Moonlit Waters

My stomach turns when I see that indeed, Alex is waiting on the rocks.

It’s one in the morning – that’s how long it took for me to muster the courage to leave my room.

Clouds have darkened the sky, there’s no star- or moonlight to light my path. But I’m grateful for the dark. Because the darker it is, the lower the risk of anybody seeing me.

Right now, the thicket of the surrounding bushes and trees makes it even harder for anybody to spot me.

I try swallowing the knot in my throat, but to no avail. My fist clenches around the small bundle of fabric I brought. The bikini and Alex’s shirt.

I’m scared and I don’t have a clue what I’m scared of. I want to run but I know that in the end, I won’t let myself. There’s only the way forward.

Slowly, I sit down and untie my laces. It doesn’t take long and I’m fully undressed. I put on the clothes I brought before wading into the water. It feels weird, but I know that won’t last.

Soon, the knot dissolves and fear gives way to a calm sense of resignation.

Selena is braver than Timothy.

Calm and steady movements carry me through the water. Despite the circumstances, I enjoy it.
I love swimming. It’s truly a shame that I won’t be going near the lake as Selena ever again. The risk is too high to go swimming again, after this. I might spend time with Isa as Selena, but that’s not certain either.

There isn’t much time left. Only three more days before the comet leaves. And it’ll take this part of me with it. This part of me. No longer a curse or a source of fear and insecurity. The person I become when my body changes from Timothy’s to Selena’s is the better version of myself. I know that. I just hope that it won’t leave with this body I’m wearing right now.

Alex sees me coming, but he doesn’t say a word as I draw near. He sits leaning against the rock in the place I used to sit in, a dark towel around his shoulders. He must’ve brought it in a trash bag so he won’t get sick for real.

The moment I climb out of the water’s comforting embrace, the knot in my throat is back. Not even Selena’s bravery can make this any easier now.

He offers me the towel and I take it, but I don’t dry myself. I simply hold it in my lap as droplets of water run down my back and stomach and arms.

“I’m sorry,” I say then. It comes out a little weird.

He raises his eyes to meet mine, but the contact doesn’t last long.

“What for?” He tries one of his grins and it’s almost convincing.

“I’m sorry that I ran off like that. I’m sorry that I didn’t come back earlier. I’m sorry for leading you on like that.”

He looks up at the last part. Confusion gives way to realisation and his shoulders sag just a little.
“Oh, so you… never…” He doesn’t finish the sentence, but he also doesn’t need to.

“No, no!” I hurry to clarify. “That’s not what I meant! I mean…” I can’t will myself to say I love you, even though I would mean it. At this moment, it is clear as day. But it would only make everything worse. “You’re a great guy,” I say instead. “And I’m truly grateful for being allowed to get to know you. These nights we spent out here were amazing!” I mean it, every single word. But it’s only a part of the whole story.

“But you don’t love me, do you? Not really.” His voice is sober. But other than Isa’s voice earlier, his has reproach in it. There is pain, too.

I glance at him helplessly. My chest hurts.

His eyes are hard. “But if you don’t love me, why did you come back here tonight?”

Anxiously, I bite my lip. “To say goodbye.”

He nods grimly. “So this is it, huh? You’ll run off again and never return?”

No, reproach isn’t in his voice, it is his voice. He’s angry, and that scares me. I’ve never seen him angry before. Never.

“Why are you angry? You knew this was coming.” I say fearfully. This isn’t how I planned this to go. I thought he’d get sad and I could try to make him feel better about it. But angry? I didn’t even consider the possibility.

“BECAUSE THIS SUCKS, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!” he shouts so suddenly that I flinch. “All my life I’m barely even interested in dating. And then I finally fall in love, have the best few days of my life, only to be told that it wasn’t genuine?”

“But it was,” I whisper when he pauses. I meant to shout it, matching his voice in emotion, but it doesn’t come out like that.

A sole tear slips down my cheek and I turn away with a sniffle, so he won’t see. It hurts to know he’s hurting.

I wipe the tear with the palm of my hand and look back in his direction fearfully. But the anger in his eyes has vanished. Instead, I’m met with stunned confusion and a sense of desperation.

“I’m sorry,” he says, calmer now. “I shouldn’t’ve shouted.” There’s a twitch in his right hand, like he wants to reach out and touch me, but he doesn’t.

I give him a small smile that barely lasts a second. “’S okay.” But I don’t meet his eyes. Not because I’m scared. I still feel shitty.

Everything about this situation is so contradictory. I want him to keep me in good memory but I also want to make letting go easier for him. I know nothing can become of this and still I’m here. I want to run away fast as I can and at the same time, I want him to hold me just once more, like he did when we first kissed.

“But if it was genuine, then why can’t we keep in contact? I mean, you could come back when you find the opportunity, or I could come to visit you-”

“No,” I interrupt him, my voice still barely more than a whisper. “We can’t. I am a lie.”

He shakes his head decidedly. “What do I care whether you’re a little different normally? I don’t think you get just how much I-”

“No, you don’t get it,” I interrupt him again. “I’m not real! The person named Selena never existed at day and soon I won’t even exist at night.” At this moment it doesn’t just feel like Selena will leave. It’ll be permanent. Irreversible. It feels like I am going to die and the notion makes me tear up. Barely audibly, I add, “I’m sorry.”

Momentary silence ensues and I let my gaze wander toward the shore. Without the light of the moon, our surroundings look like a different world entirely. Everything’s almost menacingly dark – except for the town’s lights in the distance. They’re an offer. Come and live a normal life.

“The comet really brought you, huh?” Alex says after a while and I nod.

“But if the comet is going to take you away again, you’ve still got three days, right?” There’s hope in his eyes. It makes my heart sting to take that away from him.

“That would only make it hurt worse. I… I don’t think I can come to see you again.”

I mean it. I know it will only make it hurt more. And if it’s already so bad, how could I live through worse?

“Not even if I brought some more lemonade?” His cheeky smile is tinted with sadness. He knows it won’t change anything. “I kinda planned on making you a bottle or two as a farewell present.”

Biting my lip, I shake my head. “I’m sorry,” I repeat for the umpteenth time. “You deserve better.”

He shrugs. “Not your fault, is it?”

“I should’ve just stayed away from you.”

“I’m not sorry about that part.” He says it matter of factly, looking me straight in the eyes. “I’ll never forget you.”

Even though it would be easier if he did, it makes me glad.

Straightening myself, I pull his t-shirt up and over my head.

“You should have this back. I won’t need it where I’m going.”

I hand him the damp piece of fabric, but he hesitates.

“You sure? If you want a souvenir or something-”

“I’ve got the swimsuit, remember?” I interrupt him with a small smile. This time, it lasts several seconds.

He nods. “Alright. I guess that way we both have a souvenir of sorts.”

I nod too, but stop smiling. I break eye contact to throw a quick glance over my shoulder.

“I think I should be going now,” I say then, as I feel my chest tighten. I don’t want him to see me cry and I know it’s not long until I will.

He gives a jerk with his head and moves to get closer, but once again stops. “Is it okay if-”

But I’m already there, pulling him close. I know it’s stupid, but I just can’t help myself.

“Thank you for everything,” I whisper as his warmth seeps through my skin and his breath tries to embed my smell in his mind.

Then the moment is over. I give him a fleeting kiss on the cheek and move away.

“May we meet on the other side,” he says with that cheesy grin of his and I smile back without having to fake it.

“May we meet again.”

I manage to hold off on crying until I’m maybe twenty yards away. When finally I let go, the water is there, washing away my tears like a caring friend.