Lost

It might not be an adult video… If it’s just a regular movie, I might as well watch it since I’m bored.

I put the tape in, grabbed the remote, and sat down on the sofa. The overly sweet milk had cooled down to a lukewarm temperature. Soon, the screen turned blue. I lowered the volume as much as possible, just in case it was an adult video, when suddenly, without any warning, the screen changed.

“…..”

Damn, it was an adult video after all. The screen was focused on some strange angle, so it was hard to see what was going on, but the panting sounds were unmistakable. Moreover, it seemed like the video had been paused halfway through. I didn’t expect Jung Woojin to have such an analog side, watching adult videos on tape. What a curious guy. I was planning to watch it if it turned out to be a regular movie. Clicking my tongue in disappointment, I was about to turn off the screen when the phone I had left in the kitchen started ringing. Even though I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I was so startled that I nearly dropped the mug I was holding.

Panicking, I quickly put the mug on the floor and rushed to the kitchen to answer the phone.

“Hello?”

“Huh?”

Jung Woojin called out to me in a puzzled voice, probably because it was strange that I was panting. The adult video was still playing on the TV in the living room. Nervous that Jung Woojin might hear the sounds, I tiptoed back into the living room with a tense expression. Covering half of the phone with my hand, I reached for the remote when Jung Woojin spoke again.

“Oh. Uh, okay.”

“Huh? Oh, nothing…”

I was trying to turn off the screen with the remote when the weirdly angled shot on the screen suddenly spun around. Then, it zoomed in on something large.

“…..”

Filling the screen were Jung Woojin and another man.

Jung Woojin adjusted the camera and approached the panting man. He flipped the man over, who was twisting in agony, and slowly licked up the wet buttocks.

My scattered thoughts snapped back to reality at the sound coming through the phone. Jung Woojin was firmly holding down the squirming man, preventing him from escaping, and buried his face in the man’s buttocks. The man screamed like he was being tortured, thrashing around like a fish out of water. His eyes rolled back, his mouth hung open, drooling messily as he cried out and writhed like a prostitute.

“…..”

No matter how much I looked at it, the man crying beneath him looked like me. Was that really me? And the other man, was it really Jung Woojin? Staring blankly at the screen, my nose started to sting. It felt like something heavy was pressing down on my chest. I pressed the button on the remote to turn off the screen and opened my mouth.

“You’re coming at 2 o’clock?”

Jung Woojin asked worriedly, noticing the crack in my voice. His voice was gentle.

“I warmed up some milk, but I added too much honey. It’s too sweet to drink, but it feels like a waste to throw it away…”

I rambled nonsense, staring at the now-black TV screen without blinking. My stiff face was reflected on the darkened screen. I heard Jung Woojin sigh as he quietly listened to my words.

“Okay, see you later.”

“…..”

The call ended. The words “I love you” stabbed sharply at my heart like a knife. I stared blankly at the phone, pretending not to be hurt, then pressed the button on the remote to turn the TV back on.

I watched up to that point before turning the TV off again. No matter how many times I checked, it was definitely me and Jung Woojin. It was too much to say that it was just someone who looked like us. Besides, I was calling him Woojin, and he was calling me Sunbae. It couldn’t possibly be someone else. My mind was so muddled that I kept having absurd thoughts. Even though it was clear that the people on the TV were Jung Woojin and me, I kept thinking it might not be. Even though that was impossible.

“Ah.”

I turned the TV back on to check something.

I saw the menacing penis pulling out from between the buttocks. I looked at my own pale, trembling face and then at Jung Woojin, who looked cold enough to tear me apart. I turned off the TV again. I couldn’t bear to watch anymore. I didn’t have the courage to find out what Jung Woojin was going to do to me.

“That’s definitely rape, no matter how you look at it.”

I recalled all the times Jung Woojin had said he loved me, that he liked me. Those weren’t lies. I could tell by the way he looked at me, the way he called my name, the way he touched me. It wasn’t a lie.

He looked at me like he was going to die from loving me so much.

“…..”

He said he loved me.

Suddenly, I felt dizzy, and my vision started to spin. The remote I was holding slipped from my hand and hit the floor with a loud noise. The sound brought me back to my senses, and I shook my head.

I wasn’t sure. Was I shocked because Jung Woojin raped me, because he lied to me, or because even after seeing all that, I still didn’t hate him?

After staring at the remote on the floor for a while, I grabbed my phone and rushed outside. I decided I needed to go back to the studio apartment I had visited with Jung Woojin a few days ago. If I went back there, maybe something would come back to me. It felt like everything would be resolved if I could just find the memories I had lost—what kind of relationship I had with Jung Woojin, why he raped me, and why he recorded it on video.

I shoved my feet into my sneakers and started walking aimlessly, not even sure where the studio apartment was. My phone rang. It was Jung Woojin.

“Hello.”

“…..”

I took the phone away from my ear and stared at the screen. Then I looked around. It was a residential area, but there were no people around. It had always been like this. There were strangely few people in this neighborhood. Even when I did see someone, they were in a car rather than walking. I could still hear Jung Woojin calling me from the phone. I put the phone back to my ear and spoke.

“How did you know I was outside?”

The word “GPS” suddenly flashed through my mind. I don’t know why. It just popped up.

“…….”

No way. I chuckled and was about to speak, but before I could say anything, Jung Woojin spoke first.

“…….”

“Do you know where I am?”

How? I heard some noise on the other end of the phone, the sound of someone calling out to Jung Woojin sharply, something falling and breaking, and Jung Woojin panting.

“Nothing’s wrong. But how do you know where I am?”

I turned off the phone before he could finish his sentence. As the screen turned off and the logo appeared, I put the phone in my pocket. Then, I took a few steps, but quickly pulled the phone out of my pocket again. I carefully placed it on a nearby high wall so it wouldn’t fall. After staring blankly at the phone, I started walking again.

I tried to recall my surroundings. From here, if I go forward a little, there’s a road. From there, I can catch a taxi…

Before I knew it, I was running. Gasping for breath, I reached the road. As I bent over, trying to catch my breath, I saw an empty taxi in the distance. I waved my hand, and the taxi stopped right in front of me. After quickly glancing back to see if Jung Woojin was around, I opened the taxi door and said,

“Please take me to Saemaeul Studio Apartments.”

I slammed the taxi door shut, recalling the faintly written name on the worn-out exterior.

＊ ＊ ＊

The taxi stopped in front of Saemaeul Studio Apartments. I remembered this area. As I was about to get out, the taxi driver turned and called out to me.

“Are you going to pay?”

I looked at the taxi driver, then lowered my gaze to the meter. 15,200 won.

“……Don’t you have any money?”

“…….”

This is bad. I hesitated for a moment, then glanced at the watch and ring that Jung Woojin had given me. Should I take off the ring and give it to him? The thought crossed my mind, but at the same time, I remembered Jung Woojin’s smiling face when he gave it to me. I bit my lip and clenched my fist.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t have any money right now.”

“You don’t have any money?”

“I’m really sorry. If you let me go upstairs, I’ll get it quickly…”

“Where do you live? And why did you take a taxi if you didn’t have any money…?”

The taxi driver grumbled in annoyance, saying he was having a bad day. In truth, even if I went upstairs, I wasn’t sure if I’d find any money. Probably not. I didn’t even have the keys… Suddenly, my head felt foggy. I felt short of breath and started to sweat. My stomach churned, and I bent over, but then someone knocked on the window. Startled, I looked up.

It was a familiar face beyond the window.

“What are you doing in this neighborhood?”

“…Gapdol…”

Gapdol abruptly opened the taxi door, his tone sharp at the sound of my weak voice.

“Hey, I’ve told you how many times not to call me Gapdol, you bastard!”

“Hey, kid. Are you two friends?”

“Huh?”

“If you’re friends, can you pay for him? He says he doesn’t have any money.”

“What? Hey, why the hell did you take a taxi if you didn’t have any money, you idiot?”

Gapdol cursed and rummaged through his pockets. I watched as he paid the driver, then slowly stepped out of the taxi. I stood still, watching the taxi drive away in the distance, when Gapdol suddenly smacked the back of my head. I heard a loud thud and nearly fell forward, barely keeping my balance.

“You bastard… Why haven’t you been answering your phone, you piece of shit? And why did you take a leave of absence?”

“…Hey, Kim Gapdol.”

“For fuck’s sake, stop calling me Gapdol!”

“You might not believe me, but I have amnesia, and I don’t remember who you are. So stop swearing at me, you son of a bitch.”

“…….”

Gripping his pounding head and grinding his teeth, Gapdol’s eyes widened in surprise. Then, furrowing his smooth forehead, he asked again.

“Amnesia?”

“Yeah.”

I remembered that Jung Woojin told me I was supposed to avoid mentioning I had amnesia. But Gapdol didn’t seem like a bad person, just a bit loud. After all, he even paid for the taxi, and he seemed to know me well, so I decided to tell him the truth. Still, Gapdol’s eyes remained full of suspicion.

“Did you have a drink in the middle of the day?”

“I can’t remember well… Do you happen to know what floor my apartment is on?”

“What?”

I recalled that it was in Saemaeul Studio Apartments, but I couldn’t remember the exact floor. Gapdol’s expression grew even more twisted as he looked at me. After staring at me with a grim face, he turned to look at Saemaeul Studio Apartments, then back at me.

“Here?”

“Yeah. Oh, but yesterday… I heard my place was sold, and someone else is moving in tomorrow…”

“What nonsense are you spouting, you crazy idiot?”

Gapdol scratched his head with his large hand, his expression now completely serious, unlike before when he still had a hint of playfulness.

“Why would your studio be sold yesterday? Someone else has been living there for over a month.”

“What?”

“I told you when we met at school. I went looking for my laptop that you took, but there was someone else living there.”

“……”

“And why are you looking for your place here?”

I had no idea what Gapdol was talking about. I blinked at him, utterly confused, while he pointed at the peeling exterior of the run-down studio apartment.

“This is Saemaeul Studio Apartments.”

“……”

“Your place is in Magnolia Ville.”

“What are you talking about?”

“This is our neighborhood, you idiot. The place where someone else has been living for over a month is Magnolia Ville, unit 301, near the school.”

My ears started to ring, and my neck felt cold as if someone had a knife pressed against it. Noticing my unsettling expression, Gapdol reached out to me in a panic, tapping my shoulder as he asked.

“Hey, are you okay? If you really have amnesia or whatever, you shouldn’t just be standing around here, you should be in a hospital…”

Just then, with a sharp screech, a familiar black car stopped in front of me. Inside, through the window, I saw Jung Woojin, his face pale and ashen.

“What the hell?”

Gapdol frowned and cursed as he stared at the car in front of us. I was thinking the same thing. What the hell is going on?

“I left my phone by the wall.”

How did he know I was here? The door clicked open, and Jung Woojin stepped out of the car.

Watching Jung Woojin close the car door with his trembling hand, my dizzy head began to calm down. His face, pale and ghostly just moments before, turned cold as a killer’s the moment he saw Gapdol. An alarm bell rang in my mind. With a sudden sense of foreboding, I reached out my hand before Jung Woojin could say anything.

“Give me your phone.”

“……”

“Hurry.”

I’d left my phone by the wall, so I didn’t have it with me. With trembling hands, Jung Woojin handed me his phone. I offered the phone to Gapdol, who was watching us in confusion.

“Put your number in. I’ll contact you later.”

“Sunbae.”

“Shut your mouth, you bastard.”

My harsh words made Jung Woojin flinch. His hand, reaching out for me, froze in mid-air before falling limply to his side.

“……Hey, what the hell is going on?”

Gapdol looked from me to Jung Woojin, uncertain, before taking the phone and entering his number. I dialed his number. Soon, a ringtone came from Gapdol’s pocket. I ended the call and turned to Jung Woojin.

“Let’s go.”

“Kang Seoju!”

Gapdol called my name, and Jung Woojin, who had been hanging his head like a criminal, lifted his gaze with a menacing look. I grabbed Jung Woojin before he could glare daggers at Gapdol.

“I’ll contact you later.”

“Wait a second, damn it. What the hell is going on with you…?”