Love Me if You Dare: Pristine Darkness

Ke Qian’s Side Story

‘Mulan Star’*

*T/N ‘Mulan Star’ is the theme song of the 2009 Chinese movie, ‘Mulan’ (not the Disney animated movie of the same name). Hua Mulan is the legendary Chinese warrior, a woman who disguises herself as a man to take her aged father’s place in the army. According to Wikipedia, she fought in the army for 12 years and gained high merit, but refused any reward and retired to her hometown.

The deepest impression I had was of Ke Ai’s red skirt. It was so beautiful, like muslin.

At that time, I was running behind her, yelling, “Ai Ai! Ai Ai!” She would then stop in her tracks and smile as she looked at me. “Didi, Didi*, follow Jiejie* ah!”

*T/N 弟弟 (di di) – younger brother; 姐姐 (jie jie) – older sister.

I nodded vigorously. “Um.”

We climbed up the mountain together to catch insects, planted trees together in front of grandfather’s door, walked together to school with our school bags on our backs. The two of us grew up looking remarkably identical, and sometimes, she would pretend to be me, while I pretended to be her, exchanging places for a day. Grandfather could always tell us apart with just a glance, but others would mistake one of us for the other if they were not careful.

I idolised Ke Ai. She was always so generous, so optimistic, and could talk so much. She was the class monitress, and a member of the study committee. All the students and teachers liked her.

And I, I was like her tail, her little shadow. As long as I could stand beside my sister, I was happy.

The teacher said, “This Ke Qian is just like a girl and Ke Ai is like a boy. It’s really not easy for her to take on the roles of both elder sister and brother at the same time, and at such a young age, too.” I felt very proud – I had such an elder sister, who asked you all not to have someone like her?

At that time, I had not come across this phrase, ‘Another Me in the World’*.

*T/N This is a Japanese manga series called ‘Nana’, which was made into a live-action movie (and a sequel) as well as an anime. The series derives its name from the main characters, two 20-year old girls who are both called ‘Nana’, and who are very different. They meet on a train to Tokyo one day, and run into each other again when they are checking out the same apartment. They decide to be roommates, and the series chronicles their friendship and their lives. Please refer to this Wikipedia entry for more information.

Later on, when selecting which Japanese series to watch, I saw it. Other people were watching the series with rapt attention, but I, I only had to look at the words, and my eyes were brimming over with tears.

Perhaps it was from this time that I developed such an ardent love for the fantastical, beautiful, passionate, warm world of cosplay.

Because, in the world of cosplay, I was a peerless actor, I was the king.

And I could also be a woman, like the sister I had lost, Ke Ai.

Those rich relatives came to pick one of us when we were in Primary 5. At that time I did not realise what their arrival meant. I saw them constantly talking to Jiejie, asking her if she was a leader in the Young Pioneers of China, if she was placed first in our year. Jiejie timidly nodded. They also asked her to perform an item. She performed a Xinjiang* dance and saw them beaming with happiness.

*T/N 新疆 (Xinjiang) – the Xinjiang Uyghur Autonomous Region (XUAR) in northwest China. Many ethnic minority groups live there, and there has been much unrest in the region in recent years. Find out more here.

Grandfather was already very old by then. As he sat at one side smoking, he squinted and said, “Each child has his or her own life. As long as they live life well, that’s all that matters.” After saying this, he gave me a significant look. At that time, I did not understand the look in his eyes, but I nevertheless remembered this scene and kept it in my heart for many years.

After that, they wanted to talk to me. I looked at them warily and hid behind Jiejie. When their hands touched the corner of my jacket, I screamed sharply, ran into the room and shut the door.

I had no idea what they discussed thereafter.

Those few nights, I saw Jiejie surreptitiously wiping away tears. I asked, “Jie, why are you crying? Is it because they mistreated you?” The past few days, they had brought Jiejie out, but not me.

“No . . .” Jiejie sobbed, “They treat me very well. They have bought me many things, and they have even bought Grandfather lots of health products. I didn’t know that those products were so expensive.”

“I don’t care,” I muttered.

Jiejie then said, “Ke Qian, if I should leave one day, even though you’re alone, you have to study hard and look after Grandfather, ok?”

I seized her hand in a swift movement and said, “I don’t want to be parted from you!”

The day Jiejie left, I didn’t even know about it. When I returned from buying rice and oil with Grandfather, her things had already been moved out of our home. Jiejie had left me a letter:

“Ke Qian:

I don’t know if the choice I have made is right, but, before she died, our mother told me that I had to take care of the both of us. Uncle and Auntie are rich, but they don’t have children. They want a child.

Grandfather does not have much savings left, and there’s also not much remaining of the money father and mother left us. They said there was no way that Grandfather could bear the burden of bringing both of us up. I am the elder sister, so I should help to bear the burden our family faces.

If they were willing to bring you to the US as well, I would be even happier. But, right now, there is no other way. They want me to go.

Father once quoted from a poem, titled, ‘The Edge of a Sword is Sharpened on a Grindstone’*. In future, it is only if we gain admission into even better universities earn even more money, then we and Grandfather can live blessed lives. There is a lot of money in the US.

*T/N 宝剑锋从磨砺出 (bao jian feng cong mo li chu) – this is apparently not from a poem, but a common saying: 宝剑锋从磨砺出, 梅花香自苦寒来 (mei hua xiang zi ku han lai – plum blossoms come from the bitter cold). In essence, suffering and hardship is necessary in order for one to succeed.

I am going. Do not think of me. I will definitely return, I swear it on my life.

Ke Ai.”

That was the first time in our lives that Ke Ai and I had ever been apart. At that time, I flew into a blinding rage; I did not eat and ignored people for days on end. Until Grandfather got so angry that he grabbed and hit me, and censured me by saying, “That Ke Ai is able to go to the U.S. is luck that only comes around once in three lifetimes! Otherwise, a useless old man like me bringing up the two of you – what kind of result would there be!”

I cried so hard that I even ignored Grandfather.

But, how long could I stay angry with her?

I once again started to hope, every day – that she would call me, that she would write.

But there was nothing.

The class teacher saw me running to the school mailbox every day, and sought to comfort me. “Child, when your jiejie gets to America, life there will be strange to her, and she won’t know her way around. She’s such a young girl, how is she going to find out how to write letters to you, or call you long distance? Don’t run to the mailbox anymore.”

“Uhm.”

However, there was no way for the boy I was then to know that this separation would last 15 years.

Grandfather died the year I entered university. Carrying my belongings in a simple bag, I arrived at this big city of Beijing. Things were a little different from what I had expected. When I looked up and smiled at my dormitory mates, they would look at what I was wearing and my simple backpack, and merely smile. Neither cold, nor warm.

You know, I felt like a caterpillar at that time. Originally, under the warmth of the sun, I had carefully extended my feelers. However, other people avoided me in revulsion. Thus, I immediately shrank back into the shadowy patch under the leaves.

In all my four years at university, I did not have any close contact with my four dormitory mates. I always felt that I was incompatible with them, that we would never travel in the same direction. Sometimes, they would go out together to drink beer, eat roast meat, or watch a soccer match. They never asked me to join them. I would stay in the dormitory to revise, or to try out my newly purchased women’s cosplay costume, or makeup.

They didn’t like me, and I didn’t like them either.

Although I was always alone, I really hated that feeling of isolation. Every day, I boiled hot water for four people and cleaned the dormitory. When they needed someone to fudge their attendance when they skipped classes, when they needed to borrow books, when they wanted to copy from my examination script, I always did my best to do what they wanted. I thought, in this way, my life in the dormitory would be slightly better. At the very least, I would not be looked down on.

The setting up of Yue Ying Animation Studio was a chance of a lifetime. A fellow alumnus, Jiang Xueran, ran up to me to ask, “Ke Qian, I’ve seen you perform many times. You’re the best cosplayer I’ve ever seen. We’re planning to start an animation society and want to invite you to join us as a founding member. Are you interested in joining us?”

I couldn’t believe my ears.

Being respected and needed by other people.

“Ah, ok, ok,” I said, “I’m willing to join you.”

“Then . . .” Jiang Xueran said, “do you have any ideas or requirements?”

I replied straight away. “I don’t have any requirements.”

At that time, I seemed to see a glint behind Jiang Xueran’s lenses. But, how was the person I was then able to look into someone’s heart?

In this newly minted society, everyone had the same interests. And I was a founding member! For me, it was as if the world had opened a bright window right in front of me. I poured all my energy into Yueying. We rented the cheapest room, and I stayed in there 24/7, figuring out how best to decorate the place. I pasted every inch of wallpaper by myself. I didn’t eat a proper meal for a week, just instant noodles, so that I could buy the little monk ornament that I loved but could not bear to buy for myself, and placed it in the studio; I . . . .

I thought I finally had it all.

However, I never thought that they would be no different from the others.

They were also lazy, and were stingy about spending small sums of money, while foolishly spending bigger amounts. Splitting a small sum of prize money would incite great arguments. They had to rely on me to place well in competitions, but also seemed to be unwilling to admit this.

I still worked extremely hard. I worked hard preparing performance outfits for everyone else, I worked hard saving money just so we could buy a new set of props, I worked hard to keep every nook and cranny of our studio clean. Even when they told me to buy breakfast, run errands, do anything and everything . . . I did it all.

I only wanted to work hard, to work really hard, to keep this group going, to not let it fall apart.

But, what was the point?

Gradually, they were becoming less and less diligent about the animation studio, and treated me less and less nicely.

It was only later that I came to understand: the problem did not lie with them, nor did it lie with other people. The problem was me.

Since everyone was the same, then it must be that I was the problem. It was just as Wen Xiaohua said, I was too unrealistic, I didn’t like taking up responsibility, I was too much of a yes-man and had no personality, right?

……

“No, Ke Qian, you are not the problem. Even though the people around you all behave that way, they are still in the wrong.”

She spoke to me in a gentle and patient tone. “You have dreams, you take things seriously, you are hardworking, you are kind to everyone – what’s wrong with that? They are the ones who don’t understand how to treasure a wonderful person like you.”

I looked up at her, my tears about to fall.

Just like the first day we had reunited.

Beautiful and exceptional Ke Ai, Ke Ai who tenderly and regretfully looked at me. She was really in front of me.

She was so silly; she kept apologising to me. How could I blame her? In my heart, she and I were the same person.

Those three months were the happiest time of my life. Ke Ai was too good, so kind and intelligent. She withdrew all her savings, a portion of it was the sum her adoptive parents had given her, to support me. She let me use this money to fund my undertaking – to set up an animation company.

I only wanted to be with her. So, I watched her, noticed her every movement, made note of how she spoke. She was truly too perfect. At night, alone in my little wooden hut, I even imitated her; I could not help myself. At times, just like when we were small, I would pester her to change clothes with me. Thus, we exchanged identities, and I even attended a class on her behalf. I wore a silk scarf which covered most of my face, and deliberately made my voice higher in pitch, to sound like her. Unexpectedly, not one of her school mates could tell I was not her.

Occasionally, she would visit my little wooden hut, and I would give her a cosplay costume to change into, and apply her makeup. She was so beautiful, far more beautiful than me.

I was afraid of what people would think, so I did not tell that the money was from my older sister. I said that our studio, and how it had transformed over time, had caught the eye of a venture investor. I thought that this would give everyone more confidence. And, that night, they all seemed to have been moved by my words.

I thought that things would take a turn for the better.

I thought that I could finally live my dream.

……

That night, I stood outside the window, my tears flowing endlessly. I saw Ke Ai lying, unmoving, on the ground; I saw them put her in a woven bag. I could only register that my eyes could no longer see the stars in the sky, nor could they see the ground under my feet. How could life be like this, how could people change until I could no longer recognise them?

Oh, Ke Ai, Ke Ai, such a beautiful and pure girl.

How did you lose your life on such an ordinary and tranquil night?

I felt like I was in a dream.

But I was such a gutless worm. I covered my mouth and did not let myself make any sound. I hid in a corner outside, watching them carry Ke Ai’s body and walk into the distance. Because I knew, if I revealed myself at that time, all that awaited me was death.

So, in the end, it turns out that death is so easy. It is by your side, it is in the ugly desires of the human heart.

……

I sluiced the floor of the wooden hut with water over and over again, and used methods I had found online to remove pig’s blood, tomato stains and so on, to obliterate all traces of Ke Ai’s blood. I even cut my finger and dripped my blood in many places.

……

After that, I sat in front of the mirror, and handed the hair in my hand over to the hairdresser.

The hairdresser was utterly shocked. “What is this?”

I replied, “Hair extensions.”

The expression on the hairdresser’s face was not pretty. However, after I handed him a few big bills, he did not say anything, and carefully stuck on each strand of hair.

I looked at myself in the mirror. Black hair flourished like a memory, a longing.

I used an eyebrow pencil and a powder puff to trace her delicate eyebrows.

I took up lipstick and lightly applied it.

I looked up and smiled at the hairdresser faintly.

The hairdresser stood unmoving, completely stunned.

I picked up my bag, put on my lady’s coat, and walked into the drizzle outside the door.

I put on a silk scarf, covering my neck and most of my face.

My heels clicked crisply as I walked, and the rain water converged into little streams around my feet. Look at my graceful figure, look at me, the bride with white hair*, look at the dagger in my heart, look at me . . .

*T/N 红颜白发 (hong yan bai fa) – literally, ‘pretty face, white hair’. This is the theme song of the 1993 wuxia Hong Kong movie, ‘The Bride with White Hair’. The male lead, Zhuo Yihang, is tasked to lead a coalition force to battle an evil cult. He falls in love with the female lead, Lian Nichang, an orphan taken in by the cult. She leaves the cult, but is blamed by the coalition forces for the deaths of Zhuo Yihang’s comrades and attacked by them. Zhuo Yihang is forced to turn against her, and the betrayal causes her to transform into a white-haired, vicious (but still beautiful) killer. For more information, see here.

Finally, I no longer have to submit to this world which has long crushed my dreams.

I raised my head and looked – finally, the sky was clear after the light fall of rain had abated for the moment.

I smiled with such happiness.

Ke Qian, I am Ke Ai. I have come home.