Romantic Gangster

#21

Hyun-joon sat with his hands deep in his pockets, his long legs stretched out in front, his gaze fixed on the front door. Since students usually entered through the main entrance, Ji-woo was more likely to come in through the front door than the back. As a result, even other students who were entering as usual had to face Hyun-joon’s intense stare.

After about 15 minutes, Ji-woo’s face appeared at the front door. Ah, he’s here. Hyun-joon took his hands out of his pockets and straightened up, frowning as he saw Choi Young-jae entering the classroom with Ji-woo. He had thought Ji-woo might have overslept or had something come up since he wasn’t at Hyun-joon’s house, but seeing him come with Young-jae didn’t make him feel good.

However, it wasn’t right to assume Ji-woo hadn’t come to his house today just to go with Young-jae. They could have met on the way. Yes, that was more likely. They might have met in front of the school or while climbing the stairs. Yes, that must be it.

“Oh? You came early?”

“Yeah, I woke up a bit early. Now I wake up before the alarm goes off. How did that happen after just a week of getting up early?”

“Looks like you’ve gotten used to the school cycle now. Going to school feels natural now, right?”

“Well… I guess so.”

“That’s good. They say if you endure anything for a week, it becomes easier, and it seems that’s true. Just keep doing what you’re doing now. You’ll do well.”

Hyun-joon felt a strange sense of discomfort from Ji-woo’s words. Somehow… unlike what Ji-woo had been saying until now, it felt like he was speaking from a distance, taking a step back.

“Seo Ji-woo! Can you show me what you’ve organized?”

“Oh, just a moment.”

The oblivious Young-jae called out to Ji-woo, waving some printouts. Ji-woo turned to look at him, then smiled back at Hyun-joon before turning to go to his seat.

“…”

For a moment, Hyun-joon felt odd again. There wasn’t anything particularly strange happening, Ji-woo had just returned to his seat, but his mood sank. It felt like an inexplicable distance had formed overnight, and it was a terrible feeling.

Just keep doing what you’re doing now?

You’ll do well?

Why does it sound like a teacher giving farewell advice to students they’ll never see again at the end of a course? Is it just my imagination? Though he’d never attended a cram school, Hyun-joon felt an uncanny sense of déjà vu as he stared at Ji-woo’s back, watching him talk with Young-jae, their heads close together as Ji-woo showed him something. He couldn’t understand why he felt so irritated.

The strange feeling persisted. He felt odd watching Ji-woo’s back as he sat studying without moving after the first period, and his mood plummeted when he saw Ji-woo nod at Young-jae’s suggestion to go to the vending machine after the second period, the two of them leaving through the front door.

What’s going on, why doesn’t he ask if I want to go too? Why doesn’t he come to me after class? Why doesn’t he turn his head to check if I’m doing okay?

Although he knew these thoughts were somewhat childish, Hyun-joon couldn’t stop them. He couldn’t believe or understand the sudden cut-off of Ji-woo’s attention that had been flowing so freely. Unable to figure out where or how to start thinking about it, he kept letting out empty sighs.

“…”

No. It must just be my mood. I slept well, so why am I so sensitive? Why do I keep attaching such big meanings to trivial things? Young-jae probably just said he was thirsty, so Ji-woo went with him for a moment. There’s less than 5 minutes left in the break, so they had to go quickly, that’s why they didn’t ask me to come along, that’s all.

Hyun-joon nodded slowly, rationalizing his inexplicably cold feelings by creating reasons for himself. He shouldn’t be petty over nothing. Nothing makes you look as immature as being narrow-minded, and he should be trying to make a good impression…

“…”

No, why should I try to impress Seo Ji-woo? Is there really a need for that? Why do I want to impress him? Why am I dying to look incredibly cool? Why do I want Ji-woo to look for me all day, only see me, only talk to me, only hang out with me? Am I crazy, damn it?

Just then, something cold touched his cheek. Startled, Hyun-joon frowned and jerked his head up. Ji-woo’s smiling face filled his vision, holding a red can of cola.

“Did I surprise you?”

“…Yeah.”

“Drink it.”

Ridiculous as it was, seeing Ji-woo’s face as he handed over the cola Hyun-joon liked, and his smiling face at that, somehow untangled the knot in his heart. No, more than that, it improved his mood. He wondered if it was okay for a person’s mood to improve so suddenly.

“Did you buy this for me?”

“Yeah, you like it, don’t you?”

As the bell rang to start class, Ji-woo looked forward, placed the cola can on the desk, and headed to his seat. Hyun-joon stared blankly at the cola in front of him. He didn’t think winning the lottery jackpot would feel better than this.

“…”

…Ah, damn. Am I really crazy about him? How can a can of cola look so pretty?

He lifted his head slightly and saw the neat back of Ji-woo’s head and his profile as he sat at his desk, opening his notebook. Even from a distance, he could see his long eyelashes and his cheeks that looked soft to touch. His heart felt strange. It tightened and relaxed erratically. The image of Ji-woo’s smiling face looking down at him when he was surprised lingered, and the scent of castella from his nape seemed to tickle his nose.

Even as he was looking, he was desperate to see more. He couldn’t take his eyes off Ji-woo, wishing he would turn around and look at him again, hoping he would smile at him once more.

Yeah, I was right. I was just being oversensitive and thinking strangely on my own. He’s thinking of me enough to buy me the cola I like, so how could he be distancing himself?

With Ji-woo’s playful smile and a can of cola, Hyun-joon’s emotional roller coaster began to climb back up from its lowest point.

Hyun-joon’s roller coaster crashed back down very easily. Throughout the afternoon, he confirmed several times that it wasn’t just him being oversensitive.

They did eat lunch together, but the atmosphere of focusing on him was clearly different from before. Also, instead of talking with him until the 5th period started, Ji-woo went straight back to his seat as soon as they entered the classroom and started studying those damn printouts again. Meanwhile, he occasionally chatted and laughed with Choi Young-jae sitting next to him.

The decisive moment came after the final homeroom period when Ji-woo said he had to stop by Young-jae’s house, just waved once in farewell, and disappeared with Young-jae. Hyun-joon could only watch silently as the two walked away, laughing about something. He had no reason to go to Young-jae’s house.

The roller coaster not only hit rock bottom but crashed and burned. Hyun-joon went home, carelessly shoved his bag in a corner, and threw his uniform on top of it. He felt embarrassed for having washed his uniform, dried it with a hairdryer, and even ironed it to look good.

“…”

How could he lose interest in me so completely in just one day? Even though he wanted to think he was misunderstanding things again, he couldn’t. It was clearly different from yesterday. It had changed.

Just looking at today, everything was different from the past week. While Ji-woo hadn’t completely cut him off, the time he spent giving Hyun-joon attention had significantly decreased. He wasn’t exactly cold, but the warm, fluffy feeling from yesterday had disappeared.

“…Hah…”

Hyun-joon sighed and flopped down on his mattress. He knew it wasn’t normal to have his mood swing so dramatically just by recalling Ji-woo’s every move, but he couldn’t return to normal. He just wanted to go back to yesterday, even if it meant being abnormal or crazy.

Back to yesterday when Seo Ji-woo showed great interest in him, expressed it, and acted all soft towards him.

“…This is annoying.”

What is it, why is he acting like this? Has he cooled off towards me? Maybe he prefers when I treat him rudely like before? I tried to watch what I say and swear less to make a good impression, but maybe that’s not his taste? Does he prefer a rougher type than I thought?

But to pull back like that in just one day? No, that’s not it. It doesn’t seem like that’s the reason. Am I overthinking this and digging myself into a hole again?

“…”

Ah, damn. That’s not it either. He’s definitely changed. And it’s so obvious too.

Unlike Hyun-joon, who was still focused on Ji-woo, Ji-woo had dispersed the focus he had on Hyun-joon. When with Hyun-joon, he naturally included Young-jae, but when with Young-jae, he didn’t call for Hyun-joon.

Remembering how naturally they went around just the two of them, talking only to each other, made his heart sink. It was childish, but he felt hurt and anxious to the point of going crazy at the thought of Ji-woo spending time with Young-jae instead of him.

It felt like having a candy he was enjoying snatched away, or like someone had taken away and thrown far a hamburger he was about to bite into after starving for three days. Feeling Ji-woo’s attention and gaze, which had been concentrated on him, clearly scatter made his insides boil, but not knowing what to do about it made him feel like his heart would burst.