Lost

“Uh… yeah.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Seriously?”

“Mhm.”

After turning the vanilla ice cream into chocolate by mixing it thoroughly, I stabbed at it with my spoon. Jung Woojin grabbed my hand and asked,

“Should I go buy a new chocolate one?”

“Huh?”

“What are you doing?”

“Don’t you want ice?”

“Ice? Huh?”

Jung Woojin, who was puzzled, suddenly stood up and got some ice from the freezer. As I dropped a couple of ice cubes into the ice cream, I asked,

“Aren’t these too big?”

“Should I crush them?”

“Don’t you have any strawberries?”

“No strawberries… but we have grapes.”

While I stared blankly at Jung Woojin, an image of waves crashing in my head flashed in my mind.

“What about sashimi?”

“Huh?”

“Rockfish…”

I lost interest in the ice cream, put down the spoon, and mumbled. Jung Woojin came closer and steadied my swaying shoulders by bending down.

“Do you want to go in?”

“Where?”

“The room.”

“No… I, uh…”

“What is it?”

I shook my head firmly and brushed off his hand. When I suddenly made a serious face, Jung Woojin waited silently for me to speak. After a few hiccups, I finally managed to open my mouth.

“I have something to say.”

“Go ahead.”

“I’m drunk, aren’t I?”

I couldn’t see Jung Woojin clearly, and my words were slurred. I focused all my energy on my eyes as I spoke, and Jung Woojin nodded seriously with a thoughtful expression.

“Yeah, I think you are.”

“Are you annoyed?”

“Huh?”

“Are you annoyed because I’m drunk?”

“No, I’m not annoyed. Really.”

“Don’t lie, damn it!”

I remembered a time when a friend of mine got drunk and acted up. I was so annoyed I nearly lost it, so it felt like Jung Woojin must be lying about not being irritated with me right now. Suddenly feeling upset, I started huffing, but Jung Woojin pressed down on my shoulder to calm me.

“Really, I’m not annoyed. I think you’re cute.”

“What? Cute? You think I’m cute, damn it?”

“Yes.”

Suddenly at a loss for words, I nodded in reluctant agreement.

“Okay.”

“Sunbae, do you want to go in?”

“No… I still have something to say.”

“Go ahead.”

“Am I drunk?”

Jung Woojin closed his mouth. He looked at me silently before shaking his head.

“No.”

“You wanna die? Why are you lying?”

When I glared at him, Jung Woojin quickly changed his answer.

“It seems like you are drunk.”

“Then why’d you lie!”

“I’m sorry.”

“Alright…”

I nodded in agreement again, and Jung Woojin smiled. After a moment of quietly staring at him, I finally spoke.

“I have something to say…”

“Got it. Let’s talk inside.”

“No, I just need to say this.”

“Are you drunk?”

“No, I’m not!”

As I furrowed my brows in annoyance, Jung Woojin quickly apologized again. After taking a few deep breaths, I finally spoke.

“I’m drunk…”

“Sunbae, let’s go inside…”

“Hey!”

“My bad. Please continue.”

When I shouted, Jung Woojin sat up straight next to me, saying he understood. He looked at me as if he was fully prepared to listen, sitting with perfect posture like a model student. I cleared my throat before continuing.

“When I asked if I was drunk. Huh?”

“Yes.”

“I was going to say that I’m not drunk and it’s not because of that. Got it?”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m saying that even though I’m not drunk, I was going to say this anyway. It’s not because I’m drunk. Understand?”

“…”

Jung Woojin stared at me seriously for a moment, then nodded, looking utterly confused. It was as if he didn’t understand a word I said but nodded out of habit. Grabbing his shoulder, I slowly explained again.

“So.”

“Yes.”

“When I kept asking if I was drunk.”

“Yes.”

“I knew I was drunk, but it wasn’t the alcohol talking.”

“…Yes.”

“I would’ve said this even if I weren’t drunk. That’s why I kept asking. Do you get it? Huh?”

“…”

Jung Woojin just stared at me, not blinking or saying a word, completely serious. Left with no choice, I moved on to the next topic.

“You’ve changed.”

“…What?”

“You’ve changed…”

Jung Woojin was startled by my sudden statement. Not just a little—he was visibly shocked. He had so many things he wanted to say, but he couldn’t organize his thoughts. My head was spinning, my stomach felt weird, and my eyes kept closing, so in the end, I collapsed forward without saying anything else.

＊＊＊

It felt like fire was rising in my throat. My throat was dry, my lips were chapped, my mind was hazy, and my body felt heavy… I was in such a miserable state that I just wanted to cry. Blinking slowly, I saw a familiar ceiling above me. I wriggled around like a worm and turned on my side. I felt like I was dying of thirst. Reaching out, I muttered to myself.

“Water. Water…”

Whether he heard my weak plea or just happened to open the door at that moment, Jung Woojin came in.

“Sunbae, you’re awake?”

“Water…”

“Just a moment.”

Seeing me barely hanging on, Jung Woojin quickly left the room. He soon returned with a lukewarm cup of water and helped me sit up.

“Sunbae, are you okay?”

“Cold water!”

“You’ll get a stomachache if you drink something too cold.”

“Cold, ugh.”

As soon as I raised my voice, my head throbbed. Groaning in pain, I clutched my head and downed the lukewarm water in one go. As Jung Woojin took the empty cup from me, he said,

“Get some more sleep, it’s still early.”

“What time is it…”

“2:30.”

I wriggled around again and collapsed back onto the bed. Lying on my side, I took deep breaths in and out, over and over. Jung Woojin then lay down next to me, pressing close behind and wrapping his arms around my waist.

“Sunbae.”

“Mm.”

“Do you want to wash up?”

“Mm, later…”

I mumbled in my half-asleep state. After that, Jung Woojin stayed silent for a long time. I could feel his warm breath on the back of my neck. Just as I was about to fall asleep again, Jung Woojin spoke.

“Have I changed?”

“…”

“I think I have, too.”

Forcing my heavy eyelids open, a sharp pain hit my head once more. I shifted my body and turned to face him, which made Jung Woojin flinch. As we lay facing each other, our noses almost touching, Jung Woojin hesitated for a moment before pulling me tightly into his arms.

“I read it in a book.”

“…”

“They say that when you have one thing, you want two. And when you have two, you want three.”

As I slowly exhaled, Jung Woojin lowered his head and placed a soft kiss on my trembling eyelashes, still heavy with sleep.

“Back then, it didn’t matter what I did because no matter what, you’d always hate me the same. So, I acted however I wanted.”

I winced, feeling the tickle on my eyelids, and Jung Woojin let out a low chuckle.

“But now, I realized something a few days ago. It’s not like that anymore.”

“…”

“Now, if I hold on, if I endure, you’ll call my name. You’ll stay with me, and you’ll even listen to what I have to say.”

My eyes fluttered closed. His soft, pleading voice hummed in my ears, barely audible but filled with longing.

“Sunbae, I…”

“…”

“If you stay with me, call my name, and smile at me, I’ll do anything for you. I won’t do anything you don’t like, and I’ll agree to anything you want.”

“…”

“I’ve decided. That’s how it’s going to be from now on.”

My body grew heavier as sleep slowly pulled me in. I could barely make out what he was saying. I mumbled a half-conscious agreement, on the verge of falling asleep, when one word pierced through clearly.

“Go out and do whatever you want, Sunbae. Meet other people, go to school, work—just do everything you want to. But don’t get close to anyone else. If you do that, I’ll give you everything you want, and if you hate it, I won’t touch you. I won’t even have sex with you.”

My eyes snapped open. Right in front of me, I saw Jung Woojin’s face, his eyes rimmed red as if he were about to cry. I parted my lips, struggling to speak.

“…Lately…”

“What?”

Jung Woojin’s earlier words echoed in my ears. He said he wouldn’t do anything I didn’t like, wouldn’t touch me, and wouldn’t have sex with me. He said I could do whatever I wanted. I could hear his breathing. If I listened closely, I could even hear the steady thump of his heartbeat.

I never really hated it. Of course, it was unbearably hard and painful at times, but I never truly thought I hated it.

I recalled Jung Woojin’s face, streaked with tears, crying as he told me he loved me. Slowly, I opened my eyes again. He was staring at me, his eyes red, as if he could cry any second.

I exhaled deeply, inhaled again, and finally asked the question that had been on my mind.

“Why aren’t you…”

“Huh?”

Sex…

When I mumbled, I could feel Jung Woojin freeze.

Watching him go stiff like a wax figure, my mind flickered between alertness and exhaustion. I forced my heavy eyelids open, and I could feel the tension in the arms around my waist tighten.

“I didn’t hear that.”

His voice trembled. I raised my gaze to his face. He was frozen, clearly tense. His face had gone pale, his lips quivered slightly, and his eyes were red and swollen. My gaze drifted to his slightly parted lips, which looked moist and inviting. Dumbfounded, I repeated myself.

“Huh?”

“I didn’t hear that.”

“Hear what?”

“What you just said, Sunbae.”

What I said earlier? What did I say? As I blinked in confusion, Jung Woojin spoke again, pressing for an answer.

“You asked me why we’re not having sex, didn’t you?”

“Huh?”

“You just asked why we haven’t been having sex lately, right now.”

“Ah…”

When I furrowed my brow and tilted my head, Jung Woojin tightened his grip around my waist and spoke.

“Say it again.”

“…”

“Sunbae, earlier…”

“…?”

“…”

“My back hurts…”

I mumbled irritably, and Jung Woojin fell silent. As I wriggled deeper into his embrace and reached out my hand, I pressed my fingertip against his tightly shut lips, and they soon parted slightly. When I slid my finger inside, I felt him tremble. Whether from surprise or nervousness, his whole body, even his eyelashes, were shaking. I hadn’t thought much of it, but suddenly I felt tense too. As I swallowed, my fingertip touched something warm and soft—his tongue.

I shivered slightly and silently laughed, making my shoulders twitch, as his teeth brushed against my finger. His eyes were now even more flushed than before. Jung Woojin pulled me closer, one hand gripping my waist while the other slipped into my pants, touching my butt.

“Don’t…”

I squirmed and mumbled, and Jung Woojin paused. He glared at me with dissatisfaction, his red-rimmed eyes moist. I pressed the tip of my finger against his tongue, poking and rubbing against the roof of his mouth. His brows furrowed. That expression amused me, so I scratched the roof of his mouth again with my fingernail, causing him to gasp. His breath hitched, and as I pulled my finger out, his tongue followed, slipping out of his mouth for a moment before retreating. Watching it go back inside, I burrowed into his arms, and he hugged me tightly, exhaling shakily.

“Sunbae.”

I was tired. Sleepy… I just wanted to sleep. Thirsty too… I mumbled absentmindedly, and Jung Woojin looked at me with a tearful expression.

“Do it again.”

“Mm.”

“Please, do it again.”

Too tired… Half-asleep, I murmured as Jung Woojin’s hand slipped into my pants. Too exhausted to resist, I let my body go limp. His hand, which had been on my butt, slowly moved lower. His fingers touched my genitals and brushed the inside of my butt, gradually becoming wet. Every time I blinked, the situation seemed to change. I wasn’t sure what was happening, but when I finally became aware, I was panting and groaning as if I had been running.

“Ah… ngh… ah.”

I couldn’t focus. I tried to lift myself with all my strength, but Jung Woojin pressed his lips against mine. His low, murmured “Just a moment” felt calming.

“Mm…”

I shook my head in discomfort, but Jung Woojin kissed the corner of my eye. His long fingers persistently rubbed the inside of my butt.

I groaned, gripping my clothes tightly. Suddenly, his fingers slipped out, and the cold sensation made me shudder. Jung Woojin lifted my leg higher. Through my blurry vision, I saw his face. Instinctively, I reached out and wrapped my arms around his neck. He flinched and trembled slightly. His expression was oddly filled with emotion. As he leaned down, the bed creaked beneath us, and suddenly, I snapped back to reality. I pushed him away just as he was about to kiss me, quickly sitting up. Jung Woojin, who had been shoved aside, stared at me with a dazed expression. I grabbed his shoulder firmly and pushed him down onto the bed. My arms almost gave out, and I nearly collapsed forward. After regaining my balance, I slowly climbed onto his stomach, feeling the tension in his hard, contracted abs against my butt.

I couldn’t help but laugh at his wide, cat-like eyes, filled with surprise. As I reached out and ran my hand over his chest and stomach, Jung Woojin stiffened, unable to breathe. I tapped the area between his chest and collarbone with my fingertips, as if knocking on a door, and he exhaled as if it was a reflex.

“Sun…”

Jung Woojin’s trembling hands tried to pull me down, but I grabbed his wrist and tossed him back onto the bed. I clicked my tongue and made a stern face, like I was scolding a misbehaving child.

“Don’t move.”

“…”

“Or you’ll be punished.”

Seeing him behave so obediently made me feel satisfied. His tear-filled eyes, which were on the verge of bursting with blood, were so beautiful that a smirk crept onto my lips. I stretched my back like I was yawning, raising my head high as I inhaled deeply and exhaled. The world spun around me.

Between my butt cheeks, I felt something hard and hot throbbing steadily. As I moved my hips slightly, breathing heavily, I suddenly remembered Jung Woojin. Slowly exhaling, I looked down to see him staring at me with a face that looked like he was about to cry. His cheeks were flushed, resembling a ripe tomato. I chuckled at the sight, which caused him to let out a faint sob.

“Sunbae, please…”

If I teased him any more, it seemed like he might actually cry. A wicked feeling bubbled up from deep within me, like smoke rising. My breath grew ragged as I silently looked down at Jung Woojin. His tear-filled eyes began to glisten as he waited for my response. Something unknown filled me with pleasure. I lifted my hand from his sweaty chest and reached out. Jung Woojin flinched, hunching his shoulders. I brushed my fingers lightly over his wet eyelashes, and he whimpered again. “Please, Sunbae,” he murmured softly, almost as if talking to himself. I tilted my head curiously, and at that, he spoke up as if he had been waiting for the chance.

“Can I put my fingers in?”

Where? Jung Woojin appeared to be two, then three, before finally coming into focus again. I squeezed my eyes shut and gave a small shake of my head, but Jung Woojin grabbed my waist and gently laid me down. As he straightened his posture, something pressed firmly against the inside of my rear. The moment I exhaled a warm breath and opened my eyes, a finger slipped inside. There was no pain, just a sensation that was both familiar and unfamiliar. With my hands on his chest, moving my hips naturally to match the rhythm of his chest rising and falling, a second finger slid in. It felt tight, and my shoulders trembled slightly, making Jung Woojin stick out his tongue.

“Kiss me.”

“Sunbae, Sunbae.” The sound of Jung Woojin calling me echoed in my ears. As I lowered myself, panting, something hot touched my lips. I parted them slightly, and his soft tongue slipped inside, exploring every crevice and sucking gently. Just like how he would suck me, he now sucked my tongue with a noisy slurp. The lewd sound scrambled my thoughts, making my head spin again. As I let out a soft groan and raised my hips, Jung Woojin, holding my waist, spoke.

“Lift your hips.”

“No…”

“Hurry.”

“I’m dizzy…”

I couldn’t breathe, felt dizzy, and everything felt off. Like a child, I pouted and shook my head. All I wanted was to collapse and fall asleep. I’m going to sleep. I want to sleep. I’m tired. I’m sleepy. As I kept muttering those words, Jung Woojin tightened his grip on my waist.

“Hurry up.”

“No…”

“Please.”

The trembling voice that echoed in my ears made me strain to focus.

“Sunbae, please.”

His tear-filled eyes shimmered as if they were about to overflow. His dark pupils swayed with moisture, reflecting how brimming with tears they were. I squinted, quietly gazing at Jung Woojin. My silence seemed to make him more anxious, and he pleaded again. When I still said nothing, a tear finally rolled down his smooth cheek.

“Sunbae.”

He was crying.

I felt a shiver ripple through my stomach as I let out a breath. Lowering my head, I licked the tear-streaked corner of his eye. His entire body trembled, and I could feel every small twitch, down to the subtle movement of his muscles and the warmth of his skin. Every time his erection brushed against my backside, my vision flickered. I hesitated, then lowered my gaze, and saw Jung Woojin’s flushed face, panting heavily. A single tear dropped onto his red cheeks.

“Sunbae?”

In a breathless voice, Jung Woojin raised his hand. As I looked at him wiping the tears from my face, I began to sob.

“What… ugh, ah.”

Sex with Jung Woojin was always sharp, heavy, fast—like I was gasping for breath at death’s door. While it felt good, as I thrashed at the peak of pleasure, it was exhausting, leaving me torn between the desire to live and the desire to die.

“Does it hurt?”

Jung Woojin asked with concern. I shook my head, slowly rotating my hips. Tears dripped onto his damp chest with a soft patter. He reached out again to cup my cheek. I rubbed my wet face into his palm, trembling.

“It feels good.”

My mind was foggy as if shrouded in mist, and my entire body felt languid as though it was melting. Each time something hard twitched inside me, the tightness in my throat seemed to release, and I could breathe again. When I opened my eyes, I saw Jung Woojin, frozen like a statue. He didn’t blink, didn’t breathe, didn’t tremble, just stared at me like a doll. I closed my eyes again, continuing to mutter to myself. How, how… it feels so good, it feels amazing, inside feels so good… I wept and whimpered, moving my hips and repeating how good it felt. Suddenly, my body flipped over. When I opened my eyes again, Jung Woojin was looking down at me. Startled by the abrupt change in perspective, I froze, and Jung Woojin gritted his teeth.

“Fuck.”

After that, my consciousness flickered in and out. I vaguely recalled seeing my legs shaking on top of his firm shoulders.

＊ ＊ ＊

My head felt like it was about to explode. In a hazy state of half-sleep, I let out strange groans while gripping the sheets.

“Ugh, ugh… damn, ugh…”

I thought I might die. I truly felt like I was about to die. My head hurt, my body felt off, and every bone in me ached as though I’d been shattered to pieces. As I squirmed and made odd noises, caught somewhere between a groan and a scream, I heard movement. I was too out of it to even register the source of the sound. Wriggling in bed and cursing, I suddenly felt something cold touch me. Glancing over, I saw Jung Woojin crawling onto the bed wearing a white robe. His hair, dripping wet, suggested he had just taken a shower.

“Sunbae.”

His voice was low and hoarse. I tried to respond, but my head hurt so much that I buried my face back into the pillow. Jung Woojin wrapped his arms around me tightly, leaving no gaps between us.

“Do you want to shower?”

“I feel like I’m dying…”

“Then sleep a little more.”

With his wet hair pressing against my shoulder, Jung Woojin whispered in a tone that was… unsettlingly affectionate. I didn’t know exactly what an unsettling voice was, but even in my muddled state, I could tell he sounded like he was delighted to death, and it gave me chills. I turned to glare at him and asked.

“Why?”

“I love you.”

“What?”

“I like you, Sunbae.”

What the hell is this guy saying… I stared at him in disbelief, then turned my head back and buried my face in the pillow again. How much had I drunk? I couldn’t remember anything from the middle of the night onwards, so I must have blacked out and kept drinking. No wonder my whole body was aching.

“I love you, Sunbae.”

“Ugh, damn…”

“Sunbae, I like you. There’s no one but you, Sunbae.”

“Ugh.”

No matter what Jung Woojin was rambling about, I was practically on the verge of death. Holding my stomach, I groaned, but he just clung to me, rubbing against me and repeating how much he enjoyed it.

“I love you.”

“My head feels like it’s about to explode…”

“I love you.”

“Shit, my head…”

“I love you.”

His voice, rattling off nonsense without a care for how much pain I was in, only made me angrier. I whipped my head around, and cold, damp hair brushed against my forehead and cheek. I wasn’t sure if he had washed with cold water or if I was just running hot, but his body temperature was lower than usual. The wet strands tickling my skin gradually eased my irritation. I reached out and pressed Woojin’s hand to my cheek, placing my other hand on my forehead.

“Ah, this is saving me.”

“Sunbae, I like you.”

“So refreshing…”

“I really love you. I mean it.”

As if by magic, the pounding headache began to subside. My stomach still hurt, my body ached, but with the pain in my head easing, I started to feel drowsy again. I drifted off to sleep, listening to Woojin quietly whisper “I love you” into my ear.

＊＊＊

I woke up and fell asleep repeatedly until eventually, the sun had set. Throughout the day, Jung Woojin either sat beside me, staring, whispered his love while stroking me, or busied himself with something next to me. When I finally felt like I should get up, I realized I was alone in the room. It was so quiet, it felt like I was the only one left in the house. Lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, I rolled over until my feet touched the floor at the edge. As soon as I stood, a sharp pain shot through my lower back, and in that instant, I realized exactly what had gone down last night. That bastard. I gritted my teeth, grabbing my back, and stumbled out of the bedroom toward the living room, but the house was silent.

It seemed like I really was the only one home. I glanced at the clock—it was past ten.

“Woojin.”

I called out in a hoarse voice, but there was no reply. I felt empty inside, likely because I was hungry. I paced around the kitchen, searching for my phone. Woojin wasn’t around, and there wasn’t any food, so ordering in seemed like the best option. As I debated what to eat, a wave of hunger hit me like a ton of bricks. My hands started shaking, and an inexplicable frustration crept in. I was flipping through a delivery brochure sitting on the table when I heard the front door open. I dashed toward the entrance at full speed.

“You’re awake?”

Woojin beamed at me like a kid who had just found his mom, then walked over.

“Where did you go?”

“I went to meet someone. How’s your body? You must be hungry, right?”

“I was about to order something…”

Just then, Woojin cupped my cheeks and quickly planted a kiss on my lips. My eyes widened in shock, but Woojin acted like nothing happened and grinned as he asked, “What do you want to eat?”

“…”

Still holding my cheeks, my lips puckered like a duck, I stared at him in disbelief. Woojin, smiling playfully, kissed me again. Snapping out of it, I yanked his hand away.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“I just like you.”

“What’s there to like, you bastard!”

“I really like you, Sunbae.”

Woojin wrapped his arms tightly around my waist. Unable to escape, I wiggled in his grip as he buried his face in my neck.

“Wanna go on a trip tomorrow?”

“A trip? Out of nowhere? Let me go.”

“Then should we go to the movies? We can watch a film, eat something nice, go to an amusement park, hold hands and walk together—”

“What the hell? Is this a date?”

I asked in disbelief, and Woojin lifted his head, looking at me with bright eyes.

“Yes, let’s go on a date.”

“…”

I found myself momentarily dazed, staring at Woojin’s face, which was blooming into a radiant smile like a flower. I knew he was attractive—after all, I’d seen him countless times—but every time he smiled like this, it still managed to surprise me. And for some reason, seeing that smile suddenly brought back memories of what had happened last night.

The things I did, and the things Woojin did.