Lost

“There’s no one at home anymore, right?”As I raised my head, which had been slightly lowered in thought, Jung Woojin was gazing at me with a somewhat wistful look.“With you gone too, what’s the point of going home?”His muttering, as if to himself, made the back of my neck tense up for a moment. I asked with a dumbfounded expression.“Wait, does that mean you haven’t been home this whole time?”“Yeah.”“What?”What the hell does that mean? Confused, I asked again.“Then where have you been all this time?”It’s not like he was sleeping rough at Seoul Station or anything. Jung Woojin looked at me calmly and said:“I’ve been staying at a hotel.”“What? A hotel? Why?”Why stay in a hotel when you have a perfectly good home? Isn’t it expensive there? No, more importantly, why? Why? Why? I couldn’t understand it at all. But Jung Woojin spoke in a nonchalant tone, as if leaving the house was his hobby, like this was no big deal.“It’s just a hassle being at home.”“What is?”“I don’t feel like cleaning or cooking.”“……”I couldn’t help but be taken aback.Wasn’t cleaning and cooking your hobby…?His expression was so disgusted that I couldn’t even bring myself to ask.After a quick meal, we stepped outside. I was about to head home without thinking much, but Jung Woojin stopped me, saying we should grab a coffee first since I promised to go somewhere with him later.“…so then I got a call at two in the morning…”As we sat in the café and ordered two coffees, Jung Woojin kept talking non-stop. He rambled on, excitedly sharing stories I hadn’t asked about, while I gave half-hearted responses. Yeah, uh-huh, no—just repeating that until, at some point, I found myself getting absorbed in the conversation.“Why would someone call you at two in the morning?”“They said they were busy.”“Are they crazy? Just because they’re busy, they think it’s okay to call at two? And aren’t you not working yet?”“Yeah, I’m not working yet…”I had a vague idea that Jung Woojin suffered from insomnia. I casually asked:“So, you must’ve been woken up?”“I had just fallen asleep but woke up again after less than twenty minutes.”“…”Sensing an opportunity, Jung Woojin made a pitiful face. Though he looked neat and tidy, it wasn’t a lie that he seemed tired from sleeping only twenty minutes all day.“If you’re that sensitive, just turn off your phone when you sleep.”“What if you call me, Sunbae?”I snorted at the sight of Jung Woojin, who clearly couldn’t bear the thought.“I would never.”“But what if…?”“I’m telling you, I won’t. So just turn it off and sleep.”At my firm response, the slightly pitiful expression on Jung Woojin’s face shifted to one of faint resentment. It was a subtle change, but he seemed a bit hurt by my words. Well, whatever. I thought about asking, but decided against it. After all, he’d probably just complain, “Why are you so strict, Sunbae? Would it kill you to call me once in a while?”“I’m starting work next week.”Suddenly, Jung Woojin said this out of the blue. I was about to nod absentmindedly when he continued weakly.“So I won’t be able to contact you as often.”He won’t be able to contact me as often…? I had no idea what he meant by “often.” Even though he said that, I knew he’d still call and text constantly, so I sighed deeply and gave a half-hearted nod. Then, out of nowhere, Jung Woojin reached out his hand.“We’re really dating, right?”While tapping the condensation on his glass, he glanced up at me with a dissatisfied look.“I’m not the only one who thinks so, right?”“Yeah.”“Really?”“Yeah.”After all, I was the one who suggested we date, and we even signed a contract.“Then why is it that you, Sunbae…”And then the complaints began.Why don’t you call me, Sunbae? Why don’t you text me? I don’t even expect you to initiate it, but can’t you at least reply properly? Do you know you’ve never once called me first? On and on, his nagging complaints started to get to me.The reason I never called or replied to him was purely because Jung Woojin called and texted way too much. If he dialed it down, like to a quarter of what he did now, maybe I’d even initiate contact sometimes. But as it stands… Jesus, if I don’t check my phone for an hour, I end up with 30 missed calls. When would I even have the chance to reach out first?“Sunbae, are you listening?”Jung Woojin called out to me in a calm and kind voice, tinged with frustration and impatience. I sighed heavily and replied.“I’m listening.”Honestly, it was exhausting. If it were just once or twice, fine, but every time we met, it was the same whining and pleading—it wore me down.“Can you call me tomorrow morning?”“Fine, I’ll do it, damn.”Finally giving up on everything, I mumbled, and Jung Woojin smiled. Seeing him beam so brightly just over the promise of a phone call made me feel embarrassed. I turned my head away.As tired and uneasy as I felt, seeing him smile like that made me reconsider. I swear, this guy drives me crazy.＊ ＊ ＊“Did you mop the floor too?”“Yeah, I mopped it earlier.”I expected to see Youngwoo hyung, but instead, there was some new guy I’d never seen before. The moment he saw me, he scanned me from head to toe and introduced himself as Choi Woohyuk—with the most obnoxious expression on his face. And it stayed that way for the rest of the time.“Is this what you call cleaning?”“I did clean.”“Are you talking back to me right now?”“No, I’m not talking back.”“You little…”He glared at me and ground his teeth. What the hell, seriously. I glared right back at him, and for a moment, a tense silence filled the air.“Oh, you little bastard. If the boss hadn’t brought you in… Hey! Where do you think you’re going?”“To the kitchen.”“Watch your tone.”Choi Woohyuk quickly approached me and grabbed my shoulder, forcing me to turn around. Instinctively, I swatted his hand away, and he smirked maliciously.“Aren’t you supposed to not be gay?”So what, you bastard. I muttered the words in my head, barely holding back. I glared at him harder as he continued.“If you’re not gay, why the hell are you working at a gay bar? It’s disgusting.”“Ask your boss.”“Did you just disrespect me?”“When did I ever do that, you jerk?”“Jerk?”He mimicked my words with a mocking laugh, clearly shocked. This guy had to be insane. Why does he keep picking a fight with the new guy? Is he really that disgusted by the idea of a non-gay guy working at a gay bar, like he said?“You’re really acting out now, huh? Did you just say ‘jerk’?”“I don’t remember.”“What?”“I’ve done everything in the hall, so I’m heading to the kitchen.”“Hey!”Choi Woohyuk tried to grab my shoulder again, and I’d had enough. I was ready to flip him over or do something, but just then, the elevator doors opened. Both of our gazes shifted towards it. Youngwoo hyung, who wasn’t supposed to be here today, was standing there with wide, surprised eyes.“You two are getting along already?”“Hyung! What’s with this guy?!”Woohyuk ran over to Youngwoo hyung, whining like a child tattling to his mom. Youngwoo hyung looked a bit troubled as he glanced back and forth between us.“I told you yesterday, he’s the new guy.”“He’s got such a bad attitude!”“He seemed fine to me.”“He’s just pretending to be nice to you! That jerk’s got a rotten personality…”I felt like I was standing at a major crossroads in my life.Do I really put up with this jerk’s crap just to make 2.5 million won, or do I just punch this bastard in the face and walk out of here?As I leaned more and more towards the latter, Youngwoo hyung laughed and gave Choi Woohyuk’s spiky hair a couple of pats.“You two haven’t been here long, so try to get along.”“My hair’s getting messed up!”Choi Woohyuk whined sharply, but he didn’t brush off Youngwoo hyung’s hand. My eyes narrowed at the sight. What the hell are these guys doing? Are they flirting right in front of me? Feeling a wave of disgust rise up in me, Youngwoo hyung turned to me.“Did you finish cleaning?”“Yes.”“Did you introduce yourself to the others?”“What’s the point? He’s just going to run off in a day or two anyway.”“You sure talk a lot.”I turned my head away, muttering to myself. Unfortunately, Choi Woohyuk must have overheard me.“What? What the hell did you just say? Huh?”“What do you mean?”“What did you just say a second ago?”“I didn’t say anything.”“You liar…”“Okay, okay, enough fighting. Let’s just get ready for the opening.”Youngwoo hyung cheerfully pushed Choi Woohyuk, who looked like he was about to pounce on me, urging him towards work.Together with Youngwoo hyung, I quickly greeted a few people and began carrying supplies. I sorted the kitchen stock, arranged the utensils, and carefully wiped down the countless cups without leaving any fingerprints. Before I knew it, the outside was bustling. I hadn’t realized, but the bar must’ve opened already.After finishing organizing the storage behind the kitchen, I took a moment to catch my breath. Just then, the door creaked open. It was Youngwoo hyung.“Finished organizing?”“Yes.”“Must be tiring.”“I’m managing.”As I dusted myself off and stood up from the old couch, Youngwoo hyung gently pushed me back down. He then sat next to me and stretched out with a long sigh.“You’ll get used to it eventually.”“Yeah.”“Don’t worry too much about what Woohyuk said earlier. He’s just shy around new people.”“……”What the hell? I couldn’t help but frown. Did he just call that being shy? Even if he wanted to make excuses for the guy, there had to be a limit. As I silently grumbled to myself, Youngwoo hyung suddenly burst out laughing.“But you two seem kind of similar.”“What?”Youngwoo hyung laughed again at my response.“You and Woohyuk.”“Ah, come on…”I almost let out a curse, but barely managed to hold it in. I’d rather be called trash. Being labeled a garbage person would be way better.“The way you both curse and talk… Hmm.”Then, out of nowhere, Youngwoo hyung leaned his face in close to mine. Startled, I pulled back slightly, and he pointed to the corners of my eyes.“Even your eyes seem kind of similar.”“Just say it straight: I seem like a complete bastard, right?”“Hahaha!”Youngwoo hyung laughed so hard he clutched his stomach, though it wasn’t that funny.＊ ＊ ＊A week passed. Choi Woohyuk, the bastard who used to pick a fight every time he saw me, seemed to have gotten tired and now just ignored me. Fine by me, I was more than happy to be ignored.I had gotten used to the work, and even though Choi Woohyuk stopped causing trouble and I was getting along okay with the others, I was still annoyed.“What are you doing?”Youngwoo hyung, who had been making cocktails just a while ago, was now dressed in casual clothes and looking puzzled. I glanced at him, then straightened up from where I had been leaning against the wall.“Where are you going?”“Home, of course. Have you been hanging around here the whole time? Waiting for a call or something?”He tilted his head, noticing me clutching my phone tightly. I frowned, startled, like a guilty thief caught in the act.“No, nothing like that.”“Really? Anyway, hurry up. Let’s head out together.”I hurriedly cleaned up and trudged outside, where I saw Choi Woohyuk talking on the phone by the elevator.“For god’s sake! I told you, I can’t make it today!”He was yelling at the top of his lungs, veins popping in his neck. I couldn’t help but click my tongue at the sight. As I inwardly tsked, Youngwoo hyung spoke up.“Your phone’s vibrating.”Startled, I quickly reached into my pocket and answered the call without checking who it was.“Hello?”— Sunbae!It was Jung Woojin, just as I expected. Hearing his voice, filled with a mix of joy, resentment, and nervousness, brought back all the emotions I had been pushing aside.I knew that Jung Woojin was starting work today. I also remembered him telling me he wouldn’t be able to keep in touch often. I knew all this, but I never imagined he wouldn’t contact me for an entire day.— I miss you.His first words were calling my name, and his second were that he missed me. It was sudden and out of nowhere, but not surprising. I was about to ask if he had been busy when he spoke first.— This morning, my phone screen broke. I bumped into something, and it fell, shattering the screen. Later, it wouldn’t even turn on… I tried to get it fixed, but I was so busy and didn’t have time…His voice was pitiful, almost apologetic. Even without him saying it outright, I could tell he felt really sorry. I listened to his excuses for a while before asking.“Have you eaten?”— What?“I asked if you’ve eaten.”I stepped into the elevator with Youngwoo hyung. A quick glance showed that he was busy texting on his phone. There was a long silence on the other end of the line, then I heard the sound of Jung Woojin swallowing before he replied.— I haven’t eaten yet.“Come to my place. You know the big street before the hill? There’s a 24-hour soup place across from it.”We exited the elevator. Youngwoo hyung waved goodbye to me with a smile, mouthing “Take care.” I gave a slight nod and waved back. As I watched his back disappear into the distance, I realized that Jung Woojin hadn’t responded. Snapping back to my senses, I started walking and asked again.“Are you coming or not?”— I’ll come.His voice, tinged with tears, made the tightness in my chest suddenly ease.＊ ＊ ＊Before the soup arrived, Jung Woojin didn’t stop talking.“I was really going to sneak out during my break to buy a new phone, but they were afraid I’d run off again, so they didn’t let me out. But I managed to sneak out, buy the phone, get it activated, but I didn’t even have a moment to call you…”It felt strange. All day, I hadn’t heard his constant chatter, which had always been loud and tedious, but now it was oddly bearable. Watching him chatter on and on like a child excitedly bragging, two bowls of soup finally arrived.“And then…”He barely touched his food, too busy talking. He really was like a kid.After we finished eating, we stepped outside. While waiting at the crosswalk, I noticed Jung Woojin fidgeting next to me. It was obvious he wanted to hold my hand. I could tell from the way he nervously played with his fingers, hesitating to ask if he could hold it. His lips parted and closed several times, but when the light turned green, he clenched his fists and awkwardly changed the subject.“How was your day, Sunbae?”“It was the same as always.”“Isn’t the work tough?”“There’s no such thing as easy work.”After crossing the street and walking uphill for about three minutes, we reached the one-room apartments. As soon as we started up the hill, I could see how nervous Jung Woojin was. Maybe because it was early morning, there weren’t many people around, which only made his anxiousness stand out more. We walked slowly on the quiet hill where even the smallest sounds echoed, and eventually, we arrived.“Sunbae.”Jung Woojin called me. When I turned my head, I saw him smiling awkwardly.“Good night.”“Yeah.”“Sunbae.”I had just turned away when he called out again.“Do you want to have dinner together tomorrow, too?”“I finish at this time tomorrow as well.”“Me too.”Whether it was true or not, Jung Woojin swallowed nervously. Normally, I would’ve cursed or dodged the question, but for some reason, I didn’t feel like doing that today. Maybe it was because he hadn’t contacted me all day.“Call me after you’re done.”At my words, Jung Woojin beamed.That night, I dreamed about having sex with Jung Woojin.＊ ＊ ＊I was so goddamn pissed, I couldn’t even speak. What the hell is this crap?Cursing under my breath with every swear word I knew, I started the washing machine. I didn’t even look at my phone. If there was a message from Jung Woojin, I was sure I’d lose it completely.I kept cursing myself, calling myself an idiot for dreaming such a pathetic dream, rolling around in bed before heading to the bar.“Just tell me if you found it or not!”Choi Woohyuk had his feet up on the table, talking on the phone. If he was here, he could’ve been cleaning, but no, he was doing that instead. I set my bag down weakly, changed clothes, and started cleaning. Even while I did, Choi Woohyuk kept talking.“So? So what happened next?”Suddenly, Choi Woohyuk jumped up and shouted frantically. I ignored him and kept mopping the floor. He started pacing and yelling so sharply that my head felt like it was going to explode. I sighed and straightened up.“For fuck’s sake, is it true?”“Hey.”“Did you really see it?”“Hey.”“Are you sure you saw it?”I stood in front of him, tilting my head to the side. Choi Woohyuk looked at me. I waved my hand as if to tell him to move. His face twisted in anger, and suddenly, he shouted at me.“Get lost, asshole!”“….”“No, shit! I wasn’t talking to you… So, where did you see it?”What should I do? Should I just beat this guy up and quit? I was seriously considering it when I noticed a piece of paper sprawled out on the table where Choi Woohyuk had his feet. It was an A4 sheet filled with writing, but I didn’t feel like reading it.Then, Choi Woohyuk turned his back, heading to the corner, talking hurriedly. He looked so flustered and anxious that I just sighed again. As I was about to turn after mopping the floor where he had been jumping around, I saw a small ID photo sticking out from under the paper.My hand moved reflexively. Suddenly, a cold sweat ran down my back. Choi Woohyuk’s angry voice pierced my ears like a dagger.“Are you sure that’s Jung Woojin?”The kid in the ID photo looked like a high school student, wearing a uniform. It was Jung Woojin.As I stared dumbly at the picture in my hand, I felt a strong grip on my shoulder.“Why the hell are you holding that, you bastard!”Choi Woohyuk, who had finished his call, shouted and snatched the photo from my hand. I quickly grabbed it back.“What is this?”“What? You crazy bastard! Why are you touching someone else’s stuff…!”“I said, what is this?”At my question, Choi Woohyuk, who had been fuming like a raging bull, suddenly frowned. His demeanor changed, becoming unnervingly calm, like someone who had been through this many times before.“This is ridiculous.”He let out a bitter laugh and brushed his hair back. My mind went cold. I couldn’t understand why this guy had a high school photo of Jung Woojin, nor why he was yelling on the phone about finding him or not.“Are you one of them too?”I frowned, confused by his incomprehensible question, and he let out another bitter laugh.“For fuck’s sake.”Choi Woohyuk reached out and snatched the photo from my hand again. This time, he carefully tucked it into his inner pocket as if it were some precious treasure. Anger surged through me like fire, but I managed to hold it in. At least, I thought I did.“You’re not even gay, right, you bastard? I knew this would happen. The word’s out that Jung Woojin hates gay guys, so I’ve seen plenty of assholes pretending to be straight just to get with him—”Before he could finish, I swung my fist. It wasn’t until Choi Woohyuk hit the ground that I realized I had punched him in the face.I tried to process what he had said.I tried to think it through, but it only lasted a few seconds. I was so furious I thought I might explode. My whole body trembled with rage to the point of dizziness. I pinned Choi Woohyuk down, grabbed him by the collar, and punched him relentlessly. At some point, Youngwoo hyung showed up and pulled me off.He tried to calm me down, asking what I was doing, but I almost hit him too. In the end, Youngwoo hyung threw cold water over my head. I barely stopped myself from hitting him, and then he went over to check on Choi Woohyuk, who was lying there bleeding.I didn’t stick around to watch. I left the bar and hailed a taxi. The driver, eyeing me strangely as I panted heavily, asked where I was going. My head was still spinning, buzzing. Then, my phone vibrated.It was Jung Woojin.“…….”The phone vibrated several times before the call ended. A text arrived immediately.[Sunbae, are you busy?]Usually, his texts were so quick and brief that they almost felt like missed calls, but today it was unusually quiet. After a few more minutes, another text came in.[I miss you.]Five words. I could clearly picture how many times Jung Woojin must have typed and deleted those words before finally sending them. Suddenly, I wondered, how did I know that? I just knew. Whether Jung Woojin was hesitating to say something, fiddling with his fingers trying to reach out to me, or simply calling out to me with a “Sunbae,” I could always tell how much he liked me. At some point, I just started noticing all those little things, without even paying close attention.I got out of the taxi and ran with all my might. It had been a while—maybe a long while—since I’d been to the officetel where Jung Woojin and I used to live. I ran until I was out of breath. Then I remembered that Jung Woojin should be at work right now. And he had been staying at a hotel recently.Despite thinking he probably wouldn’t be there, I couldn’t slow down. I was panting heavily by the time I finally arrived.“……”Through the large window, beyond the fluttering thin curtains, a dark silhouette appeared.[Sunbae, call me when you’re on break or if you can step out for a bit.]The phone vibrated. The dark silhouette seemed to be fiddling with a phone. I laughed, almost maniacally, as the phone vibrated again. It was a call.But the caller wasn’t Jung Woojin—it was the boss.“Hello.”As soon as I answered, the boss’s stern voice came through.— Where are you right now?“Outside.”— Come to the bar within 30 minutes.“Yes.”I answered briefly and hung up. I looked up to see that Jung Woojin was still standing there, fiddling with his phone.Even just looking at that silhouette, I could imagine exactly what kind of expression he had on his face and how he was mumbling to himself, writing and rewriting texts to me. I knew why.It was because I kept paying attention to him, watching him, focusing on him.I clenched my fist tightly, put my phone in my pocket, turned around, and started walking away. Then I glanced back at him. He was still there. I turned away and quickened my pace.As I rode the taxi, my phone vibrated again.[What are you eating today?]Good question—what should I eat? I had soup yesterday. Maybe I’ll grab something at the 24-hour Kimbap Heaven near the bar. Suddenly, I remembered the braised short ribs Jung Woojin had once made for me. I hadn’t been to his place in a while. I bet it’s not as neat as it used to be. The fridge is probably empty, and there likely wouldn’t even be a drop of water in the sink. As I swiped my finger over the phone a few times, I finally sent a reply.[I finish late tonight.]His reply came quickly.[That’s okay.][Are you working right now?][No, I finished early today, so I’m at home.][Then eat first.][I’m not hungry.]We exchanged texts for a while until the car stopped. I put my phone in my pocket, got out, and pressed the elevator button. As I stared blankly at the closed elevator doors, I pulled my phone out again.[Let’s eat together later.]Choi Woohyuk’s words replayed in my mind.He said he’d seen countless guys pretending to be straight just to sleep with Jung Woojin.I also remembered someone coming to my place and calling me a bar girl when I lost my memory. Asking if I was just screwing around with bar girls.And I remembered how, after just a few days on that island, Jung Woojin had turned me into someone obsessed with him.As those forgotten memories resurfaced one by one, things that didn’t seem strange at first started to feel off.As the elevator climbed, I calmed myself and sent another message. The higher the elevator went, the cooler my head became.[Alright, see you later.]The door opened just as I pressed send. I raised my head absentmindedly and saw Choi Woohyuk sprawled on the couch with bandages on, while Yeongwoo-hyung was applying ointment to him. The boss sat like a mob boss, smoking a cigarette.“What are you waiting for? Come here.”The boss stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray as he spoke.As soon as I sat down on the couch, Choi Woohyuk started cursing at me. He ranted, calling me all kinds of names and threatening to kill me or bury me, but the moment the boss glanced at him, he shriveled up like a crushed can. Yeongwoo-hyung sighed and looked at me with a troubled expression.“I heard what happened.”So what? I raised my eyes at him, and the boss scoffed, exhaling in disbelief.“What’s with that look?”“What?”“Why’d you beat up Choi Woohyuk so badly?”“Ah, fuck! I’m telling you, he’s definitely Jung Woojin’s lapdog!”Choi Woohyuk, who had been quiet, suddenly screamed. The boss, scowling at him, turned to me and asked.“Is that true?”“What is?”“Are you really Jung Woojin’s lackey?”I was dumbfounded. What the hell does “lackey” even mean? After thinking for a second, I asked.“Are you asking if I’m his errand boy?”The boss laughed at my words. He lit another cigarette. Just then, Yeongwoo hyung spoke up.“You’re not gay, right?”“Are you still asking that? I’ll bet my right hand that this guy’s gay!”