Lost

“Sunbae?”

Jung Woojin called out to me when I remained silent, frozen like a rock. As I subtly tilted my head to the side, his soft-looking hair shifted slightly. My heart started pounding like crazy. My mouth went dry, and I swallowed nervously. Jung Woojin, who had been watching me with a puzzled expression, kissed the corner of my eye. His warm lips lightly touched the edge of my eye before pulling away.

“Still feeling sleepy?”

Far from sleepy, I was wide awake. I was about to shake my head no when suddenly, the phone rang. I looked up, and I saw Jung Woojin checking his phone screen.

“One second.”

When I nodded, Jung Woojin answered the call.

“Father, I’m busy right now…”

Without even saying hello, Jung Woojin spoke urgently, trailing off as he continued. Seeing my curious expression, he gave a small smile, as if to say it was nothing, and turned his back.

“When?”

What is this? A serious call? Without realizing it, I found myself following Jung Woojin, my head tilted in confusion.

“So, she’s at the hospital right now?”

Hospital? I froze in my tracks. Feeling uneasy about eavesdropping, I rubbed the back of my neck and returned to the living room, sitting on the couch. I craned my neck toward the kitchen, waiting. Soon enough, Jung Woojin finished his call and approached me.

“Sunbae, I need to step out for a bit.”

“Uh, sure. But earlier, did you say something about a hospital? Is someone hurt?”

“My mother collapsed.”

Jung Woojin calmly reached out to brush my cheek with his hand as he spoke. His voice, expression, and movements were so composed that I was momentarily at a loss for words. I stared at him dumbfounded before blurting out in a fluster.

“Oh, how did that happen? Is she seriously ill?”

“Not sure. I’ll be back soon. Just stay home, okay?”

He smiled and kissed my forehead. I stood there, still dazed, watching him head toward the front door.

“If your mom’s not well, shouldn’t you stay at the hospital longer?”

“They probably have a caregiver or someone else there.”

“Well, even so…”

“It’s a hospital nearby, so I’ll be back in less than an hour. No need to worry, I’ll be quick.”

He kissed my forehead again, and I could only stare at him with my mouth slightly open.

“If you’re hungry, there’s food in the fridge.”

“I can manage, don’t worry. Just go.”

“I’ll be back soon. Don’t go anywhere.”

The door shut with a firm thud. I stood there, still not able to close my mouth, staring blankly at the closed front door. If she collapsed at this hour, she’s probably in the ER… I hope it’s nothing too serious. Feeling uneasy, I paced by the door for a while before heading back to the living room. As I plopped down on the couch, something poked me.

“Ah, he didn’t even take his wallet.”

I sighed and picked up the wallet that Jung Woojin always carried. He was visiting his sick mother, and he didn’t even take this with him. I stared at the wallet for a moment, then sighed deeply and opened it without thinking.

“…”

Inside the wallet wasn’t a credit card, an ID, or even a transit card—but a picture of me, obviously taken in secret.

In the photo, my hair was a mess like I had just woken up, and I was sitting there watching TV with my mouth stupidly open. There was even a clear imprint of the pillow on my cheek. I was utterly speechless. Isn’t this some kind of invasion of privacy? If he’s going to keep a picture, couldn’t he have picked a better one? I quickly took the photo out of the wallet. It was stuck in there pretty tight, but I finally managed to pull it out. As I did, a piece of paper fell onto my lap. It must have been tucked behind the photo.

What’s this?

I picked up the yellowed, folded piece of paper. When I unfolded it, I saw faded and smudged writing.

It was from when I was seven years old. The director of the orphanage had brought in a skinny, frail-looking kid, so thin that you couldn’t tell if they were a boy or girl. They told us to be friends since we’d be together from now on, but their face was hidden by their long bangs, making my first impression of them rather bad. I didn’t care about the new kid, so a few days passed like that. One morning, I decided to go to the playground to build a sandcastle, something I hadn’t done in a while, when I heard a strange sound.

“Hahaha!”

“Puhaha!”

It was strange. The laughter sounded big, but the retching noise was even louder. I turned the corner of the building and saw a small, frail child on the ground near the playground, dry-heaving and vomiting. They hadn’t eaten much, so only a thin, sticky liquid was coming out. A group of three or four kids was laughing and pointing at the kid who was throwing up.

“Hey, wanna play swords?”

Dongwook nudged my shoulder and asked. I frowned and asked back.

“What are they doing?”

“Who? Oh, that’s the new kid from a few days ago.”

“Yeah, I know, but…”

“Hyewon overheard the director say that the new kid was found living with their mom’s corpse.”

What the hell? I glanced at Dongwook in disbelief, then turned my head back to the scene. The frail kid was still dry-heaving. Their clothes and hands were covered in the disgusting mess.

“Puhaha! This brat is throwing up!”

“Ew, gross!”

The fierce wind blew, making the creaking sound grow louder.

I saw someone kick the kid who was throwing up. The kid with long hair, whose face was barely visible, fell flat onto the vomit they had just thrown up.

“Hey, step on him more! Hit him!”

“You pathetic loser! Throw up more!”

Laughter erupted.

This was too much. I frowned as the stench carried by the wind began to reach me. Disgusted, I turned my back.

＊ ＊ ＊

I fought with Dongwook. That jerk destroyed the sandcastle I had made. And instead of apologizing, he just laughed. I got mad and shoved him, but Dongwook punched me. I was the one hit first, but the principal only scolded me. Probably because I hit him back harder.

Because I fought with a friend, the principal didn’t give me dinner. My stomach growled. By now, the other kids were probably eating. Sniffling, I looked out the window and saw Dongwook in the darkness. Gritting my teeth, I glared at him. Then I noticed that something seemed off between Dongwook and the kid standing across from him. Was he fighting with someone else? Excited, I rushed to tell the principal.

“Teacher!”

“What did I say about running?”

“But Dongwook…!”

“Hurry up and go to bed.”

The principal didn’t even listen and turned away so sharply it felt like a cold breeze swept through. Holding back tears, I angrily headed back toward Dongwook.

“You said you did it!”

From a distance, I could hear Dongwook’s sharp voice.

“You took my stuff!”

“……”

“You thief!”

“……”

“Give me back my origami paper!”

The kid across from Dongwook was the skinny one who had been throwing up earlier. His head was hanging low, and he didn’t say a word, just stood there listening to whatever Dongwook yelled. Origami paper? I shoved both hands into my pockets and walked up to Dongwook, who was yelling.

“Hey.”

Both Dongwook and the skinny kid looked at me. No matter how much the skinny one lifted his head, his long hair obscured his eyes. It was so frustrating to look at that I wanted to sweep his hair away, but it was greasy and matted, and I didn’t want to touch it.

“What do you want?” Dongwook asked, still angry. Now that I looked closely, his lip was split, and there was a cut near his eye. He probably had bruises on his arms and stomach too. Smirking, I said,

“Your origami paper is in my room.”

“What? No way…!”

“You left it there yesterday.”

“When did I…!”

Just as Dongwook was about to charge at me, he suddenly stopped mid-sentence. It seemed like he remembered. I smirked at him.

“Why are you yelling at him when you left it in my room?”

“What’s it to you!”

“You left it in my room, so why are you taking it out on him!”

I didn’t really care about the skinny kid. I just wanted to fight with Dongwook. Everything that had happened today—missing dinner, getting scolded by the principal, feeling frustrated and angry—it was all Dongwook’s fault.

Eventually, our argument turned into a physical fight. Dongwook and I were punching and wrestling when we got caught by the principal. We both got scolded and locked in solitary confinement. The principal told us we’d have to skip breakfast, too, and I felt like the world was ending. I hadn’t even had dinner. Finally, I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer and started crying. As soon as I did, Dongwook started crying too. Through my sobs, I noticed the skinny kid staring at us. For the first time, I could see his dark eyes peeking through his messy hair.

We were locked in solitary confinement, curled up and trying to sleep. When it was time for breakfast, I woke up naturally. My eyes were so swollen from crying that I could barely open them. Rubbing away the sleep from my eyes, I heard a rustling sound outside the locked door. Half-asleep, I stared at the door in a daze, but then everything went quiet again. That’s when my stomach growled. I clutched my belly and curled up on my side. I was starving. My throat was dry, my stomach was empty, and my calves still hurt from where the principal had hit me. As I sniffled, I suddenly heard a scraping sound. I shot up in surprise, but everything was quiet again. What was that? Was it a ghost? No, that didn’t make sense. It was morning. Confused, I stared at the door when the tapping sound came again.

Then something was pushed through the square hole at the top of the door. I yelped in shock and fell backward.

I covered my head with my hands, trembling. There was another tap. Through my teary eyes, I peeked up. A dark shape was visible through the barred window.

“Huh?”

It was the skinny kid.

He must have been standing on a chair, tiptoeing, because I could barely see his face. Just as I was processing what was happening, something dropped through the bars. It was a bag of bread. I stared at the bag on the floor.

Then I heard the scraping sound again. I realized it was the sound of the skinny kid dragging the chair away. Everything became quiet. I waited for more sounds, but nothing came. Hesitantly, I picked up the bag of bread from the floor. Tears welled up again. I ripped open the bag and devoured the bread.

＊ ＊ ＊

I could feel someone’s uncomfortable gaze on me. A few days ago, the kid would have looked away as soon as our eyes met, but recently, it felt like he wanted me to notice him. When I made eye contact, he didn’t look away. Instead, he gazed at me pitifully, as if he wanted me to talk to him. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and asked,

“Why do you keep staring at me?”

“……”

When I approached and asked, his bony shoulders flinched. His wrists, as thin as sticks, and ankles, which looked like they’d break with a tap, appeared pitiful. I frowned and asked again.

“Why do you keep staring at me?”

His head, which had been lowered, lifted slightly. Through his oily, matted black hair, his dark eyes were visible. With shadows cast around them, he looked extremely gloomy. Come to think of it, I didn’t even know his name yet. Should I ask him? I stepped closer to ask when suddenly a stench that I hadn’t noticed before hit my nose. I quickly covered my nose and mouth with my hand and darted back.

“Ugh, the smell!”

As I shouted, he lowered his head again and hunched his shoulders. He looked a bit pitiful as he hesitated, but the smell was so strong I couldn’t get any closer. The director really hated filth. Pinching my nose with my fingers, I spoke in a nasal voice.

“Hey, go wash up! You’re filthy!”

“……”

“You stink!”

The more I spoke, the smaller and more hunched his shoulders became. His head lowered, and his body curled up, looking like a tiny black chick on the verge of dying. At that moment, some kids, who had been playing nearby, seemed to have heard the commotion and approached us.

“Ugh, the smell!”

“Wow, it’s really bad!”

“Disgusting!”

A few kids stood near me, pointing fingers and laughing at him. I realized too late that I had made a mistake. This wasn’t what I intended… I looked at him in embarrassment, but he didn’t lift his head.

I wanted to apologize, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I was too embarrassed.

＊ ＊ ＊

The next morning, I felt his uncomfortable gaze on me again. I knew it was him, so I just ignored it, but yesterday’s events came to mind. Feeling a bit guilty and awkward, I glanced over.

“Oh!”

As soon as I saw him, I pointed and shouted. At my yell, his shoulders shrank again. I quickly approached him and said.

“You washed up!”

“……”

“See? Now you don’t smell anymore.”

I patted his shoulder as I spoke, and he slowly lifted his head. I hadn’t noticed before, but his skin looked incredibly pale. Even paler than Hyewon’s. I widened my eyes, scanning him up and down, and then noticed him looking at me curiously. Clearing my throat, I asked.

“By the way, what’s your name?”

“……”

“I’m asking your name. What’s your name?”

Does he not understand what I’m saying? Is he deaf? Or does he just not want to talk? Even though I waited for a response, he didn’t open his mouth, so I turned away. Just then, he grabbed my wrist. I could feel a slight trembling through his small, thin fingers.

“Kim… Woojin.”

A voice as small and delicate as a girl’s whispered out, sounding hoarse. He had a small, thin voice, a frail body, pale skin… He really seemed like a girl, and it made me feel a bit strange.

“Hey, why is your hair so long?”

“……”

“Huh?”

At my question, Kim Woojin hesitated before answering.

“Mom…”

“What?”

“She didn’t cut it for me…”

“How old are you?”

I asked, feeling incredulous. Kim Woojin, using the hand that wasn’t holding my wrist, raised five fingers.

“You’re five?”

“……”

“Are you an idiot? Huh? When I was five, I could eat by myself, change clothes by myself, and even wash up on my own!”

At my words, Kim Woojin hunched his shoulders and lowered his head. Then, slowly, he let go of my wrist. His trembling made him seem scared. Realizing my mistake, I spoke quickly.

“Hey, I’m not scolding you. I mean, we don’t have moms or dads now, so we have to take care of ourselves… That’s all I meant…”

As I fumbled for words, something dropped. I bent down to look at Kim Woojin’s face in confusion. Tears, like drops of chicken dung, were falling from his eyes. I was taken aback again as Kim Woojin, who could barely speak earlier, mumbled.

“Mom…”

“……”

“Mom…”

His voice wasn’t loud. It was so soft that you couldn’t hear it unless you were paying close attention. As if he was breathing out the word, he kept whispering for his mom, while tears trickled down his face and his body trembled. It felt like I had made him cry, and I felt uneasy. Unsure of what to do, I grabbed Kim Woojin’s wrist. He looked up at me in surprise. His peach-colored cheeks were wet with tears.

“Come with me.”

I made up my mind to turn this girly Kim Woojin into a man.

“……”

“……”

I was serious. I really just wanted to make Kim Woojin more like a man, but…

“……”

“……”

Kim Woojin looked blankly at his reflection in the mirror without saying a word. As I hid the scissors behind my back, I nervously stepped back, watching him carefully.

There were one, two, three… three bald spots. Not to mention, his hair was uneven, making him look like a complete mess. As I continued backing away, Kim Woojin turned his head sharply and looked at me. Startled, I jumped and dropped the scissors. Should I apologize? What should I say? After a moment of hesitation, I decided to bluff. I approached Kim Woojin and said boldly.

“Hey, now you look more like a man.”

“……”

“W-well, that’s how all men are! That’s what makes us tough!”

I stubbornly insisted, though I didn’t really know what a shaved head had to do with being a man. Woojin, looking dazed, nodded his head. Fortunately, he didn’t seem too angry, so I smiled broadly at him.

“Let’s go eat,” I said, extending my hand. Woojin stared at me with his dark eyes for a moment before taking my outstretched hand. His soft, small fingers intertwined tightly with mine.

From then on, we played together almost every day. We sat next to each other at meals, played together, and even slept together. Woojin was still shy and scared, but he had improved compared to when we first met. He became friends with Dongwook, Hyewon, and even got along with the other kids without getting into fights. Despite making more friends, Woojin stuck to me like glue. Without me, he couldn’t do anything—not eat, sleep, or play. Sometimes it was annoying, but mostly it felt good. It was the first time I felt like someone really needed me.

“Have you ever eaten a frog?” I asked.

“N-no…” Woojin shook his head anxiously. I chuckled devilishly and caught a few frogs. Then, I sneaked into the kitchen when the headmaster wasn’t looking and filled a pot with water.

“If we get caught, we’re both dead.”

“Dead?” Woojin asked, his eyes wide.

“Yeah, the headmaster never lets us into the kitchen,” I said, tossing the frogs into the pot and covering it with a lid. “You have to eat all of this,” I added.

“…”

“Huh?”

“…Okay…” Woojin looked like he was about to cry, which made me laugh even more. Soon, the water started boiling. I turned off the stove and heard Woojin gulp nervously behind me. I placed a well-cooked frog on the table. As steam rose from the frog, Woojin hid behind me, clutching my shirt as if the frog terrified him. It was so funny that I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Come on, try it.”

“Hyung…” Woojin whimpered.

“It’s delicious, I promise,” I said, nodding enthusiastically. Woojin, trembling, slowly came out from behind me and reached for the frog.

“Just eat the legs, okay?”

“…Okay… But, hyung…”

Woojin, with a tearful expression, looked up at me as if he wanted to say something. When I asked what it was, he just shook his head, his eyes filled with tears. Woojin gingerly grabbed the frog’s leg and opened his mouth.

“Sniff…”

Suddenly, a suppressed sob escaped. Woojin, his tongue sticking out, was crying while holding the frog’s leg. He looked so pitiful that I quickly grabbed the frog from his hand.

“Why are you crying?”

“Uwaaah…”

“What’s wrong?”

“Hwaaah…”

Woojin didn’t answer—he just kept crying. Grabbing my shirt, he buried his face in the fabric. I looked down at him, confused, then tore off the frog’s leg and ate it. Woojin, still crying, watched in horror as I chewed the frog leg. I smiled triumphantly and took a big bite.

“See? It’s really tasty!”

“….”

“It’s really good—”

“Ahhhh!”

Woojin screamed like he’d seen a ghost and collapsed onto the floor, sobbing loudly. At first, I was startled, but as I watched him cry, I couldn’t help but laugh, tears streaming down my face as I pounded the floor with my fists.

＊ ＊ ＊

As time passed and Woojin’s hair grew, the bald patches disappeared. His messy hair became neat, and Woojin grew more popular. It was no surprise—he was even prettier than Hyewon, who was the most popular kid in the orphanage.

The other kids, who hadn’t cared whether Woojin was trailing after me or crying on the ground, started treating him differently. Even the headmaster’s attitude changed. Naturally, Woojin and I spent less time together. At first, I didn’t mind. It was funny to see him looking awkward and teary-eyed among the others, and it was cute when he came looking for me again.

“Hyung.”

At some point, I don’t know when, I started to dislike it. Woojin had just turned six.

“Hyung.”

I was drawing with crayons when Woojin sat beside me. The memory of his scraggly hair and dirty appearance had long faded. He used to be so scrawny and ragged, but now he looked like someone from TV.

“Woojin!”

Dongwook’s voice came from afar. Hyewon and some other kids were with him.

“We’re going to play freeze tag. Come join us!”

My grip tightened on the crayon. Maybe now Dongwook and Hyewon liked Woojin more than me.

Dongwook kept calling for Woojin. Looking flustered, Woojin glanced back and forth between me and Dongwook. I hastily packed up my sketchbook and stood up. Woojin, his face lighting up, quickly stood as well. Trying to stay calm, I told him to go play and headed back to the room. Woojin trailed after me, but I slammed the door shut and locked it right before he could come in. I heard a few clicks from the door. After a couple more attempts, it finally went quiet.

I sat on the floor, hugging my sketchbook, and listened to the silence beyond the door for a long time before lying down. I resumed drawing, though my arms and legs grew sore from staying still. When I finally got up to get a drink of water, the door wouldn’t open easily.

I’m not sure how a bandaid has anything to do with being a man, but I insisted on it anyway. Kim Woojin, with a bewildered expression, nodded his head. Thankfully, he didn’t seem too upset, so I smiled brightly at him.

“Let’s go eat.”

When I extended my hand and spoke, Kim Woojin stared at me with his dark eyes before grabbing my outstretched hand. His soft, small fingers intertwined tightly with mine.

From then on, we played together almost every day. We sat together to eat, played together, and even slept together. He was still shy and scared, but he had improved a lot since we first met. He became friends with Dongwook, Hyewon, and got along well with the other kids without getting into fights. Despite making many new friends, Kim Woojin continued to follow me around. He couldn’t do anything without me—he wouldn’t eat, sleep, or play unless I was there. Even when talking to others, I had to be by his side. Though it could be annoying at times, I liked it more often than not. It was the first time I felt like someone needed me.

“Have you ever eaten a frog?”

“No…”

Kim Woojin shook his head with anxious eyes. I chuckled evilly and caught a few frogs. Sneaking into the kitchen behind the director’s back, I filled a pot with water.

“If we get caught, we’re both dead.”

“Dead?”

“Yeah, the director never lets us into the kitchen.”

I plopped the frogs into the pot and covered it with a lid.

“You have to eat all of this.”

“…”

“Huh?”

“Uh-huh…”

Kim Woojin made a face like he was about to cry. It was so funny that I turned away, shaking with silent laughter. Soon, the water started to boil. When I turned off the gas stove, I heard Kim Woojin gulp nervously. I pulled out a well-cooked frog and placed it on the table. As steam rose from the frog, Kim Woojin grabbed my sleeve and hid behind me. It was hilarious how scared he was, trembling.

“Come on, try it.”

“Hyung…”

“It’s delicious, I swear.”

I widened my eyes and nodded. Reluctantly, Kim Woojin, trembling all over, reached out toward the frog.

“You only need to eat the legs. Got it?”

“…?”

“Huh?”

“Uh-huh. But, hyung…”

Kim Woojin, with a face that looked like he was about to cry, glanced up at me as if he had something to say. When I asked, “What?” he just stared at me with tearful eyes and shook his head. He eventually picked up the frog’s leg and opened his mouth.

“Sniff…”

Suddenly, I heard a stifled sob. Kim Woojin had his tongue sticking out, tears rolling down his cheeks. He looked so miserable that I quickly grabbed the frog from his hand.

“Hey, why are you crying?”

“Wah…”

“What’s wrong? Huh?”

“Huhuh…”

Kim Woojin didn’t answer and just kept crying. He clung to my clothes, burying his face in my flapping shirt. I looked down at him, startled, and tore off a piece of the frog’s leg. When he saw me take a bite, Kim Woojin let go of my clothes in shock. Taking a few steps back, he watched as I dramatically bit into the frog’s leg.

“See? It’s really tasty, right?”

“…”

“It’s really…”

“Waaah!”

Kim Woojin collapsed to the floor, wailing as if he’d seen a ghost. At first, I was caught off guard, but seeing him cry like that made me burst into uncontrollable laughter, tears streaming down my face as I pounded the ground.

＊ ＊ ＊

As time passed and his hair grew out, the once prominent bald spot disappeared. With his scruffy hair now neatly trimmed, Kim Woojin started to become quite popular. It made sense, too—Kim Woojin was even prettier than Hyewon, who was the most popular girl in the orphanage.

The kids who used to ignore Kim Woojin, whether he was crying on the ground or trailing after me, started to treat him differently. Even the director’s attitude changed. Naturally, I spent less and less time with Kim Woojin. At first, it didn’t bother me. Watching him cry and struggle among the other kids was amusing, and it was cute when he would eventually come back to me.

“Hyung.”

I don’t know exactly when it started, but at some point, I began to dislike him. Kim Woojin had just turned six.

“Hyung.”

I was drawing with crayons when Kim Woojin sat beside me. The bald spot and scruffy appearance were long forgotten. He had been scrawny and ragged before, but now he looked like someone from TV.

“Kim Woojin!”

From afar, I heard Dongwook’s voice. Hyewon and the others were with him.

“We’re gonna play freeze tag, come join us!”

I gripped the crayon tightly. Maybe now even Dongwook and Hyewon liked Kim Woojin more than me.

Dongwook kept calling for Kim Woojin. Kim Woojin glanced back and forth between me and Dongwook, unsure what to do. I packed up my sketchbook and stood up abruptly. Kim Woojin, looking relieved, quickly stood up too. I calmly told him to go play with them and went into the room. Kim Woojin followed behind, but I slammed the door shut and locked it right in his face. I heard the door rattle a few times before it finally quieted down. Hugging my sketchbook, I lay on the floor and continued drawing. Time passed, and my arms and legs ached from lying down. Feeling thirsty, I got up to open the door, but it wouldn’t budge.

Puzzled by the weight pressing against the door, I peeked outside and saw Kim Woojin, asleep, leaning against it.

Seeing him there made me feel guilty for losing my temper. I gently shook him awake.

“Hey, get up.”

At my call, Kim Woojin groggily opened his eyes. He rubbed them with both hands and then grabbed my clothes.

“Hyung.”

“Wanna go get some water?”

“Yeah.”

I smiled, and Kim Woojin smiled back.

The director sighed as if worried and spoke. I quickly turned my head to look at the director. Cold sweat started to pour down my face. My heart was pounding so hard that I felt breathless.

“What’s wrong?”

The director asked, confused by my reaction. Woojin is in the mountains. He’s waiting for me…

“Ah, it’s nothing.”

“Hurry up and go wash up and get some sleep.”

I was too scared to say anything. I feared I would get in trouble.

The next day, Kim Woojin was found just before he died. They said it was a miracle he survived. He was immediately taken to the hospital.

A few days later, Kim Woojin was adopted by a wealthy family, and I was scolded for days when they found out what I had done to him. Eventually, I was transferred to another orphanage. The last image I had of Kim Woojin was his pale, blue-tinted body, limp like a corpse, being carried away in an ambulance.