Moonlit Waters

My alarm wakes me in the morning. It’s not technically early, but I’m still groggy.

There’s a moment of sadness when I’m still half asleep. The fact that I’m right hasn’t quite stuck with me yet.

But then my eyes open and I feel movement in my chest when I turn and I know.

I suppress a squeal and force my hands back down. Touching my breasts would be weird.

But then again, would it? They’re mine, after all.

A split-second later, my hands are up, feeling the sensitive flesh.

A smile forms in my chest and wanders up through my throat and to my lips.

Finally, I remember why I put on an alarm and I get up. I don’t change out of my pyjamas, I simply brush my teeth and head into the kitchen.

It’s Saturday. My parents aren’t up yet.

With the kitchen all to myself, I put on music on a quiet volume and turn on the stove.

I’m busy for quite some time. I make pancakes, cut strawberries, fry bacon and eggs, toast bread, fill a small carafe with orange juice and load everything with two plates onto a tray.

Pearl is still asleep when I open the door to her room. She has rolled up on her side, the blanket pulled up all the way to her chin, Tibbers pressed tightly against her chest.

The bear had been a birthday present made by Alex and I, years ago. The plushy is League of Legends merchandise, we thought it was funny. We had never imagined she’d love it this much.

The memory makes me smile.

Carefully balancing the tray, I come in and close the door behind me. There’s a low clicking sound, but Pearl doesn’t stir.

I put down the trey next to the bed and crouch right next to her head, so that my face is not far away from hers and whisper, “Pearl.”

It takes a second, then she moves. Her eyes twitch and she opens them, blinks in my direction a few times before her eyes focus and she smiles.

“Hi, sister,” she whispers back.

“Hi. I brought breakfast.” I hold up the tray so she can see it. “Mind if I join you for breakfast in bed?”

She shakes her head and moves over so I can join her under the blanket.

“Slept well?” I ask as I rearrange the blanket over the two of us before lifting the tray onto our knees.

She nods. “I dreamt of you.” Her tone is still a little sleepy and her eyes don’t look quite awake yet. The smile on her lips is small and dreamy.

“Did you?”

“Yes.” She takes one of the strawberries and places it onto her tongue. For several seconds she lets me wait, savouring the taste with her eyes closed.

“It was a beautiful day in spring. We went to some park for a picnic and there were flowers all over. And you were so happy. A bee came by and landed on the back of your hand and you laughed a little because it was tickling you, but you stayed calm and let it stay on your hand.”

Wiping the strawberry juice on her shirt, she looks up at me. “Do you like bees?”

I nod. “They’re beautiful, aren’t they? And so important, too. Without them, we’d all just die, probably.” I put some egg and bacon and a slice of bread on one plate and hand it to her, when a thought hits me.

“Pearl, in that dream… was I… the way I used to be?”

She shakes her head decidedly. “You were happy.”

I open my mouth to contradict and tell her that she misunderstood me, but then I realise that probably she didn’t.

Thoughtfully, she takes a first bite of egg and follows it up with a piece of bacon.

I watch her from the side, not having touched the food yet. Now that I’m a girl, it’s obvious that we’re sisters. Our hair is the same, our noses and eyebrows are really similar too. Her chin is a little thinner than mine, a little more delicate.

“What are you thinking about?”

Leaning over, I pick up the carafe with orange juice, fill a glass and take a sip. The liquid is still pleasantly cool.

“I’m trying to come up with a cool nickname for you. But Silly just doesn’t sound right.”

I have to press my hand over my mouth so I don’t spit out the juice.

“What?” she asks, then pauses and giggles, rolling her eyes. “No! I didn’t mean it like that!”

After a moment of thinking, I say, “What about Lena?”

I honestly hadn’t thought about that when I’d said the name on the very first day, when Alex had just saved me from drowning. I’d had other things on my mind. But now that I think about it, Selena is a bit long, isn’t it?

Pearl nods with a satisfied expression. “Lena is good.”

For some time we sit and eat quietly. I fill another glass with orange juice and give it to Pearl. The pancakes taste well together with strawberries and Pearl also puts whipped cream on hers, smearing her face white as she tries to fit it all into her mouth. I watch in silent amazement, then hand her the cloth I brought, anticipating exactly this.

“Why are you and Isa not together anymore?” she asks then.

There’s a suspicious edge to her voice, like she might have figured something out that I’m not aware of.

I try not to let it distract me and shrug. “There wasn’t the romantic spark, you know? Sometimes you think you love someone and it turns out you just really like them as a friend. And Isa is a great friend.”

Pearl doesn’t even look like she’s listening. “So if you’re not in love with Isa, are you in love with Alex?”

At the sound of his name out of her mouth, my stomach does a little twirl and my face grows beat red.

What’s it with the women in my family? Why am I such an open book to them?

“You’re blushing,” my sister points out with a mischievous grin. “Lena is in lo-ove, Lena is in lo-ove.”

I don’t feel like she’s making fun of me for it, though. When she stops, there’s honest curiosity in her eyes.

“Does he know?”

“I think so, yes.”

I mean, I told him to the face, didn’t I?

“So does he love you too?”

I open my mouth to say yes, but then I realise that really, I’m not sure.

“I don’t know,” I say then. “I mean, he used to be in love with me before he knew I used to be Timothy. You know, we used to meet up at the rocks in the lake at night and he never knew who that girl was. Actually, I made him think I’d disappear with the comet so he wouldn’t come looking for me.”

“But why would you do that, if you could’ve just told him who you were to be together with him at day, too?”

I give a shrug. “I suppose I was scared? I only figured out that I was Selena and not actually Timothy along the way. You know, when I first changed into Selena while swimming in the lake on the day the comet arrived, I had an absolute panic attack because I thought I’d never change back. Almost drowned.”

“How did you survive?”

“Alex saved me. He carried me through half the lake and then gave me his T-shirt because I was just wearing my swimming trunks.”

Pearl giggles at the thought. Another moment of silence occurs before she asks, “So if Alex was in love with you then, why wouldn’t he be now?”

Again, I shrug. “Maybe because he likes me too much as a friend? Us older folks are weird like that. Maybe the fact that I lied to him about my identity makes it weird, or that we’ve been best friends since kindergarten…”

“You should ask him then, right?” she asks, leaning forward to have a good view of my face. “No better way to find out.”

-

I know she’s right. Denying it would be simply stupid.

But even so, I feel uneasy about the situation. I’ve never been one to face problems like this head-on. Avoid them, on the other hand, is a very familiar strategy to me.

So I don’t feel particularly bad when Alex doesn’t show up at my place throughout the morning. I spend some time doing the dishes and changing Pearl’s bedding. But even then, it’s barely noon.

Soon enough, Pearl and I leave the house and head over to the youth hostel. Isa and her parents are busy packing the car, but when she sees us coming, Isa sets down the suitcase she was carrying and comes running towards us.

“Hiiii,” she wheezes, hugging me tightly. She’s a little out of breath. “How are you feeling?”

I hug her back and suck in the smell of her perfume. A smell that has grown to spell happiness. A smell I am going to miss.

“Great,” I reply. “What about you?”

With a lopsided grin, she steps back and strokes back a strand of brown hair. It’s messy today and I wonder why she hasn’t put it back if she knew she was going to carry heavy things around.

“Exhausted, kinda. And sweaty.” With the tips of her fingers, she takes the fabric of her top and pulls it outwards so the light breeze can get underneath.

“I’m going to miss this place,” she says then.

“So come back. If it’s just you, I’m sure you could stay at our place.”

She opens her mouth, acting surprised. “Are you offering to share beds with me?”

I knew this would come. “I was thinking the floor in the hallway? That way Pearls feet don’t have to get cold if she walks over you to get a drink in the middle of the night.”

Isa giggles, but Pearl pokes me in the side with one finger, causing me to shriek and jump away. Pearl knows how ticklish I am.

My little sister pokes out her tongue at me. “If she won’t share, you can have my bed and I’ll keep her awake all night with my ice-feet!”

“Really?” I ask, acting offended. “Just like that you betray me?”

Both of them shrug in unison.

“Better get used to it,” Isa says sympathetically. “I doubt time will make it better.”

A shout from behind us makes me turn.

“Hey!”

It’s Alex, casually walking up the driveway. He’s wearing shorts and a T-shirt.

Once again, my stomach swirls, but I don’t feel sick. I can feel my heartbeat quicken as he comes closer and suddenly I’m hyper aware of my posture and the way I shift my weight. Surely he sees it, right?

Isa greets him the same way she greeted me, throwing herself against him. But when she lets go only a moment later, I don’t move. It’s like my feet have grown roots.

“Hi,” I manage to croak out with a small wave.

“Hi,” he replies with a courteous nod, but doesn’t move in either. There’s a moment of awkward silence, but then Isa steps in.

“So,” she begins. “School starts the week after next, right?”

Alex grins. “Already making plans for visiting again?”

“Yup. How couldn’t I, if I’m offered free stay?”

“We’re usually free on weekends, right?” I ask Alex. “How long does it take up here with the train?”

“Four hours maybe?” That was Isa replying.

Her parents walk up from behind her.

“Isabella,” the woman says. “We’re all set now.”

“Hey guys,” the man says and raises a hand at us. “You must be the friends my daughter told us about.”

“Only good things, I hope?” Alex charming grin is switched on like a lightbulb. Adults love him.

“Of course,” the woman says.

“Okay, so,” Isa says, pointing her phone in my direction. “You’ve got my number, we’ll text, okay? And -” she pauses threateningly, “if anything interesting happens and you don’t call me, I swear to God, I’ll kill you.”

She comes closer and hugs me, in a casual way this time.

“Promise to call me if something happens?” she asks in a voice so low only I can hear it.
I nod. “Promise.”

After me, she hugs Alex once more and then Pearl. She whispers something into my little sister’s ear and Pearl nods eagerly.

“Yes!”

“Why do I get the feeling,” I ask turning towards Alex, “that she’s asking my sister to spy on me?”

He gives me a small smile. “Taking care of you, more like.”

I scoff. Like she’s not doing that already.

Minutes later, the black car’s engine starts and Isa’s father steers the car past us and down the road. I stare past them until the backlights have disappeared out of sight.

She’ll be back soon, I tell myself.

“Lena, I’ll go meet up with Lisa now,” Pearl says then, tugging my shirt to get my attention.

I turn. “Want me to bring you?”

“No, it’s fine.”

And off she is. I only realise why she did this, when Alex clears his throat awkwardly.

I forgot about his presence entirely, to be honest. The sudden realisation makes me jump a little.

“Do you want to go to the lake?” he asks. “I think we should talk.”

My body’s doing its best to convince me that this is a life-or-death situation. That, either, I have to run faster than him, or kill him faster than he can react.

Both aren’t really an option right now, so I nod.

“Yeah.”

From the hostel it doesn’t take long to get to the lake. Barely five minutes later, we’re walking in the shade of the trees along the path running past the water.

“You seem nervous,” Alex says suddenly.

I almost stop walking, jerk my head up to look at him when before I’d been inspecting a little cut on my elbow.

Where did I get this one?

“I am, a little,” I admit. It’s a wild understatement.

“Would you like to tell me why?”

He says it calmly, like nothing I could say could change his understanding expression. And I believe him.

“I’m nervous because…” I halt and try to make sense of the mess of words, jumbled on the tip of my tongue. “Because I don’t know what we are, now that you know who I am. I dunno I’m… I guess I’m scared that you won’t want to be my friend anymore.”

I stop walking when I realise that he’s not next to me anymore and turn. He’s standing only a step behind and now quickly closes the distance between us, taking my hands in his.

“Well, you’re scared for no reason, then.”

I nod. “I know, I’m being stupid. You wouldn’t’ve hugged me otherwise. I’m irrational that way-”

“And that’s okay,” he interrupts me, his voice tender. “I’ll tell you as many times as you need to hear.” He pauses and thinks for just a second before saying, “I hope you don’t just want to be friends, do you?”

“I-” I begin, but there are no words to follow and fill the silence, nothing I could build a coherent sentence of.

“Selena Crow,” Alex says eventually, solemnly. “Do you still love me?”

I don’t know what exactly it is that dissolves the knot in my throat. The light, pleasant squeeze of his hands, the intensity of his eyes, the rise and fall of his voice, suddenly so much lower than mine. I don’t know what it is, but suddenly it’s very easy to speak.

“Yes.”

I straighten myself and look up into his eyes. He’s not much taller than me, but tall enough that I have to tilt my head just slightly with how close we’re standing.

At my voice, a hint of relief flickers through his eyes, and a small smile tugs at the corners of his mouth.

“That’s good,” he says and leans in.

It’s been a while since I last kissed Alex. Had I not thought about it every night since, I would probably have forgotten. Except that it doesn’t feel like the memory I replayed over and over in my head when I couldn’t sleep, trying hard to believe that I didn’t hate my male body.

Kissing Alex now feels so much more real, so much better than what I remember. The euphoria that’s flooding from my lips to my cheeks and stomach, isn’t tainted by regret. There is nothing tainting the beauty of the moment.

I come even closer and reach up to caress his neck and cheeks with the pads of my thumbs. I like the hint of stubble I feel there.

We don’t kiss for long, though. I’m more patient than I was last time. I’m not convinced that I’m kissing him for the last time. I’m not fighting to commit the feeling to my memory. I’m simply kissing him for the sake of kissing him and I know I’ll have more than enough opportunity to do it again.

But before I do that, I need to ask something, so I pull away long before we’re out of breath.

Alex raises an eyebrow when I step back, but his hands don’t hold me in place.

“Do you not care at all that I lied to you?” I ask.

He shrugs. “Of course I care. You know I didn’t have the greatest of times when I thought you’d leave with the comet. But I also understand that you had your reasons. So to be honest, in the end it doesn’t really matter to me. As long as you’re more open about your feelings and fears now. That’s what friends-” he halts and laughs a little before correcting himself, “boyfriends are for, right?”

I nod. I knew he’d say something like this, but I had to ask anyway, just to get it off my chest.

“You know, I was pretty scared you’d hate me if you found out who I was,” I say with a short laugh.

He smiles too and comes closer and puts his arms around me.

I put my hand against his chest and feel his heart pulsing underneath the layer of muscles and bones.

“You really ought to work on your confidence,” he whispers into my hair. “Knowing who that mysterious girl on the lake was only makes me love you all the more.”