Lost

He was actually angry with me. I was dumbfounded and felt like I was going to lose my mind.“I hate everything that touches Sunbae’s eyes. I hate the potted plants, the comic books, the walnut pie, the strawberries, and the braised ribs—all of it.”“……”“I hate everything, but since Sunbae likes them, I’ll try to like them too.”Jung Woojin looked at me with a dejected expression, lifting his head slightly.“So please think about me a little.”It was a heart-wrenching confession, but our situation was too far gone for me to be moved by it. In fact, since I wasn’t even gay to begin with, even if things were going well, hearing such words would still make me feel shitty.I had nothing to say, so I turned my head back to stare out the window, and Jung Woojin muttered to himself.“I’m going to block all the windows.”“……”“I hope Sunbae can’t do anything without me.”…He should probably be sent to a mental hospital rather than a prison. Isn’t this severe? I clicked my tongue in frustration. Why did I have to end up with someone as crazy as him? I felt bitter about the world.＊＊＊Tonight, the boat will arrive. It was supposed to come around eight or nine o’clock, so I had to knock Jung Woojin out before he put handcuffs on me. Would seven o’clock be alright? Honestly, there were plenty of potential weapons lying around. Even if it wasn’t a knife, I could use anything I could find to hit him on the head. Besides, Jung Woojin hadn’t even been cautious or suspicious of me.No matter how much I thought about it, Jung Woojin seemed odd. If I had kidnapped someone, I would have at least bound them so they couldn’t move, but Jung Woojin didn’t do that. Even if I went outside without saying a word to look at the sea, he didn’t get angry. He only stood quietly behind me, watching. Was it because this place is a deserted island with no escape? I didn’t know. I just wanted to leave this place no matter what.“Sunbae.”While I was lost in thought, I felt warm breath on the back of my neck. I opened my eyes and looked at the dark wall.“Sunbae.”Jung Woojin was clinging to my back like a cicada, panting heavily. He was rubbing his forehead on my back and masturbating. Whenever he shifted slightly, something hard touched my buttocks, but I didn’t move. After a few repetitions, it wasn’t surprising anymore. It was actually better that Jung Woojin was masturbating behind me while calling my name. If I said I didn’t like it or tried to escape, Jung Woojin would force my legs apart and rape me again. I just wanted it to end quickly, and then Jung Woojin wrapped his damp hand around my waist. He held me tightly, rubbing his forehead against my back and sobbing.Something was spilled between my buttocks. He had finally climaxed. As I sighed in relief, Jung Woojin spoke in a voice that seemed about to break.“I love you.”“……”“I love you a lot, really a lot.”His voice was trembling. It seemed like he was still affected by the orgasm. The smell of semen began to drift into my nose. When I didn’t respond, Jung Woojin shifted again. He sighed deeply, moving his waist. Despite having climaxed, his still-hard member brushed against my buttocks and inner thighs. Jung Woojin clung to me and moved his waist like he was digging for gold.“Sunbae.”It seemed like he could only say “Sunbae.” As I closed my heavy eyelids, Jung Woojin suddenly lifted my legs. Startled, I opened my eyes to see Jung Woojin climbing on top of me. He looked down at me with a sweaty face, panting.“I love you.”I sighed involuntarily. Jung Woojin buried his face in my shoulder as I exhaled in annoyance.“Say something.”Desperately clinging to me and pleading as if he would die if he missed it, his member still upright.“Sunbae, say something.”“Let’s get some sleep.”You fucking bastard. I swallowed my curse words and said, and Jung Woojin looked up at me. Seeing my cold expression, he said,“Touch me.”“……”“Please touch me.”I couldn’t bring myself to ask what he wanted me to touch. Even seeing my contorted, disgusted expression, Jung Woojin persisted.“My dick hurts.”“……”“I feel like I’m going to burst. Sunbae, please touch me.”Tears were welling up in his pale eyes. It seemed like they would soon drop onto my face. I wanted to push him away and turn my back, but I knew that if I did, Jung Woojin might rape me again with his wild eyes. That couldn’t happen. The boat was coming in a few hours, and if I were raped here, my plan would be ruined. Jung Woojin, clenching his teeth, urged me again.“Sunbae.”Jung Woojin started to move his hips. Tears finally fell from his red eyes, which seemed like they could no longer be held back. I had never touched anyone else’s member willingly, let alone my own. I stared at Jung Woojin for a while and then lowered my hand.“If I do this, will you leave me alone?”At my quiet voice, Jung Woojin didn’t answer but grabbed my hand and placed it on his member. As soon as my hand touched it, pre-cum started to flow from the tip of his erect penis. It was like sticky tap water dripping from a slightly open faucet. With his hand overlapping mine as I held his member, Jung Woojin moved his hips like a maniac.“Ugh, ha, hngh! Huh, ah, Sunbae, Sunbae.”“……”“Hngh……”Every time pre-cum flowed from his member, tears also flowed from his eyes. It seemed like he enjoyed using my hand like a fleshlight. Fucking bastard.“I love you, Sunbae, I love you.”“……”“Hngh, ah, I feel like I’m going to—”Long streams of cum reached my abdomen, chest, and chin. I reflexively cursed and tried to pull my hand away from his member, but Jung Woojin tightened his grip. Still holding the now-soft member, Jung Woojin bowed his head and licked off all the cum that had splattered on my chin and chest.“I want to put it in.”“……”“I want to go inside Sunbae.”Even though he spoke with a trembling voice, he didn’t press further when I didn’t respond. He just kept whispering filthy talk into my ear.“I want to suck the inside of your hole.”“……”“I want to put it in and shake it. I want to stab and poke and cum inside Sunbae.”“……”“I want to eat Sunbae’s cum.”After listening to this shitty talk for a while, I raised my hand. As soon as my hand touched his head, Jung Woojin noticeably recoiled. Jung Woojin, who had been spewing dirty talk like a broken machine, stopped speaking altogether. He rested his head against my hand and became motionless, as if he had fallen asleep. I smiled with a twisted face.At least this nightmare would end today.＊＊＊I stayed up all night with my eyes wide open. Jung Woojin was sleeping like a corpse. It was understandable. He hadn’t slept or eaten properly for the past few days. He seemed to be in a deep sleep, so he probably wouldn’t wake up easily. I glanced at the clock. The hands pointed to 5. The boat would come in two hours at the earliest. I had to deal with Jung Woojin before then. Ideally, I wanted to kill him, but I didn’t want to become a murderer, and honestly, I wasn’t sure if I could kill someone. I planned to simply knock him out and tie him up with some rope.I held my breath and got up. Even when I carefully removed his hand from my body, he didn’t move. After staring at his heavily drooping eyelids for a while, I got out of bed. A cold chill enveloped my body from the soles of my feet. I moved stealthily like a cat. It was hard to take even a few steps. I silently opened the door without breathing. Thankfully, there was no sound. I pushed through the pitch-black darkness and went to the kitchen. In the neatly organized kitchen with no moisture, I searched for a knife. Just in case.Holding a large kitchen knife in one hand and a light-colored wooden pestle in the other, I wondered if I could knock Jung Woojin out with this. The length seemed too short, and I felt uneasy. I bit my lip, put down the pestle, and looked for something else. However, there was nothing that could be considered a weapon. While searching for a potential weapon in the darkness,“Sunbae?”A drowsy voice came through. I felt a rush of blood leave my legs. Terrified to the core, I couldn’t make a sound and ran toward the front door. It was almost a reflexive action. Gripping the knife tightly in one hand, I slammed the door open and ran without looking back. It was still dark because the sun hadn’t risen yet.I ran aimlessly, not knowing where I was going. I didn’t have the courage to look back in fear. I shouldn’t go this way. This wasn’t toward the sea. Even though I thought that, I ran up the mountain like a madman. After running for a while, I felt a sense of defeat. Why was I running away? I should have just gone back to the room when Jung Woojin called me, acted like nothing happened, and said I went to get a glass of water!“Fuck!”I shouted in frustration and ran even faster. I shouldn’t have come out like this. I should have either knocked Jung Woojin out or killed him with the knife and resolved the situation before coming out!I had a premonition that my escape had failed. But that didn’t mean I could go back.I had been running up the mountain, cursing, when the sun began to rise faintly. The pitch-black surroundings gradually came into view. There were grown trees, blue-green grass, and damp, muddy ground. I was sweating profusely. My breath was coming in ragged gasps, and only then did I realize I had left without even putting on shoes. I saw blood spots on the top of my feet, likely from something I had scratched myself on. My head went cold with the sudden recollection of Jung Woojin’s warning that he wouldn’t let me off easily if I got hurt on my own.If I get caught, I’ll just get raped again.I laughed bitterly as if I had gone mad. Looking back, I saw no one. In fact, there were so many trees that it was hard to tell. Everything seemed similar. I steadied my breath and continued running upwards. The escape had already failed. Even if the boat came, I wouldn’t be able to reach it. I thought that this time, Jung Woojin might really cut off my legs. Even if he didn’t carve up my flesh, he’d probably tie me up. Maybe he’d put handcuffs on my ankles. Then I wouldn’t be able to move a step from under the bed.Just imagining it made everything go dark in front of my eyes. Was I too hasty? Should I have prepared more? But thinking about it now wouldn’t change anything. As I continued climbing, I soon saw the end in sight. Although there were trees on this island, they weren’t too numerous. The mountain wasn’t much of a mountain; it was just a slightly elevated hill. When I reached the top of the hill, I felt a sense of relief.The sun had risen, and the sky was a brilliant blue. White clouds floated lazily across the bright blue sky, while dark storm clouds gathered on the horizon. It felt like my heart. I was drawn like a trance toward the cliff. As I looked at the sky and the vast sea, I slowly moved my steps when I heard a familiar voice from behind.“Sunbae.”He called me with a voice mixed with a sigh. I turned slightly to see Jung Woojin, disheveled and looking at me. With his tousled hair, pale face, and white feet like mine, covered in wounds from not wearing shoes. Jung Woojin’s gaze shifted from me to my hand holding the knife.“Don’t touch the knife. It’s dangerous.”“……”Jung Woojin took a step toward me with each word. The distance between us was closing. I stared blankly at the knife I was holding.Should I just stab him? Even if I go back, I might be raped and confined to die. If that’s the case, wouldn’t it be better to just stab Jung Woojin here and take the boat out when it arrives? Even if I become a murderer, there’s context to it, so I might not face the death penalty. Of course, the red mark of that person will forever remain on my life, but living here while being raped would be worse than becoming a murderer.I lifted my head, which I had been bowing down. Jung Woojin no longer moved, just standing at a distance and looking at me. I looked at Jung Woojin blankly and then back at the knife. Then, I turned my gaze back to the edge of the cliff with the waves crashing below.“Sunbae.”Anxiety began to seep into his previously expressionless face. Seeing his changing expression, I realized this was the answer.“Sunbae…”“Don’t come closer.”As I took a step back toward the cliff, Jung Woojin not only stopped moving but took two steps away from me. He raised both hands and spoke urgently.“What are you doing?”“Why are you doing this to me?”At my persistent question, Jung Woojin’s face contorted in frustration. He looked extremely tired.“You said you loved me.”“Because you love me?”“Yes.”“So you’re saying these fucking crimes you’re committing are just because you love me?”Jung Woojin fell silent at my words. He fidgeted with his lips several times before speaking again.“I won’t say anything more. I won’t touch you if you say you hate me now, so just come over here for now.”“Answer me.”“Sunbae, let’s go home first…”“Answer me!”At my shout, Jung Woojin’s expression twisted again. He seemed to be trying to appear calm, but anxiety and nervousness were clearly visible on his face.“Let’s assume you love me. What about me?”“……”“So what about me? Why do I have to sacrifice myself for your love? Why should I dance to your tune? Why do I have to hear those damn, disgusting words of love from you every day? If you love me, then love me. What’s it to anyone else? Why the fuck are you forcing your love on me?”At my desperate shout, Jung Woojin looked straight at me and said,“Come here first.”It seemed like he wasn’t listening to a word I was saying. With a despondent smile, I threw the knife I was holding. He didn’t even look at the knife flying toward him or try to avoid it. He just continued to watch me. The knife fell at his feet, but he didn’t glance at it. Jung Woojin spoke again.“Sunbae, please.”Jung Woojin extended his hand. His pale fingertips were trembling. I lifted my head to look at the bright blue sky. Dark storm clouds had moved in closer, though I wasn’t sure when. I stared at the sky for a while, then let my gaze drift down to Jung Woojin. His expression was strange yet resolute. Was I doomed to never escape this place? Was I going to have to listen to Jung Woojin’s daily declarations of love forever? Constantly being raped, constantly trying to escape, forever like this?“Sunbae.”Jung Woojin called me again. I took a step back.“Sunbae.”His eyes began to redden. It looked like he might start crying blood. As I took another step back, Jung Woojin gritted his teeth and said,“If you get caught, I’ll really break your legs.”Jung Woojin’s eyes were red and he growled like a beast.“I’ve been leaving you alone without tying you up because I thought you’d hate it. But why are you doing this? If Sunbae keeps doing this, there’s no reason for me to keep holding back. If you really don’t want your legs broken, then stop moving, damn it!”When I took another step back, Jung Woojin screamed as if he had gone mad. His previously gentle, persuasive tone had vanished. Now, he started spouting threats indiscriminately.“Damn it, do you really want your ankles broken? Move, damn it, just take one more step and I’ll really chew up everything below your knees!”Jung Woojin was trembling in fear.“I’m trying. I’m making an effort, so why do you keep doing this? I’m making an effort because you keep saying you hate me!”“Damn it, I’ll really kill you. I’ll cut off all your limbs and make it so you can’t even drink a drop of water without me. Do you think I can’t do it?”“Sunbae, please don’t. It’s all a lie. I could never do that. I’m sorry, please come over here.”“I won’t say anything. I won’t touch you anymore, so please come over here, just for now!”Jung Woojin was behaving like a madman. He shifted from trying to calm me down to cursing, and then to pretending to be gentle, as if he had multiple personalities.“Alright, alright. I’ll stay at home, so come over when you calm down. I won’t touch you, I swear. I’ll really go down now.”Jung Woojin seemed to change his approach and truly turned his back. Watching Jung Woojin taking steps away from me while keeping his eyes fixed on me, I could only laugh. What a sight. It felt like watching a play.“Jung Woojin.”At my call, his facade of calmness crumbled like a sandcastle. Seeing his face filling with tears, I asked,“Do you really like me that much?”His eyes, filled with tears, widened until they couldn’t get any bigger. For some reason, I kept laughing. I just didn’t understand how my life had come to this.“But I hate you.”“……”“My dislike for you is much greater than your love for me. You don’t get it, do you? That’s why I find your constant declarations of love so damn tiresome and disgusting. It’s creepy. It’s so awful that it makes it hard to breathe.”Jung Woojin stood there, pale-faced, barely breathing.“Did you think I’d start loving you just because I’m stuck here with you? Don’t be ridiculous. Who would love someone who has imprisoned and raped them?”I took a deep breath and tried to calm my anger.“Please don’t show up in front of me. I’m going to get out of here. So don’t appear in front of me even if I do get out. Not ever again. Got it?”Even after I finished speaking, he didn’t say a word. He remained frozen, like a statue. Soon, the tears that seemed to have stopped began to fall again.“……”“……”Jung Woojin bowed his head deeply, as if he was thinking about something. I added,“If you don’t want to see me die falling from here, you’d better say you understand.”I cursed inwardly at Jung Woojin, who was unexpectedly immobile. If it were him, I thought he would come to catch me whether I fell or not. He would probably drag me back by my hair and rape me at home, just like when I fell into the sea. But Jung Woojin really didn’t move at all. It was both strange and fascinating.If he hated seeing me die so much, why didn’t he tie me up? Why did he leave the kitchen knife lying around like that? Why was he so careless? If he had taken measures to prevent me from opening the door, things wouldn’t have come to this. As I thought about it, Jung Woojin’s earlier words came to mind.He hadn’t tied me up or locked the door because he was worried I might hate it. He let me roam freely, thinking I might hate being tied up? I couldn’t help but laugh. Was that what he called effort? Was that what Jung Woojin meant by making an effort? Enduring the anxiety that I might escape and letting me act as I pleased?