Lost

Before Gapdol could finish speaking, I got into the car with Jung Woojin and sat next to him. The engine started soon after. I could see Gapdol looking flustered through the window. The car smoothly pulled away. Until we reached a stop at the signal, neither of us said a word. It was Jung Woojin who spoke first.

“I told you to carry your phone with you.”

Jung Woojin handed me a phone. It was mine, the one I had thrown against the wall. I dumbly stared at it before taking it. As I saved Gapdol’s number in my phone, I asked,

“How did you know I was here?”

I had even discarded my phone, so how did he know? While frowning and staring at Jung Woojin’s profile as he remained silent, it dawned on me: the ring and watch he had given me along with the phone. I lowered my gaze and stared at the identical ring and watch on Jung Woojin. When I removed the ring from my finger, Jung Woojin finally turned his head and looked at me. I took off both the ring and the watch. Jung Woojin stared at me blankly, his expression unreadable. I opened the window and threw both the ring and the watch outside.

When the light turned green, Jung Woojin started driving again, showing no sign of hesitation.

“Are you mad?”

That’s what he says now? Asking if I’m mad? I was utterly dumbfounded. When I threw away the ring and the watch, Jung Woojin hadn’t even blinked. He started driving without the slightest surprise. As expected, it was clear he had done something to those items.

“I’ll get you a new phone.”

I turned my head in irritation, and Jung Woojin spoke in a faint, almost vanishing voice. When I looked back, he was staring ahead again as he spoke.

“I’m sorry. I’ll get you a new one. If you don’t trust me, you can pick it out yourself.”

“So you did do something to the phone.”

“I’m sorry.”

“And the ring and watch… hey.”

I let out a dry laugh as I asked, and just a moment ago, calm, Jung Woojin began trembling again. His face remained expressionless, but his hands were shaking. One hand gripped the steering wheel while the other pressed down on it to stop the trembling, but it didn’t help.

“Just in case something bad happened… that’s why I did it. There’s no other reason. I was going to tell you. I swear. I was going to bring it up during dinner tonight…”

“Hey.”

“I’m not lying. I’m sorry. I…”

I watched his trembling hands when I noticed him biting his lips so hard they looked like they might bleed. Jung Woojin probably thought I was furious about the phone, the watch, and the ring. Sure, I was mad about that, but that wasn’t what I really wanted to ask. Like Jung Woojin said, fine, maybe something bad could happen, and I understand why he did it. I had amnesia, after all, and that must’ve made him anxious. GPS? Sure, whatever. Considering how excessively worried Jung Woojin is every day, it wasn’t that surprising.

The real issue was the video.

“I’m sorry.”

We stopped at another signal. Jung Woojin still wouldn’t look at me, his face pale and trembling as if he was about to cry, but he didn’t. It was strange. Normally, whenever something happened, Jung Woojin would cry first, but now he wasn’t. He just kept biting his lips, like a criminal waiting for a verdict. I quietly watched him for a moment and then asked,

“Do I seem mad to you?”

At my words, Jung Woojin finally turned to look at me. But the light changed again, and a car behind us honked.

“Pull over for a second.”

At my request, Jung Woojin turned the wheel. There wasn’t a suitable place to stop, so we drove for about another minute before pulling over onto the shoulder. Jung Woojin turned his gaze to me.

“I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.”

“…”

“You can be mad at me… Sunbae, you can even curse at me, just don’t leave the house.”

Tears welled up in his dark eyes. A drop dangled precariously, as if it would fall any second, but didn’t.

“I won’t do it again. I really won’t. Even if I do, I’ll tell you. I’ll ask for your permission. If you say no, I won’t do it. Just don’t leave the house.”

His trembling got worse, and his lips started bleeding. Gripping the cold phone in my hand, I turned my head away. As soon as I looked away, Jung Woojin’s breathing quickened. He was fidgeting, unable to keep still, like someone who had no idea what to do.

“You can hate me, but just don’t leave the house…”

“…”

“No, I don’t want you to hate me… I mean, I don’t want that… Sunbae, I’m sorry. Just don’t leave. Don’t hate me. I was wrong.”

Jung Woojin buried his face in the steering wheel, his body trembling. His black hair shook with him. I stared at the back of his head, my mouth opening and closing, but no words came out.

I needed to ask about the video. I should ask him about that, but the words wouldn’t come out. The video, which was clearly a recording of a sexual assault, was on a completely different level from anything he might have done with the phone, watch, or ring. Even if I brought it up, would Jung Woojin tremble like this and beg for forgiveness?

I recalled the image of Jung Woojin from the video. He called my name with the same gentle face and kind voice as he does now, but his hands showed no mercy. He treated me like a prostitute from a porn video, continuing his actions until I begged him to spare me. It was on a completely different level from what we had done recently.

It was, without a doubt, rape. Even when I cried and pleaded, saying no, he fed me some unknown drug and applied something to my body. Even when I scratched myself until I bled, the itching and burning wouldn’t stop, and only when I was on the verge of passing out did he finally soothe me. He touched me with his hands, sucked, and licked, constantly calling my name.

My chest swelled like a woman’s, and even the slightest breeze made saliva drip from my mouth…

“…”

I suddenly snapped out of it. My mind went blank for a moment. This wasn’t the content of the video I had just seen. My head felt dizzy, and I was nauseous. My chest and throat felt blocked, making it hard to breathe. I was confused by the unfamiliar memory swirling in my mind when a faint, almost breaking voice reached my ears.

“Don’t abandon me…”

I turned my head to see Jung Woojin, trembling with his head down on the steering wheel. That pitiful voice quieted the chaos in my mind all at once.

“…”

Whenever he looked at me, Jung Woojin smiled. Even when I made meaningless sounds, he smiled, and his eyes would curve into a smile at every little gesture I made. He would smile in confusion, smile when he cried if I reached out to him, and even when I got angry, he’d panic and cower the moment I frowned. If I said I didn’t like a joke, his shoulders would tremble as he desperately checked on me.

In a way, Woojin seemed more like a pet. He lacked a sense of reality. He wasn’t a dog or a cat but a person just like me. He wasn’t family, nor were we blood-related, so how could he focus so completely on me, as if he didn’t belong to this world? Like a dream, Jung Woojin felt that unreal.

That’s how much he liked me.

But why? Why did he do this? Why me?

Even after we arrived home, we didn’t get out of the car for a long time. Neither of us said anything; we just stared straight ahead. In the suffocating silence, I occasionally heard the sound of Woojin swallowing. When I turned to look, he looked like a death row inmate awaiting his sentence. I absentmindedly ran my finger across the phone screen before I opened the car door. Woojin grabbed my wrist urgently.

“Sunbae.”

His face was contorted as if he was about to cry. The face that was always beautiful, whether he was smiling, crying, or even angry, was now twisted like a monster’s. For some reason, tears welled up in my eyes.

“You don’t need to change the phone.”

I was scared of remembering. I was afraid of asking. I felt like if I found out everything, our relationship wouldn’t last.

“Like you said, you never know what might happen. The world’s a dangerous place. Just look at the news — there are crazy people everywhere.”

The grip that had felt strong enough to break my bones gradually loosened. Jung Woojin, who had been struggling to hold back his tears while pretending to be rational, finally gave up and started crying openly.

“You won’t leave?”

“I’ve got nowhere to go.”

“Do you hate me? Do I disgust you?”

Hate him? Disgusting? What was he talking about? I was speechless. When had I ever said anything like that? His face, which had looked monstrous moments ago, now looked a bit more bearable. It was definitely more contorted than before, and tears were streaming down his face, but at least now he looked better.

“Let go. I’m going inside.”

I got out of the car, and the sunlight hit my eyes. I squinted against it, and Jung Woojin, who had also gotten out of the car, reached out for me. The scene felt like a slow-motion video. He pulled me into his arms, burying his face in my neck. His tears fell in endless drops onto my skin.

“I’m sorry.”

He cried like a child, with broken speech. He sobbed loudly enough for anyone passing by to hear, but I couldn’t stop him. I didn’t move a muscle, internally cursing him, and only then did I realize tears were streaming down my own cheeks, too. I was crying along with Woojin.

I don’t know. I still don’t know what’s what, but for now, I have nowhere to go. I have no place, no one I know, no money, and no home. If it weren’t for Jung Woojin, I’d be out on the streets. I wouldn’t be able to eat, and I’d have to sleep under newspapers. Winter’s coming soon, too.

I forced myself to come up with as many reasons as possible, and when that wasn’t enough, I wracked my brain to create more. I had to. Without doing so, I wouldn’t be able to repair whatever was broken inside me.

“Don’t do it again.”

I lifted my arms and hugged Jung Woojin. He cried even harder.

I’ll put the video back where it was without him knowing.

＊＊＊

, the door locked. I was about to take off my shoes when I felt something pulling from behind. I turned my head to see Jung Woojin standing there, slightly lowering his head and staring at the floor.

“…”

He looked exactly like a kid who had just begged his mom for a toy, got beaten for it, and came home crying while holding his mom’s hand.

Jung Woojin was crying, tears dripping down his face as he held onto my collar, showing no sign of moving from that spot. I stared blankly at him for a moment before turning my head toward the television. The video was still inside. If I turned on the power, it might play right away. Without taking off my shoes, I turned my body toward Jung Woojin and asked,

“What about work?”

Jung Woojin raised his head at my question. The tear hanging from his eyelid finally fell and rolled down his cheek.

“What about work? You just left?”

“…”

“Is your job some kind of hobby? You do it when you feel like it and skip it when you don’t?”

I was about to tell him to go back and finish his work, but Woojin spoke first.

“What did you talk about with Kim Gapjin?”

“What?”

It didn’t seem like he was listening to anything I said. The tears that had been dripping suddenly started pouring out. I asked with a puzzled expression.

“Gapdol?”

“Don’t say that bastard’s name.”

“What?”

“What did you talk about? How long were you with him?”

The grip on my collar tightened. Every time he shook me, my body swayed with him. The mention of Gapdol made me recall the one-room apartment I had forgotten. I clenched my teeth and asked,

“What happened with the apartment?”

“…”

“He said it’s not the apartment I’m living in.”

“That bastard said that?”

“Why? Is Gapdol lying?”

“Don’t say his name.”

Is this guy crazy? Just moments ago, Jung Woojin had been on the verge of tears, but now he glared at me with annoyance. I shook off his hand gripping my collar and said,

“So, what about the apartment… Are you playing games with me?”

The moment I shook off his hand, he grabbed my collar again. When I asked in disbelief, his aggressive glare softened.

“What did you talk about with that bastard?”

“We talked about the apartment. Why?”

“And then? How long were you with him? Why did you ask for his phone number? Are you planning to meet him again?”

Just moments ago, Woojin was pleading for me not to leave him, apologizing over and over, but now he was rattling off questions rapidly. His eyes were still full of tears, but he was a completely different person than before.

“I was with him briefly before you came. I didn’t have money for a taxi, so Gapdol covered it for me. I asked for his phone number to get more information about the apartment, just in case you wouldn’t tell me the truth like now. If you tell me everything honestly, I won’t need to meet Gapdol.”

I calmly repeated as I shook off his hand once again. The more I spoke, the colder and eerier his dark eyes became, like a ghost. I didn’t know how to take this. Was Woojin really more concerned about what I talked about with Gapdol than the fact that he lied to me? I was speechless.

“Tell me what happened with the apartment.”

“I’ll kill that bastard.”

Woojin gritted his teeth as he spoke. I couldn’t help but laugh bitterly.

“I want to kill you too.”

At my words, Woojin’s face crumpled. His emotions and expressions shifted so wildly within minutes, and my own emotions began to mirror his changes. I had felt sorry for him earlier, but now I really wanted to punch him.

“I’ll hold back from killing you, so you hold back too.”

“…”

“Go back to work and finish what you need to do. We can talk again when you’re done.”

“You’re telling me to leave you alone here and go back to work?”

I was about to take off my shoes when Woojin grabbed my arm. The grip was so strong it felt like my back might bend under the pressure.

“Why? So you can go somewhere else after sending me to work? Who are you going to meet?”

“Let go.”

“Who are you planning to go see?”

At this rate, it felt like my arm might actually break. With my free hand, I swung at Woojin’s head with all my might. There was a loud smack, and Woojin stumbled back. In the moment he loosened his grip, I pulled my arm free. While I was rubbing my sore arm, Woojin raised his hand to his head, looking dazed from the hit.

“You’re going to scream at me, huh?”

“…”

I was about to ask if he had a death wish, but his phone rang. It was Woojin’s phone. I stood there listening to the loud ringtone, sighed, and tried to calm my boiling anger.

“I can guess what’s going on. Just pick up the phone and say you’ll be there soon. Go finish your work and come back.”

Woojin slowly lowered his hand from his head. He looked at me with a fierce glare and spoke.

“Then I’ll tie you up before I go.”

“What?”

“If you promise to stay tied up, I’ll finish the work and come back.”

At first, I thought Woojin was joking. But the look in his eyes showed he was serious.

“Are you really trying to pick a fight with me?”

“How can I trust you and leave you here alone again?”

“Then don’t go, you bastard!”

I yelled and took off my shoes. Screw the video. Screw everything. There’s no way Woojin will watch TV in this situation anyway. I’ll just deal with it later tonight… I thought as I stormed across the living room toward the bedroom, but Woojin grabbed me again. He spun me around, dropped to his knees, and wrapped his arms around my waist, clinging to me. It happened so fast.

“Sunbae, please don’t be mad. I was wrong.”

Jung Woojin began rubbing his cheek and forehead against my stomach, crying again. His emotional swings were so extreme that I was starting to wonder if he was mentally unstable.

“I was wrong. Please don’t hate me.”

I looked down at him quietly as he sobbed uncontrollably. The crying showed no signs of stopping, and my ears were starting to ring from listening to it for so long. I couldn’t help but feel a mix of pity and discomfort. Woojin seemed both pitiful and disturbingly unsettling.

Suddenly, exhaustion washed over me. I closed my eyes tightly, then opened them, feeling a bit dizzy. I barely managed to steady myself when Woojin lifted his tear-streaked face to look at me.

“Jung Woojin.”

At the sound of my voice, his red lips quivered. He’d cried so much that when he tried to speak, an unintelligible sound came out.

“Go finish your work. On your way back, figure out how you’re going to explain the apartment, and what our relationship really was before I lost my memory. If you come back and all you do is cry again, I won’t be able to stay here any longer.”

Honestly, I was scared of what he might say. I was afraid of how our relationship might change after hearing the truth. But I had to know why he had done what he did with the apartment, even if it might somehow be connected to that video. I couldn’t guarantee it wasn’t.

I didn’t really have anywhere else to go, and I wasn’t planning to leave, but thankfully, my threat seemed to work. I felt a bit guilty for using his anxiety and desperation against him like this, but I had no other choice. Without pushing him like this, I didn’t think Woojin would ever tell me the truth.

“Calm yourself down while you’re out. Got it?”

Woojin rubbed his forehead against my stomach one last time before standing up. I hadn’t noticed earlier, but he had stepped inside with his shoes on. I clicked my tongue in disapproval, but before I could say anything, Woojin spoke.

“You won’t leave, right?”

“I said I won’t.”

“What if you disappear again? What do I do then?”

Was this guy incapable of trusting anyone? I felt annoyed, but I didn’t let it show. I didn’t want to make him more anxious than he already was, so I just sighed.

“What do you want me to do?”

“Come with me overseas.”

“What?”

“To a place where there are no people…where no one else is…”

“Alright, just go quickly.”

I waved him off, urging him to leave, but Woojin’s face twisted again, like he was desperately holding back more tears. Despite everything I had said, he still didn’t seem to be moving. Frustrated, I turned on my phone and called him. His phone rang, and he slowly lowered his eyes, looking at me weakly.

“Then keep talking to me on the phone while I go.”

“…Is my work really that important to you, Sunbae?”

I froze at his weary, raspy voice. On second thought, it was no wonder Woojin found this strange. In this situation, all I had been doing was nagging about his work. But I couldn’t help it. I needed to return the video to its place before he found out. I frowned as I stared at him.

“I can’t stand people who are irresponsible.”

“…”

I didn’t even know what kind of nonsense I was spouting.

“And every time I say anything, all you do is cry. So calm down while you’re out.”

“…”

“Do you really think you can explain the whole thing about the apartment and what happened before I lost my memory, logically and clearly, in a way that I can understand right now?”

At my question, Woojin, who had been staring at me silently, lowered his head.

“Okay.”

Thank God. Once Woojin leaves, I’ll put the video back where it belongs… Then, I’ll listen to his explanation. I’ll tell him not to do it again, and then we’ll go back to how things were before…like nothing ever happened…

“I’ll go quit my job.”

“What? Quit? Why?”

I had been nodding and urging him to hurry, but at those words, I froze and lifted my head in surprise. Woojin was still staring at his phone screen before he pressed it to his ear.

“I’ve been thinking about quitting anyway.”

Why? Woojin, noticing my dumbfounded expression, lifted my hand holding the phone and brought it to my ear, making me take the call.

“Because Sunbae only ever talks about work.”

“…”

“Even in a situation like this.”

Jung Woojin seemed to have regained some composure. His hands, which had been trembling uncontrollably, were now still, and though his eyes were still wet, no more tears flowed. His expression, which had been constantly changing earlier, was now back to its usual neutral, emotionless state.

“I’ll go and do what you said, Sunbae, so don’t go anywhere. Stay here.”

“Alright.”

“When I get out, I’m going to split open Kim Gapjin’s head and bring it to you.”

What? Before I could ask, Jung Woojin turned and walked toward the front door. I watched as he left, the door closing behind him with the sound of the lock clicking. From the other end of the phone, Jung Woojin’s voice came through.

“……”

His deep, emotionless voice made it hard to breathe for a moment. I shook my head to clear my mind and moved toward the television, pulling out the video.

“I told you, I’m not.”

“I told you, nothing important.”

As I moved slowly, letting out a sigh, Woojin went silent for a moment. I stifled any noise, trying to move quietly as I opened the door. Passing by numerous bookshelves, I reached the desk. Bending down, I saw the box where the tapes were stored.

“What?”

I placed the video back on top of the other tapes in the box, carefully checking that nothing had changed since earlier.

Just as I straightened up, Woojin suddenly confessed. It didn’t surprise me much; he said “I love you” as casually as he ate meals. Silently, I walked back to the living room and sat on the sofa. Leaning deeply into the backrest, Woojin spoke again.

“No.”

“Because you’re really pissing me off right now.”

I closed my eyes and began to hear faint, indiscernible noises on the other end of the phone.

“You must be there. Hang up.”

“Alright.”

Just as I was about to hang up, Woojin called me urgently. I sighed.

“You love me? Got it. Hanging up now.”

Woojin tried to call out to me again, but I hung up. Silence settled in instantly.

“……”

I stared at the now black phone screen, wondering if I was handling this the right way.

At some point, I must have fallen asleep, only to be startled awake by the sudden ringing of my phone. My heart pounded with surprise. I sighed internally and answered without even checking the caller ID.

“Did you finish everything?”

“I dozed off for a bit. Are you coming back now?”

Would Woojin finally tell me the truth about everything he had been hiding? Even if he did, or if he lied again, I wouldn’t be able to tell what was real. After I lost my memory, he cried, insisting we had no relationship. He took me to a strange house I’d never seen before and said it was mine, smiling like nothing was wrong. Could I ever trust anything Woojin said? There was no guarantee he wouldn’t lie to me again. I couldn’t tell if he was being sincere or lying.

Whenever Woojin smiled or cried in front of me, everything he said felt like the truth.

“Just sitting on the sofa.”

Woojin, who had been silent for a while, suddenly asked in an anxious voice. If I listened carefully, I could hear the sound of him turning the steering wheel, shifting gears, pressing the accelerator, and even the sound of his breathing, his lips parting, and closing again, licking his lips, swallowing nervously as if he was about to call my name…

“What?”

Jung Woojin habitually called out to me, even when he had nothing to say. It was always like that. He’d call my name first, capture my attention, and then think of something to say, usually something utterly trivial.

“……”

“……”

His voice, filled with unrelated questions, was tinged with nervousness. I half-heartedly responded while listening to Woojin ramble on. Soon enough, he said he loved me again. It made me wonder if the meaning of the word “love” that I knew was somehow wrong. Maybe my memory loss had mixed things up. Considering I couldn’t even remember a simple traffic light, it wasn’t impossible. The love I knew seemed very different from the love Woojin spoke of. I wasn’t sure whose version of love was the real one—his or mine.

“I’m listening.”

“Okay. Park the car and come up. I’m hanging up.”

Without waiting for a response, I ended the call. Staring blankly at the ceiling for a while, I suddenly stood up. I had no idea what Woojin was going to say when he arrived. Whatever it was, it would surely be far more dramatic than I anticipated. Judging by how he had been crying, anxious, and uneasy, it was bound to be.

I stretched, took a deep breath, and slapped my cheeks lightly with both hands to focus. Just then, I heard the front door open. Footsteps followed, and Woojin appeared, breathless. Without even taking off his shoes, he rushed in, panting heavily. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw me. He must have driven here, and even if he had run from the car, it wasn’t that far. Yet, Woojin was drenched in sweat as if he had just sprinted 100 meters.

“What happened to you?”

“Ah… sorry. I’m just sweating a lot…”

Woojin, flustered, wiped his sweat with his sleeve, his face pale as he continued to gasp for air. At this rate, he looked like he might suffocate. Clicking my tongue internally, I walked toward the bathroom, and Woojin followed right behind me like a chick chasing its mother hen. I entered the bathroom and tossed him a dry towel. Woojin stared at the towel and then back at me before lowering his head. I didn’t know what he was waiting for. I gave him the towel to dry off, but he just stood there holding it. Sighing again, I took the towel back and began drying his sweaty hair for him.

“What’s the deal with that Saemaeul studio? That wasn’t my place, was it? Then whose place is it?”

Woojin, looking up at me through his damp hair, stared silently. Despite the cold sweat pouring down, his skin felt cold to the touch. As I wiped the nape of his wet neck, Woojin lowered his head again and mumbled.

“Will you be mad if I don’t answer?”

“No, I’ll just leave.”

At that, Woojin lifted his hand and grabbed my wrist. The towel fluttered to the floor.

“What if I tell you everything?”

“What do you mean?”

“If I tell you the truth, then what?”

“What do you mean, what? You’ll get a good beating for lying to me.”

Woojin looked confused.

“And after that?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far.”

“So you’ll just hit me, and that’s it?”

“What, am I supposed to kill you?”

“You won’t hate me?”

I was getting sick of hearing that question. I sighed, ready to shake off his trembling hand, but I didn’t.

“No, I won’t hate you. I might get mad… Actually, I probably will, but I don’t think I’ll hate you. I’m not leaving either.”

“If I tell you everything, will we stay together?”

“Yeah.”

“Promise me that if you get mad, you’ll be mad here, at me, not anywhere else.”

Woojin repeated the same thing over and over. Even though I nodded and promised with a pinky swear, he kept asking again. After about the fifth time, Woojin changed his question.

“Then, what changes if I tell you the truth?”

I couldn’t figure out his intention in asking that. His wavering voice didn’t give me any clues. Woojin didn’t seem to be calculating; he genuinely seemed lost, unsure of what to do. I looked at him as he waited for my answer and finally spoke.

“Either way, you’ve lied to me, right? But if you tell me the truth, I’ll trust you again.”

Woojin fell silent. I resisted the urge to pressure him to speak quickly and instead spoke as gently as I could.