Lost

“Why would he hate it? He gave up on studying abroad once and now he’s looking into exchange programs at school.”

“…How do you know that?”

“Is it so hard for you to break things off with him, Sunbae?”

He always talks like this… I furrowed my brow and looked away. I wasn’t sure when it started, but now I realized that there wasn’t a single expression on Jung Woojin’s face. I felt like I could die from being stabbed by the fork on the table.

“Do you hate it?” Jung Woojin asked again. But as I thought about it, if things were really as he said, then there wasn’t anything bad about it for Gapdol. Actually… wouldn’t this be good for him?

“…Is it all being paid for?”

“I think the company is covering everything on that end.”

“…”

“Do you hate it?”

…No, damn it. Now that I think about it again, isn’t Kim Gapjin basically hitting the jackpot? This isn’t some lottery, but the company is paying for an employee’s kid to study abroad? I looked at Jung Woojin in disbelief and asked again.

“When is he going?”

“Probably after this semester ends.”

“…”

“So, like I said, I start working early next year. Do you want to go on a trip before then?”

As if sending Gapdol abroad wasn’t enough, Jung Woojin seemed to be planning to take me out of the country until Gapdol left Korea. It was so absurd I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Wait a second… I’m not really sure about all this, but it’s a good thing for Gapdol, right?”

“Yeah, honestly, I’m so frustrated I feel like I’m going to explode.”

“…”

“If it were up to me, I’d rather sell him off than just send him abroad to study.”

Seeing how coldly Jung Woojin spoke, I couldn’t tell if I should praise him or scold him.

＊＊＊

Even though I wasn’t doing much, time flew by, and it was already fall. I’d have breakfast, laze around on the sofa watching TV, and before I knew it, it would be lunchtime. After lunch, I’d roll around in bed or read some comics, do a bit of housework, and then the day would be over. This repetitive lifestyle should’ve gotten boring, but honestly, it wasn’t so bad.

Since I collapsed outside that one time, Jung Woojin wouldn’t even let me go to the convenience store by myself, so I couldn’t leave the house. I was lounging in the living room again today when I heard the buzz of my phone vibrating. Where did I leave it? I dragged myself up from the sofa and walked to the kitchen, where I spotted my phone on the table.

It was a message from Gapdol, asking how I was feeling.

“Who is it?”

Jung Woojin followed me and frowned as he asked. After replying that I was fine, I turned to him and said, “It’s Gapdol.”

At my words, Jung Woojin’s expression turned even more displeased. Ignoring him, I checked the date on my phone. Since I’d been home for so long, I’d lost track of time. I should probably meet Gapdol at least once for a meal before he goes abroad.

The problem was that Jung Woojin hated me going out, especially alone. If I said I was going out by myself, he’d definitely throw a fit, but asking him to come along would be… a bit much. I looked at him and asked,

“Hey, are you going to tag along when I meet Gapdol?”

“Why would you meet that guy, Sunbae?”

Sure enough, Jung Woojin’s face immediately twisted into a scowl.

“He’s going abroad to study or whatever. I won’t see him for a long time, so I should meet him once before he goes.”

“Didn’t you say you don’t have a passport? Let’s go get one tomorrow.”

I watched him, clearly changing the subject, and tilted my head as I asked,

“Are you planning to take me abroad until Gapdol leaves Korea?”

Jung Woojin sighed at my words and reached out.

“Just let it go this time. I’m already going back to work because of sending that guy abroad.”

“You’re not a kid anymore, working is normal for someone your age.”

“If I work, I can’t be with you all the time. I can’t take you with me either. I really don’t want to do it.”

“Then…”

Before I could finish, Jung Woojin naturally pulled me closer, resting his forehead against my neck. I was about to say, “Then who’s going to support me?” but I stopped, startled. A cold sweat ran down my back. I was already getting used to everything Jung Woojin was doing for me. While rubbing his forehead against me, he suddenly began brushing his lips on the spot. I turned my head and pushed him away as I spoke.

“Anyway, I’ll let it go for today, but next time, I’m really going to the convenience store by myself.”

“Just try.”

“What are you going to do about it? I’ll go out while you’re at work.”

“If you do that, I’ll put a lock on the front door.”

“Then I’ll report you.”

With every word Jung Woojin spoke, I felt his breath on the back of my neck. It tickled, and every time I laughed, he became more persistent. If I didn’t stop him, I had the feeling this playful teasing would turn into something else. I used all my strength to push his face away and said,

“Get off me, I’m going to sleep.”

“Already? Are you tired?”

Even though I tried to push him away, Jung Woojin was holding onto my waist and wouldn’t budge. In the end, I went to the bedroom with him clinging to me. As soon as I lay down on the bed, Jung Woojin naturally lay beside me and wrapped his arms around me. It was a bit stifling, but maybe because I’d gotten used to it, it didn’t feel that uncomfortable anymore.

“Sunbae, where would you like to go?” Jung Woojin asked, resting his chin on the top of my head.

“I told you, I’m not going on any trips.”

“Not even if it’s later?”

“…”

A trip… I’d never really thought about wanting to go anywhere. I was fine with how things were now. When I didn’t answer, Jung Woojin slowly started to move his hand. He loosened his grip on me and began stroking my back. Then he lifted the hem of my shirt and slid his hand underneath. The sensation of his soft palm on my skin made me feel strange.

I let my body relax, closed my eyes, and focused on the feeling of his hand on my back. But then, all of a sudden, his hand withdrew. I opened my eyes to see Jung Woojin slowly sitting up.

“Go to sleep. I’m going to fold the laundry.”

“…Just do it tomorrow.”

Laundry? At this time? I looked at him, confused, but he gave me a sheepish smile.

“If I wait, it’ll get wrinkled. I’ll be right back.”

He kissed my forehead, then turned around. I watched him dumbly as he turned off the light and left the room, closing the door behind him.

“…”

Jung Woojin’s been acting strange lately. Well, it’s not like this is the first time he’s been weird, but something about him felt off. He’d always been clingy and playful, but recently… how should I put it… he’s developed some boundaries.

“…”

It sounds strange to say it, but that’s how it felt. He would stop at certain points before I could even say anything—whether it was touching me or pressing his lips against mine, he had a limit.

Had he grown up? Or maybe because I kept saying no, he was trying to control himself. Whatever the reason, it was a relief… I guess. But was it really? I mean, yeah, it was, but something about it left me unsettled.

My back still felt weird where Jung Woojin had touched it. I reached back and rubbed my waist a few times before pulling the blanket over me and closing my eyes. Anyway, something about him had changed lately.

That was my last thought before I drifted off to sleep. But at some point, I suddenly woke up and found myself staring at the dark ceiling. I instinctively rubbed the back of my neck and took a deep breath. I couldn’t remember what kind of dream I had, but it felt like someone had been choking me. My heart raced, sending a chill down my spine. I frowned and shifted in bed, my hand automatically reaching out beside me, but I didn’t feel anything. I sat up halfway, looking around for Jung Woojin, but he was nowhere to be seen. My heart started pounding even harder as if I was becoming more aware of the situation. I fumbled around, patting the empty bed, and then got up.

It was only 3 a.m., and everything was pitch dark. But there was a sliver of light coming from one spot. As I stepped toward the crack in the door where the light was seeping through, I began hearing faint, unintelligible sounds. When I reached the door, I heard the sound of water rushing. Was he taking a shower this late at night? I was about to grab the doorknob when I stopped. I stared at the door for a moment, then leaned in, pressing my ear against it like a cat.

One second. Two seconds. Three seconds.

I quietly backed away from the door and returned to bed. I slipped under the covers, making as little noise as possible, and focused all my attention on the sound of the water coming from the bathroom.

Was he taking a shower after… or showering while…? Either way, I felt like I shouldn’t let him know I was awake. I tried closing my eyes to sleep again, but I couldn’t. Jung Woojin never understood the basic rule of doing that stuff privately, where no one could see him. There were times when I’d wake up in the middle of the night to find him glued to my back, fully engrossed in his own thing, or he’d wake me up just to nag me into having sex. So, sneaking into the bathroom at this hour and turning on the shower to cover up whatever he was doing didn’t seem like him at all.

I had no idea why I was even analyzing this, but it left me feeling uneasy. Did I talk in my sleep? Did I get irritated and tell him to leave me alone? My mind raced with all sorts of thoughts until the faint sound of the water running finally stopped. It felt like my own heart had stopped, too. I turned over in bed, pressing myself against the wall and squeezing my eyes shut just as I heard the door quietly open and close. I didn’t hear any footsteps, only the soft creak of the bed as it sank under his weight.

The blanket rustled a few times, and then a cold droplet of water landed near my ear. Startled, I tensed up, and a voice, heavy with sleep, murmured close to me.

“Did I wake you?”

Jung Woojin wiped the water off my cheek, looking apologetic, and then kissed the spot. His lips were as cold as ice. Without saying a word, just as he always did, he buried his face in my shoulder and wrapped his arms around my waist, clinging to me like a cicada to an old tree. His damp hair brushed against my neck. I stared blankly at the dark wall before turning to face Jung Woojin.

“Did you take a shower?”

“Yeah. Did I wake you?”

“…”

“It’s only three o’clock. You can sleep more.”

Jung Woojin held me close, gently stroking the back of my head. Then he started patting my back, as if to lull me to sleep.

“Did you take a cold shower?”

“I just washed my face.”

“….”

“…I showered. Why?”

No one had accused him of anything, but Jung Woojin quickly changed his story. I shifted around, trying to get more comfortable.

Now that I think about it, it all started after that incident. He used to want it every day, kissing and touching me constantly—whether we were eating, watching TV, or even while he was showering. He acted like he was possessed by some ghost that couldn’t get enough affection. But recently, he’d been strangely quiet. He didn’t beg for sex anymore, only occasionally planting light kisses on my forehead, lips, or cheeks. Was he feeling guilty? Afraid I might get angry? Or maybe he had finally understood that I’d been held captive and assaulted?

“Sunbae, are you asleep?”

Could it really be that he’d just taken a cold shower to cool off after jerking off? This felt like some bizarre episode of “My Kid Has Changed.” It was so ridiculous, I could hardly believe it.

“Are you asleep?” I asked again.

Jung Woojin immediately responded.

“No.”

“Are you going to sleep?”

Sensing something off, Jung Woojin pulled away slightly and looked at me with a puzzled expression.

“Can’t you sleep?”

When I nodded a couple of times, his eyes narrowed ever so slightly, though it was hard to notice if you weren’t paying close attention. For some reason, I suddenly felt tense. I tried to stay calm and act like nothing was wrong, but the way his clear eyes seemed to observe me, shining like a dark night sky, left me breathless. I swallowed hard, the sound of it echoing in the silence, and Jung Woojin, still watching me, finally spoke.

“Did you hear anything?”

“Hear what?”

Even before I answered, I knew I was going to stutter like an idiot. And of course, I did. As soon as I stumbled over my words, Jung Woojin’s eyes widened. Staring at me with a surprised expression, he asked out of nowhere,

“Can I kiss you?”

Anyone would think he always asked for permission before doing it. The absurdity of it made me lift my head first. His cold lips met mine, and the icy chill melted away like butter in a hot pan, absorbed by the warmth of my skin.

I instinctively reached out to wrap my arms around his neck, but just as suddenly, he pulled away. Even in the dark, I could see how flustered he was, his face flushed. It was hard to believe this was the same guy who usually clung to me, whispering dirty jokes. The whole situation was so ridiculous that I reached out for him again, but before I could, Jung Woojin hurriedly got off the bed and turned his back to me.

“J-Just a second, I need to… go to the bathroom…”

I froze, watching him stammer as he disappeared. Soon, I heard the water from the shower running again.

“…”

What the hell? I thought for sure we were going to finish what we started, but seeing Jung Woojin run to the bathroom like a startled virgin was confusing. Was it really over? Seriously? Is this the end? The sound of the water never stopped. I ended up pulling the blanket over my head and curling up in bed.

Jung Woojin, you bastard. What’s gotten into you?

It was over thirty minutes before Jung Woojin finally crept back into the room.

＊ ＊ ＊

A tired and not-so-funny comedy show was playing on TV. Normally, Jung Woojin would’ve been annoying me with constant chatter, but today he just stared at the TV with a serious expression. We sat side by side on the couch for an hour, watching in silence, and it was unbearable. Eventually, I got up from the couch. Jung Woojin, who had been staring at the TV, turned his head to look at me.

“You’re not watching anymore?”

“No, you enjoy it yourself.”

It was absurd. No, it

ridiculous, but I couldn’t understand why I felt the way I did. Jung Woojin, at some point… No, ever since that day, he had completely changed. Ever since that day when he sobbed so hard, begging me not to hate him, he had been overly cautious, always watching my every move. Normally, he wouldn’t have cared about getting permission—he would’ve kissed me, bit me, licked me, and sucked on me as he pleased. But now, even for a light kiss on the lips, he trembled, waiting for my approval. It felt like I was being handled like a fragile glass that could easily break.

Just yesterday, it was the same. Yesterday, I thought we would’ve gone all the way… Not that I was dying to do it, but the situation and atmosphere seemed to call for it. But it’s been almost two months since the last time. To be clear, I’m not saying I’ve been longing for it or waiting to have those kinds of moments with Jung Woojin. It’s just that

had been acting so strange lately.

“Are you hungry?”

At least one thing that hadn’t changed was that Jung Woojin still followed me everywhere.

“No, just getting some water.”

Even on my way from the living room to the kitchen, Jung Woojin trailed behind me like a puppy, always a few steps behind, keeping a distance of three or four paces. When I saw this, I thought maybe nothing had really changed, but then again, why was he acting so cautious around me? What’s the problem? Was it really that shocking when I said I wanted to leave?

Was it because I avoided his touch when he tried to keep me trapped on that island? I guess it

a shock to him, considering how much he cried back then. But I had told him I was fine, and it had already been two months. Did he really need to keep walking on eggshells around me like this?

“Hey.”

“Yes?”

“…”

It didn’t happen all at once. He didn’t change immediately after that incident. It was gradual, little by little. As I stayed silent, I noticed Jung Woojin visibly tensing up. Pretending to be calm, he looked at me, and I placed my water glass on the counter with a loud

. That made Jung Woojin open his mouth to speak.

“Should I make you a fruit smoothie?”

“What?”

“If you don’t want water… maybe some fruit…”

“What are you, the housemaid now?”

I chuckled, and he responded again.

“Well, is there something else you want to eat?”

Oh, and there’s one more thing I remembered. Jung Woojin constantly tried to do things for me. He wouldn’t stop asking—“Should I do this? Should I make you that?”—over and over. The same guy who used to cling to me when I said I was just going to the convenience store now let me go without a word. Of course, he still followed me, but it was a big improvement compared to a few days ago. It was also strange how he no longer clung to me, asking for kisses all the time. And going to the bathroom alone at night to take care of himself… That, too.

In a way, this behavior was normal. But the fact that someone who had been so abnormal was now acting normal made me feel unbelievably uncomfortable.

“Sunbae?”

Jung Woojin called out to me with a puzzled look on his face. Beneath that confusion, I could see a flicker of anxiety. I nodded and said,

“Yeah, let’s eat something else.”

“What would you like?”

When I made a request, Jung Woojin’s face visibly brightened. It gave me a weird feeling, as if he only felt reassured when I needed or asked for something from him.

“Alcohol.”

“What?”

“Go buy alcohol. Soju, beer, whiskey, all of it.”

Jung Woojin’s eyes widened in surprise at my firm tone. Without a single word of protest, he nodded, grabbed his wallet, and stood up.

“Just alcohol?”

“Buy a lot.”

“…Okay.”

He nodded again, looking somewhat bewildered, his dark hair swaying with the movement. My fingers tingled with the urge to touch it, but I clenched my fists instead and said,

“Hurry back.”

With that, Jung Woojin headed out the door. I pictured him coming back, and me pouring him drink after drink until I could finally ask what the hell had been going on with him lately. Tonight, I was determined to find out.

A little later, Jung Woojin came back, carrying a black bag full of alcohol.

While he prepared some simple snacks, I set out the bottles and glasses on the dining table. Jung Woojin glanced at me as he worked and then spoke.

“Sunbae.”

I turned my head, and there he was, making a strange face again. What now?

“Did something upset you?”

“What?”

“Why the sudden desire for alcohol…?”

Seeing his anxious face as he asked, I felt a pang of guilt. Trying to brush it off, I shook my head like it was no big deal.

“Why would I be upset? But can you even handle your alcohol?”

“No, I can’t. For the snacks, maybe something with soup…”

“Hey, don’t bother with all that. Just cut up some fruit.”

I wasn’t sure how much I could drink, but at least it was a relief that Jung Woojin couldn’t handle alcohol well. After casually placing the bottles on the table and sitting down, Jung Woojin sat across from me with an apple and a bunch of grapes.

“It’s the first time we’re drinking together, Sunbae.”

Maybe because I brushed it off earlier, but Jung Woojin looked both nervous and excited, as if we were about to do something significant. I watched him carefully peel the apple and then asked,

“What do you want to drink?”

“I’ll just have some beer…”

“Really? Then let’s make soju bombs.”

Snickering to myself, I poured a hefty amount of soju into a beer glass. I mixed a 1:1 ratio of soju and beer into his glass, while I only filled mine with beer. He must have noticed how I poured his drink, but he didn’t say a word. Instead, he smiled and handed me a fork.

“Should I bring something else?”

“No, just eat. Drink, drink.”

Just like how he had done before, I placed the glass in his hand. When I told him that the first glass had to be downed in one go, the fool actually chugged the entire mix of soju and beer in one gulp. Watching in shock, I stupidly followed suit and downed my beer in one go as well.

“Sunbae, you’re drinking too fast…”

“You’re supposed to drink fast.”

Trying not to show how flustered I was, I filled our glasses again. Once again, I gave him a 1:1 mix of soju and beer, while I poured only beer into mine. I knew it was a pretty cheap trick, but I had no choice. I didn’t even know my own limits, but I had to stay sober while getting him completely wasted. After about three rounds, my curiosity got the better of me, and I couldn’t hold back anymore. Munching on the edge of the apple slice he had handed me, I asked,

“By the way, did you install a CCTV in the living room?”

“Yes.”

“When?”

“While you were sleeping, Sunbae.”

I blinked in surprise at his nonchalant answer. I hadn’t expected him to actually say “yes.” Of course, this was Jung Woojin, fast as ever.

“Isn’t that stuff expensive?”

“It’s fine. Should I at least grill some ham?”

He seemed restless, as if the snacks were too inadequate. It was true that a few drinks were starting to chill my stomach. But if I let him eat too much, he might not get drunk, and that would ruin my plan. I shook my head and raised my glass again.

“Hey, have you ever wanted to say something to me but couldn’t?”

I was about to mix another drink for him, but he took the bottle from my hand and started mixing it himself. This time, he poured only beer into my glass. Feeling slightly embarrassed, I cleared my throat, and then he spoke.

“I want to marry you, Sunbae.”

“Marry? What?”

I had been nodding along, almost agreeing with his words when I suddenly frowned. What the hell was this guy saying, and why was he so sober?

“You want to die?”

“Didn’t you say I should tell you something I’ve always wanted to say?”

“You bastard, there’s gotta be a limit!”

“Then how about we live somewhere else? Not in Korea.”

He had been talking about leaving Korea for a while now. Honestly, he was such a traitor. Why did he hate Korea so much, being Korean himself?

“There are too many people we know here.”

“And you think we wouldn’t get to know anyone if we moved somewhere else?”

“Then we could just move again…”

“You crazy bastard, just eat your apple.”

I shoved the half-eaten apple into his mouth, but he gently grabbed my wrist and asked,

“What about you, Sunbae?”

“What?”

“Are you not tired of being with me?”

That question made me fall silent. He wasn’t asking if I hated being with him—he was asking if I wasn’t tired of it. I didn’t quite understand what he meant, so I shook my head slightly, feeling a bit confused.

“I’m not tired of anything.”

“Really?”

“Huh?”

“Then, do you like it?”

I closed my mouth again. I didn’t dislike it, so I guess that means I did like it, but for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to say it. In my panic, I chugged my drink, and Jung Woojin placed his hand gently over mine.

“I’ve been thinking for a few days.”

“Huh? Thinking?”

I blinked slowly as I repeated his words, and Jung Woojin nodded.

“At first, I just wanted to be with you, Sunbae. And as long as I could do that, anything was fine…”

Being together and all that wasn’t the issue right now. I tried my best to keep my eyes wide open, pretending to be composed, but I was starting to see two of him. I didn’t understand a word of what he was saying, but I kept nodding as if I was perfectly sober. While I was poking at an apple slice I hadn’t even eaten, Jung Woojin called out to me.

“Sunbae.”

“Huh?”

Startled, I quickly looked up, and he asked me with teary eyes. I had no idea what was going on. His expression and tone made it seem serious, but…

“What do you think, Sunbae?”

…About what? If I asked like that, he would know I was drunk. I forced myself to keep my eyes wide open and said nervously,

“I…”

“Yes?”

“…I don’t really know…”

I glanced at him uncertainly, and he nodded. I noticed his glass was empty, so I quickly grabbed the soju bottle and poured it into his glass.

“But why are you crying?”

Forget the beer. His beer glass was now filled entirely with soju. If he drank that and still didn’t get drunk, then he wasn’t human. As I filled my own glass with beer, I asked again,

“Are you that sad? Huh?”

“Sunbae, aren’t you drinking too much?”

“Are you sad? Why?”

When I raised my glass, Jung Woojin reluctantly lifted his too. I watched as he drank half of his, so I followed suit and chugged half of mine. As the beer went down my throat, tears started welling up.

“I feel so pathetic.”

“Hic… What?”

I hiccuped and asked, looking at him. He slowly blinked at me.

I heard a sizzling sound. The scene suddenly shifted. I looked around in confusion and saw Jung Woojin standing with his back to me, even though he had been sitting in front of me just a moment ago. Dumbfounded, I called out to him.

“Hey.”

“Yes?”

“…What are you doing over there?”

Jung Woojin turned to look at me in response.

“Didn’t you ask me to grill some ham?”

“What?”

“You said if I didn’t make ham and seaweed soup, you’d leave.”

“…What?”

His voice sounded a bit strange. It had that sulky tone he used when he was upset. Alarmed, I swallowed hard and shook my head. I couldn’t remember anything. Did I black out? From when? Why? More importantly, what was going on… I stared seriously at the drink in my glass and said,

“Make some fried eggs too. Well-done.”

I sighed deeply, resigning myself to whatever was happening. Since I was awake, I figured I’d talk things through more clearly now.

Then I opened my eyes.

“I bought everything from the convenience store, so eat as much as you want.”

“…”

“Should I peel it for you?”

“…Huh?”

The table was now piled high with every kind of chocolate imaginable. I could barely hear Jung Woojin’s voice anymore. The world was moving in slow motion, like a video in slow-motion playback. As I blankly watched him sway slowly from side to side, I grabbed a Ghana chocolate bar.

“Ice cream…”

I tapped the table with the edge of the chocolate while mumbling, and I saw Jung Woojin pick up his wallet and stand up.

Then I closed my eyes again. When I opened them, I was breaking chocolate into the ice cream he had bought.