Lost

“I didn’t even tie you up because I thought you might hate it. I didn’t even lock the door because I thought you might hate it, and I didn’t tie you up, letting you wander around as you pleased? I couldn’t help but laugh. Is that what you call effort? Is that what Jung Woojin means by effort? Enduring the anxiety that I might run away and letting me do whatever I wanted?”“Sunbae.”At that moment, Jung Woojin, who had been lowering his head and keeping his mouth shut, called out to me. When I broke free from my thoughts and looked up, Jung Woojin was staring at me with a tear-soaked face.“I can’t do it.”“What?”“I can’t do it. No matter how much I think about it, I can’t do it. I really can’t.”Jung Woojin collapsed as if something fragile was being overwhelmed by a massive wave. Blood was streaming from his tightly clenched fist as he fell to the ground.“I can’t. I really can’t do it. Sunbae, not that… Anything but that… I really can’t do it…”Jung Woojin was crying like a five-year-old child. Suddenly, for some reason, I recalled the tattered piece of paper I had seen in that drawer.“Not that, Sunbae. I’ll do anything else, just please…”[Wait here. You must wait.]“Please save me.”— Hyung, save me.“Sunbae, please save me… I really can’t do it.”— Hyung, save me.[Wait here. You must wait.]A dizzy spell came over me. It happened in an instant. The sky and the ground flipped, and my head rang as if I’d been hit by something. Through the tilting view, I saw Jung Woojin running towards me. His tear-streaked face overlapped with a younger face.I know that face. I know the child who desperately called out to me, crying pitifully. Me, when I was very young.“Sunbae!”Kim Woojin, the one I killed.As I fell endlessly, Jung Woojin, no, Kim Woojin, reached out and held me in an almost crushing embrace.＊＊＊It felt like I had become dust floating in the air. Drifting aimlessly, unable to move on my own, I felt like something powerless that could only be carried along by the flow. Even though I couldn’t be certain of where I was, where I was going, or if I was even truly here, there was one sound that I could hear distinctly.It was the sound of someone crying sorrowfully. It wasn’t sobbing, nor was it wailing— it was a cry that was close to a scream.The desperate sound echoed in my ears like the beating of my heart. That sound alone convinced me that I still existed in this place.When the sound that had been pounding in my ears to the point of deafening stopped, I became dust once more. As I lost awareness of where my arms were, where my legs were, or whether I was even truly here, a terrifying sense of dread overwhelmed me. I wanted to thrash about and scream for help, but I couldn’t make a sound. I felt like crying because I was utterly helpless. But I wasn’t even sure if I could cry. Do I have eyes? Can I shed tears? Am I really human? Where is this place? Why am I here? What am I?Who am I?“Sunbae.”“…….”“Sunbae.”My vision blurred. As I struggled to open my eyes, the wailing that had filled my head like a scream struck my ears. I couldn’t move, just slowly blinked, and through the hazy vision, someone appeared.“Sunbae?”“…….”“Sunbae, are you awake? Are you okay? Does it hurt? Sunbae, Sunbae.”Gradually, my focus returned. When my vision fully cleared, I saw someone in front of me, their face soaked with tears, repeatedly calling my name. My throat was dry and scratchy, so I couldn’t speak. I raised my hand and looked at my fingers, my wrist, and my arm.I have an arm. My legs move too. My fingers, eyelids, and lips all move.“Sunbae. Can you see me? Do you know who I am? Why aren’t you saying anything? Please, say something. What’s wrong? Are you uncomfortable? Sunbae, please, just say something…”“…….”Tears fell onto the back of my hand. It was only then that I turned my gaze back to him. My dry, chapped lips stung.“Ah.”“Sunbae?”“Ah… Ah.”“…Sunbae?”After confirming that my voice worked, I awkwardly stammered out,“Who are you?”＊＊＊The scenery that quickly passed by seemed familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time.“Are you uncomfortable anywhere?”I turned my head slowly away from the window and looked at the man. He said his name was Jung Woojin.“Tell me right away if you feel uncomfortable at all.”“Yes.”I nodded slightly, and he reached out and placed his hand over mine. As I watched him driving with one hand on the wheel and the other holding my hand, I started to feel a bit scared. What if we got into an accident? I stared tensely at the bright red traffic light ahead. The red light turned yellow and then green again.Huh?“Ugh.”“Sunbae?”“Oh, it’s nothing.”Why was the traffic light yellow? Weren’t there only red and green lights? I held my throbbing head and swallowed, and he tightened his grip on my hand.“We’re almost there. Just hang on a little longer.”I turned my head back to look at him.The doctor and that person told me I had amnesia. At first, I didn’t understand what they meant, but it seemed true. For one thing, I didn’t remember anyone. Although I didn’t have any issues with language or anything like that, I could tell that something was off, like just now, with that traffic light.“The traffic light…”“Yes?”“It’s yellow.”The man, who had stopped briefly at the light, nodded his head.“Yes, the yellow light is like a signal to prepare.”As I looked at his composed face and listened to his explanation, I started to recall something. Right, I think there was a yellow light on traffic signals. No, there definitely was. Red, yellow, green. That’s right. I nodded as if I’d made a significant realization.It was the same earlier. I had been startled by something making noise and moving on the wall. I’d never seen anything so bizarre in my life. When I asked in surprise what it was, he calmly explained that it was a clock. When he said that, I remembered that it was indeed a clock.I was indeed a patient suffering from amnesia, just as the doctor had said.I wanted to ask who I was, where my family was, who he was, and where we were going, but my head hurt, so I refrained. I didn’t know who he was, but for some reason, he didn’t seem like a bad person. It was just a feeling. He was the first person I saw when I opened my eyes, so maybe he was my guardian. Whether it was because I had no memory or because I hadn’t fully woken up, I wasn’t feeling particularly confused. It was just a little strange.The man who introduced himself as Jung Woojin talked with the doctor for a long time before turning to me with a gentle smile and suggesting we go home. That was all. He didn’t offer any further explanations, and I didn’t ask.I had this strange conviction that this person wouldn’t do anything to harm me. The sobbing that had sounded like screaming while I lay there, unable to move, must have been his. Thinking that made me feel even more at ease.So, for now, it was more important to adapt to this strange world and regain my memories. Although I was still confused, I took a deep breath to think rationally. As I tightly gripped the seatbelt that was securely fastened across my chest and took deep breaths repeatedly, he softly started the car and asked,“Are you scared?”“What?”“If you’re scared, let me know. I’ll drive more slowly.”His words made me glance at him curiously for a moment before I turned to look out the window. I was so tense that I hadn’t noticed the cars behind us passing us by, with their drivers looking angry and flipping us off with their middle fingers.Why are they doing that? I hunched my shoulders in surprise, and he asked again,“Are you okay?”“Oh, yes…”I nodded awkwardly as I looked ahead again. After driving for a while, we arrived somewhere. I looked around at the unfamiliar scenery as I followed him, and suddenly, he opened a cover above the doorknob. I flinched in surprise, and he looked at me and said,“It’s a door lock.”He smiled kindly as he explained, noticing my startled reaction. But unlike with the clock or the traffic light, even hearing the name didn’t help me recall what it was. I was at a loss, unable to say anything, so he continued,“You press the numbers, and the door opens.”What is that… I stood there with a shocked expression, unable to even blink. He slowly pressed the numbers as if to show me. 1208.“It’s your birthday, Sunbae.”Sunbae? Now that I think about it, he’s been calling me Sunbae since the beginning. Could he be a junior from school? I tilted my head in confusion, and he opened the door and led me inside. I entered, feeling tense. As I slowly walked in, he stopped me.“You need to take off your shoes before coming in.”“Oh, I know that…”I was about to say that I knew, but he bent down and took off my shoes. Then, he put on a pair of fuzzy slippers for me. I was startled and flustered by his actions—kneeling down and taking off my shoes and putting new ones on for me—when he looked up at me and smiled.“These are living room slippers.”“…”Even I know what living room slippers are. I wasn’t shocked because I didn’t know what they were… I had so much I wanted to say that I didn’t know where to start. My head ached, and I frowned. He stood up and reached out to place his hand on my forehead. Before he could say anything, I grabbed his collar and asked,“What’s our relationship?”“What?”“No, I mean… I don’t know what kind of relationship we have… You called me Sunbae earlier, so I thought maybe you’re a junior from school or something…”As I babbled on, something felt off. If he calls me Sunbae, we’re probably not family, but why is he treating me so well? No matter how close a junior is, would they take care of a Sunbae who has amnesia like this? Putting on and taking off their shoes?I couldn’t meet his gaze and looked away, but Jung Woojin grabbed my hand. He intertwined his fingers with mine gently, not hurting me, and pressed his lips against the back of my hand. Starting from where his lips touched, the coolness of my hand turned warm.“You should have asked that before following me.”“…”His words made me break out in a cold sweat. Startled, I tried to step back, but something warm and tepid fell onto the back of my hand. A tear slid down. The man lifted his head and looked at me with a strange expression. It wasn’t quite crying, nor was it smiling—it was a really strange expression.“We’re nothing to each other.”“…”In the quiet moment, for some reason, I recalled his earlier appearance when he was crying like a child. The loud ringing in my ears made it hard to breathe, so I closed my eyes for a moment before opening them again.“What, what do you…”I was about to ask what he meant but stopped. As I stammered, he shed more tears. It was a silent cry. He held onto my hand, trembling as he bowed his head. He didn’t say anything more. Though he seemed on the verge of collapsing, he didn’t fall, and though it seemed like he was about to scream, he didn’t. His hands, gripping mine, turned pale and shook, but my hand didn’t hurt.“……”Watching him cry so sorrowfully, I felt utterly helpless. I didn’t know what to do. After hesitating for a long time, I finally reached out with my other hand and gently placed it on his shoulder. As soon as my hand touched him, he flinched. When he slowly lifted his head, his pale face was drenched with tears.“I’m not sure what’s going on, but let’s calm down first…”I had been a bit scared when he told me to ask questions before following him, but seeing him cry like this somehow made my guard drop. It was the same when I first saw him at the hospital. For some reason, I didn’t feel wary around this person. I was just confused about this situation and my own circumstances.As I awkwardly patted his shoulder a couple of times, he mumbled through his tears.“Is there anywhere you’re hurt? The hospital said you’re okay now… They said your memory will gradually come back.”“Ah…”“If you’re unlucky, it might not come back at all.”His voice trembled terribly as he said that. For some reason, he seemed incredibly pitiful. Pitiful and very cold. I’m the one who’s sick, I’m the one who’s lost my memory, so why is he crying? Didn’t he say we were nothing to each other? Then why is he crying? I cleared my throat and started speaking.“My memory will come back eventually. But your name is Jung Woojin, right?”“……”“……What should I call you? Mr. Jung Woojin?”He said we were nothing to each other, but it seemed like we at least knew each other. If we were complete strangers, he wouldn’t call me Sunbae or bring me to his house. And there’s no way he would cry like this over someone he didn’t know. Could it be that we had a fight before I lost my memory?“Should I call you Mr. Jung Woojin?”“……”“……Excuse me?”He didn’t seem like he was going to say anything. Whatever was making him so sad, he just kept his mouth shut and let his tears fall. Why is he crying like this? Should I comfort him first and introduce myself later? Not knowing what to do, I let out a small sigh, and suddenly, he flinched like someone who was being scolded. That strange reaction made me frown, and Jung Woojin stammered,“Just Woojin is fine.”As soon as he finally spoke, I quickly asked,“Is it okay if I just call you Woojin?”“Yes, you can speak informally too.”Without much resistance, I spoke comfortably.“Oh, then Woojin. How old are you? How old am I? Since you’re calling me Sunbae, I guess I’m older than you… Am I a student? But what’s my name…?”I rambled on as I looked around. The large house was excessively clean. No, rather than clean, it felt barren.“Yes, university…”Beep-beep-beep. Beep-beep.“Ah!”That’s when it happened. Suddenly, a piercing sound came from somewhere. Startled, I gasped, and he, too, looked at me in shock. Then, he rushed toward the source of the sound, waving his hands. Something on the table fell with a loud crash and broke on the floor. It all happened in just a few seconds.“I-I’m sorry.”“……”The mysterious machine that had been making noise seemed to have met its end. Is it okay to break something like that? With a bewildered expression, I asked,“……What was that?”“A phone…”“Huh?”When I asked again, he hurriedly picked up the fallen phone. Then, he hastily stuffed it into the trash can. Watching him, looking far more flustered than I was, I cautiously approached him.“What’s a phone?”“It’s… something you can use to hear voices…”“Voices?”“Like, you can talk on it…”Seeing Jung Woojin stammering as he tried to explain, I burst out laughing. His desperate attempt to explain was just too funny. I couldn’t stop the laughter that kept bubbling up. I also kept thinking about how flustered he had been just moments ago. Chuckling quietly, I ended up laughing out loud, snickering to myself. Then, I suddenly realized how quiet it was. Did I make him mad by laughing too much? I cautiously lifted my head and saw Jung Woojin staring at me with wide eyes.“……”“……”He was crying. The tears that flowed down his cheeks gathered at his chin before dropping to the floor. I couldn’t help but be taken aback.“Why are you crying?”“Because, Sunbae…”“Ugh!”He pulled me into an embrace, almost tackling me. I lost my balance and fell backward, ending up in a position where it seemed like he was on top of me. Even though I fell back, it didn’t hurt at all. His hands were supporting my head and waist. With his face buried in my shoulder, Jung Woojin began to cry like a child, unlike the silent tears he shed earlier. He sobbed loudly, unable to stop.Not knowing why, I could only try to comfort him.＊ ＊ ＊He cried for a long time. Trying to calm down the inconsolable Jung Woojin, I felt extremely at a loss. I mean, I don’t think I’ve ever had to comfort a crying child before… at least as far as I can remember. Do I just keep patting his back? He’s not responding to anything I say anyway… As I slowly patted his back and sighed inwardly, a loud sound came from my stomach.Grrrrr.It was the sound of my stomach growling. Jung Woojin, who had been sobbing with his face buried in my shoulder, suddenly lifted his head as if he’d been shocked. Sensing an opportunity, I quickly said,“Stop crying and let’s eat something. Do you have any food?”“S-Sorry… Just a moment…”Jung Woojin looked flustered as he hurriedly moved towards the kitchen. Watching his retreating back, I tilted my head in confusion. I’d felt this earlier, but he was really strange. He kept apologizing to me and was overly cautious, constantly trying to cater to me. As I watched him hurriedly take out a frying pan and open the refrigerator, I approached him.“Woojin.”His shoulders tensed up again. He froze like a robot that had run out of batteries, barely moving. Then, he glanced over at me, his eyes still red from crying earlier.“Yes…”On top of that, his voice was completely nasal.I watched him quietly and then asked teasingly,“You weren’t, like, my gofer or something, right?”“……”“Why are you so scared and constantly trying to please me…?”I expected him to deny it right away, but instead, Jung Woojin lowered his head and stayed silent. Watching his face grow paler by the second, I trailed off. I, too, couldn’t help but grow pale.“…Is it true?”“No, it’s not like that.”“……”Jung Woojin shook his head belatedly, denying it, but now it only made me more suspicious. Suddenly feeling a sharp pain in the back of my head, I staggered, and Jung Woojin quickly grabbed my shoulder in alarm. Taking a deep breath, I asked again.“What kind of person was I?”Surely, I wasn’t some kind of gangster or something, right? My nerves were on edge when Jung Woojin answered.“You were a student.”“A student?”“A university student.”“Then what about you?”“Me too…”Right? I’m a student, right? Yeah, I mentioned being a student earlier, so I must be one. I couldn’t possibly be a gangster or the son of a gangster. But then, why is he so scared and submissive around me? Was he perhaps bullied? Was Jung Woojin the victim, and I was the ringleader? Or maybe I was a strict Sunbae at school?All sorts of thoughts ran through my head. The idea that I could be that kind of person was horrifying, but then Jung Woojin spoke again.“It’s really not like that. I was just so startled…”“I’m the one with amnesia, so why are you more shocked than I am?”“…I’m sorry. I won’t be startled anymore.”“What?”I was even more taken aback. I didn’t scold him for being startled; I was just curious, so I asked. But he kept apologizing. I had been fine earlier, but now, the situation was making me uncomfortable too. Being apologized to repeatedly for no reason wasn’t making me feel any better.“Sunbae.”Seeing the grimace on my face, Jung Woojin called out to me urgently. When I looked up at him, he hesitantly started to speak.“It’s just that… this has never happened before, so I don’t know what to do…”“Ah, right. It’s not like you see someone with amnesia every day.”