Poor Unfortunate Soul

One early afternoon, Killian was in a back room, brewing a particularly tricky mixture, when she heard a racket from the main cavern. She was so surprised at the interruption—particularly after having gotten used to things being so quiet—that she accidentally dropped the vial she was holding. And then it shattered against a rock, and when she hurriedly tried to clean it up before it stained anything permanently, the potion overboiled and wound up completely ruined.

Suffice it to say, when she swam in to see what the commotion was, she was already very annoyed. Seeing some loudmouth merman didn’t help her mood, even if he was kind of cute. He couldn’t have been much older than Killian herself, at least according to his scruffy little attempt at a beard, but he had this silvery tail and— well, Killian always had a soft spot for guys with their well-proportioned little fins. Then he started talking again, and all of her goodwill went immediately out the window.

“Witch!” he announced loudly. He frowned, peering at her more carefully. “Wait, you’re not the witch.”

Killian crossed her arms, glaring at him. “I could be a witch.”

“Nuh uh,” he said, sounding impatient. “You’re too pretty.”

“Wh-what?” Killian said, feeling her cheeks grow hot, which made her even more annoyed at him. “I’ll have you know that is a very rude and damaging stereotype. You shouldn’t judge people by the way they look! Not all witches follow conventional beauty standards, sure, but focusing on someone’s appearance like that is—”

“Whatever,” he said dismissively. “I don’t have time for a lecture. I’m here for magic, so go get the witch, already.”

“She’s on vacation.” She took satisfaction in how disappointed he looked at that statement. “I’m filling in for her.”

“Oh. Hmm. Hmmmmmm.” He said, rubbing his chin as he looked Killian up and down. She glared right back at him. “Then can you do magic?”

Killian rolled her eyes. “Of course.”

“Okay,” he said. “Great. Then I— actually, this is a long story, so let me start from the beginning. I’m Titus. And you are…?”

“Rapidly losing patience with you,” Killian shot back.

“Do you treat all your customers this way?”

Killian shrugged. “You’re the first.”

“And at this rate, the last,” he huffed. Then he let out a sigh. “But I’m desperate, and… Look, I apologize. I’m just really worked up. I know I can be kind of a whale’s tail at times, but this is really important to me.”

“I see,” Killian said cautiously. She watched him for a moment longer, as his shoulders drooped. He did look kind of pathetic. “Fine,” she said, sighing. “I’ll help with your magic. What do you need?”

His face lit up, and he flipped his tail to spin in a circle. “Okay, so… I’ve always felt a bit lost and directionless in the great big sea, you know? Like everything is just very slightly wrong. So maybe the ocean just isn’t the place for me. Maybe my destiny lies somewhere else! I’ve always had a fondness for human culture too—it’s fascinating! Then one night, I’m swimming around and happen to see one of the humans’ floaty boaty things up on the surface, and I couldn’t resist going up close just to see. And it was so amazing and wonderful!”

Killian frowned. “Really? I’ve always heard humans are kind of cruel and thoughtless.”

“Now who’s judging people based on stereotypes?” Titus said smugly.

He wasn’t wrong. But Killian still stuck her tongue out at him.

“Anyways, there was this one particular human,” Titus said, his voice beginning to grow wistful. “He’s so dreamy. He has this shiny black hair and storm-grey eyes, and these leg things that were so intriguing. I just… wish I could be part of his world, you know?”

“I most certainly do not know,” Killian groused. But Titus was looking at her with big puppy dogfish eyes, and she had to relent. “But whatever. What do you actually want?”

“I want you to give me legs!” he announced. “Then I can go up on land and find my prince.”

It seemed like a tremendously stupid idea to Killian. But then again, if it wound up being a disaster, it’d be a funny one at least. Probably. She sighed. “Okay. But that sounds like a hex, and those come with a cost.”

“Aww, can’t you just give me a freebie?”

“Absolutely not,” she said firmly. “I mean, you did come to a witch. I’m not some djinnifish with three wishes or something.”

He tried to look thoughtful, but he kept smiling. “That’s fair.”

Killian swam over to the Hextionary. The book was almost bigger than she was, and so far had sat untouched in the front cavern during her stay. She had some experience with elementary cursework, and hoped this wouldn’t be too complicated a process. But as she reached out to try and wrestle with the tome, the huge cover flipped open on its own, pages glowing as they rapidly turned.

“Whoa,” Titus said.

Killian tried to act like she knew that would happen. But it was kind of cool. When the pages stopped, it was on exactly the spell she needed. “Hex of Humanity,” she said, reading the runes aloud for Titus’s benefit. “Okay, it’s pretty straightforward. It’s just a matter of the price.”

Titus gulped and nodded. “What is it?”

“Your voice.”

Titus immediately relaxed. “Oh, is that all? Cool. Yeah, no prob.”

Killian looked askance at him. “Most people would be more hesitant than that.”

He frowned. “I don’t even have a good one though. Isn’t it all deep and scratchy and weird? I can deal with being silent instead.”

“Alright,” Killian said, shrugging. It sounded like a perfectly normal voice to her, but then who was she to judge? “Come on into the back and let me get everything together.”

They swam into the back cavern, and Titus oohed and aahed at the complicated potion-making machinery. He was a bit put out that they didn’t need to use any of it, so Killian dug out the old cauldron and used a spell to get something bubbling and set the appropriate ambiance. Titus didn’t need to know that she was also taking the opportunity to defrost lunch for the eels. 

In no time at all, Killian assembled the reagents and chalked out the correct circle. Despite herself, she felt a bit sorry for Titus. It really was a very easy spell—one of the classics, really—so she tweaked it slightly such that it would probably be less punishing. Probably. You never knew with hexes.

After positioning Titus in the center of the circle, Killian began to slowly read out the words, making certain to get the say each syllable clearly and carefully. As she did, the water started to churn, swirling around and around Titus. As he watched, eyes wide, Killian’s voice grew more and more resonant, booming in the suddenly echoing cavern. All around them, flashes of light burst into being, and Flotsam and Jetsam poked their heads in, only to scurry away at the sight.

With a tremendous crash, a bubble wrapped itself around Titus. For a moment, Killian could only see his silhouette. And then, the shape of his tail shifted, splitting apart in a way that was frankly disturbing. With one last boom that rattled all the glassware, the water of the room was enveloped in darkness.

Kilian coughed, waving her hand to clear away the aftereffects of the magic. “Did that work? Are you— oh.”

Titus did indeed have legs. Legs that he was thrashing wildly as he clutched at his throat.

“Right,” she said. “Humans can’t breathe water. That sure seems inconvenient.” She swam over to a chest where the witch kept assorted magical trinkets, coming up with a necklace. “Here, put this on.”

Of course, he had to keep being inconsiderate, still flailing all his limbs, so she had to grab him to wrap the necklace around his neck herself. But as soon as she did, a bubble of air formed around his head. Titus gasped for breath, looking at her with silent relief.

Honestly, as annoying as Titus had been, Killian was starting to feel a bit regretful that all she had done was argue and then rush him into signing away his voice. It had been weeks since she had actually seen anyone else, and it had been nice to talk with someone. 

But it was a little late now, she supposed. It’s not like he could— 

“So, like, can you turn this off and on?” Titus said, fiddling with the necklace. “Or is it always on?”

Killian stared at him.

He stared at her.

“Wait, I can talk!” he said. “Whoa. Hold on. That’s my voice? Ohmigosh.”

He certainly could talk, but it sounded very different from before. The loudmouth guy voice was entirely gone, and now he sounded soft and positively melodic. Killian knew a few sirens who would kill for voices like that. She idly wondered what Titus’s singing voice sounded like now.

Right now, he was still babbling to himself. “This is so cool. I thought when you said I’d have to pay with my voice, I’d not be able to talk at all. But I guess you meant I would just get a new voice? This is a total upgrade.” He giggled, and then gasped at delight at how that giggle sounded. “Thank you so much!” 

“Um,” Killian said. “No problem. How’s the, uh, leg situation?” 

Titus paused, looking down. “Hm. It’s good, but are you sure I’m supposed to have so many… dangly bits?”

Killian shrugged. “Beats me, I’m not the human expert.”

“I’m sure it’s fine,” Titus said brightly. “It’s just something that I’ll need to get used to. Then it’ll be comfortable and everything will be right. For sure. Totally!” He giggled again, smiling brightly.

“Yeah,” Killian said. She felt a little awkward. Was this really okay? Had she messed up the spell or something? She frowned in annoyance. Well, maybe someone should have stuck around to teach her these things, rather than jetting off on vacation for the winter. She looked back at Titus. “I guess this means you’re all set?”

Titus looked a little surprised. “Oh. Yes, I am.” He hesitated for a moment. “This is it, then. It was really nice to meet you.”

“It was tolerable meeting you too,” Killian begrudgingly admitted.

Titus grinned broadly, and waved before flailing his fleshy bottom limbs, awkwardly swimming out of the cavern.

As he left, Killian realized with complete and total annoyance that she kind of liked that goofy smile.