ALL NOVEL (Prologue) Darkness & Light.
“Leah… Don’t… leave me, please…” All I heard were those words along with some quiet sobbing, it was a familiar angelic voice, except I had made it cry.
* * *
‘Time is finite, it’s something we waste, yet something we also seem to value the most whenever we find it convenient. It’s something truly laughable, how much time gets wasted.’
How did it all start? Well, it’s always been like that, time is limited... It could be spent reading, it could be spent making your dreams come true; harnessing knowledge. It’s something almost limitless… Or so I wish it was, what if you don’t get to choose how to spend your time. Bound to something... something that is insurmountable; a colossus. A colossus that chooses your life, the so-called “Fate.”
Was it all fate? Something akin to a random number generator, something that determined your life from the very start… It sounds almost impossible, yet it’s present in every human being. Some people feel blessed… I on the other hand… not so much.
‘How did it all start?’ It’s a question I always asked myself… However, it simply was an empty question I already knew the answer to. There was no point in worrying about it; it was inevitable, I thought so at around that time as well.
All I wanted to do was to protect her, I wanted to be a figure of admiration, I wanted to be a hero to her. I wanted to do the same that mom did for me once upon a time, but she was no longer my hero, she had ruined my life. I had become bitter towards her, I couldn’t help but blame her.
I just wanted to be a reliable figure to my little sister, and yet I was the one that had ended up needing the care. It felt bitter, it made me feel miserable. I couldn’t bear to look at her. It was practically impossible, my feelings were mixed.
I asked to be moved to a nursing home, that way I would not be a bother to my family. But that was an excuse, I simply couldn’t live with my own existence, knowing I was affecting someone so much I could feel it. Sometimes it was just better to escape.
I picked up on reading, anything that I would have at my reach I would read. It felt fantastic to learn, it felt almost euphoric to read about a fantastic adventure in a world that was created through words. Words felt limitless, I had heard something along the lines of a picture is worth a million words.
But was it really the case? I certainly did not think so, although maybe the quote wasn’t meant for that, but I certainly thought so. It was my own little escape from reality, an escape that allowed me to follow a superhero or even think I was the superhero at times. It brought relief and a bit of excitement to my monotonous life. It felt as if I “experienced” things that normally would’ve been impossible for me.
As far as my actual life was, my sister would come in every now and then to visit me, it was always hard to face her in such a miserable state, that look of her eyes of pity. I dreaded it…
Then that day came:
She came in with a rather vacant expression and she looked at me. “Mom is dead.” I couldn’t help but not believe her, however, her vacant eyes made me look away, I could not bear being stared at like that. Uninterested and distant eyes, I had seen those eyes before in my mom. Maybe I was just meant for failure.
I waited for her to leave, but I did not hear anything. Wasn’t she going to leave or something? And then I heard it, she started sobbing. At that moment I understood, I had been selfish, I felt guilty for wasting my sister’s time, for blaming my mom. I turned back to her with regret.
“I think it would’ve been better if I was the one that died…” I said my true thoughts in sadness.
SLAP! “Don’t say that, please!” She pleaded with pain.
I was no hero… I was just a bad person, someone meaningless and riddled with disease… I couldn’t even keep my sister happy.
I sunk into a depression and eventually even started to decline my sister’s visits, telling the nurses to not let her in. I couldn’t dare to face her after what I had done those years back.
It was truly laughable…
* * *
“Leah, what’s wrong?”
“Are you just going to play that game again? Pretending you don’t notice?! It’s your fault!”
Mom flinched. “I told you so already… it’s not my fault…”
“Ha? Are you telling me you didn’t tell my sister that I was going to die and to take care of me?! Well, congratulations, you accomplished your goal, I am going to die!” I paused for a second as I reconsidered, I swallowed in bitterness. “You could’ve just, let me rot in a hospital, there is no point in living anymore, I have nothing anymore. I am just a burden.”
“Leah… I just want you to be happy...”
I grit my teeth. “Does this look like happiness to you?! Just LEAVE!” I shouted at her.
* * *
That was my last interaction with her. I regretted it so much. Sometimes I wished I hadn’t existed, I never did anything for anyone… Needing constant care, constant supervision, just so that I would not die or something… It felt better if I was just dead.
The more I thought about it the more depressed I got, I just wanted to not know anything. However, dying was... I couldn’t do that, at least not for my sister. All I could do was read more and more books, it brought momentary joy, it was an escape. It did not take long before I started to read anything, at first they were just normal novels and children’s books, but eventually, the selection expanded into whatever I could get my hands on; be it in physical or the internet.
Until I came around with the Japanese genre. It felt like it was fantasy on top of fantasy, it felt so fantastical… I did not think there could be something so extreme. I got fixated on those books, it felt like a fever-dream, a lot of them were mostly wish-fulfilling, which is what made them so enjoyable for me, for someone that just didn’t want to know anything anymore.
From body transformations to insurmountable wealth. I got especially obsessed with body transformations, how would it be to live without constraints? How would it feel to not be bound? The idea made my heart race. It felt like a light inside the tunnel, even if the light was just a lightbulb inside the tunnel, even if it was a false hope.
I was never fond of my name, every time it got mentioned things just seemed to go side-ways, I was also often mistaken by a girl due to my weak physique, the name certainly did not help. I didn’t particularly blame my mom for it, since my dad chose it. The one I never met.
Leah was just a name that was associated with me, but I didn’t really feel like it was me. I had found this character called Leah, it made me a bit happier to know a character in a book had the same name, even if she was a girl. She was the heroine as well, it made me happy that at least there was a heroic figure with my name, even if said name did not mean much, at least it was something associated with me.
Sadly time was limited… I could not read forever…
* * *
I opened my eyes. “Leah… Don’t… leave me…” It was my sister, all of her tears were dripping onto me. I wanted to answer her, but I couldn’t.
Lily watched in horror as she called my name. The heart monitor kept beeping until it stopped and let out a single and persistent sound.
Cries echoed in the hospital room. All I did was bring misery… In the end, I couldn’t be a hero… for anyone… I am sorry Lily, your dumb brother couldn’t even survive for you…
…
[-Soul detected-]
[…Classifying-error…]
[...Retrying…]
[-Unexpected internal influence detected-]
[-Soul re-detected and re-classified-]
* * *
[…Generating and Binding…]
[Encountered resistance… Apprehending…]
[Resistance apprehended…]