Magic Murder Cube Marine

Zeusdad knew he had fucked up when he heard the sound of carousel music rapidly approaching. The trees were far apart and there was nowhere to hide. “Shit! This is all your fault!” He shouted at a random troll, trying to preemptively assign blame as they scattered.

The music got quieter and cut out completely. Zeusdad raised an eyebrow and listened. He could hear the faint sound of hooves but even those went away eventually. Maybe they were safe?

“See!” Shouted Truthtalker, a particularly nasty and short troll (if three meters tall could be considered short).“Nothing to worry about.”

“Oh, is that so?” Asked a voice in his ear.

Truthtalker’s eyes went wide as an invisible spear punched through his back and exploded out the front of his chest in a shower of blood. He convulsed, and blood ran from the corners of his mouth, but he didn't fall. It was propping him up like a scarecrow. His blood dripped from the invisible weapon.

The other trolls watched in horror as the bloody spear retracted and Truthtalker fell dead to the ground. The invisible attacker laughed, only the tip of their spear was visible. Then they lunged for the next troll, piercing through the side of his head.

Whatever was attacking, they were fast. The remaining trolls tried to surround the spear wielder. But the other end was just as dangerous. Two trolls lunged forward, only to have their chests caved in.

Eventually the blood splatter began to make the figure partially visible. As the seventh troll fell, the invisibility spell failed entirely, revealing a blood covered unicorn wearing a leather saddle.

The trolls looked from their fallen frienemies to Chuck, then back again.

“What the fuck?” Zeusdad asked, “We just got our asses handed to us by a fucking rainbow pony?”

Chuck laughed. “Oh, I am the absolute least of your worries.” The unicorn lashed out with a hoof to make an opening and launched himself impossibly high into the air. His hooves didn't touch the ground as he rocketed away through the forest, leaving a trail of rainbows and destruction in his wake.

“What do you think he meant by that?” Lovinmom asked.

***

Francis watched with approval as his mount exited the area. Chuck's job was to keep the trolls occupied until the others could get into position. Now it was their turn to play. He sent Willow an update and went to work.

Shiv and Julia galloped up behind the trolls in complete silence. It was surreal to see horses running at full tilt without making a sound. The trolls were looking in the direction Chuck ran off and didn't spot the duo until it was too late.

Shiv released her magic and sound returned to the world. She peeled off and started sending fiery arrows into the circle of trolls. Julia got in closer and slashed with a silver polearm as she rode by. Each cut left a blackened wound that refused to heal.

They worked together. Shiv created openings for her partner to exploit while Julia kept the trolls bunched up away from cover. Francis estimated it took them six hits each to fell a troll.

He pointed Relativity at a troll that was going after Julia’s horse and let loose with one of his new spells. A bolt of green light splashed over the troll as he cast Decay. It shrieked and writhed as the flesh melted from its bones.

Francis targeted the three survivors with Slow. Their movements grew lethargic and sloppy as green webs of energy ensnared their limbs. He sent another Decay at the least healthy looking one. The troll fell to its knees, its eyes going white and withering in their sockets.

“Hey, I found their hideout.” Chuck said through the link. “There are a few inside. I'll keep an eye out while you finish up.”

“We will be along shortly.” He pointed Relativity at the two remaining trolls and cast Life Drain. The creatures shriveled and aged as Francis absorbed their essence. It was delicious, like the first sip of rum and coke after a long dry spell.

“God damn that feels good!” He roared as the trolls fell to the ground, their skin hanging loose on brittle bones. The alerts in his head told him they were dead. “Come on, let's get some more!”

Relativity vibrated happily in Francis' hand as he walked towards Chuck and the remaining trolls. It was pleased with the Marine. He had taken another step down the path towards lichdom.

Julia and Shiv looked at the desiccated corpses, then back to each other. They followed behind Francis at a decent distance. Usually only powerful undead had access to Life Drain.

“Who the fuck is this guy?” Shiv asked her partner through the telepathic link they shared. The assassin wasn't afraid, but she was curious.

“Who cares?” The dark paladin flicked her silver naginata to remove the blood before it dried. “He's doing all the hard work for us. Let's not look a gift lich in the mouth.”

“That's true.” Shiv shrugged. “Do you think Chuck will let me pet him? I always wanted to pet a unicorn.”

“Probably.” Julia replied. “But you may want to wash him first.”

***

“So, Francis.” Julia said as she looked at the aftermath of the Marine’s house call. Six more trolls lay dead with holes burned through their chests. “Are you a god?”

Francis went back to magically cleaning off his mount. The blood and gore disappeared, leaving Chuck as good as new. “Yeah, I'm the god of monogamy, fidelity, loyalty, and horses.” He jerked his thumb eastward. “My city is that way.”

A wide smile crossed Julia’s face. “Wonderful. Did I hear correctly that you were the god of monogamy?”

“Indeed you did. Why?” Francis wondered why that was important. Usually people asked about the horses.

“Well, I have a bit of an issue. You see, I am supposed to take part in an arranged marriage against my will. Unfortunately, I love another and wish to marry them instead. Breaking that arrangement would be very bad. However, the contract has a clause about divine intervention.”

“Oh, gotcha. Yeah, fuck that. Who do you want to marry?” Francis looked to Chuck for support and the horse nodded.

“We have a High Priestess who can perform the ceremony.” Chuck confirmed.

Julia got down on one knee in front of Shiv, who was cursing up a storm. Francis watched the exchange with interest. In hindsight, it made complete sense.

Shiv pointed at her partner and shook her head. She knew where this was going. “Juju, don't you dare!” She warned. “There will be hell to pay! If you break that contract your father is going to hunt us down like dogs!”

“Frankly, my dear. I don't give a fuck.” Julia said as she pulled a silver pendant from inside her shirt and held it out to her partner. “Shivaree Rose, will you marry me?” She asked.

“Fine!” Shouted Shiv, turning a bright shade of red as she put the necklace on. “You win!”

Julia stood up and took her partner in her arms. “My dear, I always win.”

“Oh, this is wonderful.” Chuck said as the two kissed, rainbow tears streaming from his eyes. “Absolutely wonderful!”

Francis looked at his friend with curiosity. Deep in his grunt brain, a realization began to form. He shrugged and reached for a fresh leaf of tobacco. What Chuck got up to in his free time was his own damn business.