Love Me if You Dare: Pristine Darkness

With this chapter, we reach the end of Volume 1. Our Scooby Team is split up; Bo Jinyan takes his leave in a manner entirely in keeping with his personality (poor Jian Yao), while An Yan’s moment with Gu Fangfang is much more hopeful, and provides some light-hearted humour. It’s a sombre end to Volume 1, but Ding Mo also builds anticipation for the next story arc by possibly indicating who the ‘Big Bad’ might just be . . . .

What are your thoughts on the story so far? What do you think will happen in Volume 2? What would you like to happen? Let us know in the comments below!

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A thin strip of white gauze covered Bo Jinyan’s eyes.

Sitting by his side, Jian Yao stretched out her hand to touch him, but put it down again.

“Would you like some more porridge?” she asked softly.

“No need,” he said in a mild tone.

Jian Yao nodded, then realised he could not see her. Gently, she eased him back so that he was lying down on the bed.

A sudden thought flashed into her head. If everything was as normal, at this time, he would be reading.

Would you like me to read to you? The words were on her lips, but she simply could not utter them.

Thus, the two of them sat like that, in silence. She could not see his eyes, so she did not know what he was thinking. The hands were only a foot apart, but it suddenly felt as if they were separated by a multitude of people.

“Jinyan . . . would you like to go outside for a walk?” she asked.

Bo Jinyan turned his head.

Outside the window of the ward, the sound of voices could be heard, as well as the chirping of small birds.

“No need,” he said gently.

Jian Yao abruptly felt an immense weight of sadness. She did not want him to notice, so she hurriedly said, “I’m going to the washroom.”

“Ok.”

Silence once again filled the room.

Bo Jinyan raised his head slightly. Indeed, the sensation of darkness was marvellous. Because of the darkness, people’s hearts would actually become flustered and helpless, because no matter which direction one looked, no matter which direction one walked, it was impossible to figure out whether the next step would lead to a bottomless abyss.

He lay very quietly, by himself, for five minutes.

He was finally unable to tolerate it any further. He grabbed the blanket by his side and threw it from him forcefully.

His pale face shone with a faint sheen of sweat, and also held a tinge of green.

This was the scene that Jian Yao beheld when she walked through the door holding a cup of tea. She immediately put it down, ran to his side and clutched his hands tightly. “Jinyan, everything’s ok . . . take it easy.”

The tension in Bo Jinyan’s face eased momentarily. It was as if he was unable to lose his temper when she was around. He did not say anything, and only turned his head to face the window.

“Yeah,” he said, in a very low voice.

Jian Yao held his hands wordlessly.

She did not realise she would have to face his pitiful and sorry condition.

Bo Jinyan, this person, was both pitiful and uncommunicative.

Later, when the meal arrived, Jian Yao patiently and meticulously fed him, spoonful by spoonful.

After eating, he fell asleep due to the medication. Jian Yao snuggled next to him on the bed. In his hazy state, he could sense that someone was lightly caressing his cheeks and hair. Jian Yao subconsciously snuggled further into his arms, and was then tightly embraced.

“Jinyan . . .” she whispered, “in future, I will be your eyes.”

There was no need to say anything else. All that talk about constantly trying new medical breakthroughs, or about how doctors would say there was only a figment of hope, but one should never give up. . .

If you are blind for one day, then I’ll live as if I’m blind for one day.

If you are blind for the rest of your life, I’ll be by your side until our hair turns grey.

It felt as if a drop of scalding hot liquid landed on her cheek. In the dimly lit room, Jian Yao did not lift her head, but instead pretended that she had not noticed anything.

“Ziyu . . . has he been found?” he asked slowly.

Jian Yao’s heart was a well of grief. “Found.”

He did not ask further.

“Jian Yao, I’d like to be by myself for a while,” he said.

Jian Yao did not speak.

The ring on his finger quietly glimmered in the darkness.

Just like the fragments of his broken heart.

——

One afternoon, a few days later, Bo Jinyan had simply left.

Jian Yao returned from the police station to a completely empty room and neatly folded bedding.

Her face was pale, and she did not utter a word. She searched the entire hospital, looked into every ward, until she was sure that he had really left. He had really left her.

At the same time as his departure, An Yan was discharged from the hospital. These two men, like colourless, insignificant water drops, completely disappeared from the face of the earth.

Finally, Jian Yao found a letter under the pillow. She sat by the window, framed by the setting sun and the wind-blown curtains, and read the letter that Bo Jinyan had personally written.

“Yao,

I want to leave for a while.

Once, my belief in justice was unshakeable. Even now, this belief has not wavered.

However, there are some things that I need to face alone; some things need to be clarified; some things cannot be given up.

I will take care of myself. I hope you do the same.

I will come back to you when I think I have prepared well enough for our future.

I am sorry.

— Jinyan, who loves you deeply.”

Although the words were almost illegible, they were still boldly and vigorously written. Some words were overlapping.

He had written this letter with his eyes closed.

Jian Yao looked at it for a long time. Then, with one hand clutching her heart, she lowered her head, and did not look up for a long, long time.

——

In the evening, the lights in the university campus were off, and all was quiet.

An Yan stood on the ground floor of the female student dormitory. Countless people eyed him, but his expression did not change.

A girl he did not know ran down the stairs and walked up to him. With a note of incredulity in her voice, she asked, “You . . . are that police officer, An Yan?”

An Yan nodded. “I am An Yan.”

The girl exclaimed and said, “Wait a while, the situation seems to be different from what we thought. Please wait.” After speaking, she ran up the stairs hurriedly.

An Yan continued to stand stock still, like a pillar.

Inside the dormitory.

Gu Fangfang sat at her table, somewhat stunned. Behind her was a group of girls who were all giving her advice.

“Don’t be soft-hearted, Fangfang, he kept you waiting* for more than a month, it would serve him right if you made him wait!”

“How dare he keep our department flower** waiting!”

“Exactly!”

*T/N 放了鸽子 (fang le ge zi) – lit. to release doves; fig. to make an appointment and not keep it; deception. Stems from doves being symbols of peace.

**T/N 系花 (si hua) – the lady recognised as the most beautiful female in the department.

At this time, the girl who had originally been sent downstairs to taunt An Yan and make his life miserable came running back, panting heavily. “No, Fangfang, something’s wrong! He’s hurt, there are bandages on his arms! His face is injured!”

The girls did not know how to react. Gu Fangfang immediately stood up and ran downstairs without a word.

She left behind a circle of dumbfounded schoolmates.

“How could this happen? Didn’t he say he was just in charge of monitoring? How could he be injured?”

“I also thought he was good-looking . . . so, it seems things are not that simple.”

Gu Fangfang dashed down the stairs; she could already see An Yan from a distance. She was shocked – it had only been a month, but he had grown so thin, and his entire appearance seemed to indicate that he had experienced some terrible calamity.

“Are you all right?” she asked as she ran up to him.

When An Yan saw her, his heart jumped in excitement. It was only then did he realise that the thread of longing he had nurtured in his heart for the past few days had blossomed into something even more intense.

“I’m ok,” he said, his face turning red.

However, Gu Fangfang kept on frowning as she stared at his bandaged arm.

“I’m sorry.” He continued, “That day, I was on duty and something happened, so I couldn’t come.”

“It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter!” Gu Fangfang quickly waved her hand. “You . . . as long as you’re ok, everything’s fine.”

“Yes, I’m ok.”

The both of them fell silent for a moment, seemingly ill at ease.

Gu Fangfang probed further. “Did you get hurt as you were trying to catch the bad guys?”

An Yan suddenly found himself at a loss for words as a complex web of emotions that he had never experienced before surged in his chest.

The girl before him, standing under the quiet night light, was living a peaceful and blessed life. How could he tell her, how could he even get her to understand, that this young criminal investigator, who had spent several days hovering on the brink of life and death, had, in that instant of the explosion, suddenly thought – oh, no, I can’t meet her tomorrow.

So, this is what it means to forsake duty for love*.

*T/N 英雄气短，儿女情长 (ying xiong qi duan, er nüq qing chang) – lit. the spirit of a hero (英雄) is brief/ short (短), but the love between man and woman (儿女情) is long/ enduring (长); used to refer to a man who turns away from duty for the sake of love. First used in the 18th chapter of《水浒记》(shui hu ji), an edited version/ play of the Chinese classic 《水滸傳》(shui hu zhuan), variously known (in English)  as ‘The Water Margin’, ‘Outlaws of the Marsh’, and ‘All Men are Brothers’.

An Yan smiled faintly, and said, “Yeah, that’s right.”

Gu Fangfang’s gaze shifted, and she looked down. “Then, when are we going to have that meal?”

An Yan’s heart was suddenly overcome by a wave of sorrow. Some kind of wild impulse took control of him and he took a step forward to pull her close to him with one arm.

Gu Fangfang was totally taken aback.

“Whoa . . .” An exclamation sounded from the upper floor of the dormitory behind them.

“I . . . have to leave for a while,” An Yan said. “I want to protect someone. Someone I respect with my life. If there are still people in this world who could be described as ‘great’, he would be one of them. His situation right now is really bad. I need to guard him, and help him. Just like we would safeguard our convictions.”

Gu Fangfang’s body was still numb, entirely numb, but she felt an indescribable twinge of sadness on hearing his words. “Then . . . how long will you be gone?”

“Maybe a few months, maybe a couple of years.”

“So . . . long, ah.”

An Yan gradually released her. “Fangfang, wait for me to come back.” After saying this, he turned and walked away.

Gu Fangfang stood where she was, not moving a muscle, watching him get into the car, watching him drive out of the campus, watching him disappear from her view.

At that moment, startled shouts and exclamations of admiration burst forth from the people in the vicinity. Gu Fangfang looked up on hearing the noise. In the deep, blue-black darkness of night, several lights had actually simultaneously appeared in the the huge skyscraper opposite the campus. Moreover, the lights were arranged in a pattern. Someone next to her had already read the words out, loudly:

“Wait for me, goddess.

A.Y.”

“Wait for me, goddess! A.Y. What kind of hero or scoundrel is this A.Y.? So arrogant! Dang!”

——

The same intoxicating twilight also enveloped a tall building in the city.

Luo Lang sat in front of the window, lazily smoking a cigarette. Tchaikovsky’s ‘Manfred’ Symphony was playing, filling the room with deafening noise.

The curtains were tightly closed, with a narrow crack.

In front of that crack stood a precision telescope.

Luo Lang finished smoking his cigarette, stood up, and looked into the telescope.

Utterly focused.

Past the building, past the curtain of night, past the multitudes of people. The telescope was precisely trained on a window.

At the window, the muslin curtains moved slightly. A single lamp cast a soft light in the room. Jian Yao was wearing a warm yellow T-shirt as she sat in front of the window with her head slightly bowed, revealing a neck that was as pale as jade. She sat in silence for a long time.

Henceforth, she was the only one in her home, her deeply loved, blessed home.

Luo Lang moved away from the telescope and sat down once more. He started smoking moodily, until the ashtray could no longer hold any more ash, until the darkness of night became a vast black hole shrouding the earth. The lights in the room came on automatically, in sequence. Behind him was a wall, extending from the bedroom, past the hallway, to the living room.

On the wall, photographs. Lots of photographs, crowded together with no sense of order. Hundreds of them.

Jian Yao in police uniform; Jian Yao and Bo Jinyan walking into the Animation Park; Jian Yao in an apron at home, cooking; Jian Yao on the way to work.

……

A photograph of Jian Xuan* reading in the university library. A photograph of Mrs. Jian selling vegetables in the market, smiling slightly, head lowered.

*T/N Jian Yao’s sister

……

The dagger which had killed the killer was on the table next to him. The traces of blood and fingerprints had already been wiped off.

Luo Lang lowered his head. The hand which had held the cigarettes was now pressed against his forehead.

If parting causes one great grief, reuniting similarly causes one to lose one’s way.

And, all we need is forgiveness.

……

He said justice and conviction would never change.

He said he would return.

You know, justice is like a deep pool under the moon, in which are cold rocks.

In the darkness, the clear and crystalline light of the water* is always present.

*T/N 暗光粼粼 (an guang lin lin) – 暗 = darkness; 光 = light; 粼粼 = clear and crystalline (water). The title of the novel, 暗粼, comes from this phrase, which we have translated as ‘Pristine Darkness’.

Although there are times when the water becomes muddy, or turbulent,

in the end, the water will settle so the rocks can be seen, and the clouds will scatter so the moon will shine brightly.

If he finally returns,

please, from this time, close your eyes which have harboured tears in the darkness of night.

*T/N (we are keeping the formatting of the previous 4 lines as given in the online version of the novel)

Because he is coming, please close your eyes.

End of Volume 1