training sessions, and medical staff were occupied managing the players’ conditions.If expectations were correct, Misha would likely start training today. Since his unexpected appearance at the open training day after the injury, it had been almost a month and a few weeks. His return was eagerly awaited not only by the fans but by everyone at the center.So, Chahyun’s being the first to spot Misha alone in the morning locker room was almost a stroke of luck. He had imagined meeting him for two days, but hadn’t expected it to happen so soon. Standing briefly outside the locker room, Chahyun hesitated before stepping inside.Misha was halfway through changing from his casual clothes, unaware of the doorbell echoing loudly in the quiet room. Chahyun took a few steps in and called his name.“Misha.”Misha’s pale face turned straight towards Chahyun standing by the entrance. What would he say if Chahyun brought up finding him on the street yesterday? Maybe he’d say something like it wasn’t a big deal, implying he was also watching from the café last night. Explaining their relationship as nothing special.Ah, that would be good. It would turn last night’s agonizing solitary turmoil into nothing much. Then at least he could self-deprecate for having such foolish thoughts.But Misha just stepped closer to Chahyun, smiling slowly.“Yuan. Good morning.”Even though it was a normal greeting, his heart fluttered for some reason. Chahyun took a deep breath and opened his mouth. There was no other way but to ask the question he had been thinking about.“Misha. You, last time…”“Yeah, did you check out my gift?”He was caught off guard in an instant. Misha stood close in front of Chahyun, whispering in his ear. There was a melting smile in his eyes. Chahyun, forgetting what he was about to say, echoed his words as if entranced.“Gift?”“Yeah, the camera. I picked it out. Wasn’t it in your locker?”“Oh… I got it.”“How was it? Did you try it out?”A romantic gaze was directed at Chahyun. His own flustered expression reflected in those eyes seemed out of place.Chahyun blinked as his heart tightened strangely. A foolish voice escaped his throat.“The design… is cute.”“Cute?”“And the performance is good too…”“It’s the latest model. I’m glad you like it.”With a smile like a painting, Misha took Chahyun’s hand. The silence in the room made it seem like the sound of their heartbeats could be heard. Whether he noticed that thought or not, Misha quietly added,“It’s just the two of us, Yuan.”The question he was about to ask casually scattered in his mind. He couldn’t tell if he was holding his hand or if his throat was being held. Misha lowered his voice as if telling a secret. Chahyun involuntarily shivered as Misha leaned in close to his ear.“My proposal, have you thought about it?”Chahyun stared blankly at Misha’s face. While he was immersed in such thoughts, Misha’s attitude was no different from the last time they met. He spoke of their deal as if it were nothing, with an air of nonchalance that could almost make one boil with anger.Chahyun couldn’t bring himself to inquire about their relationship to that face. If by some chance there really was something between them, if what Chahyun witnessed wasn’t just a ridiculous misunderstanding… if it really was the case.He was afraid to confirm. Chahyun froze, unable to nod or shake his head. It was when Misha looked at Chahyun’s face, gradually wearing a puzzled expression.“What’s up, Misha! You got here really fast. Were you two together?”The door creaked open, and a familiar voice rushed in. Misha shot a sharp glance in the direction of the sound. Chahyun stepped back awkwardly and responded to the greeting.“Jude.”Jude raised one hand and turned his head towards Misha.“You were a bit tense for a joint training session, huh? Offering your face up so early like this.”“It’s been a while. I needed time to get used to the atmosphere.”Misha replied neatly.“Good attitude.”Jude glanced at the two for a moment, then walked straight to his spot. Jude, who seemed to have started from home in his workout clothes, held a pair of shoes in his hand. His cheerful steps stirred up the stagnant air in the room.“The others will be here soon. If you came early, it’s better to finish eating before it gets too crowded.”An out-of-place hum echoed. Feeling drained, Chahyun stretched out his hand. But the question Chahyun had been aiming for came unexpectedly from Jude’s mouth.“Oh right, Misha. We saw you yesterday. It was probably an alley near Plumtree Court, right?”At that moment, Chahyun didn’t miss the slight twitch of Misha’s eyebrows. It was a very subtle change, imperceptible to anyone but Chahyun, who was standing close in front of him. He murmured softly as if echoing Jude’s words.“Us?”“Yeah, Yuan and I, just the two of us. We finished training and decided to grab dinner there. Oh, did we mention it already?”“No, not yet.”Chahyun replied quietly. Jude continued as he changed into his training shoes.“Really, what a coincidence. London seems vast but it’s surprisingly small, isn’t it? It’s like we bump into each other whenever we’re out.”“…”Misha remained silent. Chahyun observed his quiet profile. Suddenly, in the settling silence, Jude paused briefly before continuing like flowing water.“By the way, who was the girl you were with?”It was as if Jude knew that Yoon Chahyun hadn’t asked that question yet. Chahyun held his breath alone.With a question thrown in by someone else, Misha stood silently, looking calmly at Jude.In that brief moment, Chahyun thought Misha might casually explain the situation, in his typical indifferent and quiet voice. Perhaps he would say it was a friend, a colleague, or some other ordinary connection Chahyun hadn’t anticipated. It was almost wishful thinking.But unexpectedly, Misha turned his head towards Chahyun with a hesitant movement. It was clearly a gesture to gauge Chahyun’s reaction.Hesitating, Chahyun met his gaze. Jude’s voice echoed.“Is she your girlfriend?”“No.”Misha answered abruptly, avoiding Chahyun’s gaze, and then slowly added while looking ambiguously beyond the wall.“She was just a passerby.”Chahyun felt a coldness settling in his stomach. It was the same feeling of queasiness, as if he might vomit, just like before.“A passerby.” That designation didn’t fit into any spectrum Chahyun had imagined. It was an unexpected expression, enough to provoke a hollow laugh, to doubt his ears.As if cold water swept beneath his feet, the chilling sensation passed. Jude, tightening his shoelaces, half rose and repeated Misha’s response as if shouting.“A passerby? Is that what you call a fan?”“…”Jude seemed to interpret Misha’s silence as affirmation. His eyes widened with surprise and disbelief.“Hanging out alone with a fan? Quite something, Misha. You act like you’re not interested in such things. Well, I guess it’s routine for guys like Kaya and Donovan… It’s all about personal preference.”Still, it was somewhat surprising. Jude’s voice grew louder. While it was evident to everyone listening, Misha, with glassy eyes, stared silently somewhere beyond the wall where Chahyun stood. There wasn’t a word of denial.Yoon Chahyun had nothing to say either. No words were permitted. His answer, detached from all assumptions, choked his throat.It was as Jude said. It wasn’t at all strange for an adult to meet someone they got along with. With differences in national and international customs, it was quite common, especially for a globally recognized athlete. While their actions might attract media attention, it was solely their choice and responsibility. No one could blame them for having a private life.But the inexplicable emotions churned like molten lava. Chahyun clenched his fists. Before he knew it, he was speaking.“A passerby…”In a low voice, as if hitting the ground, Chahyun caught Jude’s strange look.“You shouldn’t get so close to strangers passing by. What if something happened to you?”What is he even saying? Chahyun held his breath. It was absurd. He knew he wasn’t the one supposed to say anything. He had not been given the position to say anything more.In the tense air, both their gazes fell on Chahyun’s face. His face felt hot. It seemed his cheeks would redden, so Chahyun swallowed his saliva.“I… I’ll go to the locker room first. It took too long just to change shoes…”Jude, sensing the belated tension, quickly rose from his seat and headed for the exit. The sound of his untied shoelaces dragging on the floor was heard, then he disappeared behind the glass door. Misha firmly grasped Chahyun’s arm, who was about to follow Jude out of the locker room.“Yuan.”Chahyun half-raised the arm held by Misha and looked straight into his eyes. Misha appeared puzzled by the intense gaze, which was unlike him. Unaware that even Chahyun’s heart was swaying with that gaze, Misha closed his mouth like a clam before asserting.“It’s nothing.”“What?”“What you saw, it’s nothing. Really, just a passerby.”“I know. We just talked about it.”“What I mean is, they’re someone who’ll leave soon. Never to appear again.”Something hot surged within Chahyun as he furrowed his brow. What on earth was Misha talking about?“…I’m sorry for making you see that. It’s my fault. It should have occurred to me that someone might see us… in the London suburbs.”“…”“Forget it, Yuan. Forget it and don’t worry. They’re someone you don’t need to know about.”“What do you mean?”“I’ll make sure we never cross paths again.”“So… what are you even saying!”Chahyun finally exclaimed. Misha’s words were disjointed, as if missing crucial information. Amidst the contextless speech, the only thing Chahyun could clearly discern was Misha’s adamant refusal to reveal not just their encounters but his own existence to Chahyun. Despite being dismissed as someone who simply enjoys casual encounters with strangers, Misha displayed an unwavering determination to accept that gaze and choose to remain silent about the other’s identity, demonstrating an incredibly firm resolve not to reveal the truth, whatever it may be.And yet, despite all this, he had been constantly mindful of Chahyun’s feelings. That attitude alone further upset Chahyun’s emotions.Honestly, he felt terrible.“…Anyway, I got it. Seeing you on the street that day was completely coincidental. I didn’t spy on you or secretly follow you. Remember that.”“Yuan.”“So you don’t need to explain it to me like that… It’s weird. We’re nothing to each other.”But they were nothing. The words he had been repeating to himself suddenly slipped out of his mouth. He tried to catch his breath in the faint sense of defeat, but the half-spoken words couldn’t be retrieved.Misha… Misha tilted his head wordlessly. Over the unique sad light in his gray eyes, colors of resignation slowly rose. It was surprisingly clear.Chahyun tried to speak again. But his mind was blank. Through parted lips, only his name weakly escaped.“Mi…”At that moment, the locker room door opened, and a bustling commotion rushed in. Some teammates, preparing for the morning training, poured in through the gap and greeted Misha warmly when they saw him. Someone wrapped their arm around him, offering congratulations for his return after a long absence.Amidst this bustle, Misha released the hem of Chahyun’s clothes from his grasp. As Chahyun weakly let his arm fall, he stared blankly at the scene. The distance kept growing. Amidst the athletes filling the space between them, Misha slowly lowered his gaze. Only when the narrow gap was blocked by the body of an unknown teammate did Chahyun belatedly lower his head.His chest ached painfully.