Maniac’s Mayhem: A guide to being a corporate slave

With the increase of the global temperatures, one of the more unexpected results was the flooding of Switzerland. An increase in heavy rainfall in mountain regions caused a high volume of water down the slopes, putting nearly 50% of all homes in the country at risk of flooding at the end of the year 2023. This number would only rise in the upcoming years until about 70% was at risk.

This number would only increase over the years, making a living in most mountain regions in the pristine country prohibitively expensive, and only a few cities of the Swiss plateau are still standing after the travesty of nature. And then came the aliens.

-- When the plants aren’t the worst ones. A historiographic made by the Purple Truth 2051

 

Well, it is good that I am not afraid of heights. Or getting impaled, for that matter, because I forgot to think about the fact that when I start jumping down on my impromptu stairs, the entire Stardew Valley cast would be shooting at me. Well, at least I got them distracted, I guess. Luckily, I can create multiple panels at once, so I am not in any danger of involuntary penetration.

When I get close enough to the ground directly above one of the model 15s, I turn the shields into a vertical tunnel and plunge my sword down on top of it. My combined weight and gravity mean that the sword goes into the plant all the way to the hilt. I quickly crank open the valve even further, loading up the locust with what I hope is a lethal dose of acid.

I jump off the plant right on another shield. You know what? This is kind of fun. It’s kind of like one of those old games where you are jumping from platform to platform in a red plumbers outfit. I think you can turn into an elephant as well or something. Old people were weird. I keep jump from shield to shield right on top of the next 15. I try the same trick, but this one is a bit more agitated and moves around a lot, so I have to use one shield as a vertical wall to make sure I don’t get flung of after I put a good dose of bubbles on it I try to use the vertical wall as a springboard to send me to the next hibiscus. Unfortunately, this sends me a bit further than anticipated, and it leaves me jumping from wall to wall through the swarm. But I manage to correct my course and Jump straight onto a Model 5 and beheading it with my sword.

Now I am on the ground with angry red bubbles flying all around me, I have to be a lot more careful with the big oaks stamping around and strings spun every which way, turning the ground into a variable death trap. Falling over here would mean certain doom. So I do the only sensible thing and start to run. While doing so, I stab my sword into every genetically modified vegetable I run past while trying to get more momentum; when I get enough speed, I jump up onto a shield for safety reasons and totally not because I enjoy it. I ascend back into the air using the shields as makeshift platforms. Well, at least I am doing a good job at being a distraction if the amount of spines and thorns bouncing off my shields is any indication. I can already see the smaller models below me become overwhelmed by the bubbles and slowly turn into mush. Leaving only the bigger, more armoured plants around.

I drop past a model 15, giving a large cut on its flank and filling it with my cyan bubbles. Then, jump on another shield straight onto the back of a model 6. I turn my sword around, putting the hook in its back and run towards its front. When I am at its head, I jump onto the next shield and bounce around a bit until I hit the next model from the front, neatly carving its face in two.

‘Lyssa, is there any way we could make the jumping around more smooth? I feel like this can go better.’ I subvocalise while jumping between some model 15 and covering them in bubbles.

Lyssa would like to point out that the human element is slowing us down the most.

‘that is not something I can change now, can I? you overpriced screwdriver.’ I subvocalise while melting away another Model 5.

That was what Lyssa was trying to argue: that the most efficient would be to put in a learning program, and then we can consider jump jet boots. Improved inner-ear or other augmentations. Also, you dare call Lyssa a screwdriver.

‘well, you can be kind of a tool sometimes.’ I subvocalise, ‘Anyway, get me the program. I guess it won’t help now, but it is nice to have for in the future.’ I subvocalize while throwing a pen at one of the model 17s

Lyssa will remember this.

A cold shiver goes across my spine. Well, it’s too late to apologise now, so I guess I will suffer for it later.

New Purchase: 3D manoeuvring training program

Points reduced to... 722

Well, that is not helping me at the moment, but maybe next time it will come in handy. I mean, jumping around in the air is a lot of fun. I should probably set up the shields again so I can do this better, but for now, this is going better than anticipated. Most of the big threats have been dealt with, and the smaller ones are slowly melting away in the endless Red Sea. Fuck, if I stand her up again, that can be me down there.

I decide that this should be good enough and make it back to the others. The area where they are at seems relatively calm. Well, as calm as an area where a seemingly endless supply of red doom can be. But there are no plants in sight, and there does not appear to be any damage from thrown artillery either. I land next to Bubbles.

“Are we all good?” I ask,

“Yeah, we are. Since when can you do all that jumping around stuff?” Bubbles asks.

“Well, since just now, it's kind of fun. You should try it sometime.” I say, still feeling hyper from everything.

“Uh, no thanks, I like my feet firmly on the ground.” she says, while looking at the floor.

“Really?” I say, while coming up from behind her and lifting her up. “But you are so much fun to pick up.”

“Maniac!” she says, in this cute, whiney tone. “Please put me down, or I will be forced to point out that you are smaller than me.”

I begrudgingly put the cute thing down. “You have to understand, you're just so dammed cute it feels like a crime not to handle you like this.”

“I am not cute!” she says, with a beet-red face, making the argument lose all value.

“So what is the plan now?” I ask, looking around and trying to make her not hate me too much. “Go to the next place and do some gardening over there?”

“We can’t. We have to make sure that we killed them all.” Bubbles says, while gesturing down at the mess that Auntie Flo left.

“You got to be kidding me. That is going to take forever. What will we do in the meantime?”

“I don’t know. You could hack into the North American database for fun; I heard they had two very talented people there.” Magenta says.

“While that does sound like a lot of fun, starting a fight with someone who is an entire continent away while not having finished the one here seems irresponsible. You know, it's like littering. Can’t be leaving trash around for other people to trip on.” I say, while summoning another shield platform.

“I don’t think that is the main reason why you should not litter.” Bubbles says. “And what are you doing?” she asks.

“If we have to check if they are all dead, we might as well have a closer look; want to come?” I ask, while motioning to the angry red puddle below.

“No, I think I will stay here, keep overwatch and such.” Bubbles says in a nervous tone.

With that sorted, I started running, trying to create platforms at just the right moment in my step. This proves to be a lot more difficult than first anticipated. I mean, it is only ever going to be useful in open places. Inside mega-buildings, there isn’t really enough space to do anything like this, but it is good to have the freedom of movement once in a while, though I will say it is kind of weird being outside. Like there is a layer of security that is missing, wonder what that is about.

‘Lyssa, have any more upgrades planned out for me, or should I start to shout out problems that need fixing?’

The only problem that Lyssa would like to address is that you feel the need to have this conversation far away from the Vanguard Liquid Catalyst.

‘It's not like that. I don’t care if she knows what I have or not.’

Then, for what reason do you run away, then?

‘Well, fuck, isn’t it obvious? Because it is awkward, and I don’t know how to deal with that.’

What would you do when things got awkward between you and Cierra?

‘I would kiss her to distract her from the issue. Somehow, I think that doing that is a bad idea at the moment.’

Why would that be a bad idea? She is clearly into you.

‘I know, it’s just something that I would have to think about for a while longer.’

Lyssa feels like you use that excuse for everything.

‘There is a lot of thinking I have to do and very little time to actually do it. I am stretched thin and am just making it up as I go. So, did you actually have any upgrades in mind, or should we keep gathering points?’

Lyssa thinks, of all the purchases that Lyssa would like to suggest, buying new augs would be the most useful right now. Followed closely by a cybernetic skeleton.

‘A cyber skeleton, huh? Well, being able to take more blunt force damage would be neat.’

That's not the main reason why Lyssa suggests it, but if that is all you want, then Lyssa won’t complain.

‘What else are they for then?’

Increased strength and flexibility, as well as anchor points for other cybernetics, Lyssa also wants to put in special imaging sensors, so you would have a field around you where you can see everything.

‘Like lidar? That would be cool. Not being taken from the back by surprise sounds like an improvement overall.’

Do you have to make everything sound so vulgar?

‘No, but there is a certain kind of excitement to walking that line, anyway, new augs. Why do you suggest those? Mine are pretty good already.’

You are correct, but we need a better one if we want to add more cybernetics, as well as capabilities for advanced calculations when we get to dimensional warping.

‘So I need them for the teleporting stuff, I see. Well, let’s do it then, but make sure my eyes can still light up. I kind of got attached to that.

Most certainly, Lyssa suggests purchasing the Cyber warfare catalogue and adding some of those capabilities to one of the Stone Heart catalogues. This will give you both the necessary platform for future upgrades and it also allows you to get better at your hobby.

‘Sounds good to me. Get it for me, please.’

Class I Offensive Cyberwarfare unlocked!

Points reduced to... 1674

New Purchase: Cats Eye Diamond Cybernetic Protocol Controls

Points reduced to... 1324

A little box appears. Inside there are three small disk-shaped objects. I pick one up to examine it, but other than it being made out of metal with some gems on it, I spot nothing node-worthy.

‘Okay, how do they work? they better not make my eyes look all funky.’

Lyssa would like to point out that your eyes already look funky by virtue of having a flashlight feature. To install the augs, you should place one on your left eye, one on the base of your neck, and one in the middle of your chest.

‘I thought augs were mostly a head thing.’

You are correct but these are set up to interface seamlessly with any future cybernetics as well so that you would not have to buy a separate controller. Meaning that they go further into your body, one directly into the spine and the other into your sternum.

‘Well, I guess that makes sense.’

I do as my inner voice says and try to place the three disks, which is harder than anticipated since they are not in easily accessible places. The fact that I only have two hands also does not help. Anyway, after a painful few minutes of the disk doing whatever the fuck they're supposed to do, they fall off, and I have new gear.

It feels exactly the same as the old one. Sure, it is faster, but not to the point that I can notice a difference. Suddenly, I hear Magenta scream over the coms.

“Maniac, get out of there. We have incoming!” she shouts.

I do as she says and try to use the shields as an improvised ramp to ascend, but it all goes a bit more difficult than I hoped. And then I see it. The ground all around us is shaking. Well, that can’t be good. I try to ascend even faster when suddenly the ground explodes, and some kind of creature comes out and rolls around in the acid pit. It is pink in colour and has several eyes, mouths, and arms all across its elongated body.

“What in the name of the protectors is that?”